Thursday, April 30, 2009

The First 100 Days: 10 People that aren't Barack Obama

With all the talk about Obama's first 100 days in office, we should not only look at his record but also remember the first 100 days of 10 other luminaries throughout history and where they rank on the Obama scale. Because you people are worthless fuckfaces and you can't digest information unless the writer gives you some stupid arbitrary ranking system. Die. Let's start.

Barack Obama's first 100 days. Economy, partisan politics, whatever.

Arbitrary rank:Five! Five Obamas.

1. O.J. Simpson's first 100 days after his wife was murdered. Cleaned off the weapons. Forgot to dispose of the evidence. Hired Johnny Cochran. Killed Ron Goldman just for shits and giggles. Stopped hanging out with Kato. Drove around in a white Bronco. Found innocent.

Arbitrary rank: A perfect 10! You could say he got away with murder.

2. Bob Saget's first 100 days of "Full House."
Cried self to sleep. Hung out with John Stamos and Dave Coulier. Wondered if anyone knew that off-stage he was actually the dirtiest human being alive. Was the first to make inappropriate jokes about the (then months-old) Olsen twins. Was the first to molest the (then months-old) Olsen twins.

Arbitrary rank: Three Obamas. Really a mixed bag.

3. Barry Bonds' first 100 days on steroids. Started getting kind of grumpy. Hit 14,000 home runs. Decided being an elite player wasn't good enough. Cheated. Crapped on the American flag. Ripped out the hearts of former fans. Grew seven hat sizes. Lost nine jock sizes. Made everyone hate him.

Arbitrary rank: One Obama. Fuck you, Barry Bonds.

4. Chuck Norris' first 100 days after signing on with Walker, Texas Ranger. Fought ninjas. Upheld the law. Drove cars out of graves. Killed ghosts. Fucked shit up. Impregnated people. Began filming.

Arbitrary rank: 11 Obamas. Fuck yes.

5. Michael Vick's first 100 days in prison. Lifted weights. Withstood hundreds of "you're my bitch" jokes. Lifted more weights. Lamented the loss of millions and millions of dollars. Did push-ups. Played basketball. Found Jesus, probably. Lifted weights.

Arbitrary rank: Two Obamas. Tough break, dog.

6. CC Sabathia's first 100 days after signing a major league contract. Ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate.

Arbitrary rank: Fat Obama.

7. Isiah Thomas' first 100 days with the Knicks. Burned down the city of New York. Left women and children crying. Destroyed everything. Left nothing standing. Salted the earth. Ripped peoples' hearts right out of their chests like Mortal Kombat. Ruined the signature basketball franchise on Earth. Rolled around New York with his friends, Pestilence, War and Famine.

Arbitrary rank: No Obamas. May God have mercy on your soul. And good luck at FIU.

8. John Daly's first 100 days on the PGA. Ate a shit load of food. Not even food, just whatever he could get his hands on. He ate anything and everything. Besides the things he drank. Drank a lot. Drank a whole lot. Blacked out. Attacked small families. Breathed fire. Didn't know where he was. Made a fool out of himself. Also: Played golf.

Arbitrary rank: Five Obamas. The man is a professional fucking athlete.

9. Paula Abdul's first 100 days after American Idol became a hit. Vicadin. Oxycontin. Morphine. Codine. Hydrocodone. Oxycodone. Fucked contestants. Drank Coke®. Fought with Simon Cowell. Had less of an idea of where she was than John Daly. Became relevant again.

Arbitrary rank: Three fucking crazy Obamas.

10. God's first 100 days. Created the universe in six, rested on the seventh, napped for a while because he felt "sorta burnt out," took a vacay to meet up with some friends at State, answered some prayers. Had some "Me" time.

Arbitrary rank: Eight for some reason. Is that blasphemy?

So there you have it, folks. Obama's actually shaping up pretty well in the first 100 days. But now he's gotta step up his game. Those ghosts aren't gonna kill themselves.

1 comment:

  1. Funniest article of the year!