Sunday, May 17, 2009

That's enough, Dane Cook.

So Dane Cook, the guy people like to say they hate right before they pay $50 to see him at the Verizon Center, has a big new special and I, not feeling like “finals” are really an important thing to be paying attention to, have decided to revive my intelligent and informed blog postings by commenting on it.  Here you go.

P.S. I know the trendy thing to do is put the most recent post at the top.  That doesn’t make any damned sense so this will be in chronological order.  Shutup, real-people bloggers.

10:04 — Okay so first question, why is he in a room by himself?  The man sold out Giants Stadiumor some shit and now he’s playing to 12 people that aren’t even clapping?

10:11 — An autobiography: “A suicide note by someone who doesn’t really want to kill himself.”  This thing is pretty boring but that was uncharacteristically pithy.

10:14 — Dane uses the phrase “by big fat cock” and some woman screeches like that’s what killed her grandmother.  I am also on a first-name basis with Dane.

10:20 — Spinning a yarn about his parents dying and him cleaning up after his father’s defecation.  I left before the punchline because Jimmy John’s showed up with a sandwich, but I’ll bet you four Turkey Toms that it wasn’t funny.

10:27 — After saying 11-year-old black kids are scary: “I’m not rascist — I’ve got a black president.”

10:28 — The shrieking woman is back — Dane said “What if I got an erection right now?” and she let one rip like her eyeballs were on fire.

10:31 — I added some hyphens to the timestamps to make this thing readable for the thousands of people now flocking to my site.  I am bored senseless by this silly man with the weird haircut.  Also why, why, WHY are you using so much damned sex talk.

10:35 — Okay he stopped.


10:41 — Some weird bearded bastard just admitted to masturbating in his computer chair on like, freaking international television.  Thank god nobody is watching this anymore.

10:43 — Did Comedy Central just let Dane go on for like, 45 minutes about violent masturbation and then censor "Coldstone"?

10:45 — For anyone not watching, which is all of you, a warning: if someone at the watercooler starts telling Dane's "turkey club" joke tomorrow morning, punch him in the back of the head and push him out the window.

10:50 — It's been 50 minutes and he's made it through three kind-of-jokes.  I don't know anything technical about comedy but I'm pretty sure people somewhere should be laughing... I'm not and the audience there isn't... are you?  Let me save you the trouble of commenting.  You're not.

10:57 — Not quite through kind-of-joke number four yet.

Still 10:57 — He's done?  What just happened?



  1. so i am sitting here watching his NEW SPECIAL ISOLATED INCIDENT. he is talking about how people talk trash about him and hate him....most likley cause he has been acused of stealing jokes along with carlos mencia .............AND LOW AND BEHOLD HE TELLS A JOKE FROM ANOTHER COMEDIAN TO FINISH OUT HIS LITTLE SEGMENT...

    a joke from Russell Brand told on HIS special about an internet email which bashed him then the same person writes back apologetically and russell brand bashes the guy......he even brings the email typed out on a piece of paper

    dane cook just did the same VERY SAME joke

    what a freaking idiot

  2. I am OUTRAGED and CAPITALIZING WORDS and POSTING ON BLOGS and abusing the ONLY PERSON that read my post because he OR SHE has PECULIAR TYPOGRAPHICAL HABITS that I think I might want to STEAL IN THE FUTURE and CALL MY OWN

  3. i'll be honest, i fell asleep about 15 minutes into the special. good for you sticking it out to the end. i have to wonder if he's so full of himself that he hears a room of silent people and thinks "holy shit! these people or so completely dumbfounded by my jokes they can't even laugh anymore! i'm a fucking genius!!!". or is there a chance he realizes his jokes are old and tired?

  4. That's enough, BlazingWithPhelps.
    You clearly like Dane Cook and are trying to mask your feelings behind this sad, sad blog with a minute by minute breakdown of the special... now who is the freaking idiot!? I, along with MILLIONS of other people around the WORLD, love Dane Cook and will support him anyday of the week! Stop being a hater because it just shows how you hate your life and are trying to bring the rest of the world down with you. GROW UP AND GROW A PAIR!!!

  5. YOUR PROBABLY A DEMOCRAT ARN'T YOU... fuckin idiot!!!!!!!!!!

  6. um, that was somewhat alright.