1:10: High heat from Papelbon ends the game. Final score: Red Sox 6 Yankees 4. This took so much fucking longer than I had anticipated, but it is what it is. Happy Cinco de Mayo to our Mexican fan base. More posts that aren't 6 hour live blogs to come soon.
1:07: Papelbon walks Swisher despite the fact he is really easy to strike out. Christopher Robinson Caruso with a chance to be a hero, Papelbon with a chance to be a douche.
1:06: This is tense, I wonder if Chamberlin's mom can offer....no, no. Not gonna do it.
1:04: Double steal, Veritek plays statuesque defense. 2nd and 3rd as Swisher hits a bomb foul.
1:02: Tex is down on strikes. Swisher House to the plate with 2 down.
1:00: The game has surged back to life. Teixiera and his 2 home runs are up with 1 out and runners on first and second.
12:54: It appears the crowd is getting on their feet for the bottom of the 9th, though they are probably just getting up to leave. Infield hit for Gardner. Oh, it was actually a gardener. The lucky member of the grounds crew won a pinch hit in a locker room poker game with third baseman Not Alex Rodriguez.
12:52: Ellsbury flies out to Damon. No reaction from the fans.
12:47: Another pitching change. Coke comes in to face Ellsbury with the bases loaded. In all seriousness, nobody in the crowd cares at all.
12:42: Pitching change. Delicious Alfredo Aceves posted 4.2 in relief. Edwar Ramirez, known for his gratitude, shows his excitement for entering the game by walking Lowell on 4 pitches.
12:38: Still no word from the phantom box on Steve Phillip's score card. For the record, it was ruled a past ball before he even started talking about it.
12:34: Orel thinks it is odd seeing live highlights from the west coast. Us crazy kids with our time zones.
12:31: Papelbon gets Molina to pop out to end the inning. The remaining fans seem more amused by a three minute thumb war between Nick Swisher and the first base umpire.
12:29: Papelbon puts runners on the corners. Most of the crowd has made their way to the museum.
12:26: Matsui goes down swinging. Jeter prevents him from committing seppuku. The crowd was mildly amused.
12:20: Still discussing aerodynamics. Matsui throws his hat in the ring, prompting the Sox to counter with Papelbon. It'll be pistols at noon.
12:17: An obligatory discussion about the amount of home runs hit in Yankee Stadium breaks out right on cue. Orel has brought it to a whole new level, brining aerodynamics to the table.
12:16: Another home run for Teixiera. The crowd was mildly amused. 6-4.
12:09: Orel is not a fan of short umpires. The same short umpire calls Pedroia out on strikes.
12:05: The announcers have given up as the game has hit a real lull. The 8th inning has been spent talking about the high ticket prices. Ellsbury steals second and takes third on a particularly awful throw from Molina.
12:03: Happy Cinco de Mayo.
11:58: 3 up 3 down, looks like the bullpen will take over. The Yankees appear to have a fascist eagle in their museum. Not quite sure what that one's about.
11:54: 3 strike outs take us to the stretch. Did I say "us?", I meant me.
11:47: Skeletor hits a shot off the left foul pole. 6-3.
11:45: J.D. Drew gets plunked. The resulting bruise could cost him his career.
11:40: Jeff Baily replaces Youkilis who is out with back soreness. Fun fact: Baily has more home runs than Ortiz.
11:36: The Marlins and Reds are in the 14th inning in Miami. At this point, they could probably have all the fans still in attendance hang out in the dug out. Assuming there were any fans there in the first place.
11:35: Not Alex Rodriguez with an impressive play at third to start a double play. To the bottom of the 6th.
11:32: I think a thinner Edgar Styles is pitching for the Yankees. They are pulling out all the stops.
11:29: Lester had cancer but now he doesn't.
11:20: Phillips suggests old man Jeter should make a move to left field. Gerardi is losing his shit over a called 3rd strike to Jeter. ESPN cuts to the Diamondback Newspapers pulling off a triple play. Gerardi is told to hit the showers. Johnny Damon hits a 2 run homer. Teixeira hits a home run to make it a one run game. Why so much? That was a loaded minute. Lost in the shuffle is Steve Phillip's score card. Nomar 4 Mattingly 3.
11:14: Berra and Zombie Dickey need to duke it out for rights to number 8. You can't just retire a number twice.
