Tuesday, October 26, 2010

How LeBron Could Have Improved His Image For Cheap

Spiteful, full of misguided rage, probably angers Cleveland, yet effective. Not only is this the BWP motto*, it is the new LeBron ad geared toward improving his image. I love the ad. I like the attitude of firing back at famous critics who actually accomplished something, because fuck it, everyone hates me anyway. But it never had to come to this. Here's a few suggestions of how LeBron could have fixed his PR disaster and saved some cash for future hush money.

1. Boba Fett Mask

You can say anything you want in a Boba Fett mask, and nobody will be offended.

Point proven. Moving on. Quickly.

2. Rape and/or Sexually Assault Someone

LeBron is in a unique situation. He is the only celebrity hated for hurting feelings. Rape and sexual assault paves the way for the come back story. LeBron doesn't have that luxury. If Roethlisberger and the Steelers win the Super Bowl, the story will tell of the Steelers persevering through the first 4 weeks of the season without their leader. If LeBron wins the title, people hate him more. LeBron has no avenue to becoming a sympathetic figure until he has something to overcome. Unless I've severely misjudged the American psyche, any problem of human character and sympathy can be solved by rape.*

3. Crystal Meth

Not an expensive drug. More self-destructive than rape, but rape can't get you on a reality show. Or maybe it can. I don't watch much VH1. Just throwing things out there. Who doesn't like a meth head? Intervention get pretty high ratings, after all. Plus, when the Heat can't live up to their impossible expectations, he can blame his meth addiction. I can see it now. LeBron crying in Dwayne Wade's arms during the highest rated Intervention episode, tearfully accepting to take the flight to the rehab team in Cleveland. A&E needs to make this happen.

4. Have A-Rod Follow Him Around
He already is.
Win-Win. A-Rod thinks he's improving his image and will do it for free. LeBron looks like less of a douche by comparison. That was easy.

5. Play Like Adam Morrison

Adam Morrison has cracked the code. He developed the perfect skill set that would allow 2 championship rings to fall into his lap. Sure, he didn't play, but he still has the jewelry and a story to kill his grand kids. That is, of course, if he doesn't die alone. Which he might. And might have already. We'll have research look into that. The point is, you don't have to be in the spotlight to be a role player on a championship team.

6. Combine 1-5

What do you call a man who can always be seen wearing Boba Fett helmet and hanging out with A-Rod, who despite the fact is a serial raping meth addict has managed to be a part of 2 NBA championship teams? The most interesting man in the world.

Should have just sent me a tweet LeBron. I'm here to help.

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