Thursday, April 16, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: North Carolina

Ed. note: This is the tenth in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy reading blogs, which you see, is when you take your eyes and train them onto something and process the characters to make coherent representations in your brain and then BOOM!, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida, California, Nebraska, Ohio, Oklahoma

Whatever. North Carolina.

North mother fucking Carolina. What else can you say about the state that produced both Duke University and our friend Eric? That is, besides, "Fuck you, North Caolina. Fuck you good and hard."

North Carolina is home to football's Carolina Panthers, who are apparently too embarrassed to let everyone know which Carolina they're from. Look, when it's between South Carolina and you, and they choose to keep it ambiguous, you suck.

North Carolina has one of the most unimaginative flags in the entire country. It's like someone sat down and said, "Durhh, white. Durhhh, red. Durhhhh, blue. And we are North Carolina, so... an N and a C. Yay mommy I make the flag." The flag also contains the dates May 20, 1775 and April 12, 1776, commemorating the beginning and end dates of the relevance of North Carolina.

The Wright brothers had their famous first flight in North Carolina, which is wonderful. A hundred years later, most people have fucking moved on with their lives. North Carolina provides a journey back in time, if you will, to when air travel was a modern marvel. Seriously, guys, it happened in 1903. Do something else. Washington does this every decade, and that's a horrible state. You're like 10 times less cool than Washington. I can't even look at you.

The University of North Carolina is your defending college basketball champion, thanks in large part to this guy. Unfortunately for Tyler Hansbrough, at the next level, terms like "grit" and "hustle" and "gristle" just mean you're white. But at least there will always be the SAE frat house to jump into an inflatable pool off of!

Speaking of white people, According to Wikipedia, North Carolina is one of the most "increasingly diverse" states in the union. Which is a nice word for "racist."

When you look at the list for North Carolina on Wikipedia, one of the menu options is "Education." I clicked it, and by golly, it actually sent me to a real page! Now I don't know what to write for this paragraph because I wasn't expecting that. Uh... North Carolina... provides education for people. And not just rich white kids from around the country that go to play basketball for Duke! Like, actual people!

Wow, sorry for that last paragraph. I've written some bullshit in my time but that last one was the least true thing I've ever said.

State symbols! These are always fun. The state language of North Carolina is English. What an awesome, progressively racist declaration that is. These guys might be your leader in the clubhouse in terms of racist states. If you're scoring at home, it's a state that promotes its "increasing diversity" but wants to remind you that legally, we speak English here and we don't like your type.

All the state symbols of North Carolina are like games of musical chairs where you have as many chairs as kids. Seriously, the state red berry is a strawberry. Not the state berry, the state red berry. Can anyone guess what the state blue berry is?

I feel inclined to say that I didn't make that last part up. The state blue berry is a fucking blueberry. All their state symbols are narrowed down so far that there's only one thing that fits the criteria. The state apple is apples. The state turkey dinner with mashed potatoes and stuffing is a turkey dinner with mashed potatoes and stuffing. Fucking worthless.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of North Carolina. North Carolina sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

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