Monday, January 24, 2011

Mike Wilbon moved to Crazy Town.

Mike Wilbon left the Post recently to move to ESPN Chicago, but I guess his plane got re-routed into Crazy Town, because that his where he lives and writes stories like this.

As usual, Bears can't cut it at QB

Which is totally going to be a measured reaction to yesterday's Bears-Packers game that in no way blames Jay Cutler for getting hurt -- an injury panned by hundreds of thousands of people who had no fucking idea what it was and is being reported today as a fucking torn MCL -- and doesn't overstate the fact that the Bears just sort of weren't as good as the Packers this year.

CHICAGO -- The only thing older than the Bears-Packers rivalry is the Bears' failure over most of that time at quarterback.

Obviously this makes no fucking sense at all. The only thing older than thing A is thing B, which has only been going on during the duration of thing A.1

1 If B is less than A, then A is less than B, because I said so (Wilbon's theory of stupid fucking leads)

Great linebackers, running backs and linemen the Bears have plenty of; quarterbacks are another matter entirely. And perhaps never has there been more despair in Chicago over quarterback incompetence than in the wake of the loss to the Packers in the NFC Championship Game on Sunday. Forbidding the mention of the name Jay Cutler may be the best way to cope with winter. Only a Bears quarterback could stink out the joint and then get worse while sitting on the sideline.

Okay right, so this is complete fucking nonsense. Cutler is sort of the middle class man's Brett Favre in that he's up and down and everything, but really he's overall a pretty good quarterback. To call yourself a Bears fan and then allege that "never has there been more despair in Chicago over quarterback incompetence" than right now -- when the Bears made the fucking NFC championship game -- is the absolute height of the aftereffects of being pummeled in the brain repeatedly with many heavy and sharp objects.

Quarterbacks who inspired less despair than Jay Cutler to Bears fans, according to Mike Wilbon:

Brian Griese
Craig Krenzel
Rex Grossman
Kordell Stewart
An old Chris Chandler
Cade McNown (!!!!!)
Shane Matthews

I'd rather take any of those guys than Jay Cutler. That is, if I was starting an anti-football team.

Look, you're not going to read in this space any suggestion from me that Cutler's knee injury wasn't serious enough to send him to the sideline or that Cutler was a complete baby for not going back on the field with a trip to the Super Bowl at stake.

By which he means he will spend most of the column talking about it and looking like a complete asshole within mere minutes because it turns out that Cutler fucking tore his MCL.

But any credible analysis of the NFC Championship Game, especially of the Bears' performance, has to start with Cutler, the pivotal figure in the game whether we're talking about his first-half incompetence or his second-half absence.

Right, credible. So let's look at "credible" reports of retarded tweets from other players and not things that aren't credible like the fucking report that he fucking tore his fucking MCL.

The absence, without question, infuriated more people.

Stupid people. We call these people "armchair QBs" or "Monday Morning QBs" for a reason, because they can sit at home and suggest that Jay Cutler -- who played with undiagnosed diabetes for a season, losing 35 pounds and almost dying -- is a pussy.

In 30 years of covering professional football I've never seen a front-line player crushed by his peers the way Cutler was Sunday in real time. Granted, communicating via Twitter is still relatively new, and we're now privy to unedited thoughts in a way we've never been previously.

And it turns out that most of them are just wrong and/or buttholes and even though they're football players and not just stupid fans, they're pretty stupid too, because even if Cutler wanted to play on his fucking torn MCL , the coaches wouldn't let him go back, and you just said that you weren't going to talk about this, but here we are, so... ???????????????????????

Tampa Bay Buccaneers linebacker Derrick Brooks, a future Hall of Famer, tweeted, "I have to be crawling and can't get up to come off the field. Josh Freeman would not come out. Meds are available ... " A few minutes later when the Bears sent their third-stringer, Caleb Hanie, in to the game and Cutler was therefore ineligible to return, Brooks tweeted, "There is no medicine for a guy with no guts and heart."

Ugh.

Derrick Brooks is an all-time football player, but it also seems he had all-time good luck in that he never suffered a major injury at the professional level. Maybe he did and he played on torn MCLs all the time, but I can't find anything that suggests he ever had one of those crazy seasons where he plays on a broken leg or whatever. Moreso it just seems like he had very, very good fortune for his whole career. So sure, he's the guy to ask about playing quarterback on a torn MCL.

Another future Hall of Famer, Deion Sanders, said, "I never question a player's injury, but I do question a player's heart."

Right. Deion Sanders, the guy who never met a tackle he felt like making, is the guy to ask about a player's heart. Also, Jay Cutler tore his MCL and the coaches took him out of the game. Why is this article still going on?

Arizona Cardinals defensive lineman Darnell Dockett tweeted, "If I'm on the Chicago team Jay Cutler has to wait 'til me and the team shower [and] get dressed and leave before he comes in the locker room."

Darnell Dockett runs his mouth on Twitter about everybody. Also, Jay Cutler tore his MCL.

Mark Schlereth, the former lineman and current ESPN analyst, said via Twitter, "As a guy [who has had] 20 knee surgeries you'd have to drag me out on stretcher to leave a championship game."

Mark Schlereth is also a crazy asshole that shat on himself during games, earning the nickname "Stink." Also, let's talk about those 20 knee surgeries in 10 years, but then again, handicap parking spaces are fucking primo.

This one is my favorite:

And Maurice Jones-Drew tweeted, "All I'm saying is that he can finish the game on a hurt knee ... I played the whole season on one."

Time for another game of Unlicensed Doctor Versus Unlicensed Doctor! Today we have Dr. Jones-Drew and Dr. Blogger.

Dr. Jones-Drew's argument: He played the season with a "hurt knee" so Jay Cutler is a pussy.

