Tuesday, June 9, 2009

News From the Real World: Banks Repay Loans, Recession Over

The big news today from the real world is that 10 of the largest banks in this country have gotten the green light from Congress to repay $68 billion that they received in federal bailout money.

For Americans everywhere, this means one thing: We're rich again! Suck it, China! Buy us out now, you Godzilla-fearing bitches! Say hi to Kim-Jong Il for us. Losers.

Now that the banks are all doing fine, I'm expecting my money back any day now. IN CASH. With interest. Booyakashah. And that's not to say I haven't already spent it all, either, because I have. I bailed my cousin Ray-Ray out of jail. Respect.

Companies like JPMorgan, Capital One and American Express all passed the "stress test" the government administered, and now we don't have to worry about money any more. Unfortunately, like Greg at the VD clinic, Morgan Stanley failed the test. But also like Greg, they decided it was okay and they're just going to keep on going. Really inspiring, both of you.

The money had originally come to these banks through the cleverly-named "TARP," or "Take ARrrrr [Money... The "ARrrrr" is Because We're] Pirates." This was shortly after all taxpayers were declared as pirates. Watch your face!

So, congratulations! Let's all rejoice! We're officially 1/14th of the way there! Put it up on the big booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooard:

Boom, baby!

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