Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Orioles Are An Unstoppable Force.

The long anticipated debut of Matt Wieters came and went without much production from Wieters himself (0/4, he's a bust). However, Luke Scott and Brad Bergesen provided enough excitement to keep the 42,704 fans at the Yard entertained.

Scott hit 2 home runs including a grand slam, driving in 5 of the O's 7 runs as the O's won 7-2. The Orioles now have a 5 game winning streak and they are a force to be reckoned with in the AL East (I'm not sure if I'm kidding about the last part).

Wieters continues his quest for his first Major League hit today against Justin Verlander. Tune in for a chance to witness O's history.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

What I learned from Google Trends

So Google, true to its oath of constantly churning out new ways to probe the colon of the web, put out Google Trends a while ago, where you can type in a search term and see a graph of its search popularity, as well as where it's most frequently searched from.  I have trolled the depths of the internet to bring you some little tidbits of knowledge that are hidden within.

—Pakistan is the hands-down worldwide leader in searches for horse fucking.

"Dung" is the great comeback story of 2008.  "Shit" was the unchallenged leader in manurial searches for a long time, but then dung charged out of nowhere and, despite a weird random drop around Valentine's Day (coincidence?!  Yep.), now sits atop the board.  Also note the bizarrely rapid increase in dung-related news stories.


"Me" trumps "Jesus."  Even on Christmas.  And especially in stupid, heatheny New Zealand.  Note the particularly selfish graphlump in December 2007.

—Every time there's a spike in "masturbation," there's a decline in "depression."  Certainly explains why Rob is so happy.


More to come.  Many more to come.

Luuuuuukkkkeeee!!

As much as I enjoy giving away the Clipped Wing Award, I really could get used to this whole winning thing. After tonight's 5-1 win, the O's find themselves in the middle of a 4 game winning streak and they have won 6 of their last 7. And with Tampa Bay's loss today, the O's are no longer in sole possession of last place in the AL East!

The greatest thing about this recent string of success is the contributions the O's are getting from their young players. Tonight's game was won by David Hernandez, who gave up 1 earned run in 5 2/3 innings while striking out 3.

The O's offensive attack was led by Luke Scott (who's swinging a hot bat ever since he was activated from the DL). Scott homered twice and drove in 4 runs. Rookie Nolan Reimold added a home run of his own to account for the other Orioles' run.

Tomorrow is the day every die hard O's fan has been waiting for. It is finally Weiters time. And excuse me while I go on a rant for a paragraph or two...

A few friends and I tried to get tickets for the O's game tomorrow and it turns out all of the cheap tickets are already sold out (which hasn't happened at Camden Yards for like 8 years). I'm willing to let it slide seeing as it is a fireworks night...

But I swear if the O's start to do well and a bunch of people start running around wearing O's hats and shirts and shit, and pretend like they have been rooting for this team all along I will go on some type of shooting spree. Being a bandwagon fan is my biggest pet peeve and if I think that you are guilty of this sin, I will equalize you.

...Back to happy land... I am excited for tomorrow and I really am starting to feel like the O's have a pretty bright future. Please don't screw it up Angelos.

Love, Chet

This post is only somewhat O's related

We haven't really been updating lately, because frankly there isn't anything to talk about. Baseball is in the awkward puberty stage of the season, there is no football, and Basketball and Hockey are in their playoffs. Just a terrible time for sports.

ESPN is staying the course, sucking off Kobe and LeBron like they have been all season. When the Conference Finals got underway, confusing commercials debuted with LeBron and Kobe puppets in a coke den or something. It was assumed the Cavs and Lakers would sweep their series and face in a ultimate showdown of destiny and marketing. Except that's not happening. The Cavs are a LeBron buzzer beater away from being swept by the Magic, and the Lakers seem destined for a Game 7 against the Nuggets.

Why is the NBA panicking? This is probably the best thing that could have happened. Hype up your game's biggest stars, then have them lose. The casual NBA fan does not watch any one of these games if the Cavs and Lakers rape their series like they were supposed to.

It's a crazy thought. Return to the basic definition of sports, in that opponents actually have a match to determine a winner rather than mandating one before the game is played, and people actually watch. Brilliant!

As for Hockey, the Stanley Marsh Finals are set. It's the Shitty Blue-Collar City Bowl Rematch: Red Wings and Penguins. Original 6 team involved for the second year in a row. 5/6 original 6 make the playoffs, the only exception my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs. Should have been a great year for hockey. Should have been. Should have been...

On the topic of "Should Have Been," we really should be updating more than Orioles recaps. We'll get on that. Or not. Nobody reads this. In any case, BWP is taking a field trip to Camden Yards tomorrow to check out St. Wieters' major league debut against Dontrelle "D-(emotional)Train(wreck)" Willis. If he has less than 6 RBI and 3 runners caught stealing, I'm expecting full scale riots. I can't wait.

Miracle At The Yard.


I don't even know what to say about today's win. I am just going to admit right now that I gave up when the O's were down 8-3. I was mentally preparing to give my boy Rich Hill the Clipped Wing Award and call it a day.

I even turned the game off and decided to go get my hair cut. On the way home from the haircut, I got a text from a friend referring to the 11th inning of the game and I quickly flipped over to the game on the radio. The Jays were up 10-8 with the O's batting in the bottom of the inning.

Markakis and Mora both singled to get on base and Luke Scott singled in a run to cut the score to 10-9. That brought rookie Nolan Reimold to the plate with a chance to be a hero. He delivered with a 3-run walk off homer.

My description doesn't really do the moment justice. It was exciting. I'm sure those faggots on MASN will make a dumb commercial about it and it will really piss me off. But until then, I will enjoy having the false hope that the O's actually have a bright future.

Tomorrow the O's open a 4 game series against the Tigers at the Yard and Friday we get some fun Wieters action. Go O's.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Wieters!? I Barely Know Her!


The O's beat the Blue Jays 7-2 tonight giving Jason Berken his first major league win. Adam Jones continued his hot start to the season with another home run and every batter in the O's lineup had at least one hit.

But none of this is as important as the news that O's GM Andy McPhail delivered before the game. The O's plan on bringing up top major league prospect Matt Wieters for their game against the Tigers on Friday.

It will be nice to add another dangerous bat to an already potent O's lineup and more importantly NO GREG ZAUN!! I haven't been this excited about the O's since Cal Ripken retired.

Let's pray that this move is the beginning of a bright future for Matt Wieters and the Orioles and more importantly that Wieters doesn't get good enough to be stolen away by the Yankees.

Memorial Day Magic.

The O's won 4-1 yesterday against the Blue Jays, defeating them for the first time this season and extending the Jays losing streak to 7 games.

Jeremy Guthrie pitched 7 innings giving up 1 earned run and striking out 4. The only newsworthy moment of the game was Brian Roberts sustaining a leg injury after he was slid into during a stolen base attempt. Roberts remained in the game for a couple of innings before leaving so I'm guessing he will be fine.

The series continues tonight as the O's are expected to call Jason Berken up from the minors to start the game. I like the idea of giving our young guys a chance to prove themselves because god knows "proven veterans" like Eaton and Hendrickson weren't getting the job done.

And that's all I have to say about that.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Memorial Day


We're off at respective BBQs today. More stuff tomorrow. People died to give me the freedom to slander whomever and whatever I want, and I'm grateful. America, FUCK YEAH.

The Baltimore Orioles: Less Entertaining Than A Reality TV Show.


I am dropping out of college and trying out for the Baltimore Orioles.

This may seem like a joke, but the O's should consider some type of reality T.V. show where 10 contestants vie for a spot in the O's bullpen. It would give some publicity to the O's organization (albeit embarrassing and laughable publicity), they could make a quick buck, and who knows, maybe they could stumble upon the next Goose Gossage or Dennis Eckersley.

I am only half serious about this idea, but after watching the O's blow countless leads in the late innings of games, I'm up for anything.

