Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Parables of Steve: Chapter I

Actual Ed. note: "Smich" decided to start a new running feature, where he writes a Blazing With Phelps version of the bible. "Smich" is an eccentric person. What follows is the beginning of the BWP Bible, the Parables of Steve.

Ed. note: The writers at Blazing With Phelps have recently received a set of freshly-excavated scrolls that comprise
The Parables of Steve, an apocryphal book of the Bible that is drawing a lot of attention because this "Steve" character, apparently the thirteenth disciple of a certain Somebody, is putting out some pretty heavy shit that hasn't been seen in 2,000 years and also happens to be written in English.

We humbly bring you his message.

The Woman On The Oxcart
So I'm totally just walking down the road in Jerusalem today with Shannon and she's just buggin' the hell outta me, man. I mean nagging me about EVERYTHING. We need a new rug for the hut, Jeremy needs a new pair of sandals for school... Come on lady I'm a goddamn fisherman I can't be buying all this stuff with the Mediterranean sucking major camel johnson this season. We gotta go without some things and she's just spend, spend, spend. Also I'm pretty sure she was hitting on the Boss as his last little party on the mount — I don't know why He insists on speaking on all these goddamn mounts anyway; we could totally just chill in somebody's living room, but He makes us traipse all the way up to a fucking mount to hear his spiel.

So anyway. Shannon is being a super-bitch at the market and I'm just trying to pick up some goddamn hooks for tomorrow's fishing trip with the boys, and then we finally just pile into the oxcart and head back to Jericho because my head is going to pop off with how nice I'm trying to be because I know how stressed Shannon gets having to clean the hut and cook up the buffalo every night and take the kids to soccer practice and everything. She insists on driving, too, so the stressin' isn't even over yet, not even close.

So we're making our way back to the hut and some goddamn carrier pigeon perches up on the cart with a note from Susan from down the street — apparently Susan's husband was out playing with the kids and wandered off and then one of those stupid kids ate a mammoth turd, so of COURSE Shannon has to start scribbling a response, all leaning on the reins and not watching the road and shit, and I'm like DUDE keep your eyes on the road but she says she's got it under control and then of goddamn course she hits some poor schlub walking down the road. Doesn't even notice. Just badum-badum-SHIT SHIT YOU JUST HIT ME and she just keeps driving. I mean I think he was okay... a priest and a Levite wandered by but some Samaritan stopped and loaded the fucker onto his stegosaurus and waddled off. Good guy, that Samaritan. Good guy.

So now the shit has really hit the fan and fucking Shannon hasn't even noticed she almost killed a guy so I give up and just let her drive home. That night we're having a team meeting over at the Boss's place and after we finish speaking in tongues and washing each other's feet I ask the Boss what he thinks about the whole thing, and I'll be damned if He doesn't just come out with the most succinct little solution to the whole thing.

"Steve. Bro," He says. "That's why you never let women drive. Women should NEVER drive."

And everybody there is all awed and shit by his holiness and wisdom and so of course we gotta do the whole divvy-up-the-parable thing. All 13 of us are writing books about what it's like to hang out with the Boss and all the good shit He says, but we don't want a lot of overlap so whenever He comes up with one of these tidbits we decide who gets to put it in his book. Eventually I think somebody is going to put all our books together to form some kind of graphic novel or something... it's probably going to suck.

So Luke and Quincy (oops, I mean "John"... he's trying out this whole pen-name thing but it's really stupid) usually get the good ones, but they don't watch to catch shit from their wives so I get to put this one in my book. So now I get to put down this whole never-let-women-drive deal into the Big Graphic Novel For The Ages and people thousands of years from now are going to be like "hold up, wifey... the Big Guy said no bitches behind the wheel," and I think I feel pretty good. I think mankind is really going to benefit from this one.

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