UPDATE FROM THE BWP NEWS DESK:
We have obtained shocking pictures of our poor friend Eric. Pray for him tonight.
STATE COLLEGE, Pa.--Our friend Eric has been throwing up all day in connection with the swine flu pandemic.* He has seen a doctor, who challenges that it is food poisoning and not swine flu, but BWP investigative reporters have uncovered the truth: Eric was injected with swine flu deep within the BWP laboratories.
Delerious and between battles with consciousness, Eric had this to say. "I'm like stoop kid, but with swine flu." No word yet on if he's afraid to leave his stoop, or what in the flying fuck that meant. But such a state of mental distress is not uncommon with swine flu.
Eric is the first case of swine flu in Pennsylvania and expects to make a speedy recovery. BWP injected him with the virus because we were bored and wanted to see what it would be like.
This is not Eric's first bout with illness. In 2006, he contracted polio when we were on winter break and got bored and injected him with it. In 2004, we injected him with rickets. And in 2001, he was infected with scurvy but we didn't have anything to do with it*.
We injected Eric with scurvy in 2001.
Eric is currently recovering in his bed and all of us at BWP wish him a speedy recovery because we are getting bored again and working on a mutated form of Syphillis.
Nick Werner contributed to this report.