Yesterday's game was handed over to the bullpen in the 6th inning with the O's clinging to a 5-4 lead. Chris Ray allowed the first two batters in the 7th to get on base. Christian Guzman sacrificed the runners to 2nd and 3rd, and Dave Trembley opted to intentionally walk Ryan Zimmerman to get to the equally dangerous Adam Dunn.

Trembley then brought in the left-handed Jamie Walker to pitch to Dunn and I think you can guess how this one ended. Dunn slammed a belt-high fastball over the left field fence for a grand slam, handing the O's the loss 8-5 (but helping my fantasy baseball team immensely).

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for yesterday's game is... Chris Ray!

Although Jamie Walker gave up the grand slam, it was Ray who loaded the bases earlier in the inning. Ray now has a season ERA of 10.13 and I have a strange feeling that he is going to be the latest CWA winner to be sent down to the minors.

Outwit. Outlast. Outpitch.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Winning Streak!?

Before I get all excited that the O's have actually put together a winning streak, I have to remember we are playing the Nationals. We haven't even really played that well the last few days. We have just sucked a little bit less than the Nats.

Last night, the O's were only able to muster 3 hits but they still won 2-1 as their bullpen pitched very well after Koji Uehara left in the 4th inning with a leg injury (as if the pitching rotation didn't have enough injury/sucking problems already). Aubrey Huff had the game winning hit with a pinch-hit triple in the 7th inning that scored Cesar Izturis. George Sherrill pitched a perfect 9th inning, striking out the side to earn his 9th save of the season.

With the win, the O's assured themselves of a series victory and today they go for the sweep. The O's are 1-5 on Sunday's this year and 0-3 when going for the 3 game sweep. Hopefully they can go against the season trends and pull this one out.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

O's Open Up Interleague Play With Extra Innings Win.

Before we get to the game recap from last night I just wanted to make everyone aware of a move the O's made yesterday that has large BWP Clipped Wing Award implications. In order to make room for Douchey Matt Albers on the major league roster, Adam Eaton was released from the team, all but ending his chances of becoming the CWA champion.

With Eaton off the team and co-leader Mark Hendrickson out of the pitching rotation, the CWA lead is up for grabs. My money is on Peter Angelos, but it's too early to tell at this point.

Anyways, back to last night's game. My man Rich Hill pitched another great game, giving up 2 earned runs in 5 2/3 innings. Adam Jones had 3 RBIs, including the game-winning double in the top of the 12th.

Tonight the series continues as the O's send Koji to the mound against some Nationals pitcher I've never heard of. Go O's.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Another Sweep.


The O's got swept by the Yankees last night as they lost 7-4. The only silver lining in an otherwise pathetic performance was Adam Jones hitting a line drive off of Joba Chamberlain's leg, forcing him to leave the game after only 2/3 of an inning.

But in the end, it didn't really matter because the O's were subdued by the Yanks bullpen. The O's have now given up the most runs in the majors with 251.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner is.... Adam Eaton!

Eaton gave up all 7 of the Yankee runs in 4 2/3 innings of work to raise his season ERA to 8.56, and somehow he still has a spot in the rotation. Eaton is now tied with Mark Hendrickson for the CWA lead.

Today, the O's open up a series against one of the few teams that are worse than they are, the Nationals. Pay close attention to this series as both teams are in serious contention for the rights to draft Stephan Strasburg with the first overall pick in the 2009 MLB Draft.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Blazing With Phelps: Where White People and Black People Buy Furniture


Blazing With Phelps would like to congratulate our namesake, Mr. Michael Phelps. The Olympic Committee, or whatever the hell makes these kind of decisions, has decided to honor everyone's favorite stoner Olympian by making the torch look like a joint.


Also, enjoy the video.

Great State Hate Debate '09: Virginia

Ed. note: This is the twelf (twelvefth?) in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While I was busy with finals and being a bad editor, I missed: Pennsylvania, New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida, California, Nebraska, Ohio, Oklahoma, North Carolina

John lives in Virginia most of the year and loves it. Just kidding, he HATES IT!!! GREAT STATE HATE FUCKIN' DEBATE WOO!!



Ah, yes. The Prodigal Son returns. What? No, I mean Michael Vick, not me. But thanks for noticing. Vick made the cross country road trip we all dream about the day we get our license. Starting point: A prison in Kansas. Final Destination: Terrible movie Hampton, VA to serve 2 months house arrest. The Timetable: 24 hours. Best. Day. Ever.

I have the displeasure of calling Hampton, VA my birthplace, and let me tell you, it is a shit hole. They really don't need to put a tracker on Vick. He lives in the once nice house in the city; he has no reason to ever leave it. The town sucks. I've seen the Eastern Shore, and it sucks. I frequent Northern Virginia, or "NOVA" if you're a tool, and it sucks. I've walked the slums of Richmond, and that city fucking blows. Exaggeration and hyperbole aside, Roanoke is the single worst city I have ever stepped foot in. I go to Virginia Tech and I meet more cows than proud Virginians on campus. The icing on the cake is the fact that Virginia is one of the 4 States whose founders were large enough pricks to declare their state a Commonwealth, putting them on par with Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, and Kentucky. I fucking hate the place.

This quagmire all started when John Smith wanted to bang underage Indians so badly that he decided to take up permanent residence by founding Jamestown in 1607. Everyone pretty much starved while John Smith raw dogged some natives, and all was well and terrible for the next 15 years. Then the Indians came and beat the living shit out of everyone in Jamestown in 1622. Logic would tell the remaining assholes to cut their losses and swim back to England, but sadly, the colony remained in existence. As with most things, I blame the British.

Several founding fathers are sons of Virginia. Virginia clings to this like it means something. There were 13 colonies, and only Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Massachusetts were worth a damn. Virginia had the most tobacco and slaves, and thus naturally got some important guys. Well done, Virginia. You have been around for 400 years, and all you have to show for is it is some important births in a 50 year span, and baring the capital of the Confederacy. Score 2 for Virgina.

Even West Virginia couldn't take Regular Virginia's constant bullshit. They decided they would rather be their own terrible state in 1863. So now we are left with the Virginia of today. The flag that wraps this bag of dicks is this artful abortion:



"Sic Semper Tyrannis." This little phrase was adopted in 1861, yet is commonly associated with Booth shouting it as he killed Lincoln. Apparently they are fine with that stigma. State's rights! Death to Tyrants!*

*as long as "tyrant" refers to politicians and not the tyranny over Indians and slaves

Virgina has no pro sport franchise to call its own, as DC is not part of Virginia. As it turns out, DC used to be part of Virginia, but the Virginia section was retroceded in 1843. By default, the most popular sports team in Virginia is the Virginia Tech Hokies football team. They are great. Virginia Tech is great. Just dandy. Aside from the fact its in the middle of nowhere and is freezing 9 months of the year. Why root for the team located in the middle of nowhere? Because UVA has a gay Frenchman for a mascot, that's why.

So let's recap. Virginia has done some important things for the US, but is a shitty, God-awful place all the same. People have left it high and dry because they hated it so much. It has no sports team to call its own. And it is full of redneck's to boot. Virginia is the Brett Favre of the Union.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Virginia. Virginia sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

Technical difficulties?

Hello, friends. My name is Rob and I wrote a post comparing senior year of high school to senior year of college. How-ev-ah, Blogger is making it hard for me to post it without making us look like the two-bit hack job we really are. So just know that somewhere deep within the anals of history, there is/was a post. And you would have enjoyed it.

I'm working out the kinks as we speak. In the meantime, there's a post from John coming. Enjoy.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Clipped Wing Award Update.

Since I didn't start awarding the BWP Clipped Wing Award until the 7th loss of the season, I decided it makes sense to go back and retroactively award the CWA for the first 6 losses. So without further ado, here are the BWP CWA winners for each game, including a short description.

4/9 - Loss 11-2 to Yankees: Aubrey Huff - 0/4, 1 strikeout, 3 runners left on base

In a game where the O's gave up a lot of runs, no pitcher was bad enough to earn the award. Huff was the worst of all the hitters so he gets it.

