Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Ticketmaster is the God damned devil.

So here I am, poor starving college kid in a bad economy, and all I want to do is go see Fall Out Boy in concert. And yeah, I like Fall Out Boy. Whatever.

Let's check out our friends at Ticketmaster!

So if you're scoring at home, that's a $36 ticket with $17.50 of charges on top of it. Fuck you, Ticketmaster. Fuck you with a tire iron. I hate you.

And it's not like you can even get around it because tickets straight from Merriweather are $63, so Ticketmaster is a "bargain." But the way they do it is by basically starting off charging you a small amount, and then stomping on your face and charging you just because.

Seriously, a $4 processing fee? Why do they need $4 to process my request? I type in that I want the ticket, send them my credit card information, and then I print it out. It costs less to "process" my order when I get food or something (Which is a $1 charge if anything). Which takes more work, making a meal for me and driving it to my apartment or doing absolutely nothing as my credit card processes through online?

And on top of that, there's the $4.75 delivery fee, which is about as morally responsible as running over a preschool and having an orgy with the corpses. Do you understand they're charging a delivery fee because I chose the option where I print the ticket out online? What delivery is involved in this? For that much money I could ship myself in a box to Ticketmaster headquarters, jump out, and punch everyone there in their puppy-kicking nazi face. Seriously, what a bunch of soulless, chickenshit scumbags. If you work for Ticketmaster, do everyone on earth a favor and take a blowtorch to your empty fucking head.

And if that's not enough, there's the sickening $8.75 "convenience charge." Seriously, charging almost nine bucks for no particular reason is bad enough, but then they're basically calling us out by calling the damn thing a "convenience charge." They just love the irony. It's like they were sitting at their board meeting and one of the Hitler youth pipes up, "How about we tack on ten bucks and say it's a convenience charge?" And then they all cackle like banshees and stamp "APPROVED" on a bunch of papers before jerking each other off while watching the rape scene from Deliverance. If I was in a room with a Ticketmaster executive and bin Laden and I had one bullet... it's a trick question, bin Laden runs Ticketmaster. Shit in a bag and suffocate yourselves with it.

So they tack on a "convenience charge" for the "convenience" of using their horse shit web site that's already charged eight bucks, which is something exactly zero other businesses have ever done. I'd rather they just incorporate it in the fucking charge, but they do it just to be pricks. There is no other reason. Remember every asshole you went to high school with that tried to hook up with your girlfriend and bragged about how cool his car was? That fucker works for fucking Ticketmaster.

They also tried to get me to pay a $6 protection charge, or something, and at that point I threw a brick through my monitor, jumped out my window, bit the head off of a squirrel and used its blood as warpaint. Fuck you, Ticketmaster. Fuck you. Fuck you in your fucking face.

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