Thursday, July 23, 2009

FJM-Style Posts: Thou Shalt Not Covet

Hi. I know.

So one of our favorite blogs, the now-defunct Fire Joe Morgan, used to do this style better than everyone, because they'd find awful journalism and take it apart. I've always wanted to pick up where they left off at 30% of the quality.

And what better to dissect than this ridiculous column by Gregg Doyel, because everyone has something to say about Erin Andrews now. Even Blazing With Phelps dot Com!

You call yourself a man? Not while Erin out your fantasies online

You call yourself a columnist? Not while your headlines include gutwrenching puns.

You're out there. I just know it. You're reading this right now, aren't you, you stupid little boy?

Hello there, why are you so angry?

And you are a little boy.

Gregg Doyel is mad as hell, and he's not gonna take it any more!

I don't care how old you are -- you're not a man. Not if you're one of the thousands, probably hundreds of thousands, maybe millions, of American males slobbering over the Internet for images of ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews.

Stop finding attractive women attractive! Don't look at them! Stop it!

You're not a man.

Problem is, you're probably among my readers. Maybe even a regular reader.

No one knows who filmed Erin Andrews, but one thing is for sure: he reads Gregg Doyel. This much is fact.

Maybe I need you, and CBSSports.com needs you, and any sports website needs you, to survive.

Maybe I'd rather not survive.

That's right, if you look at internet porn, Gregg Doyel would rather be on the STREET than have your filthy pageviews. One second, my mother's basement is flooding with hypocricy and I believe it's going to kill me.

Hey, Gregg, your angry spewing argument is convincing enough so far, but can you reference an early-90s television show to really drive the point home?

You're why men have become such an easy target. You know that? You're the reason TV shows like The Simpsons and Family Guy and Married ... with Children make a mockery of the American male.

Thanks, Gregg!

In commercials, the husband or father is almost always the comic relief. He's the slow-moving guy who misses out on the last Eggo waffle. Or the dimwit incapable of purchasing a CD on the Internet. Or the horny moron who walks into a plate-glass window when a pretty woman saunters past.

And this is because someone... filmed Erin Andrews through a peephole. Because... of commercials? Or Married with Children? So... yeah!

That's him.

Get him!

Because you're ... you.

Wait, I thought it was him! It's you! Couldn't be!! Then who?!

And there's a whole lot of you out there.

Fornicators and malcontents, the lot of ye!

I could pretend you don't know the latest Erin Andrews story, and dutifully lay out the background right now. But that would be ridiculous. Of course you know the latest Erin Andrews story. You're part of the story. Hell, you are the story.

Me?

Yes, you.

Gregg stole the cookie from the cookie jar!

You're probably not the actual guy who drilled a hole into the wall of her hotel room and filmed her and then put it on the Internet.

No, so why are you yelling at me? Are you even a sports columnist? Why is this man so full of hate? Is he a friend of Erin Andrews?

But chances are, you're among the hundreds of thousands of guys who have searched the Internet for that video. Which means you're among the millions of American males who set this sick scenario into motion by congregating online at the altar of Erin Andrews Imagery. Objectification is yours!

Gregg Doyel has never found a woman attractive. I mean, it's not awesome that someone filmed her naked. And they're a bad person. But men the world over were curious. I don't think that makes them... bad people. Who should be disallowed from reading sports columns. Or whatever type of column this is.

And you're this country's next wave of husbands and fathers. Terrific.

Erin Andrews Peephole Video = Destruction of American familial structure

Honestly, I don't know why I'm even bothering.

I don't either. You could go back and erase this on your MS Word 2003 and not turn it in. Or... you could just do that. That's fine.

You don't, and you won't, see your problem. Addicts or idiots -- and you are very possibly both -- never do.

The best thing is that he's still addressing the reader of this column directly. I guess we're... addicts now? Because there's an Erin Andrews peephole video? And we're also going to destroy this country.

You think it's fine to scour the Internet for pictures of Erin Andrews and then find the nearest message board and type, "I'd hit it."

I'd hit you.

As if you'd have a chance at Erin Andrews.

You don't know her like I do though!! We were meant to be!!!

Or any attractive woman.

Seriously, why is this guy so upset?