4/12 - Loss 11-3 to Rays: Brian Bass - 3 1/3 innings pitched, 7 earned runs

Look at the stats. No explanation needed.

4/15 - Loss 19-6 (Yikes!) to Rangers: Mark Hendrickson - 3 2/3 innings pitched, 9 runs

This one was tough because only 2 of Hendrickson's runs were earned due to errors by Brian Roberts and Cesar Izturis. But I couldn't resist the opportunity to give Hendrickson another CWA.

4/17 - Loss 10-8 to Red Sox: Aubrey Huff - 1/5, 2 strikeouts, 4 runners left on base

In addition to this horrible line, Huff added an error that led to 3 unearned runs. Come on Bubba.

4/18 - Loss 6-4 to Red Sox: Adam Eaton - 4 innings pitched, 9 hits, 6 earned runs

I knew I remembered Adam Eaton having a really bad start back in April. Here it is.

4/19 - Loss 2-1 to Red Sox: Felix Pie - 0/3, 1 strikeout, 4 runners left on base

The O's pitching finally showed up and the bats disappeared. Shocking!

That should do it. I look forward to giving out about 100 of these over the rest of the season. Orioles Magic to all and to all a good night.

Double Dip Of O's Embarassment.

Sorry for neglecting to post the O's update yesterday. I was going to do it late last night, but I felt lazy. And seeing as we have almost no one who still follows this site (this has ceased to become a joke and it is most certainly a reality) I didn't think anyone would care.

But lets get back to it today.

It can not be stated enough how bad the Orioles bullpen is. I don't have any stats to back up my statement, but I guarantee they have the worst ERA in the majors.

Not that it really mattered in yesterday's game because the O's were completely dominated by C.C. Sabathia. The O's offense only mustered 3 hits and the bullpen wasted a good start by Brad Bergeson as the Yankees won 9-1.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for yesterday's game is... Chris Ray.

With 1 out in the 7th inning, Ray was brought into the game with the O's trailing 2-1 and runners on 1st and 2nd. In an awesome display of suckage, Ray gave up 4 earned runs (plus the 2 runners that were on base) while recording NO outs. I promise you that I could step onto that pitchers mound and record at least one out if I faced 5 batters. Pathetic.

Today's game was another display of ineptitude with the O's down 5-3 as the game was turned over to the bullpen in the 8th inning. The combination of Danys Baez and Jamie Walker quickly made it impossible for the O's to mount a comeback as they gave up 5 earned runs between them and the Yankees won 11-4.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for today's game is... Danys Baez.

He was responsible for 4 of the 6 runs scored in the forgettable 8th inning. Can someone please remind me how/why all of these pitchers in the bullpen make millions of dollars and still have jobs. I hope the O's just mail in the rest of the season and get the first pick in the MLB Draft. It will probably prove too challenging to stoop to the Nationals level of sucking but at least I can dream.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

You Aren't a Facebook Model, So Stop Fucking Posing!



I've started to notice a trend at parties, facebook, through my binoculars across the street from a slumber party, etc. that more and more girls are posing for pictures like they are modeling for Vogue. I think you all know what I'm talking about; that stupid shot where the bitch with the dress on so short that it makes her fallopian tubes more accessible to the human eye than her make up ridden coke face turns to the side ever so slightly (her good side of course, lol!)and puts her hand on her hip.

Why do droves and droves of whores do this might you ask? It's simple, they know their slut friend Jenny who has to take 450 pictures each time someone takes a shot of their Bacardi Razz is going to put them in an album on Facebook with a name similar to "The Times We'll Never Remember With the Friends We'll Never Forget!!! Love You girlsies, lolz!" or "BlackOut '09: We Pregame Harder Than You Party!! Whoo!." I'd rather get choked out by Shawn Merriman Tila Tequila style than see another one of these albums again.

What infuriates me the most is that ugly chicks actually think this shit works. Like, people will think you're hotter if your hand is on your hip. Either you're hot, or you're fat and ugly and there's not any amount of cloth or posing that will change this. Putting your hand on your hip in some attempt to look skinnier and sexy isn't going to hide your Krispy Kreme diet. YOU ARE STILL A FAT WHORE THAT NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH. Do us all a favor and go to College Pizza, chow down on your X-Large sausage by yourself like you do every Friday and Saturday while your hot roommates go back home with their boyfriends and eat your fat self to death.

Great State Hate Debate '09: Pennsylvania

Ed. note: This is the eleventh in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy searching for news about Dane Cook's cock and somehow ending up on our site, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida, California, Nebraska, Ohio, Oklahoma, North Carolina

In a Situation Lefty One-out Guy-esque situation, here's Nick on Pennsylvania.


I don't even have to fake this one. I hate the fuck out of this state.

How the hell do I even start to describe the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania? It's the only state in the union where the drivers all suck and the women all look like this.

It is my understanding that a lot of important stuff has happened throughout Pennsylvania's history. The signing of the Declaration of Independence; all of the stuff Ben Franklin did; someone broke the Liberty Bell; Rocky training scenes in Philly; just to name a few.

All of that shit happened a long time ago (except the Rocky training scenes, but he is fake, which some people in Philadelphia seem to forget, seeing as they built a FUCKING STATUE of him). Pennsylvania is the girl that developed early, peaked in the 5th grade, and now shes 40 years old and giving hand jobs for crack.

Speaking of hand jobs for crack, the city of Pittsburgh... don't get me started on that hellhole. A once booming city with steel mills and hard working, blue-collar Americans, Pittsburgh is now a shell of its former self. There aren't enough synonyms for the word "ugly" in the thesaurus to do the city justice so I will just sum it up with this.

Pennsylvania is known for having the highest Amish population of any state in the U.S. The Amish are sandwiched right in between Mormons and Scientologists on the weird beliefs scale but god is their food delicious.

I'm sure everyone is familiar with the show "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia". Well that show lies. It is never sunny in any part of Pennsylvania. In fact, it is cold and snowy 90% of the time and cloudy the other 10% of the time.

Pennsylvania is home to the most annoying sports fans you will find in the country. In Philly they boo at anything and everything, including their own players and in Pittsburgh they wave annoying yellow towels and have butt sex with each other. They make me sick.

I don't have anything bad to say about the food in Pennsylvania. With Pittsburgh style sandwiches from the western part of the state, Hershey in the middle of the state, and delicious cheese steaks in the eastern part of the state, you can get a great meal no matter where you go. This is probably the main reason for the obesity of their citizens.

The hicks in central and northern Pennsylvania love to hunt. In fact, most schools in the state have off on the first day of hunting season. It's good to see that the state supports children with guns. Charlton Heston would be proud.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Hey, the good writer's back!

Hooray for me! I'm the best.

It's officially summer for me, which means that I'm back to posting on the blog. We've got some fun stuff for you over the summer, starting pretty soon. So start reading again, God damnit!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

O's Pitching Strikes Again.

So maybe I was wrong in yesterday's post about the O's winning this game. I was right about Luke Hochevar pitching horribly (he lasted only 3 1/3 innings). But, what I didn't foresee was the Orioles somehow still losing even though the Royals committed 4 errors.

The O's took a quick 3-0 lead in the 3rd inning and it was all downhill from there. Starting pitcher Koji Uehara gave up 3 earned runs in the 5th and the O's were unable to retake the lead, eventually losing 7-4.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner today is... Jim Johnson!

With the O's tied up with the Royals 4-4 in the 8th inning, Johnson entered the game and upheld the Orioles bullpen time honored tradition of sucking. He gave up 3 earned runs in just 1/3 of an inning. Johnson is now tied with Mark Hendrickson for the CWA lead. It's your move Mark.

That's enough, Dane Cook.

So Dane Cook, the guy people like to say they hate right before they pay $50 to see him at the Verizon Center, has a big new special and I, not feeling like “finals” are really an important thing to be paying attention to, have decided to revive my intelligent and informed blog postings by commenting on it.  Here you go.

P.S. I know the trendy thing to do is put the most recent post at the top.  That doesn’t make any damned sense so this will be in chronological order.  Shutup, real-people bloggers.

