I mean, I said the Royals were going to have negative wins. Whatever. Analysis!
1. Detroit Tigers (Winning Percentage: .549, Preseason Prediction: Fourth Place, .494)
Well, I was wrong. Who cares? I didn't put any thought into this crap. Whoa, sorry, I was wrong on the Tigers. Here's your money back. Eat me.
Something smart I said: "They spent about two billion dollars last year to finish in last place, even behind the Royals, which is no small feat. Maybe they did it to set up a Rays-like worst-to-first run this year and become America's darlings." Good call, me. It turns out that that's exactly what they're doing, behind a ridiculously strong pitching staff including Justin Verlander and Edwin Jackson, two people that most of us had given up on. This is why we don't run baseball teams.
Something dumb I said: "All I know is that between Justin Verlander, Gary Sheffield, and probably other people on the team that I don't know, a lot of these guys used to be pretty good." Yeah, count me amongst the people who had given up on Verlander. My b, dude.
2. Minnesota Twins (Winning Percentage: .481, Preseason Prediction: Second Place, .549)
I "nailed" their spot in the order, I guess, but I really thought overall that this was going to be a stronger division. It hasn't been. Thanks for killing my fantasy team, Liriano.
Something smart I said: Touting "Home-grown hero Joe Mauer," whose power stroke a lot of people had decided was nonexistent. We showed them, Joey! Fuck yeah! Mauer is currently hitting north of .400 and has been blasting homers left and right. But you can't get too excited about this team because they've actually pretty much sucked. They're just in an awful division.
Something dumb I said: Touting the pitching staff. Fuck you, Liriano. Fuck you and your control problems. Sounds like someone needs the tutelage of Rich Hill.
3. Chicago White Sox (Winning Percentage: .481, Preseason Prediction: First Place, .562)
Well, that sucks. They're on pace to win 13 fewer games than I had them projected for. That doesn't actually sound that bad though. So take that.
Something smart I said: My unyielding support of octogenarian Jermaine Dye, who continues to put up solid production. Others would shy away from 36-year-old power hitters after the steroids era, but not I. Not I!!! Jermaine, we will ride to GLORY!!!
Something dumb I said: "I like Carlos Quentin." Carlos Quentin hates baseball. I hate when I put dumb shit in print, this is why I never do prediction columns unless I make it clear that they're jokes. Oh wait, that's what I did this time. Why are we doing this, again?
4. Kansas City Royals (Winning Percentage: .442, Preseason Prediction: Last Place, less than zero wins)
Oh, so it turns out that you can't win negative games, and Zack Greinke has won much more than negative. So... I was wrong.
Something smart I said: "They have Alex Gordon playing third base, which would be great if third base was a position where you get points for not realizing your potential." Gordon started the season 2-for-21 and promptly got hurt. I'm so freaking smart sometimes.
Something dumb I said: "Also, beyond Gilga Meche I can't name a single guy in their pitching rotation." Ugh. I deserved to be played off by keyboard cat after that gem. Zack Greinke! Jesus Christ. He's been like a cross between Tom Seaver and the apocalypse this year. Just a preposterous quarter of a season for a guy that I actually like and somehow completely forgot about when I did my fake baseball preview. Why this matters? I don't know. You're the one reading.
Cleveland Indians (Winning Percentage: .418, Preseason Prediction: Third Place, .525)
Man, I was wrong about these guys too. They freaking suck. They suck lemons.
Something smart I said: Nothing. Mentioning Travis Hafner looked smart for about a week and a half and then he remembered that he is bad at baseball. Meh, what are you gonna do? I was right about their racist mascot. Hey-ya-ho-yah hey-ya-ho-yah!!!!
Something dumb I said: Grady Sizemore. Didn't see his horrible regression coming. Whatever.
Final verdict overall: I'm still really smart, despite what my predictions were.