Saturday, April 11, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Oklahoma

Ed. note: No, I'm not dead. Sorry. This is the ninth in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy reading the other quality content on Blazing With Phelps, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida, California, Nebraska, Ohio

By request somehow, it's Oklahoma.

Oklahoma is ok-la-home to a lot of interesting people and things. This isn't true, but I wanted to use that play on words.

The name "Oklahoma" is derived from the Indian term that translates to "red people." Watch out Mississippi, you're not the only racists left! And I feel obliged to say here that that's actually true, unlike the rest of the stuff I've ever written in this series.

The most well-known trademark of the state of Oklahoma is the "Sooner," which is something no one really understands like most other stupid state trademarks. Seriously, I mean like ours is like Cal Ripken or the Chesapeake Bay. It's pretty simple what those things are. No one knows what the fuck a Sooner is.

Except for me! The term "Sooner" comes from the fact that early settlers missed out on the good states, because other people had gotten there "sooner," so they had to settle for the shithole we know today as "Red People." If only they'd arrived "sooner," then we wouldn't have to deal with a crappy state that steals basketball franchises.

There is a lot of stuff going on in the state flag of Oklahoma. A little bit too much, if you ask me. I feel like there's some kind of subliminal message in there somewhere underneath the feathers, like if you rearrange it, it spells out "Fuck Texas" or something. I don't know, Oklahoma is fucking boring.

Oklahoma's geography is beautiful, in that it looks like a pot or a bearskin hat or something. At least it doesn't look like a dick (Looking at you, Florida) or like Kansas or something (Jesus guys, really?).

Oklahoma is famous for the Dust Bowl, a 1994 football game between Oklahoma and Oklahoma State where boosters kicked up so much dust that investigators could not clearly make out all of the under-the-table handouts that were being given to athletes. It is believed that oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens gave $14 million and a car to a backup quarterback alone.

I'm sorry, I can't do this. Oklahoma isn't just the middle of nowhere, Oklahoma is nowhere. It's exceedingly average except where it's horrible, like when they stole the Sonics from Seattle. It's a shitty, boring state, populated by shitty, boring people who occasionaly get swept away by tumbleweeds. That's it. That's all that ever happens. Like Batman said, you either live as a person that stole a basketball franchise or you get old enough to see yourself get swept away by a fucking tumbleweed. Fuck Oklahoma.

Did you know that 53 percent of Oklahoma is Evangelical? At least they're not... Scientologists. I'm grasping at straws here. Let's wrap up early today.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Oklahoma. Oklahoma sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

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