10:04 — Okay so first question, why is he in a room by himself?  The man sold out Giants Stadiumor some shit and now he’s playing to 12 people that aren’t even clapping?

10:11 — An autobiography: “A suicide note by someone who doesn’t really want to kill himself.”  This thing is pretty boring but that was uncharacteristically pithy.

10:14 — Dane uses the phrase “by big fat cock” and some woman screeches like that’s what killed her grandmother.  I am also on a first-name basis with Dane.

10:20 — Spinning a yarn about his parents dying and him cleaning up after his father’s defecation.  I left before the punchline because Jimmy John’s showed up with a sandwich, but I’ll bet you four Turkey Toms that it wasn’t funny.

10:27 — After saying 11-year-old black kids are scary: “I’m not rascist — I’ve got a black president.”

10:28 — The shrieking woman is back — Dane said “What if I got an erection right now?” and she let one rip like her eyeballs were on fire.

10:31 — I added some hyphens to the timestamps to make this thing readable for the thousands of people now flocking to my site.  I am bored senseless by this silly man with the weird haircut.  Also why, why, WHY are you using so much damned sex talk.

10:35 — Okay he stopped.

10:39 — HE'S BACK.  HE'S BACK WITH THE FUCKING.

10:41 — Some weird bearded bastard just admitted to masturbating in his computer chair on like, freaking international television.  Thank god nobody is watching this anymore.

10:43 — Did Comedy Central just let Dane go on for like, 45 minutes about violent masturbation and then censor "Coldstone"?

10:45 — For anyone not watching, which is all of you, a warning: if someone at the watercooler starts telling Dane's "turkey club" joke tomorrow morning, punch him in the back of the head and push him out the window.

10:50 — It's been 50 minutes and he's made it through three kind-of-jokes.  I don't know anything technical about comedy but I'm pretty sure people somewhere should be laughing... I'm not and the audience there isn't... are you?  Let me save you the trouble of commenting.  You're not.

10:57 — Not quite through kind-of-joke number four yet.

Still 10:57 — He's done?  What just happened?

11:00 — OH THANK GOD THEY ARE PLAYING IT AGAIN.  WE CAN DO THIS ALL OVER AGAIN.

Rich Hill Leads O's To Victory.


I'm not going to lie. I have an unhealthy man-crush on Rich Hill. It all started when he was playing with the Cubs a couple years ago. I don't really know how the crush started but without fail, I would draft him in my fantasy baseball leagues every year. So when the O's traded for him this past off season, I was ecstatic.

After his collapse early last season and the complete loss of control of his curveball, I knew it was unlikely that Hill would be able to regain his 2007 form. But I was excited about the opportunity that Hill had to help solidify the O's rotation.

Unfortunately a Spring Training injury delayed Hill's debut until today's game, but the results were worth the wait. Hill threw 5 2/3 innings while giving up 2 ER, 7 hits, and striking out 6. More importantly, Hill only walked 2 batters and he seemed to have good command of his curveball (his best pitch).

To keep things in perspective, this was against a less than stellar Royals lineup so it's hard to get too excited yet. But, it's a step in the right direction.

The O's go for the series win tomorrow as they send Koji Uehara to the mound against Luke Hochevar (who has a sparkling 36.00 ERA this season). We may actually win this one.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

O's Pitched Into Submission By Talented Psychopath.


With just a quick glance at yesterday's pitching match-up, even the most casual baseball fan could have predicted the outcome of the game.

In one corner you had Adam Eaton, the goofy looking O's hurler, who sported an ERA just over 7.00. To say Eaton is below-average is an understatement.

In the other corner you had Zack Greinke of the Royals. Greinke has rebounded nicely after his mental breakdown during 2006 Spring Training (probably with some help from his hot-ass wife, who is pictured above) and has turned himself into a Cy Young-caliber pitcher. Coming into last night's game, Greinke had only given up 3 earned runs all season.

Needless to say, this one didn't fall in the O's favor as they lost 8-1, with the only run coming from an Aubrey Huff single.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner is... Adam Eaton.

This is a long time coming for Mr. Eaton. He sucks.

Tonight the O's and the Royals play the 3rd game of the 4 game series in Kansas City. The O's are hoping that Rich Hill, who makes his season debut tonight, can bring some stability to the rotation. Unfortunately, Hill has developed some control issues over the past few years so the pitching woes will probably continue.

Preakness Ruined by Old People Who Hate Fun


Ah, it's Preakness in Baltimore. The sun is shining, every young blooded male from the Eastern Shore to Hagerstown has their own cooler filled with Natty light, poor children are running rampant around the track trying to carry said beer on stolen shopping carts, the port-o-potty's glisten with morning dew, just ready to be the arena for the most exciting 10 seconds in sports (shown below)


The absolute debauchery that ensues in the infield was a Baltimore tradition, and one much better than our other traditions of awesome aquariums and crack. Then, white people with money decided to try and make Preakness more sophisticated this year and banned all coolers and alcohol from coming into the infield. They now serve beer for $3.50 and have set up ROCKBAND competitions and NASCAR simulations,making Preakness look like fucking Dave and Busters instead of the grounds where you need to continuously look over your shoulder to see if a full beer is whizing at your head.

If playing "More Than a Feeling" on a plastic guitar or pretending to drive like Dale Earnhardt (I guess you'd lose if you drove like him, too soon?) doesn't strike your fancy as dick loving fun, maybe the chance to see the corpses of ZZ Top play for 60 bucks does. Now don't get me wrong, "Sharp Dressed Man" has been my go to song to get ready for dates for a couple years now, but paying $60 to watch them is almost as big of a crime as pretending that the under card of BuckCherry is actually entertainment.


It really sickens me to think about how Charm City's little horse racing gem is being twiddled down to some video games, over priced beer, and shitty music. Now, that I think of it, they have made Preakness into a bowling alley. I'm going to go make a Black Eyed Susan, and cry my little eyes out. For shame Preakness, for shame. I'll leave you my favorite Preakness video of all time.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Kelly Washington is Going to be a Raven



Pending a physical, the Ravens are going to sign Kelly Washington to a one year deal. The former third round pick beat out fat and out of shape Jerry Porter, and some jizz tonsil named after shitty cola, Tab Perry at a "tryout" during mini-camp. I think he has some potential and I'm solely basing that on this touchdown celebration

If the man can move like that, I'm pretty sure he can burn Jonathan Joseph and Leon Hall. Some other news in Baltimore sports:

1. Fuck you

2. Im bitter that I may have seen the best years of Maryland sports when I was twelve when the Terps won the basketball national championship, the Ravens won the Super Bowl, and I had enough to cheer about that I didn't care that Albert Bell was still the Orioles top paid player four years after retirement.

3. We have a kicking competition between Steve Hauschka and Florida State rookie Graham Gano (IT'S ON!). My prediction is that Hauschka starts losing the job and Nancy Kerrigan's the shit out of Gano. Nothing says scandal like a kicking sabatoge.

4. Kenny Chesney is playing in Baltimore next Friday. Although not sports related what-so-ever, I'm going and wanted you to know that while you're sitting on your computers in a week furiously refreshing this site with no new content that I will be singing about a dog named Bocephus who lived in the front yard, liked sleeping out on top of the car, that he drank beer out of a mason jar, and most importantly that he climbed up on everyone's bed. Life's good when you're writing for the most famous website that combines Baltimore sports, AIDS, and a sprinkle of talented Jewish writer from College Park.

5. The Orioles have the worst bullpen in the history of baseball. I have no statistical backing for this, but I do have hundreds of cans of Natty Boh lying around that defend that comment quite well.

6. Joe Flacco is looking good as tits during mandatory mini camps. If you ask how good tits look, then you sir are not living a life worth living.

