Monday, November 15, 2010

A real "funny" column!

Of all the columnists on all the web sites in all of sports commentary in all of the Internets of all the days I read instead of doing my job, Gregg Doyel is the worst. The worst ever. I live in a perpetual state of shock that he has a job writing national sports columns.

Commiserate with me.

Bengals' comedy tour reaches hilarious new low

For a column that has the words "comedy" and "hilarious" right in the headline, this is about to be a really smelly, awful, unfunny piece of shit.

INDIANAPOLIS -- The Bengals told a few more jokes Sunday. They slipped on a few more banana peels. They're not any good, but by golly they're entertaining.

Isn't this a really strange team to be picking on? You've got a bunch of teams that were supposed to be at least decent this year but instead are awful, and you're going to pick on ... the Bengals? What did they do to you?

Gregg is also going to use a lot of "humor"-ish words to describe the Bengals, but really he's being sarcastic, because he hates the Bengals for some reason!!! I really don't get it. It's like if someone wrote a really acidic piece saying "The Mariners paid all that money for Erik Bedard, those FUCKING RETARDS!!!" Dude calm down, they're the Mariners.

Owner Mike Brown must love this team more than any he has ever had, because Brown clearly loves a good joke. He is, after all, the guy with the wacky idea of putting Pacman Jones, Tank Johnson, Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco on the same roster -- and leaving pushover Marvin Lewis in charge of that roster.

Words used so far:

Banana peels
Good joke

...I think I get it, man.

Also, Gregg is correct in assuming that the Bengals are the only team in the NFL that has players who have image problems, because you don't see guys like that on winners like the Ravens, or the Titans, or, Jesus Christ, the Eagles.


But really it's not hilarious. Clever turn of phrase (?).

The latest knee-slapper


was the Bengals' 23-17 loss Sunday at Indianapolis, where Cincinnati had three interceptions and two fumbles to lose to a watered-down, injured Colts team that mailed in the final three quarters and still won more convincingly than the six-point spread would suggest.

I get that the Colts have had injuries, but Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne still play for them, don't they? No? It was Curtis Painter throwing to three practice squad guys the whole game?

Here is also where Gregg begins a really puzzling charge that the Colts didn't play hard during the game, or something, which is complete bullshit, because ... are you serious?

Let's back up that wild claim with insane inaccuracies.

The Colts scored 17 points in the first 15½ minutes, then called off the dogs. Colts quarterback Peyton Manning stopped throwing the ball. The Colts' defense stopped blitzing. The Colts went from rainbow sherbet to vanilla, just like that, and it was enough to overwhelm the undeveloped palate of the silly Bengals.

If this was FJM -- which this isn't -- I'd be in food metaphors heaven right now.

But we've got something more important here: Gregg's assertion that "Colts quarterback Peyton Manning stopped throwing the ball" after the Colts scored their second touchdown, in the second quarter. From that point until the end of the third quarter (I'm not counting the fourth because the Colts ran the ball then like ANY team with a lead EVER would), here's your run-to-pass breakdown:

Passes: 23
Runs: 5

Really looks like Peyton stopped throwing, doesn't it?

And they're silly, all right. Harmless. Pathetic. The Bengals aren't going to beat many teams this season, but it's OK because they're just so darned cute.

Jesus dude, why do you hate the Bengals so much?

One of the most earnest, professional players in the locker room, offensive tackle Andrew Whitworth, met the media afterward and summed up the hopeless situation that faces a hapless team looking at six consecutive losses.

"The key," Whitworth said, "is getting guys to play with confidence -- even if we don't have anything to be confident about."

I wonder how Gregg will take this innocuous quote that anyone on a losing team ever could have said. Let's predict: Crazily.

Adorable. And true. The Bengals are entering Dave Shula territory, losing in new and ridiculous ways.

You know a team that's losing in new and ridiculous ways? The Lions. Have you seen them? They lose in the craziest ways ever this year and their numbers suggest they should be winning, unlike the Bengals, who are just sort of below-average and why are you writing this?

Quarterback Carson Palmer had two interceptions returned for touchdowns -- although the second pick-six, by Colts linebacker Tyjuan Hagler, was generously overturned by a replay review. The interception stood, but after further review Hagler was ruled down at the 10 yard line. By then the damage already had been done. The Bengals faced a 17-0 deficit early in large part because Palmer's passer rating after one quarter was 2.8. Even Rex Grossman thinks that's lousy.

Palmer had two picks returned for touchdowns, besides the one that wasn't because he was down, so it wasn't a touchdown at all, but I'm calling it one because I'm Gregg Doyel, goddamnit, and I have a point to make.

I really don't get what point this makes. Somehow the Bengals have invented a "new" way to lose in that they turned the ball over and their quarterback had a bad start.

