Monday, March 9, 2009

Unnecessary Writings I Did: Your Ass vs. A Hole in the Ground

So here's the thing. Everyone has things they like. You have hobbies, I'm sure, like drinking if you're my friend Mark, or if you're my friend Matt, drinking. Or if you're my friend Ross, drinking. Or if you're Nick, drinking. Or if you're Eric, drinking. These are just some of the things people do.

I am a writing geek, and as such, a lot of my free time is spent writing for no particular reason. I'll often waste time writing things that had no purpose... until now!

So I present to you tales files from the crypt My Documents Folder, starting with this gem, "Your Ass vs. A Hole in the Ground." I think this came from a friend who had a whole day blocked off to write a four-page paper. I contended I could write a paper on "your ass versus a hole in the ground" in 20 minutes. So I wrote 1,000 words on "Your Ass vs. a Hole in the Ground."

That file remained unopened until now. So you should read it. Or whatever.

“Your Ass versus a Hole in the Ground: Just to Prove I can”

Perhaps the oldest test of ignorance against competency has been the proverbial question, “Can you tell your ass from a hole in the ground?” Naturally, it is assumed that many to whom this question is posed indeed could not. In the following, the argument will be made that the two entities are, while still verifiably different enough to be considered a good-enough measuring stick of coherence, there is a plethora of behind-the-scenes similarities that both indeed hold.
To begin, it must rightfully be conceded that there are certain invariable differences between your ass and a hole in the ground. Like opinions, it is said, everyone has an ass and to general knowledge, no one has truly laid claim to a particular hole in the ground as his/her own. To do so would most likely cause a person to be judged certifiably insane. However, this draws an interesting parallel in that such a person who would stake claim to a hole in the ground might well be known as a “crazy asshole,” creating the first link and foreshadowing the unbreakable bond between these two perceived foes. To tell one’s ass from a hole in the ground, as such, is to circumvent this bond and deny the similarities that lie therein. It is in this fundamental work that the use of the question for philosophical purposes truly shines.
But what is one to make of the fact that while people have asses, they do not have holes in the ground? Due to a scientific and medical breakthrough known as the colostomy bag, it is now possible for a human to have neither. This only serves to lend credibility to the argument that one’s ass and a hole in the ground may well serve the same purpose.
For instance, what would one refer to as a “manhole“: Their ass, or a hole in the ground? If they were a homosexual male or a particularly promiscuous female, the answer to this question may well be “all of the above.” This further clouds the argument for the similarity of your ass and a hole in the ground, unless one is to make the argument that all homosexual males are ignorant and thus would not be able to tell the difference anyways. This clearly certifies the argument as homophobic, which naturally goes hand-in-hand with racism.
Being that it has been proven that alleging a human that cannot tell their ass from a hole in the ground is indefensibly ignorant and racist, it seems truly in the pursuit of education that one may purposely not be able to tell their ass from a hole in the ground. As such, scholars should attempt to fall into ditches and then discuss things they do not know, because then it would not be incorrect to say that they were either talking out of their ass, or talking out of a hole in the ground.
As Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and contentious stupidity.” Being that the saying about telling one’s ass from a hole in the ground has been around since well before the time of King, and that it is one of the most well-known racially-charged clich├ęs known in modern society, it is with almost precise certainty that the projection is made that King was directly referring to this subject in his speech. A champion of civil rights, King was assassinated before he could see the world blossom into a place where no one could tell their ass from a hole in the ground, and the leaders of the free world today must work together--and watch their asses--before more generations of uneducated races find their end--ironically--in a hole in the ground.
Though it is well-documented that anyone who can tell their ass from a hole in the ground is not only racist but also homophobic, there is another underlying inalienable truth: Implied superiority. One who professes to tell his/her ass from a hole in the ground is inevitably asserting superiority over others, which represents quite clearly the sin of pride. Being that the Bible clearly outlaws this, who is to say that God himself could not tell his ass from a hole in the ground?
It is, as such, apparent to all humans who possess the tiniest bit of logic that the comparisons between your ass and a hole in the ground run as deep as roots can go and that there is far from shame in not telling the two apart; instead, there is equality, happiness, and righteousness. There is also usefulness in both: When you want to use the bathroom, aren’t you happy you have an ass? When you want to plant a tree to breed life-giving oxygen, how should you go about it without first requiring the services of a hole in the ground? Eating and breathing fundamentally depend solely on your ass and a hole in the ground. They are both the building blocks of life itself, and should be elements on the periodic table as such. Outside of science circles, no one knows the difference between periodic elements anyway, so why is this such a big deal?
It is in this manner that the two seemingly different entities combine together to make a complete farce out of science itself as a subject area. This only goes to show that not only are the two strikingly similar, but together they provide the fundamentals for existence and are more powerful than all the technological advancements any human has ever made.
In conclusion, it used to be a cruel question of intelligence to ask someone if they could tell their ass from a hole in the ground. But the next time someone comes up to me and says, “what are you, so stupid you couldn’t tell your ass from a hole in the ground?” I’ll answer, “Maybe I am.”
Maybe I am.


  1. I cannot possibly express how disgusted I am with this post, so I will use the collected works of the University of Maryland community.

    You are a toolbag. Quit your bawling and KILL YOURSELF. We don't need anymore low lifes like you in this world.

    Get a life you loser!

    does vasoline cost as much as text books? do you think that's a wise investment? enjoy sitting in your dorm room by yourself. you really showed them.

    All of your articles read like a teenaged boy pretending to be a journalist. I hope you don't plan to attempt serious writing as a career.

    What's not funny is this piece of writing.

    Go terps you big bad phonie.

    Let us know in 25 years how easy it is for you lose weight when the middle age spread hits you and your midsection like a ton of bricks.

    I would buy your argumant but I think I walked past you the other day and your not the leanest guy Ive ever seen. I think I'll take health advice from somebody else, thanks.


    This is one of the worst articles I've ever read in my entire life. Its hard to believe that writer is a journalism major. Actually with the likes of Jason Blair maybe he fits right in. Just because you don't like some of the comments posted you write a crybaby article about it?

    no one cares about your ranting about laziness.

    I hate to think this is the "quality" of students produced by the journalism department. If you want to get by with such a bland writing style, at least be clever while being concise.

  2. Rob, read this comment in what Steve Albini describes as "fake italian:"

    This is like big pile of poop. There are no happy people, just bitches. Your writing...she is like big shiny penis-shaped diamond in pile of poop. She is both ah-beautiful, and funny.

  3. anonymous really doesnt like you very much rob. Maybe he should get a life instead of reading your posts if he hates them so much.

  4. just so everyone gets it, anonymous was rich, whose idea it was to do a "best-of" the worst comments ive gotten. sorry that explaining the joke ruins it, rich. i found it funny.

  5. woops, i was just tryin to start shit for fun. sorry. it was a good idea cause i did enjoy reading the hate posts.

  6. since i'm the "friend who had a whole day blocked off to write a four-page paper," i have to point out one important thing here. i was writing a paper where i had to make sense and couldn't draw conclusions from faulty logic. actually, i think this happened while i was writing my college admissions essays, wasn't it? so anyway punk, we both know you're funny or whatever, but you're totally valid and unsound. i just want you to know, i could probably write something that long in 20 minutes too if it didn't have to make any sense. i got skills

    ps- i've still never heard anybody use an expression involving an ass and a hole in the ground

  7. im a lot smarter than you though.