7. The Orioles have a new ad campaign that tries to put our franchise into a good light, which is like trying to paint Hitler's campaign to look like a Humanitarian Project. My favorite one is where there is some doofus kid who brags about some two game "sweep" we had against the Red Sox last year. my favorite quote is when the virgin goes "and we sent Red Sox nation back to Boston silent." Oh yeah buddy, we really got them. I'm sure all the Sox fans were really wishing to trade spots with us. I mean it's not like they have two world series this decade, were approximately 350 games ahead of us in the standings at the time, and have pitching that makes our staff look like the Juggs batting practice machine, but yeah shit head, we really showed them. I need a drink.

Holy Markakis! The O's Take The First Game From The Royals.


The O's bats came alive yesterday (well everyone's except Greg Zaun; WE WANT WIETERS!!) as they beat the Royals 9-5 in the first game of a 10 game road trip. This is great news because wins are hard to come by on the road for the O's.

Cesar Izturis and Nick Markakis led the O's offensive attack with 3 RBIs each and Jeremy Guthrie pitched well enough to get the win.

With all of the injuries and piss poor play from most of our pitchers, wins like this are going to be few and far between, so enjoy this one O's fans.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

The O's Bullpen Is Embarassing.


The O's lost last night 8-6 as their bullpen gave up 4 runs in the 9th which put the game away for good. The O's then scored 4 runs in the bottom half of the inning to make the score look respectable.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner is... Bob McCrory!

Who is Bob McCrory, you ask? He is the guy that gave up the 4 runs in the 9th inning. Immediately following the game he was sent down to the minors (once again this isn't a joke; this seems to be a common theme).

How hard is it to find pitchers that can get guys out? I've been watching the O's since I was young and I can't remember us ever having a bullpen this bad. The key to winning is defense and pitching. We are screwed.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Adam Jones Leads the O's To Victory.

Mark Hendrickson did his darnedest to earn his 3rd BWP Clipped Wing Award by giving up 5 ER in 2 innings, but the O's offense bailed him out by scoring 7 runs in the first 3 innings. The bullpen held the Rays scoreless for 7 innings and the O's won 7-5.

Adam Jones hit 2 homers and had 4 RBIs to lead the O's offensive attack against Andy Sonnanstine, who somehow found a way to pitch worse than Hendrickson.

The O's once again go for the cheap ass 2 game series sweep tonight as they send Brad Bergeson to the mound against Jeff Niemann. If the O's win, they will pass the Rays in the standings and will officially be out of last place in the AL East.

Go O's! Orioles Magic! and all that crap.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

In Case Of Favre Emergency Survival Guide

When we last left our hero, Favre was txt flrtng with the Vikings. The Vikings are still interested in Favre, despite his hard to get approach. Minnesota fans are acting accordingly: by losing their shit. In the event of Brett Favre possibly signing with your team:

1. Drive. Just keep driving. No matter how drunk you are or how far your baby flies from the car. Just keep going.

2. Riot. No matter how pointless, fight anyone and anything you see.

3. Arm yourself. If other fans of your team support the move, take action.

4. Pot. Get stoned and just wait it out.

Minnesotans. Trust in Sage Rosenfels and do not let this asshole come back in to the league. If your state falls in to decadence and immorality usually reserved for Sodom and Gomorrah, perhaps the Bible-Belter will be content with hanging out at high schools. Favre keeps getting older, but them high school receivers stay the same age.

Favre has openly said he wants to come back only to he Vikings to enact some sort of revenge on the Packers. I don't see how throwing a few picks is considered revenge, but whatever. What more do you want out of the Vikings? Last years team made it to the playoffs and folded. What better can you hope for with Favre?

Monday, May 11, 2009

The O's Didn't Lose Tonight.

That's because they didn't play. BOOM!

And that's my recap for the day. Tomorrow the O's open a 2 game series against the Rays and more importantly Mark Hendrickson goes for his record 3rd BWP Clipped Wing Award. Can he do it? Tune in tomorrow to find out!

Aubrey Huff Fist Pump Does Not Fire Up The O's.


The Orioles lost 5-3 to the Yankees this afternoon, putting them at 13-19 overall on the season.

The only highlight for the O's in today's game occurred in the 1st inning when Aubrey Huff hit a 3 run HR off of Joba Chamberlain. As Huff rounded 1st base, and again when he crossed home plate, he mocked Chamberlain's signature fist pump. I can't blame Huff for doing it. Playing for the O's all season has to get pretty boring and miserable so the players have to find some way to spice it up.

Today's BWP Clipped Wing Award winner is... Jim Johnson!

This one was pretty easy and doesn't require much of an explanation. Johnson gave up the game winning 3 run HR to Johnny Damon in the 7th. The O's bullpen sucks.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Your Sunday Mother's Day post.

Hey internet friends.

This week is my personal hell in terms of finals, so you're going to be hearing absolutely nothing coming out of College Park until about the 20th. The site is going to be lorded over by the questionably straight tandem of John and Nick, as it pretty much has been as of late. Their callused, syphilis-infested hands will surely take good care of BWP.

Anyways, today is Mother's Day. (Mothers' Day? Mothers's Day?) You should go call your mother and tell her you love her. If there's anything I've learned from mine, it's that there is absolutely no one on this planet that will put up with as much of your stupid bullshit as your mother. There is not a one person that will listen to all the stupid crap you have to say and still care about you. Not one.*

Case in point: Since last mothers' day, I started writing a column for 20,000 people on a semi-weekly basis where I advocated smoking weed and drinking underage, and openly came out and said I'm not learning anything. And I helped establish a web site where we make AIDS jokes and I say mean things about people based on the state they live in. Through all of that, my mother not only supports me but is somehow entertained by me. And even proud of me. You will never, ever find the type of dedication your mother is willing to give to you. In short, you fucking owe your mom. Big time.

At least I owe mine. So for the literally tens of you who read this, you should know that without my mom I'd be a shell of the successful, charming, handsome man who fills your life with such glee when open a crisp Diamondback and see my column. My mother is a beautiful woman and a wonderful person and she's much, much better than your mother.

So I'll see you all in about a week and a half. Summer will be an EXPLOSIVE time for Blazing With Phelps and I hope you'll come along for the journey. Yeah, I'll end this corny: I do know that no matter what, I'll have one die-hard fan. Thanks mom, I love you.

O's Win, Still Have No Fans.

The O's beat the Evil Empire tonight 12-5 in front of a less than capacity crowd at the Yard. Phil Hughes got his shit rocked by almost everyone in the O's lineup (including Lou Montanez surprisingly) in an embarrassing performance that will most certainly result in him getting sent down to the minors.

Adam Eaton got another win, while raising his ERA to 7.18. If this were any other team, Eaton would have been cut by now, but as you all know by now, we have a pitching problem.

The O's go for the series win tomorrow as Koji Uehara goes up against Joba Chamberlain in a classic East vs. West match up. The Hunan Hurler vs. The Nebraskan Nightmare. Who will win? Tune in tomorrow to find out!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Dear Bruce Springsteen, You're A Douche.


Yesterday I was lucky enough (or so I thought) to buy two tickets to see Bruce Springsteen at the Bryce Jordan Center at Penn State. The tickets were originally $100 apiece and I bought them for $20 each. I was happy with the deal I got and we even managed to score two wristbands so we could stand on the floor level.

I am not the biggest Springsteen fan. I like some of his hits, but I'm not a diehard like most of the people that were there.

But let's cut to the chase. Bruce played for about 2 hours nonstop before the encore and I didn't recognize most of the songs he played. I was still enjoying myself, however, because he is a very good entertainer and most of his music wasn't bad. Plus, I just figured he was setting up for an awesome encore with all of his hits.

I was wrong. He played a nearly 45 minute long encore, while managing to only play one or two of his hits (none of which were my favorites). He even played a couple songs that weren't even originally sung by him.

After all was said and done, he hadn't played "Glory Days" or "Born in the U.S.A.", arguably two of his most popular songs and songs I figured he would definitely perform. My friend Mark and I were shocked. As soon as Springsteen and the E Street Band (his crew of 50 and older men and women who think they are still hip and relevant) left the stage, we stood there for a couple minutes expecting them to come back onto the stage and say "just kidding" or something along those lines.

