Friday, May 15, 2009

Kelly Washington is Going to be a Raven

Pending a physical, the Ravens are going to sign Kelly Washington to a one year deal. The former third round pick beat out fat and out of shape Jerry Porter, and some jizz tonsil named after shitty cola, Tab Perry at a "tryout" during mini-camp. I think he has some potential and I'm solely basing that on this touchdown celebration

If the man can move like that, I'm pretty sure he can burn Jonathan Joseph and Leon Hall. Some other news in Baltimore sports:

1. Fuck you

2. Im bitter that I may have seen the best years of Maryland sports when I was twelve when the Terps won the basketball national championship, the Ravens won the Super Bowl, and I had enough to cheer about that I didn't care that Albert Bell was still the Orioles top paid player four years after retirement.

3. We have a kicking competition between Steve Hauschka and Florida State rookie Graham Gano (IT'S ON!). My prediction is that Hauschka starts losing the job and Nancy Kerrigan's the shit out of Gano. Nothing says scandal like a kicking sabatoge.

4. Kenny Chesney is playing in Baltimore next Friday. Although not sports related what-so-ever, I'm going and wanted you to know that while you're sitting on your computers in a week furiously refreshing this site with no new content that I will be singing about a dog named Bocephus who lived in the front yard, liked sleeping out on top of the car, that he drank beer out of a mason jar, and most importantly that he climbed up on everyone's bed. Life's good when you're writing for the most famous website that combines Baltimore sports, AIDS, and a sprinkle of talented Jewish writer from College Park.

5. The Orioles have the worst bullpen in the history of baseball. I have no statistical backing for this, but I do have hundreds of cans of Natty Boh lying around that defend that comment quite well.

6. Joe Flacco is looking good as tits during mandatory mini camps. If you ask how good tits look, then you sir are not living a life worth living.

7. The Orioles have a new ad campaign that tries to put our franchise into a good light, which is like trying to paint Hitler's campaign to look like a Humanitarian Project. My favorite one is where there is some doofus kid who brags about some two game "sweep" we had against the Red Sox last year. my favorite quote is when the virgin goes "and we sent Red Sox nation back to Boston silent." Oh yeah buddy, we really got them. I'm sure all the Sox fans were really wishing to trade spots with us. I mean it's not like they have two world series this decade, were approximately 350 games ahead of us in the standings at the time, and have pitching that makes our staff look like the Juggs batting practice machine, but yeah shit head, we really showed them. I need a drink.

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