Saturday, May 16, 2009

Preakness Ruined by Old People Who Hate Fun


Ah, it's Preakness in Baltimore. The sun is shining, every young blooded male from the Eastern Shore to Hagerstown has their own cooler filled with Natty light, poor children are running rampant around the track trying to carry said beer on stolen shopping carts, the port-o-potty's glisten with morning dew, just ready to be the arena for the most exciting 10 seconds in sports (shown below)


The absolute debauchery that ensues in the infield was a Baltimore tradition, and one much better than our other traditions of awesome aquariums and crack. Then, white people with money decided to try and make Preakness more sophisticated this year and banned all coolers and alcohol from coming into the infield. They now serve beer for $3.50 and have set up ROCKBAND competitions and NASCAR simulations,making Preakness look like fucking Dave and Busters instead of the grounds where you need to continuously look over your shoulder to see if a full beer is whizing at your head.

If playing "More Than a Feeling" on a plastic guitar or pretending to drive like Dale Earnhardt (I guess you'd lose if you drove like him, too soon?) doesn't strike your fancy as dick loving fun, maybe the chance to see the corpses of ZZ Top play for 60 bucks does. Now don't get me wrong, "Sharp Dressed Man" has been my go to song to get ready for dates for a couple years now, but paying $60 to watch them is almost as big of a crime as pretending that the under card of BuckCherry is actually entertainment.


It really sickens me to think about how Charm City's little horse racing gem is being twiddled down to some video games, over priced beer, and shitty music. Now, that I think of it, they have made Preakness into a bowling alley. I'm going to go make a Black Eyed Susan, and cry my little eyes out. For shame Preakness, for shame. I'll leave you my favorite Preakness video of all time.

1 comment:

  1. I admit I was in favor of the ban. However, I was thinking, how is it that Churchill Downs embraces the madness of the infield and still considered a classy place (i.e. vote for the "Chief Party Officer")? A lesson for the Maryland Jockey Club? Embrace Freaknes and don't shut it out?

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