That never happened. Luckily I had only spent $20 on the concert so I didn't waste too much money, but if I had spent full price I would have rioted.

Someone told me after the concert that Bruce doesn't like to play his older hits and he likes to keep it fresh by playing stuff from his new CDs. And my response to that is, fuck you Bruce. How do you think you got popular? It sure as shit wasn't with all of your new crap. How are you going to charge your fans 100 bucks a pop, and then deny them the opportunity to hear your most popular songs live?

I guess he figures that it's worth the large amount of money to see him sweat for 3 hours while he and his band fight off heat exhaustion and heart failure, which I do have to say was rather impressive. More than once I thought I saw Bruce clutching his heart and looking like he was in immense pain. But by god, that old piece of shit lived. It would have been cool to see his last show ever (the only silver lining in an otherwise disappointing concert), but alas it was not to be.

But, let this serve as a warning to any of you that want to see "The Boss" in concert. It's entertaining to watch him struggle to survive for three hours (it kind of reminds me of a bad reality show) but expect to hear a lot of liberal propaganda and none of your favorite songs.

Double O's Recap.


Sorry for my display of negligence over the last couple days. I really have no excuse. Just laziness and a waning interest in the Orioles.

The O's won on Thursday night against the Twins to complete the sweep (although it was a two game series so I'm not counting it). Once again I didn't see the the game but I'm assuming our players did better than their players or else we just got lucky. Who cares.

Tonight, the O's opened up their weekend series against the Yankees in exciting fashion with a 4-0 loss in which they could only muster 5 base runners all game. C.C. Sabathia pitched all 9 innings and A-Rod blasted a 3 run homer on his first pitch back from steroids. The only way the outcome could have been more upsetting is if Mark Teixiera jumped into the stands and raped poor, innocent children. Instead he just struck out a bunch of times, so maybe that's a silver lining.

Tonights BWP Clipped Wing Award winner is... Peter Angelos!!

This one doesn't need an explanation but I'll give one anyways. Fuck you Peter Angelos. Fuck you right in your stupid, ugly face. I remember back in elementary school when everyone was psyched about Opening Day. All of the teachers would give no homework and we would sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" during the opening announcements. Everyone was proud to root for the O's and had fun doing it.

I'm obviously not in elementary school anymore, but I can guarentee you this shit doesn't happen anymore. I blame Peter Angelos for the huge amount of young kids in Maryland choosing lacrosse over baseball. I blame Peter Angelos for running the O's into the ground. And most of all I blame Peter Angelos for making it painful to watch Baltimore baseball.

I don't care how this whole Clipped Wing Award things ends up, Angelos deserves to win it. What a worthless fuck.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Manny Just Couldn't Get His Dick Up




It turns out that Manny may have not been using the drugs that got him the 50 game suspension for baseball purposes, but to help him go through the delicious Latina tail that flock the greater LA area


LOS ANGELES – A source close to Manny Ramirez(notes) said Thursday that the illegal substance for which the Los Angeles Dodgers slugger tested positive was not “an agent customarily used for performance enhancing.”

At least not on the baseball diamond. The source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the drug was prescribed to address Ramirez’s erectile dysfunction.

However, two sources said the substance Ramirez tested positive for was a gonadotropin. Major League baseball’s list of banned substances includes the gonadotropins LH and HCG, which are most commonly used by women as fertility drugs. They also can be used to trigger testosterone production. Testosterone is depleted by steroid use, and low testosterone can cause erectile dysfunction.

“Testosterone and similar drugs are effective for erectile dysfunction in that they jazz up your sex drive,” said Charles Yesalis, a professor at Penn State who has testified before Congress on issues of performance-enhancing drugs. “But far more clinicians accept that affect with Viagra and Cialis. It’s hard for me to understand if it was erectile dysfunction why they would use it.”



I'm willing to give Manny a break on this one. I mean, the man has been in Boston for eight or so years where women are forced to wear 16 layers of clothing just to prevent frost bite on their nipples, then winds up in LA where girls are less dressed than Tommy Pickles, so we gotta assume that there may be an increase in his use of his other baseball bat (ho ho ho, early Christmas gift on that joke).

So the man is having a slump with his erection and goes to a doctor to correct this, and mind you Manny may not be the smartest human being in a room at Hellen Keller's School for the Deaf, Dumb, and Blind, let alone to put two and two together that an erection medicine given to him by a doctor not associated with the team could possibly be on the banned substance list. He had other things on this mind, like going balls deep on the cast of The Hills.

All I'm saying is, let's see all the facts before we take his future Hall of Fame Status away. By the way, what kind of friend tells the nation that your dick doesn't work? If one of my friends told reporters I had received Cialis I would beat the shit out of him. There are some things that should be kept between friends, and penis medicine is always one of them.

Manny Ruins Baseball, Razes Los Angeles, A-Rod Somehow Involved

Manny Ramirez was given a 50 game vacation by the MLB today for a "non analytical positive" for documents linking him to a banned substance. Scott Boras' master plan is almost complete.

I'm a little confused about this. I assumed Major League Baseball knew Manny was juicing and was letting him play anyway, kind of like when the special kid would run to third instead of first in tee ball. Manny is admitting the use, claiming he took a prescription drug he didn't know was on the banned list. Thats tough to justify, but then again most of what Manny does is hard to justify. BWP Medical Specialist Sage Rosenfels has obtained a photo of the prescription in question.

Manny's legacy is now tainted, or something. I find that hard to believe. Was Manny on the needle and did this augment his stats? Debatable. But would he have taken a piss in the Green Monster and listen to his iPod in the outfield regardless of steroid use? Absolutely.

It's worth noting that Manny, like A-Rod, is a client of MLB agent and doucher Scott Boras. It's the bait and switch. I'm starting to think Scott Boras is the architect behind the steroids and AIDS conspiracy I've been floating around. Only time will tell, but no matter how this plays out, Boras and Rodriguez are defiantly knocking boots.

The O's Slip The Umpires A Few Bucks, Get A Cheap Win.


The O's caught a lucky break Wednesday night when heavy rain caused their game to be called in the 6th inning while they were leading 4-1. Any good O's fan knows that their bullpen would have most assuredly blown the lead in the later innings if it were not for their good fortune.

I once again didn't get to see any of the game, but I'm venturing a guess that after the 3rd rain delay there were about 100 fans left in attendance and all of them were either drunk or stupid. I have a hard time getting excited to watch the Orioles play when the weather is nice, let along when it is in the mid 50's and raining.

The series continues tomorrow as the O's go for the exciting 2 game sweep. Judging by the forecasts, they won't have the weather to bail them out for this game, so expect a loss.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Oprah Loves KFC, Hates Common Sense

http://www.unthinkfc.com/

This is a link to a site that allows you print out a coupon good for 2 pieces of chicken, 2 sides, and a biscuit at KFC. For Free. Courtesy of Oprah Winfrey. The coupon must be printed by midnight tonight and can be redeemed until May 19, 2009.

In short, Oprah is trying to feed everyone in the world fried chicken. It's good to see M.C. Hammer's financial adviser has found a new client.

If you're a fan of bad food and explosive diarrhea, your day in the sun has finally come. For further reading on chickens and their effect on society, enjoy the thesis proposed by Cowboys tight End Martellus Bennet in the Cowboys Insider blog, seen here.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The O's Want To Wish Their Fans a Happy Stinko de Mayo.

Excuse the bad pun, but the Orioles aren't good. At this point I can't find anything to be excited about except for maybe the top half of the batting order. Take for instance this play from the 1st inning of today's game:

C Crawford stole second, C Crawford safe at third on throwing error by catcher G Zaun , C Crawford scored on throwing error by center fielder A Jones.

Now, I didn't get a chance to see the game today because I was studying, but I can't even imagine how ugly that play was. I can only imagine Carl Crawford circling the bases with ease as he laughs at the O's incompetence.

