Saturday, May 2, 2009

I Hate Everyone.

So I'm sitting here studying in my apartment and as you can imagine I am not really enjoying myself. To make matter worse, the people in the apartment above me have their speakers pointed out the window with the tunes blasting. As I study, I am going to update the stupid and entertaining things I hear from upstairs. I hope you enjoy.

12:16 AM A guy brags to a girl about all of the things he has thrown out his window onto the adjacent building's roof. This will not get you laid buddy, I've already tried it.

12:20 AM Sounds like the neighbors showed up. There is much cheering and rejoicing as Akon sings about being from the streets and all that cool stuff.

12:28 AM T-Pain and Jamie Foxx are blaming it on the alcohol as we speak. I am not getting anything productive done.

12:30 AM Girl exclaims, "Is it time for last call!?" as Ludacris plays in the background.

12:32 AM Music stops. Could I possibly get some silence?

12:34 AM Nope. A girls sings Miley Cyrus by herself as everyone else laughs.

12:40 AM Apparently now it is time for last call. The song "Last Call" by Lee Ann Womack is being sung by everyone in the apartment. They place extra emphasis on the word "alcohol" every time Lee Ann says it in the song.

12:45 AM Don't look now but the party upstairs has gone country! Alan Jackson would be proud. Billy Currington is now the music du jour. But no, they changed it up. It is now Ashton Shepard. Make up your fucking minds!

12:48 AM Old school Tim McGraw "Just to see you smile" is now playing and a surprised kid exclaims "OH MY GOD YOU KNOW THIS SONG?" and sings while wearing what I can only imagine is a shit-eating grin.

12:52 AM For those of you who had "before 1 AM" in the "when will a Taylor Swift song be played by these douche bags" pool are winners as "Should have said no" can be heard for miles around.

12:53 AM They decided to change it to "Love Story." Die.

12:59 AM Seems that they broke out of the country phase and it's Britney Spears time. I'm sure the music will only get better from here.

1:10 AM A guy comes to the window and says "Crap! I think I just stepped in mud." You are on the 4th floor buddy, there is no way that is mud, it might be poop.

1:11 AM John Denver sure was full of shit. "Country Roads" is now playing.

1:12 AM It was only a matter of time until we got to "I Love College" by Asher Roth (see the Asher Roth remix story below)*. They are playing the original version of the song but its only a matter of time until the remix becomes mainstream.

1:20 AM Back to country? "Mississippi Girl" by Faith Hill. The fat girls from Pennsylvania (never seen them, but safe assumption) are really getting into this one.

1:25 AM Well the party seems to have died down. They probably pregamed harder than they partied anyways, seeing that this is Penn State. I hope you enjoyed this because I literally got nothing productive done.

None of the above events were fabricated in any way, shape, or form. Times are in Eastern Standard Time.

Whoever said college was the best times of our lives can fist their selves.

*Asher Roth remix story: I heard an "I Love College" remix today on one of the Comcast TV radio stations. I'm going to try to describe it even though I am still in shock that this idea was actually approved by someone.

I'm sure most of you are familiar with the song "I Love Rock and Roll" by Joan Jett. Some might call it a classic. Well I'm sure you can see where this is going...

The song starts with the typical instrumental from the Joan Jett song, but there are some fresh beats in the background that sound a little out of place. Still everything sounds normal enough to fool the casual listener. Then as the main chorus of the song hits, Joan Jett screams "I LOVE..." and the brilliant and talented Mr. Roth jumps in with ... "COLLEGE!" The song only gets worse from there as Asher adds fun lyrics about beer pong, doing something crazy, freshmen, public nudity, and every other cliche college thing you can think of.

I thought I couldn't hate anyone more than Lil' Wayne but I think Asher Roth has just taken the number one spot.

I know the length of this post seems very hypocritical because of my O's Recap disclaimer, but I needed to procrastinate. Deal with it.


  1. are you saying you don't love college and/or drinking?