Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Rhode Island

Ed. note: This is the thirteenth in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy appointing your 26-year-old diabetic son as the next heir to your throne, you missed: Virginia, Pennsylvania, New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida, California, Nebraska, Ohio, Oklahoma, North Carolina

Let's fact check those bastards from Rhode Island.

Check yourselves, Rhode Island, 'cause you're on the fucking hot seat. It's about time someone cut you down to size--pun intended.

You see, Rhode Island is the smallest state in the union. This is the most well-known thing about Rhode Island, and also the only thing anyone knows about Rhode Island.

Rhode Island serves an important purpose, however: It is sandwiched between Connecticut, Massachusettes and Long Island--the three douchiest areas per capita in the United States. If Rhode Island didn't exist, we would be subject to douche rays far beyond what humans can handle. So thank you, Rhode Island.

Just over a million people live in Rhode Island, or about the same amount of people that live in stupid San Jose, California. Christ. On the bright side, they can't suck as bad as the people who live in San Jose, because no one sucks that badly.

Rhode Island has a simple economy because they don't have any fucking land. Maybe soon they'll start building huge high rise buildings or something. They're like your friend who's an RA and lives in the dorms. It's like, yeah, that's cool or whatever, but there's no room for all your shit, dude.

The main staple of the Rhode Island economy is fishing. Who cares.

Rhode Island was named by someone who obviously didn't understand the concept of an "island," because it's not a fucking island. Rhode Island is like one and a half land borders away from being a miniature version of Kansas. Fuck that, I didn't know we could just call our states whatever we wanted without regard for what the words meant. I'm now from Mary Clownface Jeff Gilooly Buttsex Land. It doesn't have to make sense guys, Rhode Island said so.

There are no sports of note in Rhode Island, but remember when Lamar Odom led the Rhode Island University Rams basketball team to the NCAA tournament? I can't remember where I put my keys, but I sure do remember that. Fuck sports.

Rhode Island is known as the "Ocean State" because they are really original and special. Hey you fuckheads, 17 other states border oceans and you don't see us getting all uppity about it. Do something new besides existing near water.

Rhode Island also hangs its hat on being a state of many "firsts": The first synagogue in America. The first slavery prohibition law. The first colony to declare independence. The first Baptist Church. The first state to bore me the fuck to death. Get something done this century or step the fuck off, Rhode Island.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Rhode Island. Rhode Island sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

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