Monday, March 2, 2009

Icy death rains from skies

What is it about snow that causes everyone to lose their shit? Seriously, people don't get this excited when volcanoes explode. But if powder starts coming out of the sky, people lose the ability to control themselves. Check, for instance, the local headlines on my local Fox news right now:

That's five headlines, four of which are about snow. And the other one, about the teen getting shot, will probably mention that it snowed too, even though it's about something that actually matters.

Who cares? Wow, precipitation came down. I have no idea what to do any more. Let's run around and scream things. You know what the worst part of it is? The weathermen/women on TV use snow as a chance to pat themselves on the back. "When it snowed... FOX 5 WAS THERE FIRST!" Great job assholes, you used million-dollar technology to finally predict something that was close to being right, and now you and your EXTREME DOPPLER 9000 SUPER UV X-RAY SEX MACHINE are fucking heroes. Congratulations.

Nobody knows how to deal with snow. The last time it snowed here, they made sure to shovel just enough off the sidewalks so that the next day, a thin sheet of ice developed. That was wonderful, watching people slide across campus all day. The newspaper that day featured an indefensible triple byline headlined, "SNOW JOKE." Unfortunately, I'm friends with all three of the people that wrote that. Sorry guys, but you should be ashamed of yourselves.

It's just not that big of a deal. It could be three seconds on the news. "Hey, it snowed, don't drive like a retard. Back to actual things that mattered." But instead, it turns into STORM WATCH 2009: PUTTING THE ICE IN "NICE FUCKING COVERAGE." It's like, we as journalists are so lazy, that when it snows we go "Hey, we get a snow day too!" Someone please tell me why we don't do this when it rains, sleets, or hails. Mailmen don't take the day off and we shouldn't either.

I was out playing catch for a solid five minutes today before i realized, hey, it's cold. And this snow is getting my clothes wet. And now I'm getting dirty because under the snow is just a disgusting puddle of mud. It was enough to make me want to drift and die.

When we were kids, snow days were fun because we didn't have to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn and drag ourselves into stupid classes we hated. Now it's just annoying because the professors get pissed at us, like we caused the snowstorm, and make us do more work in the end. And when we get into the working world, we're going to have to try to get into work anyways.

So you can call me Scrooge, you can call me the Heat Miser, you can say I hate snowmen and hot chocolate and snowball fights and all that kind of stuff. But to me this is, well, it snow joke.


  1. Funny story about "Snow Joke," actually...

    Ok wait first you're an asshole.

    Now back to the story. Word on the street is that it wasn't actually supposed to be a headline at all-- it was put there as like "insert snow joke here," but nobody realized it and they just printed the paper.

    And it WAS newsworthy if only because it closed school. Rain doesn't close school, unless you live in the French Quarter, so we don't write about the fucking rain. If your blog canceled school we'd probably write about that too, but someone would have to read it first.

    Also you are my best friend.

  2. boom, roasted.

    i love you rich.

  3. a few things:

    1. you can't have a party without ice
    2. put your problems on ice

    I think that says it all.

  4. The article about the teen getting shot = worst news article writing ever.

    "DC Police say immediately after the shooting the gunmen carjacked a Mazda at a nearby intersection. After abandoning that car the men carjacked a second vehicle." Also, apparently car jackers do not take kindly to Mazdas

  5. This is nothing less than another hilarious and well written post by Robert Gindes.

  6. haha i was gonna talk about the same thing Brent did.... i thought that was hilarious.

    It should have been written by Rob Gindes.

  7. So I was going to tell you about the Snow Joke thing but Rich beat me to it. So instead I will inform you of this interesting fact:

    Making a HUGE deal of weather stories is not an anomaly -- in fact, in the world of our wonderful, educated, and well-informed American readership the most read story topics go as follows:
    1) Weather Stories
    2) Stories about Dogs
    3) Sports

    And that's snow joke.