Dr. Blogger's response: Well.

Mojo played the season on a torn meniscus, which I'm sure is painful and according to that article really sets back your ability to shift your weight properly. As a running back, it must, you know, hurt really bad.

Cutler, once again, tore his fucking left MCL, compromising the stability of the knee in his plant leg, which in addition to hurting really bad, completely fucked with his ability to plant and throw the football, as evidenced when he attempted to play on it and couldn't throw with any semblance of accuracy. So rather than be ineffective and bad, he was TAKEN OUT OF THE GAME, and a quarterback that could plant his foot was put in. So ... what are we arguing about?

This game has been won by... Dr. Jones-Drew!!! Aw, sorry Dr. Blogger. Back to the University of WebMD for you!

During a postgame radio show, a person closer to home, Steve McMichael, perhaps the toughest of the 1985 Bears, said that Cutler, for his own sake, needed to be legitimately injured.

Which he is.

Brian Urlacher, precisely because he's a great teammate, passionately defended Cutler's toughness in his postgame news conference, answering a question about the issue by saying, "Jay was hurt. I don't question his toughness. He doesn't bitch and complain when he gets hit." And Urlacher shot back about the players expressing their opinions via Twitter, "jealous guys, sitting at home watching on TV."

I love how Urlacher defending Cutler is smugly waved away by Wilbon as Urlacher having to do it because "he's a great teammate."

But what sticks out is that Brooks, Sanders, Dockett and Schlereth have all played in the Super Bowl. All but Dockett won at least one Super Bowl. Expanding the picture even more, it's clear Cutler has a credibility problem, and not because he's not popular with the media. Those tweets are a small sample of what was communicated about Cutler and his failings during the NFC Championship Game.

Right, he had a bad half and then got hurt. Ryan Grant was placed on IR in Week 1 this year with ankle and leg injuries (high ankle sprain, torn ligament, fractured bone -- lots of stuff was reported) and he didn't even try to get off IR and play Sunday. What a fucking jackass.

Then there's some more nonsense about how Cutler is a prick that I'm not even going to bother copy-pasting because it's the same old tired bullshit about how he doesn't have Peyton Manning's work ethic or Brett Favre's texting dexterity or Tom Brady's rapport with goats or whatever the fuck people keep blaming Jay Cutler for.

A former quarterback who wears a Super Bowl ring, who has studied Cutler's entire career in the NFL, told me before he left the field Sunday, "The sad thing is that if he embraced working on the monotonous details of quarterbacking he could be great."

No, the sad thing is that you don't just get on with your own life. Who cares? Jay Cutler is fine.

Then there's some crazy bullshit about how Jay Cutler doesn't "deserve" the Bears because the rest of the team is really awesome or something (which they're not, I mean they're good but it's not like they're the fucking All-Pro team with the janitor at QB). This would be REALLY funny if the unnamed QB "who wears a Super Bowl ring" is Trent Dilfer, which I'd bet it is.

It's hard for those of us who've grown up following the Bears to not wonder how many more championships the franchise would have won if the club played year in, year out with a competent quarterback. I'm 52 years old and have followed a team whose top quarterback, by passer efficiency, is Erik Kramer. It's a team whose best quarterback (Sid Luckman) has been retired 60 years, whose best receivers (Johnny Morris and Harlon Hill) have been retired 47 and 50 years, whose all-time leading receiver (Walter Payton) is a running back who has 170 more receptions than the franchise's No. 1 wide receiver.

Somehow, some way, this is the fault of Jay Cutler. Doesn't this just prove that the team has always had crappy QBs and crappy WRs? By the way, Cutler's wide receivers this year were Earl Bennett, Devin Hester, Johnny Knox, Devin Aromashodu and Rashied Davis. Which, I guess, is his fault.

All of that is because the Bears can never find/develop/acquire the right quarterback, which is directly attributable to bad management. The Packers have gone from Brett Favre to another All-Pro, Rodgers, while the Bears have a second-stringer, Todd Collins, who isn't any longer fit for the NFL. For Collins to be the second-string quarterback ahead of Hanie is an example of egregiously poor decision-making as it concerns the position of quarterback, only the most important position in all of sports.

Sorry, I choked on my sandwich and died for a second and had a horrible dream where you started complaining that the Bears' 2nd and 3rd-string quarterbacks weren't very good.

The Bears are never the ones to draft and develop an Aikman or Manning or Roethlisberger, or wisely trade for a Brees. Hell, the Bears can't even come up with a Matt Ryan or a Joe Flacco. They gave two first-round picks and two other picks and a player for Jay Cutler, who at his best constantly has the metropolis holding its breath, looking at games through spread fingers, praying to God he doesn't screw it up by throwing it to the other guys. And at his worst, he looks for the perfect pass instead of moving the chains and managing the game and thinks his arm is stronger than John Elway's, which is both stupid and immaterial.

"I could pass for the first down, but fuck it, my arm is stronger than John Elway's, so hheeaaahhh!!!!!"

Before Cutler was hurt and his heart was questioned, he missed passes to Devin Hester (one crossing pattern, one deep ball) that 20 quarterbacks in the league would have made. Actually, Hanie completed essentially the same pass to Johnny Knox that Cutler missed to Hester.

I can't be sure but I think the crossing pattern to Hester he's talking about was at the 10:38 mark of the third quarter, when Cutler's MCL was already torn, and obviously he couldn't plant and throw, which is why he was taken out of the game, not a strange statement about his heart, which makes this come full circle as the worst paragraph ever written in sports journalism ever, and fuck you Mike Wilbon.

2 comments:

  1. Jay Cutler is a pussy, he actually tore his labia minora.

    ReplyDelete
  2. and that, folks, is what grinds my gears

    ReplyDelete