Monday, March 23, 2009

The mighty return of Rob Gindes Unplugged


So I wrote a column for today, but I didn't think it was really awesome enough to go in the newspaper. So then I wrote another one at the last minute, which was slightly better.

That means that now I have a column just sitting around, and I figured that since I love the blog readers so much, here's my b-material. Hooray!

A little ditty titled "The Right to be Wrong":

In 1972, Luther Ingram made the song “(If Loving You is Wrong) I Don’t Want to Be Right” a hit. Almost 40 years later, there must be a lot of love, because there is a whole lot of wrong.

Probably one thing that bewilders me more than anything else is how wrong everyone is about everything all the time. If there’s one blanket word I could use to describe everyone in the world right now, it would be “wrong.” It’s just… not right.

Tons of people get paid for being wrong all the time. Like weathermen. Sorry, I mean weather people. Weather whatever, you all suck at your job. Even with the help of your evil DOPPLER 9000 TERMINATOR ROBOT SEX MACHINE, you still get everything wrong. But you’re not the only ones guilty.

Actors get paid to be wrong all the time too. Like, George Clooney gets paid to pretend he’s a con man who pulls bank heists and make speeches about how everyone in Hollywood is superior to normal people. He gets paid lots to do this. And if that isn’t the essence of wrong, I don’t know what is.

Or how about models? They’re paid to look all wrong, like they’re aliens that don’t get fed properly.

Politicians are paid to tell us why other politicians are wrong, but the catch is normally they’re right--but only because they’re all wrong.

Sports analysts are wrong on a minute-to-minute basis. When the brackets came out, one analyst had this to say about Maryland-California: “In the second round, Cal could be playing Coach Cal,” referring to Memphis coach Jim Calhoun. This man “analyzed” the game to show that it could create a future game where a coach and a team were referred to by the same abbreviation. This man was paid to say this.

Speaking of our basketball team, another large section of wrong people have turned out to be the ones who were calling for coach Gary Williams’ head this season. That is, until next year, when the team loses some game they shouldn’t or he misses out on some recruit again. Then they’re the people saying “I told you so.”

Sports are too easy because everyone gets to be wrong all the time. You can fail seven out of ten times in baseball and make the Hall of Fame. What about advertisers? These people who want us to give them our hard-earned dollars for their Slap Chops and Mighty Putties have to be right, right?

Wrong. They’re the wrongest of the wrong. Have you seen the Boost Mobile commercials about being “unwronged”? Like pigs eating ham, or a woman with footlong armpit hair. I feel wronged having to watch that commercial, why in the world would I think that was a good advertising gimmick? It’s just disgusting. Seriously, Boost Mobile, cut that out. It’s gross. For real guys, I’m not trying to be witty right now, those commercials are terrible.

And after printing this, I’m sure I’ll get a slew of grammatically challenged comments about just how wrong I am for writing, thinking, breathing, etc.

That’ll be my cue to exit, stage wrong.

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