Monday, March 2, 2009

What Grinds My Gears: Nicolas Cage

Ed. Note: Our alcoholic friend Mark will periodically get drunk and submit pearls of wisdom to us on Facebook, the Family Guy-referencing "Grinds My Gears." Last night he decided to up his game and submit this for BWP. Hopefully it will become a recurring feature, because if you don't find this funny, then die.

As I sit here and have another drink of this great invention called Kentucky Gentleman, and think that there is no way that I have class tomorrow because it is snowing like a Yeti’s dick outside, I am writing another episode of “Grinds My Gears.”

You know what really grinds my gears? Nicholas Cage. I mean, this guy has been around forever. His movies used to be very entertaining (good, not entertaining). He killed people in Alcatraz with Sir Sean Connery. There were also some good times when he decided to stay on an airplane full of crazy-ass convicts in the no-explanation-needed Con Air. This was the late 1990’s, when N’sync and Backstreet Boys were just hitting their prime too. It’s been awhile.

He has been in some good movies since then, but as of lately it seems like he has been coming out with a movie every couple of months, and they all fucking suck. How does this no talent ass clown keep getting jobs? He once won the best actor Oscar for Leaving Las Vegas, and now he is doing movies like Ghost Rider and Premonition. I mean, how can it be any more fucking bad? I saw Ghost Rider; I hope the producers of that movie saved a ton of money by getting the shittiest special effects department.

I happen to think he is absolutely ape shit crazy and keeps getting these roles because of who he is. I mean his former last name “Coppola”. Recently he was quoted saying “I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.” What the fucking fuck is this?

My god, I can admit that I’ve been so fucked up in my life that I wanted to be a pastrami with canola oil and sausage, but this is fucking ridiculous. The guy is absolutely crazier than a lion that wants to take a gazelle out to a nice seafood dinner then fuck the shit out of it. He obviously has no sense of reality. All I can say is that “60% of the time, it works every time.” We all know that makes no fucking sense and neither does Cage.

But you have to hand it to a guy that gets $20 million per fucking terrible movie. In the next two years he is scheduled to come out with 10 of them. That means that every two months and 12 days until 2011, we have to see his dickface on the silver screen. If I was making a movie I would spend whatever it takes to get him in my movie and make sure he is killed in the first five minutes, experiencing the most excruciating death a human being has ever experienced. Let’s hope one of those ten directors feels the same way. Tarantino, are you out there?

My God, Hollywood sucks; they give Ice Cube and Vin Diesel family films, and give 10 blockbusters in two yearsto Nicholas Cage so they‘ll bomb. If I could rochambeau (sp?) Hollywood I would win because they have no balls left. I hope everyone can enjoy Knowing, the upcoming film where Mr. Bag of Shit can stop natural disasters from happening.

But don’t worry, there are plenty more to come. He still makes more money in one movie than we will ever see in our life. This shit drives me crazy--he needs to just disappear from the fucking planet. Maybe Tarantino can make it happen.

1 comment:

  1. Nicolas Cage returns again AGAIN as Ben Gates, a now lonely treasure hunter who lost his immediate family and everyone he loved to a catastrophic event at the lovely Yosemite National Park. But is there evil involved?? Ben Gates thinks so, and thinks the remnants of the famous, and lost, Nickelodeon Agro-Crag hold the clue to figuring it out! Join award winning actor/mullet-wearer Nicolas Cage in National Treasure III: Why Am I Doing This Again? Yosemite?

    he's quite the dbag