Thursday, April 30, 2009

The First 100 Days: 10 People that aren't Barack Obama

With all the talk about Obama's first 100 days in office, we should not only look at his record but also remember the first 100 days of 10 other luminaries throughout history and where they rank on the Obama scale. Because you people are worthless fuckfaces and you can't digest information unless the writer gives you some stupid arbitrary ranking system. Die. Let's start.

Barack Obama's first 100 days. Economy, partisan politics, whatever.

Arbitrary rank:Five! Five Obamas.


1. O.J. Simpson's first 100 days after his wife was murdered. Cleaned off the weapons. Forgot to dispose of the evidence. Hired Johnny Cochran. Killed Ron Goldman just for shits and giggles. Stopped hanging out with Kato. Drove around in a white Bronco. Found innocent.

Arbitrary rank: A perfect 10! You could say he got away with murder.


2. Bob Saget's first 100 days of "Full House."
Cried self to sleep. Hung out with John Stamos and Dave Coulier. Wondered if anyone knew that off-stage he was actually the dirtiest human being alive. Was the first to make inappropriate jokes about the (then months-old) Olsen twins. Was the first to molest the (then months-old) Olsen twins.

Arbitrary rank: Three Obamas. Really a mixed bag.


3. Barry Bonds' first 100 days on steroids. Started getting kind of grumpy. Hit 14,000 home runs. Decided being an elite player wasn't good enough. Cheated. Crapped on the American flag. Ripped out the hearts of former fans. Grew seven hat sizes. Lost nine jock sizes. Made everyone hate him.

Arbitrary rank: One Obama. Fuck you, Barry Bonds.


4. Chuck Norris' first 100 days after signing on with Walker, Texas Ranger. Fought ninjas. Upheld the law. Drove cars out of graves. Killed ghosts. Fucked shit up. Impregnated people. Began filming.

Arbitrary rank: 11 Obamas. Fuck yes.


5. Michael Vick's first 100 days in prison. Lifted weights. Withstood hundreds of "you're my bitch" jokes. Lifted more weights. Lamented the loss of millions and millions of dollars. Did push-ups. Played basketball. Found Jesus, probably. Lifted weights.

Arbitrary rank: Two Obamas. Tough break, dog.


6. CC Sabathia's first 100 days after signing a major league contract. Ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate.

Arbitrary rank: Fat Obama.


7. Isiah Thomas' first 100 days with the Knicks. Burned down the city of New York. Left women and children crying. Destroyed everything. Left nothing standing. Salted the earth. Ripped peoples' hearts right out of their chests like Mortal Kombat. Ruined the signature basketball franchise on Earth. Rolled around New York with his friends, Pestilence, War and Famine.

Arbitrary rank: No Obamas. May God have mercy on your soul. And good luck at FIU.


8. John Daly's first 100 days on the PGA. Ate a shit load of food. Not even food, just whatever he could get his hands on. He ate anything and everything. Besides the things he drank. Drank a lot. Drank a whole lot. Blacked out. Attacked small families. Breathed fire. Didn't know where he was. Made a fool out of himself. Also: Played golf.

Arbitrary rank: Five Obamas. The man is a professional fucking athlete.


9. Paula Abdul's first 100 days after American Idol became a hit. Vicadin. Oxycontin. Morphine. Codine. Hydrocodone. Oxycodone. Fucked contestants. Drank Coke®. Fought with Simon Cowell. Had less of an idea of where she was than John Daly. Became relevant again.

Arbitrary rank: Three fucking crazy Obamas.


10. God's first 100 days. Created the universe in six, rested on the seventh, napped for a while because he felt "sorta burnt out," took a vacay to meet up with some friends at State, answered some prayers. Had some "Me" time.

Arbitrary rank: Eight for some reason. Is that blasphemy?

So there you have it, folks. Obama's actually shaping up pretty well in the first 100 days. But now he's gotta step up his game. Those ghosts aren't gonna kill themselves.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Koji Uehara Has Flashbacks to WWII

The O's wasted a good pitching performance from Koji Uehara today as they lost 3-2 and got swept by the Angels. To add insult to injury (literally) Uehara got pegged in the chest by a line-drive off of the bat of Gary Matthews Jr. As Koji left the field he was heard muttering under his breath apologizes for bombing Pearl Harbor. For those of you who were concerned, Uehara walked off under his own power and only has a slight sternum bruise.