11:08: File video of BWP writer Chet Turner removing the Ortiz jersey. Good to know they left the hole as a tourist attraction. The new Yankee Stadium has its own ground zero.
11:06: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Jason Bay is actually the Angel of Death. Just look at him. I think it's a possibility.
11:05: Advantage: Pasta dish.
11:04: Some pasta dish replaced Hughes to start the 5th. He's facing J.D. Drew, though. I push.
10:59: The bottom line really doesn't do the Ankiel injury justice. "Ankeil was carted off the field in the 8th after crashing into the wall." I don't know why but I pictured him on a motorcycle when I read that.
10:57: There we have it. Congrats to everyone who had bottom of the 4th in the Lester Had Cancer pool.
10:50: Steve Phillips is apparently the Yogi Berra of the Omaha crew. Only without the baseball talent or unique personality. In other words, he sucks. Also, the Omaha crew doesn't understand us young people growing up with CDs and Jay Leno. Glory Days was heard playing in the background.
10:49: In a related story, Matt Holliday still has not touched home plate.
10:48: Alex Rodriguez would like to interrupt this live blog to announce he went 1-6 with a HR and a walk in an extended game this afternoon.
10:45: I would like to thank Jacoby Ellsbury again for providing me with a free taco a few years ago.
10:42: On a lighter note, another Double for Ortiz. Another run for the Red Sox. Another inning Phillip's score card goes unmarked. Liberals 4 Guitos 0.
10:39: Damon lands in a puddle chasing an Ellsbury line drive. Too bad the ball went into the stands, could have been an inside the park home run. I'm sure the new dimensions of the field caused Damon to slip. Speaking of falling, Rick Ankiel might seriously be injured. Used his head as a battering ram at the wall, left on a stretcher. Hope he's alright.
10:36: Phillips wants everyone to leave A-Rod alone. Good luck. Teixeira gets booed, all is well.
10:31: A-Rod can't even cheat properly.
10:27: I gotta say, that autographed ball display is pretty cool.
10:22: Lowell sends a flair to right. Sox 3 Yanks 0.
10:18: An injured old man is not a good card to have in your back pocket, just so we're clear.
10:17: Don't let him fool you. J.D. Drew is not good at the sport of baseball.
10:16: What's this? The Mets are going to be on ESPN? AND the Phillies? AND the Red Sox? A blue moon is out.
10:15: Steve Phillips explains how he thought Chamberlin was the next Clemens. By doing so, he also explains why he is no longer a GM.
10:14: Once Wang is healthy, Joba should bail his mom....wait, wait. Nope, can't go there.
10:10: Total MILF on the Kay Jewelers commercial.
10:09: End 2. 2-0 Sox.
10:06: Shoulder stiffness my ass. Dice-K (I'm not attempting to spell his name) was on the DL with a case of the sucks.
10:05: O's game went finals. Tonight, the Natty Boh will flow through the streets of Baltimore like the Chesapeake.
10:02: Yanks are starting to get to Lester. Posada smacks the first pitch into center, runners at the corners. Lester is tough, though. He beat cancer, ya know.
10:01: Orioles are on the cusp! 4 run lead with 2 outs to go. Chet is sweating bullets.
10:00: Swisher hits a sharp liner in to the stands. Someone could have gotten hurt, had any fans been in attendance.
9:57: Nolan Ryan was great, huh Orel. How much better was he than you again?
9:54: It's cool out here, he's been sitting for a while, it's raining. Moral Orel offers all these explanations for Huey Lewis and his lack of control. I propose he just sucks.
9:48: I don't bother with ESPN to check up on the Caps anymore. 90% of my friends status updates keep me well informed. Caps are winners, Lowell hits a homer, the score card remains blank. Sox 2 Yanks 0.
9:44: Every ballpark needs a butcher shop. Well done, New York. Steve Phillips' score card remains blank, as does the Yankees hit column. Lester strikes out the side. Did I mention he beat cancer?
9:39: Steve Phillips has a vision, keeps score card blank. Past ball? Wild pitch? The nation is on the edge of its seat.
9:36: Commercials on Fox and ESPN. My plan is foiled.
9:34: J.D. Drew, on loan from the DL, works a walk. By works a walk, I mean he didn't lift the bat off his shoulder.
9:31: Howard Hughes with a wild pitch. Nation 1 Empire 0.
9:30: Better late than never, let's do the damn thing.