Tuesday, June 2, 2009

News From the Real World: Detroit Shut Down

Ed. note: Sorry I died again. Here's a new segment called "News From the Real World," where I compensate for the fact that I have to work now by writing fake news about what's going on outside my mother's basement. Enjoy or whatever.

FORMERLY MICHIGAN--In a move prophesized by Kentucky Derby trainer John Rich, the city of Detroit has been cut from existence.

After every major and minor business in the city went bankrupt, starting with automobile conglomerate General Motors, the entire area simply collapsed upon itself in a vortex of poor business skills and broken-down Saturn Ions.

City spokesman Eminem could not be reached for comment, as he had vanished. Shortly before Detroit disappeared into a black hole of suck, the rapper's old trailer park near 8 Mile Road had become the richest neighborhood per capita in the state of Michigan.

Neighboring cities seem to be relatively unharmed; however, the sulfuric stench produced by last season's Detroit Lions can still be smelled in Flint and as far away as northwestern Ohio.

Experts believe that the city simply could not support the series of poor decisionmaking that led to what kids on the internet call an "epic fail." The structural integrity of Detroit was compromised Monday when GM's worth, which was about half of a trillion dollars 10 years ago, had slipped to the equivalence of two tacos at Jack in the Box and a small shake.

The city of Detroit had been home to roughly 1,000,000 people, who are all now presumed to have disappeared. Rescuers are still hopeful that people in Detroit are simply hanging their heads in shame so low that it is impossible to see them any more.

The last two connections the rest of the world has to Detroit are singer Kid Rock, who has been impervious to being destroyed by massive amounts of suck since he somehow turned the horrible song "All Summer Long" into a hit last year, and Tigers right fielder Magglio Ordonez, whose hair acts as a natural defensive agent.

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