See, the general rule of thumb is this: If you've ever uttered the words I'd hit it ... then you really wouldn't.

CBS Sports columnist Sigmundd Freudel, everyone.

Because you couldn't. Because you're a loser.

Fuck you, people whose visits I depend on for my livelihood! You didn't do anything wrong, but some creepy guy made a peephole video you saw, so fuck you! Fuck you!!

Ask the woman who works in the cubicle next to you. (First, take your eyes off her breasts.)

After typing this sentence, Gregg Doyel pulled out an electric guitar, plugged it into an amp, and wailed on it. The neighbors called in a noise complaint.

You're the guy who goes to strip clubs and shoves $1 bills into a stranger's g-string while she dances in your lap, and you're stupid enough to think you've scored.

Once again, this is directed to literally everyone that is reading this column.

Your capacity for self-delusion is exceeded only by your incapacity to attract an actual (free) woman. So you go to strip clubs or hire a prostitute or, if you're cheap, you congregate on the Internet and study YouTube videos of Erin Andrews. Look, loser -- there's her butt!

So you've seen the video, then?

But when something like this happens ... when there's a report of an actual video of Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room ...

Dramatic one-word paragraph.

Meltdown.

The Internet goes nuts. According to Google Trends, which tracks web searches, the Erin Andrews hotel video was the single most-searched item on the Internet this weekend. The search peaked Monday morning at about 9:20 a.m. ET, which means guys along the East Coast reported to work and got down to serious business -- looking for this damn video.

Only working-age men looked at this video. No 10-16 year-old boys or anything. Or women. Just you, a scumbag at work looking for a cheap high. You probably did crack off of a stripper's ass afterwards and thought she was your girlfriend, didn't you, tough guy? Fuck you. You disgust Gregg Doyel.

Guess what was No. 2 on the Google Trends list? A search for someone called "Aaron Andrews." I'm not making that up.

People misspelled stuff too. So society... is in the shitter. He is NOT making this up.

And just missing the top 10 was the search for "Erin Anderson." I'm not making that up, either.

See? He's not fucking making it up!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY HE WAS MAKING THIS UP?!

So not only is the typical American male horny and hopeless -- he's stupid.

YOU said he was hopeless. YOU said that every single American male is a social retard that only gets gratification from this single video of a naked sideline reporter shot through a peephole, leading to the downfall of society.

But he's real. And apparently, since I'm an American male myself, he's ... me.

I... what? I think he's having a moment, guys. Was that like a self-revelation thing? ...Are we about to find out that this video was shot by... (gasp) GREGG DOYEL!!?!

Now you see why I'm so angry? Because you make me look bad. It's not like I know Erin Andrews, because I don't.

But then why are you so angry?

And it's not like I'm hoping she'll read this column, because she probably would prefer this whole thing to go away. The less said about it, the less focus on it, the better. That's probably her position, so my story is just one more log on the fire.

So just erase your Word document and write a different column. You don't have to write this. Don't write it. Don't send it in.

The maker of the video is trying to sell it, according to TMZ.com. On the message board below TMZ.com's story about its refusal to purchase the video, a typical American male whose screen name is "schlepptomaniac" wrote the following:

Saw the video...I'd piihb.

Oh god, not acronyms.

"Piihb" is shorthand I've never seen before, but I can guess what it means.

Something DISGUSTING and APPALLING and HATEFUL!!!

("Put it in ...")

Hickory basket.

When did the typical American male becomes such a sick freaking dumbass?

Great job, everyone, you made Gregg Doyel swear.

Meanwhile, this whole video thing has created a cottage industry unto itself. There's the video sales aspect, and the overheating search engines. And there's this: Makers of Internet viruses are capitalizing on the typical American male's desperate lust by attaching a computer virus to various "Erin Andrews video" search results.

The Erin Andrews video has destroyed:

Society

Gregg Doyel

Families

Perception of the American man

People who don't like Married... with Children

the Internet

Ironic, no?

No.

You wanted to see Erin Andrews naked. Instead you caught a disease.

Viruses != diseases. Is there time for a dick joke?

I hope it rots and falls off.

Your hard drive, I mean.

I was hoping you meant your hands.

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