So Dane Cook, the guy people like to say they hate right before they pay $50 to see him at the Verizon Center, has a big new special and I, not feeling like “finals” are really an important thing to be paying attention to, have decided to revive my intelligent and informed blog postings by commenting on it. Here you go.
P.S. I know the trendy thing to do is put the most recent post at the top. That doesn’t make any damned sense so this will be in chronological order. Shutup, real-people bloggers.
10:04 — Okay so first question, why is he in a room by himself? The man sold out Giants Stadiumor some shit and now he’s playing to 12 people that aren’t even clapping?
10:11 — An autobiography: “A suicide note by someone who doesn’t really want to kill himself.” This thing is pretty boring but that was uncharacteristically pithy.
10:14 — Dane uses the phrase “by big fat cock” and some woman screeches like that’s what killed her grandmother. I am also on a first-name basis with Dane.
10:20 — Spinning a yarn about his parents dying and him cleaning up after his father’s defecation. I left before the punchline because Jimmy John’s showed up with a sandwich, but I’ll bet you four Turkey Toms that it wasn’t funny.
10:27 — After saying 11-year-old black kids are scary: “I’m not rascist — I’ve got a black president.”
10:28 — The shrieking woman is back — Dane said “What if I got an erection right now?” and she let one rip like her eyeballs were on fire.
10:31 — I added some hyphens to the timestamps to make this thing readable for the thousands of people now flocking to my site. I am bored senseless by this silly man with the weird haircut. Also why, why, WHY are you using so much damned sex talk.
10:35 — Okay he stopped.
10:39 — HE'S BACK. HE'S BACK WITH THE FUCKING.
10:41 — Some weird bearded bastard just admitted to masturbating in his computer chair on like, freaking international television. Thank god nobody is watching this anymore.
10:43 — Did Comedy Central just let Dane go on for like, 45 minutes about violent masturbation and then censor "Coldstone"?
10:45 — For anyone not watching, which is all of you, a warning: if someone at the watercooler starts telling Dane's "turkey club" joke tomorrow morning, punch him in the back of the head and push him out the window.
10:50 — It's been 50 minutes and he's made it through three kind-of-jokes. I don't know anything technical about comedy but I'm pretty sure people somewhere should be laughing... I'm not and the audience there isn't... are you? Let me save you the trouble of commenting. You're not.
10:57 — Not quite through kind-of-joke number four yet.
Still 10:57 — He's done? What just happened?
11:00 — OH THANK GOD THEY ARE PLAYING IT AGAIN. WE CAN DO THIS ALL OVER AGAIN.