It only went downhill from there as the O's committed another error in the game and lost 6-3, with only 3 of the runs given up by Koji Uehara being earned runs.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner today is... Melvin Mora.

More like Smelvin Mora. He went 0/4 with a strikeout and he committed an error that led to 2 unearned runs.

The O's open up a 2 game series at home against Minnesota tomorrow. If there are more than 4,000 people at the Yard I will be shocked.

Happy Cinco de Mayo...Except Not For These Guys

From channelnewsasia.com

"BEIJING: Mexican diplomats complained bitterly to China on Sunday saying about 70 of their countrymen had been placed under quarantine despite showing no signs of H1N1 flu."

China, why so much?

While celebrating a military victory of a country other than your own tonight, be sure to pour out some Corona for your countrymen-for-a-day.

The Vikings Can't Stop Collecting Terrible Quarterbacks: Jackpot


Brett Favre, everybody. Shown here entering the second chorus of his rendition of "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts during a 2008 press conference.

Oh Please. Oh Please. Please let this happen. It can count as my birthday AND Christmas present this year.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Even A Blind Squirrel Finds A Nut Every Once In Awhile.



Raise the keg and celebrate. It's Cinco de Mayo and the O's finally won.

First of all, I want to say good job to John for putting together a ridiculously long live blog of the baseball game tonight and the 2 hour rain delay that preceded it. My guess is he won't be volunteering to do a live blog again anytime soon.

But back to the task at hand. The O's ended their skid today with an 8-4 win over the Rays of Tampa. Brian Roberts and Nick Markakis did what they are paid to do and each hit a home run to lead the O's offense, while Adam Eaton turned in another decent pitching performance (maybe I was wrong about him... on second thought, probably not).

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner today is.... oh wait, we won!? Sorry, it's been awhile.

The O's go for the sweep tomorrow, which begs the question can you even sweep a two game series? Oh well, us O's fans have to enjoy the small victories in life. Have a good Cinco de Mayo everyone and have some beer/tequila/whatever you are drinking, for me because I will be spending all day studying for my Wednesday exam. Enjoy.

Boston @ New York

1:10: High heat from Papelbon ends the game. Final score: Red Sox 6 Yankees 4. This took so much fucking longer than I had anticipated, but it is what it is. Happy Cinco de Mayo to our Mexican fan base. More posts that aren't 6 hour live blogs to come soon.

1:07: Papelbon walks Swisher despite the fact he is really easy to strike out. Christopher Robinson Caruso with a chance to be a hero, Papelbon with a chance to be a douche.

1:06: This is tense, I wonder if Chamberlin's mom can offer....no, no. Not gonna do it.

1:04: Double steal, Veritek plays statuesque defense. 2nd and 3rd as Swisher hits a bomb foul.

1:02: Tex is down on strikes. Swisher House to the plate with 2 down.

1:00: The game has surged back to life. Teixiera and his 2 home runs are up with 1 out and runners on first and second.

12:54: It appears the crowd is getting on their feet for the bottom of the 9th, though they are probably just getting up to leave. Infield hit for Gardner. Oh, it was actually a gardener. The lucky member of the grounds crew won a pinch hit in a locker room poker game with third baseman Not Alex Rodriguez.

12:52: Ellsbury flies out to Damon. No reaction from the fans.

12:47: Another pitching change. Coke comes in to face Ellsbury with the bases loaded. In all seriousness, nobody in the crowd cares at all.

12:42: Pitching change. Delicious Alfredo Aceves posted 4.2 in relief. Edwar Ramirez, known for his gratitude, shows his excitement for entering the game by walking Lowell on 4 pitches.

12:38: Still no word from the phantom box on Steve Phillip's score card. For the record, it was ruled a past ball before he even started talking about it.

12:34: Orel thinks it is odd seeing live highlights from the west coast. Us crazy kids with our time zones.

12:31: Papelbon gets Molina to pop out to end the inning. The remaining fans seem more amused by a three minute thumb war between Nick Swisher and the first base umpire.

12:29: Papelbon puts runners on the corners. Most of the crowd has made their way to the museum.

12:26: Matsui goes down swinging. Jeter prevents him from committing seppuku. The crowd was mildly amused.

12:20: Still discussing aerodynamics. Matsui throws his hat in the ring, prompting the Sox to counter with Papelbon. It'll be pistols at noon.

12:17: An obligatory discussion about the amount of home runs hit in Yankee Stadium breaks out right on cue. Orel has brought it to a whole new level, brining aerodynamics to the table.

12:16: Another home run for Teixiera. The crowd was mildly amused. 6-4.

12:09: Orel is not a fan of short umpires. The same short umpire calls Pedroia out on strikes.

12:05: The announcers have given up as the game has hit a real lull. The 8th inning has been spent talking about the high ticket prices. Ellsbury steals second and takes third on a particularly awful throw from Molina.

12:03: Happy Cinco de Mayo.

11:58: 3 up 3 down, looks like the bullpen will take over. The Yankees appear to have a fascist eagle in their museum. Not quite sure what that one's about.

11:54: 3 strike outs take us to the stretch. Did I say "us?", I meant me.

11:47: Skeletor hits a shot off the left foul pole. 6-3.

11:45: J.D. Drew gets plunked. The resulting bruise could cost him his career.

11:40: Jeff Baily replaces Youkilis who is out with back soreness. Fun fact: Baily has more home runs than Ortiz.

11:36: The Marlins and Reds are in the 14th inning in Miami. At this point, they could probably have all the fans still in attendance hang out in the dug out. Assuming there were any fans there in the first place.

11:35: Not Alex Rodriguez with an impressive play at third to start a double play. To the bottom of the 6th.

11:32: I think a thinner Edgar Styles is pitching for the Yankees. They are pulling out all the stops.

11:29: Lester had cancer but now he doesn't.

11:20: Phillips suggests old man Jeter should make a move to left field. Gerardi is losing his shit over a called 3rd strike to Jeter. ESPN cuts to the Diamondback Newspapers pulling off a triple play. Gerardi is told to hit the showers. Johnny Damon hits a 2 run homer. Teixeira hits a home run to make it a one run game. Why so much? That was a loaded minute. Lost in the shuffle is Steve Phillip's score card. Nomar 4 Mattingly 3.

11:14: Berra and Zombie Dickey need to duke it out for rights to number 8. You can't just retire a number twice.

11:08: File video of BWP writer Chet Turner removing the Ortiz jersey. Good to know they left the hole as a tourist attraction. The new Yankee Stadium has its own ground zero.

11:06: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Jason Bay is actually the Angel of Death. Just look at him. I think it's a possibility.

11:05: Advantage: Pasta dish.

11:04: Some pasta dish replaced Hughes to start the 5th. He's facing J.D. Drew, though. I push.

10:59: The bottom line really doesn't do the Ankiel injury justice. "Ankeil was carted off the field in the 8th after crashing into the wall." I don't know why but I pictured him on a motorcycle when I read that.

10:57: There we have it. Congrats to everyone who had bottom of the 4th in the Lester Had Cancer pool.

10:50: Steve Phillips is apparently the Yogi Berra of the Omaha crew. Only without the baseball talent or unique personality. In other words, he sucks. Also, the Omaha crew doesn't understand us young people growing up with CDs and Jay Leno. Glory Days was heard playing in the background.

10:49: In a related story, Matt Holliday still has not touched home plate.

10:48: Alex Rodriguez would like to interrupt this live blog to announce he went 1-6 with a HR and a walk in an extended game this afternoon.

10:45: I would like to thank Jacoby Ellsbury again for providing me with a free taco a few years ago.

10:42: On a lighter note, another Double for Ortiz. Another run for the Red Sox. Another inning Phillip's score card goes unmarked. Liberals 4 Guitos 0.

10:39: Damon lands in a puddle chasing an Ellsbury line drive. Too bad the ball went into the stands, could have been an inside the park home run. I'm sure the new dimensions of the field caused Damon to slip. Speaking of falling, Rick Ankiel might seriously be injured. Used his head as a battering ram at the wall, left on a stretcher. Hope he's alright.

