Monday, March 2, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Washington

Ed. note: This is the fourth in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy building snowmen and naming them Orson Brown, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi

Today we're going to inspect Washington state, because this is about states. If it was the great district debate, it would be Washington, DC. I'm glad we've cleared this up.

Washington is a downer of a state. It rains in Seattle all the time and all their sports franchises either suck or were stolen by Oklahoma City. Sheesh, you know you're awful when people can't wait to steal things from you and bring them to Oklahoma.

Seattle is famous because it's given us all sorts of crazy shit like Starbucks and grunge rock. It's like every decade Seattle pumps out some random piece of pop culture that has nothing to do with anything else. Remember that for the 2010's when we get the new Furby or something. Don't say I didn't warn you: These people are good for one every ten years, no more, no less.

This is the state seal of Washington.

You know that children's story where they're on some planet and it rains every day, except one day every seven years or so it's sunny and everyone plays? And then the story goes, there's some girl no one likes so they lock her in her house on that day and she misses the sun. That little girl is Washington.

Washington is home to two major college football teams that combined for one win last year, and that was in a game where the two teams played each other. There's no real joke for that, it's just sad. Like the rest of this state.

The state vegetable of Washington is the Walla Walla sweet onion. A close second was the Tacoma Tomato and the... wait, I don't know any other cities in Washington. The... Spokane Spinach. That's enough vegetable jokes.

The real state seal of Washington is this. It was inspired by a famous unfinished painting of George Washington. So let me get this straight: The symbol they chose for their state is based on something that the guy couldn't even finish? They couldn't have chosen anything that actually got completed? I've given state symbols an F, but this one has to get an I. A new low for Washington.

Washington is a sad state. Physically, geographically and emotionally and spiritually and every way you can possibly think of. Washington is a sad state in a sad state. Someone turn that into a grunge song.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Washington. Washington sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

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