It wasn't just Palmer, of course. Running back Cedric Benson, who had lost three fumbles in the previous four years, lost his third fumble of the season Sunday because of Colts linebacker Kavell Conner's back. Benson brushed against the No. 53 on Conner's jersey and the ball popped loose. Conner never saw what happened. Still, he was credited with a forced fumble.

So a guy who normally is good at not fumbling had a bad day, and also why the fuck are we spending this much energy on the fucking Cincinnati Bengals?

Maybe Gregg just lost a big bet on them and is venting or something.

But enough anecdotal humor. We should hand someone the microphone. Here, let's give it to Ochocinco, who played his heart out -- sincerely. Ochocinco made diving plays all over the field, leaped for passes over the middle without hesitation and even returned for the fourth quarter after landing on his shoulder earlier and leaving the game in obvious pain.

Ochocinco seems convinced the Bengals can salvage their season -- even at 2-7, last in the AFC North.

Unlike Carson Palmer, who said that the season is over and he doesn't plan on showing up to practice any more. Jonathan Joseph is already in the Bahamas!

"We'll get it figured out," he said.

Meanwhile, Jermaine Gresham said, "We'll never figure it out and the team is doomed forever." Added Pacman Jones, "This team sucks and I don't plan on winning any more.

Hahahaha. Oh, sorry. He's not done talking. He wants to tell us why the Bengals will get it figured out. We're all ears, Och'.

I want to Punch Gregg Doyel in the face. And please don't call him "Och'."

"We have enough leaders in this locker room," he said. "Myself, Terrell ..."

I don't know what goes on in the Bengals' locker room and I don't pretend to. But that's because I'm not a national columnist, who has every right to pretend he knows the inner dynamics of a football team:

Hysterical. A leader in the locker room, Ochocinco?


I mean, maybe, right? We don't really know what goes on after the press leaves, so we don't really have grounds to openly suggest that Chad is, you know, lying, or whatever. Or do we?

Terrell is Terrell Owens, who leads not with words but by example. For example, Owens alligator-armed one long pass, letting a potential 50-yard reception land at his feet because, I suppose, a man can get a rug burn sliding for a ball at his feet.

Actually, it seemed like he lost the ball in the sun because he had to stare back into that really randomly-placed window-thing at Lucas Oil. Or maybe it's because he didn't want to get rug burn (because T.O., a renowned sissy, never played a Super Bowl on a broken ankle or anything).

And for example, there was Palmer's third interception of the game, a poorly conceived pass over the middle, in the vicinity of Owens, that he let float past him and into the arms of Colts safety Aaron Francisco. Owens could have made an effort on the ball -- it didn't appear to be out of his reach -- but that would have meant getting hit. Terrell Owens is a leader, but let's not go overboard.

Yeah, he could have made a play on that. Which brings me to my next point, who the fuck cares?

Afterward, Palmer came as close as he ever will to calling out a teammate -- declining to attack or defend Owens' effort on the play, saying instead, "I'm going to have to look at it on film."

Because he should have said, "Yeah you pussy, catch the ball next time! I'm out here shotgunning balls right into your chest, it's time to catch one with your ovaries, you bitch!"

Oh wait, Carson Palmer is a professional and acted professionally.

Do us a favor, Carson, and make sure Marvin Lewis is watching the film too. Because Lewis said he had no issue with Owens' effort on the Francisco interception.

"I've not seen T.O. give up on any plays," Lewis said.

Yes, because a coach openly throwing one of his star players under the bus is good for team chemistry.

An NFL team run by Gregg Doyel would result in an 0-16 season and the murder of the head coach.

What about that 50-yarder earlier in the game, I asked Lewis? The one that fell at his feet? The one he didn't dive or slide or even lean over to try to catch?

The one he lost in the sun and couldn't see?

Lewis giggled at me. Told me, "You need a new line of questioning."

Referring to grown men as "adorable" and "giggling" is starting to get really fucking weird.

Me: "You mean, easier questions?"

Lewis: "Or someone smarter than me to answer them."

Honestly, I'm just shocked that Gregg was anywhere near the game and still had the brain injury bad enough to write this.

Not a bad idea, now that he mentions it. Someone, please show that quote to Mike Brown. But first, tell the Bengals' joke of an owner that the world isn't laughing with him.

Fire the coach!! Fire the owner! Cut the players! Tear down the walls!!! Kill everyone!!! Bomb Cincinatti!!! ALL MUST PAY!!!

We're laughing at him.

It's like that old saying -- I have to laugh [at the fact that Gregg Doyel gets paid to do this]. Or else I'd cry.


  1. I honestly tried to post this blog to but their job applications are more difficult than a moromon's underwear.