Friday, March 6, 2009

Watchmen: A Big Blue Dick In Your Face

03.06.09. Damn she's fine.

Today is the big release of the highly anticipated film adaption of Watchmen. I'm a nerd, so needless to say I was at the midnight show last night.

Watchmen is the story of....actually, screw it. Who cares. If you've read the book, you already know what it's about. If you haven't, you'll have no idea what I'm talking about. The movie plays out in the same way.

Visually, Watchmen is typical Zach Snyder. Do you remember the Simpsons episode where Homer was making a singles video for Flanders and star-faded to every new shot? What Homer is to the star-fade, Zach Snyder is to slow motion action scene; It's so overused you start to think he's doing it to be funny and ironic. In other words, Zach Snyder sucks. If you picture 300 with less naked dudes, you have every fight scene in Watchmen. Speaking of naked dudes, Dr. Manhattan is naked the whole time. You have been warned. I guess this is an example of how closely the movie follows the book, but come on. It's really hard (hehe dick jokes lolz) to appreciate what a super intelligent...thing(guy? being? former man? What the hell is Dr. Manhattan, anyway?) has to say with a giant, wide screen, glowing blue cock in your face. Don't you hate it when that happens?

The sound track is pretty good, too. By good I mean terrible, but it works. "Flight of the Valkyries" backing a giant blue...thing killing Asians is so appropriate it seems cliche. "Hallelujah" made what would ordinarily be a pretty good sex scene so awkward that for the first time in history, an entire theater LOL'd in their pants. This feat will never be duplicated.

Watchmen is filled with tongue-in-cheek humor and inside jokes. These were treats for the fans, and they were greatly appreciated. The newcomers in the theater were easy to spot; they were the ones not laughing. They were the ones who were constantly bothering their buddy that dragged them to the midnight show by asking what was going on. They were the ones looking unimpressed as they left as their buddy angrily arguing that their judgment was unfair. In a strange way, they were the "uncool" ones for not enjoying themselves in a crowd of comic book readers. But I digress.

The thing about a graphic novel is that the pictures make the story play out like a movie in your head. The book took me about 10 hours to read, and that includes frantic backtracking to past chapters just to follow what was going on. The movie clocks in at around 2 hours and 45 minutes, and obviously does not allow for backtracking. Naturally, like any adaptation, concessions must be made. This happens all the time, and has even succeeded for other graphic novel adaptations. This one is a bit different...

The plot is faithfully followed....relatively speaking. Alan Moore, author of Watchmen, has long said his novel can not be turned into a film. Frankly, he's right, and honestly, who is anyone to question him? He wrote the thing! What Snyder did was not recreate the book to make a better movie. Rather, Snyder streamlined, or in some cases eliminated the back stories and plot-revealing monologues. He assumes that people seeing the movie will have already read the book. Do NOT assume that this is just another adaptation, because you WILL be lost.

So, if you are a fan of Watchmen, Giant blue dicks, killing Asians, or brutal rape scenes, you will not be disappointed. If you are a new comer, you may love it or hate it, but either way, you will miss the point. THE MOVIE IS A WELL DONE COMPLIMENT TO THE BOOK, NOT AN INDEPENDENT REPLACEMENT FOR READING IT.

"The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll look down and whisper "We want that internet money."

1 comment:

  1. so right when you say its not a replacement for reading the book.

    i really enjoyed it tho but i know it was just because for me i was seeing one of my favorite books played out in front of me. Not because i was watching a great movie.

    And Zach Snyder does need to calm down with the slow motion even though Watchmen wasn't as nearly as bad as 300.