Your BWP Clipped Wing Award winner tonight is... Luke Scott. The whole O's offense was putrid today, but Mr. Scott's horrible day at the plate shined just a tad bit brighter than everyone elses. He went 0/4 with 3 strikeouts and 3 men left on base. It pains me to give Luke the CWA because I like him and his goofy antics but he definitely deserved it. Congrats Luke!

A special shout out to Jamie Walker (a BWP reader and enthusiast) for his quote about yesterday's balk incident.

"No way in hell did I balk. That was a horse shit call. I don't know if the guy's got something against me, or what. ... It's unacceptable at this level. The explanation I got was I stepped to home, and that's a horse shit explanation. I don't know if he had money betting on the game or what, but it's a horse shit call."

This statement is sure to cost him some money, but at least I enjoyed it. This kind of stuff doesn't happen enough. Anytime you can drop some bad words and question whether the umpire has been chilling in Vegas with Pete Rose, I'd say that's a good interview.

On BWP, the summer, AIDS, whatever.

Hey-lo friends. Few things.

1. My writing has been limited. This happens when you work for multiple different blogs and write columns. I'm trying to give you quality, but I've been sapped dry by writing columns every week. Luckily, the content here just keeps getting better* and better*, so you've got that.

2. I'm going to start writing again very soon. Namely as soon as the semester is over and I've got a ton more free time. Gr8St8238h23 will be going strong. And we're going to add more features.

3. The nightly Orioles recap will continue to be provided to you courtesy of Nick.

4. If you haven't already, please go ahead and join our Facebook fan page. Somehow we allegedly have 67 fans. Um... thanks?

5. AIDS.

6. Blazing With Phelps always welcomes guest blogs, if they don't fucking suck. So don't e-mail us with guest posting ideas at blogofthecentury[at]gmail.com.

7. That's about it. Go Caps.

I love you
Rob

The Vikings Can't Stop Collecting Terrible Quarterbacks

The front office of the Minnesota Vikings must have read my post about Noted BWP Supporter Sage Rosenfels. They agreed that the competition for the starting job needs a little zest. Their solution: Sean Glennon.

Sean Glennon is the quarterback Virginia Tech was stuck with before Tyrod Taylor got the hell out of the black athlete-producing shit hole (and not coincidentally my birthplace) Hampton, VA. Glennon sucks. I usually base my hatred on rumor and hearsay, but I've had the misfortune of watching this guy play for 3 years. ESPN has his career stats. He fared about as well in his 2 years as starter as his hairline. I thought the NFL learned its lesson about signing white Virginia Tech quarterbacks after the 49ers selected Jim Druckenmiller. Glennon is sure to set the record straight and prove once and for all how terrible white Virginia Tech quarterbacks really are.

The only person this move benefits is Sage Rosenfels. He will now look even better in his mediocrity by comparison. Good luck in "earning" the starting role, Sage. It's damn near impossible to screw it up now.

O's Continue to Find Fun Ways to Lose.


The O's lost tonight 7-5 to the LA Angels. Adam Eaton probably deserves the BWP Clipped Wing Award, but instead we are going to make BWP history and have our first non-player CWA winner.

Tonight's BWP CWA will be awarded to home plate umpire Angel Hernandez. In the top of the 7th with 1 out and a man on first, Jamie Walker made a nice pick-off move and caught Maicer Izturis in a run-down in between first and second. Eventually Izturis was tagged out. Unfortunately, beknownst to anyone on the field, Angel Hernandez had called a balk on Jamie Walker's pick-off attempt.

Izturis was awarded second base and the out was taken away. Now, as you can imagine, O's manager, William Shatner, was livid about the previously mentioned events and got himself ejected from the game. Anyways, Jamie Walker struck out the next batter, earning what should have been the 3rd out of the inning. Instead, there were only two. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

Chris Ray came in to face the next batter, walked him, and then gave up a 2 run double to Kendry Morales. As you can deduce from the score posted above, these 2 runs were the difference in the game and it cost the O's at least a chance to go for the win in extra innings.

So this is a big fuck you to Angel Hernandez. The O's lose enough in the first place, they don't need any help from the umpires.