Sunday, April 26, 2009

Awesome: Part I of ∞

Ed. Note: Our friend Mike is the wordsmith of a generation. I asked him to do a guest post and the light shone down from the heavens and we got this. Enjoy it.

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for Robert Gindes to ask me to write something for Blazing with Phelps, pretty much humanity is fucking fucked. The first thing I asked myself when I was offered the gig was, "why me, Rob? Why would I write for such a stellar publication as this, when I could instead wallow in self-imposed anonymity at my own domain," The second question I asked myself was, "Hardcore or Ebony?" (I was looking at porn while asking myself question number 1) Incidentally, the answer to both questions is Ebony.

I don't fancy myself a writer. Sure, I'll sometimes take pen to paper, scribbling furious confessions of love and loss into frenzied verse and turning the muddled confusion of my mind into a dazzling parade of simile, metaphor, and litotes, but I don't fucking enjoy it that much. I'd much rather be banging bitches.

Still, as God himself once told me, "First Blazing with Phelps, then on to the pussy I felt." Did that make sense? No. Did God actually say that to me?

Yes, sometimes I like to tell a joke or two at a party, but I don't think I'm funny enough for this site. I mean, I read it everyday. It's my home page; my temple; my synagogue; my the Muslim one. Humor oozes from this site like water from Anne Sullivan's hands. Oh, I think I found the one thing that BwP doesn't have enough of: Helen Keller jokes!

The problem with Helen Keller as a subject for a joke is that she's too easy. To bang, I mean. By the time she realizes what's going on, you're already inside of her. And that, my friends, is a well-executed Helen Keller joke.

Fuck it, I'm done. I would now like to invite all the contributors here at Blazing with Phelps to suck my penis; I just wrote a piece about nothing at all. I may as well have submitted a blank word document to Rob, so it would show up on this blog as a huge, black...void. That would have been an easier way to share my love of Ebony porn with everyone.

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