Tuesday, April 14, 2009

America- 1 Somali Pirates- 0


It's been a big couple weeks for sports, a tradition unlike any other was on and some Spanish something-or-another guy won it, baseball started, March Madness concluded, etc. etc. But they were all trumped by the hostage crisis off the coast of Africa, where Somali Pirates captured Captain Richard Phillips after attempting to take an American flagged liner. It all culminated yesterday with the Navy Seals sniping three of the Somali Pirates and bringing one into custody, all while rescuing the Captain.

For some reason, there is nothing that gives a man an erection faster than a story about pirates. A pirate story makes a Marissa Miller photo shoot look like Roseanne to my penis. Pirates are about as manly as it gets, and there is no doubting this. I watched this story from start to finish and loved every boner-popping moment of it.

The only problem was that these pirates are nothing like I was hoping for. My idea of a pirate is a black-beard-looking son of a bitch on a galleon who swears, talks with a British accent, drinks rum till he pukes, and swashes buckles and hoists sails, and has booty, like this:


Instead, these pirates look like they live on the South Side of Chicago. This man does not look like he is carrying any treasure. Crack? Maybe.

Regardless, this is by far the most awesome story of the year so far, and if you don't agree, then your name is Abdullahi Yusuf Ahmed, Somalia's President and 0-1 in Pirate battles against the US. I don't think it was a surprise that the stock market got back above 8000 points the day after we won the hostage standoff. Theres nothing better for confidence than a good ol' fashion pirate ass whooping, just ask Thomas Jefferson. The man bought half of America after we kicked the crap outta some pirates. Watch out Canada, Obama's looking to ride this pirate win all the way to the bank.

Also, is there a better pick up line then this for the Seals who offed these fuckers?

Girl- "So what do you do?"
Awesome Navy Seal- "You know the Navy Seals who killed the Somali Pirates and saved American Lives? That was me."
Girl- "No, I was too busy sucking cock and watching Laguna Beach"

On second thought, I guess it's something only a guy could appreciate.

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