10:36: Phillips wants everyone to leave A-Rod alone. Good luck. Teixeira gets booed, all is well.

10:31: A-Rod can't even cheat properly.

10:27: I gotta say, that autographed ball display is pretty cool.

10:22: Lowell sends a flair to right. Sox 3 Yanks 0.

10:18: An injured old man is not a good card to have in your back pocket, just so we're clear.

10:17: Don't let him fool you. J.D. Drew is not good at the sport of baseball.

10:16: What's this? The Mets are going to be on ESPN? AND the Phillies? AND the Red Sox? A blue moon is out.

10:15: Steve Phillips explains how he thought Chamberlin was the next Clemens. By doing so, he also explains why he is no longer a GM.

10:14: Once Wang is healthy, Joba should bail his mom....wait, wait. Nope, can't go there.

10:10: Total MILF on the Kay Jewelers commercial.

10:09: End 2. 2-0 Sox.

10:06: Shoulder stiffness my ass. Dice-K (I'm not attempting to spell his name) was on the DL with a case of the sucks.

10:05: O's game went finals. Tonight, the Natty Boh will flow through the streets of Baltimore like the Chesapeake.

10:02: Yanks are starting to get to Lester. Posada smacks the first pitch into center, runners at the corners. Lester is tough, though. He beat cancer, ya know.

10:01: Orioles are on the cusp! 4 run lead with 2 outs to go. Chet is sweating bullets.

10:00: Swisher hits a sharp liner in to the stands. Someone could have gotten hurt, had any fans been in attendance.

9:57: Nolan Ryan was great, huh Orel. How much better was he than you again?

9:54: It's cool out here, he's been sitting for a while, it's raining. Moral Orel offers all these explanations for Huey Lewis and his lack of control. I propose he just sucks.

9:48: I don't bother with ESPN to check up on the Caps anymore. 90% of my friends status updates keep me well informed. Caps are winners, Lowell hits a homer, the score card remains blank. Sox 2 Yanks 0.

9:44: Every ballpark needs a butcher shop. Well done, New York. Steve Phillips' score card remains blank, as does the Yankees hit column. Lester strikes out the side. Did I mention he beat cancer?

9:39: Steve Phillips has a vision, keeps score card blank. Past ball? Wild pitch? The nation is on the edge of its seat.

9:36: Commercials on Fox and ESPN. My plan is foiled.

9:34: J.D. Drew, on loan from the DL, works a walk. By works a walk, I mean he didn't lift the bat off his shoulder.

9:31: Howard Hughes with a wild pitch. Nation 1 Empire 0.

9:30: Better late than never, let's do the damn thing.

Boston @ New York Rain Delay

9:27: Alright, it's go time. I'm in it for the long haul. I've managed to keep this going waiting for the game to start, might as well do what I set out to do in the first place. So ends the Rain Delay live blog. Thanks to Chet for sticking it out. The players: Red Sox and Yankees, with occasional Jack Bauer during commercials. Investors: possibly you!

9:19: Note: Robert Tippet sounds nothing like a dog breed.

9:17: This is bullshit. I wait around for 2 hours, and all of a sudden everything is awesome all at once. First pitch coming, Caps game is tied, and 24 is on. I'm very envious of Rob and his 3 TV living room set up.

9:15: "OMG ITZ R HOUSE!" Kill yourself.

9:13: When I think Hockey, I think Chipotle.

9:12: That Asian guy.

9:06: I have no idea what's going on. The Caps are in red, right?

9:02: Is that Wendy's sign supposed to be glowing? Hockey got high tech. What's next, a blue dot that follows the puck around?

8:57: I loved Ray Allen's work as Froggy in Pootie Tang.

8:52: Donnie Wahlberg looks too much like Ice-T.

8:48: Oddly enough, I'm rooting for the Magic. I just pretend Redick is Penny Hardaway and it's all good.

8:45: Scratch that last one. I jinxed the shit out of Tallet.

8:44: NBA wins by default, but Tallet and his ambiguous facial hair are working on a no-hitter.

8:43: Explosions in the Sky playing the bumps is by far the best part of the Vs. network.

8:41: Well that was....that was hockey, that's for sure.

8:35: Clusterfuck at the net. Elisha Cuthbert surprisingly not involved.

8:33: Just in time! Steckel with the equalizer before halftime intermission.

8:32: Enough of this inferior baseball. LETS GO CAPS!

8:23: Wigginton hurts his own cause by scoring a run. It's anyone's game. Taco Bell, Jack Daniels, Star Trek, Viagra. My daily thought process just played out in commercial form.

8:22: The noise the ump just made on that strike out call is the same noise Colon makes if you startle him while he's eating.

8:21: I've been trying to come up with something to say about Colon for the past two minutes, but I've got nothing. The guy is fucking huge.

8:17: That guy

8:11: Either a guy dressed up like an umpire and sat in the front row, or a member of the crew just said fuck it and posted up. Neither would suprise me. Crazy Canadians. Peter Gammons scoffs at the impressive Blue Jays pitching. "Smoke and Mirrors." Hate hate hate, hate hate hate hate.

8:09: Tallet has very indecisive facial hair.

8:08: Peter Gammons deflects A-Rod criticism by brining up the Ted Williams bat corking. Everything sucks.

8:03: The camera crew in The Bronx apparently has spent the rain delay finding the most hideous people in the stands to show during the bump. And back to more A-Rod talk. It's been almost an hour, I was getting worried.

8:00: I really doubt this game is getting played. Might have to jump ship soon. Waiting until it's official at least.

7:56: David Ross gets the chance to show off that arm the announcers were talking about. The ball bounces 4 feet in front of second. He's got a cannon, alright.

7:52: Even the ump doesn't give a fuck about this game. Shown "relaxing" at third, eating sunflower seeds. Another at-bat is ignored to critique how the ump is eating the seeds. Apparently, he isn't doing it right. Peachtree TV, don't you ever change.

7:50: None of the recipients of the Big Smile seat upgrade looks very happy at all. I think the kids might be on some kind of drugs. An entire at-bat was ignored by the announcer because he wanted to talk about cotton candy. This rain delay needs to end soon...

7:46: Beltran can't scoop up a ball in the outfield. Everything sucks right now. Especially this live blog.

7:43: Mike Cameron runs right in to the wall going after a fly ball. And a nice throw to the dug out by Castillo in the Mets game. Too bad he was aiming for first base. What the hell is going on out there today? This is exactly what happened in Space Jam.

7:31: Jon Lester will be going for the Red Sox if the game is played. He's 1-2 on the year, and 1-0 lifetime versus cancer. Phil Hughes is up for the Yankees. He beat the Tigers earlier this year. Advantage: Lester.

7:27: Two of Rob's fantasy players hit a home run at exactly the same time. There was much rejoicing.

7:25: Adam Jones makes a jumping catch running backwards at a ball that was hit right at him. Awful play, but still looked better than Upton who apparently forgot how to walk.

7:20: Felony drug chargers for Chamberlin's mom? I'm not touching that one.

7:19: Ty Wigginton claims he really likes hitting in this ball park. He shows this with two of the worst swings I have ever seen. The Clipped Wing Award is his to lose.

7:13: I stand corrected. 3 run bomb to a very empty right-center field for Markakis.

7:11: Watching the Baseball Tonight makeshift broadcast is like watching an episode of Blind Date at 2:30 am. Bonus coverage goes to the O's and Rays. Baltimore now has the pleasure of being beaten in front of a national audience.

7:08: A-Rod is putting up some Adam Dunn-esque numbers down in Clearwater. 1-6 with a "very long" Home Run. Fuck him right in the ear.

7:05: Papa John has a laser rocket arm. Who knew? The Vikings should look into this...

7:03: The game might get rained out. Oh well, maybe they'll switch over the Steve Harvey Show.

6:59: My beloved Red Sox are making their first visit to the new Yankee Stadium. Thus, a live blog. By the way, does anyone else find it weird that these financial problems started about the same time they started building this stadium? I'm just sayin.