Thursday, May 21, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Virginia

Ed. note: This is the twelf (twelvefth?) in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While I was busy with finals and being a bad editor, I missed: Pennsylvania, New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida, California, Nebraska, Ohio, Oklahoma, North Carolina

John lives in Virginia most of the year and loves it. Just kidding, he HATES IT!!! GREAT STATE HATE FUCKIN' DEBATE WOO!!

Ah, yes. The Prodigal Son returns. What? No, I mean Michael Vick, not me. But thanks for noticing. Vick made the cross country road trip we all dream about the day we get our license. Starting point: A prison in Kansas. Final Destination: Terrible movie Hampton, VA to serve 2 months house arrest. The Timetable: 24 hours. Best. Day. Ever.

I have the displeasure of calling Hampton, VA my birthplace, and let me tell you, it is a shit hole. They really don't need to put a tracker on Vick. He lives in the once nice house in the city; he has no reason to ever leave it. The town sucks. I've seen the Eastern Shore, and it sucks. I frequent Northern Virginia, or "NOVA" if you're a tool, and it sucks. I've walked the slums of Richmond, and that city fucking blows. Exaggeration and hyperbole aside, Roanoke is the single worst city I have ever stepped foot in. I go to Virginia Tech and I meet more cows than proud Virginians on campus. The icing on the cake is the fact that Virginia is one of the 4 States whose founders were large enough pricks to declare their state a Commonwealth, putting them on par with Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, and Kentucky. I fucking hate the place.

This quagmire all started when John Smith wanted to bang underage Indians so badly that he decided to take up permanent residence by founding Jamestown in 1607. Everyone pretty much starved while John Smith raw dogged some natives, and all was well and terrible for the next 15 years. Then the Indians came and beat the living shit out of everyone in Jamestown in 1622. Logic would tell the remaining assholes to cut their losses and swim back to England, but sadly, the colony remained in existence. As with most things, I blame the British.

Several founding fathers are sons of Virginia. Virginia clings to this like it means something. There were 13 colonies, and only Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Massachusetts were worth a damn. Virginia had the most tobacco and slaves, and thus naturally got some important guys. Well done, Virginia. You have been around for 400 years, and all you have to show for is it is some important births in a 50 year span, and baring the capital of the Confederacy. Score 2 for Virgina.

Even West Virginia couldn't take Regular Virginia's constant bullshit. They decided they would rather be their own terrible state in 1863. So now we are left with the Virginia of today. The flag that wraps this bag of dicks is this artful abortion:

"Sic Semper Tyrannis." This little phrase was adopted in 1861, yet is commonly associated with Booth shouting it as he killed Lincoln. Apparently they are fine with that stigma. State's rights! Death to Tyrants!*

*as long as "tyrant" refers to politicians and not the tyranny over Indians and slaves

Virgina has no pro sport franchise to call its own, as DC is not part of Virginia. As it turns out, DC used to be part of Virginia, but the Virginia section was retroceded in 1843. By default, the most popular sports team in Virginia is the Virginia Tech Hokies football team. They are great. Virginia Tech is great. Just dandy. Aside from the fact its in the middle of nowhere and is freezing 9 months of the year. Why root for the team located in the middle of nowhere? Because UVA has a gay Frenchman for a mascot, that's why.

So let's recap. Virginia has done some important things for the US, but is a shitty, God-awful place all the same. People have left it high and dry because they hated it so much. It has no sports team to call its own. And it is full of redneck's to boot. Virginia is the Brett Favre of the Union.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Virginia. Virginia sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant! State history tied in with the right amount of current events and satire.