Friday, May 1, 2009

A-Rod Invented Steroids, Created AIDS

BRISTOL, Conn. -- Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez has admitted he invented steroids and accidentally created and spread the HIV virus in a recent interview.

Rodriguez, 33, was heard shouting, "It was me! I did it all!" during a taping of Baseball Tonight earlier this week, before running backstage in tears. Rodriguez was being interviewed by John Kruk at the time of the outburst.

"It was weird," said Kruk. "I asked [Rodriguez] how his hip was feeling after a simulated game, and he just kind of lost it."

A cameraman followed Rodriguez backstage. After being assured the red light coming from the camera was the "off light," Rodriguez explained to the cameraman the reason for his outburst. The resulting live feed has become an internet sensation and gave Baseball Tonight their highest-ever ratings.

"I just can't keep lying anymore," Rodriguez said. "I get all these questions about my steroid use, and I can no longer bear it. I invented steroids in the early '80s. I needed to give myself an edge, I didn't mean for it to go this far."

Rodriguez went on to explain that in the process of creating steroids, he accidentally created the HIV virus, the virus that leads to AIDS.

"I was too afraid to test my formula at first, so I would secretly inject my various and plentiful male partners in the heat of passion. Their immune systems quickly eroded, and I realized the error I had made. I had to tweak it."

Rodriguez said he knew he perfected his formula when he noticed former MLB player Jose Canseco's arms "felt ever so strong" as they embraced him.

Jose Canseco could not be reached for comment. Canseco's agent told BWP MLB Correspondent Sage Rosenfels his client was in Mexico investigating a business opportunity involving pigs.

4 comments:

  1. brilliant reporting john, good work searching for those quotes. they were gold

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  2. I'm just writing what Sage Rosenfels is reporting

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  3. well then good work to sage then

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  4. Oh I get it, you're gonna use that ol' Onion technique of the "fake story" to defend A-Rod... like, anybody who criticizes this 'roid popper is SUCH a moron.

    Trouble is, it won't work -- the Onion doesn't try to run sneaky backhanded Pub Relations for people, they just do it to be entertaining. You fail. A-Roid is perceived as being a cheat, and there are rumblings about his having AIDS out there.

    Fail.

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