Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Pennsylvania

Ed. note: This is the eleventh in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy searching for news about Dane Cook's cock and somehow ending up on our site, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida, California, Nebraska, Ohio, Oklahoma, North Carolina

In a Situation Lefty One-out Guy-esque situation, here's Nick on Pennsylvania.

I don't even have to fake this one. I hate the fuck out of this state.

How the hell do I even start to describe the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania? It's the only state in the union where the drivers all suck and the women all look like this.

It is my understanding that a lot of important stuff has happened throughout Pennsylvania's history. The signing of the Declaration of Independence; all of the stuff Ben Franklin did; someone broke the Liberty Bell; Rocky training scenes in Philly; just to name a few.

All of that shit happened a long time ago (except the Rocky training scenes, but he is fake, which some people in Philadelphia seem to forget, seeing as they built a FUCKING STATUE of him). Pennsylvania is the girl that developed early, peaked in the 5th grade, and now shes 40 years old and giving hand jobs for crack.

Speaking of hand jobs for crack, the city of Pittsburgh... don't get me started on that hellhole. A once booming city with steel mills and hard working, blue-collar Americans, Pittsburgh is now a shell of its former self. There aren't enough synonyms for the word "ugly" in the thesaurus to do the city justice so I will just sum it up with this.

Pennsylvania is known for having the highest Amish population of any state in the U.S. The Amish are sandwiched right in between Mormons and Scientologists on the weird beliefs scale but god is their food delicious.

I'm sure everyone is familiar with the show "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia". Well that show lies. It is never sunny in any part of Pennsylvania. In fact, it is cold and snowy 90% of the time and cloudy the other 10% of the time.

Pennsylvania is home to the most annoying sports fans you will find in the country. In Philly they boo at anything and everything, including their own players and in Pittsburgh they wave annoying yellow towels and have butt sex with each other. They make me sick.

I don't have anything bad to say about the food in Pennsylvania. With Pittsburgh style sandwiches from the western part of the state, Hershey in the middle of the state, and delicious cheese steaks in the eastern part of the state, you can get a great meal no matter where you go. This is probably the main reason for the obesity of their citizens.

The hicks in central and northern Pennsylvania love to hunt. In fact, most schools in the state have off on the first day of hunting season. It's good to see that the state supports children with guns. Charlton Heston would be proud.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

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