Thursday, March 26, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Ohio

Ed. note: This is the eighth in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy perjuring yourself and not going to jail somehow, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida, California, Nebraska

Oh, hi oh. Let's hate on Ohio.

Ohio is an integral state for America. Actually, it's not, but compared to some of the other loser states we've profiled, it's at least got like, people and cities. I mean, really, Montana?

Ohio was the 17th state and the first to use 75% vowels. Bet you didn't think there would be math on Blazing With Phelps today. Well, there is. Unfortunately, if you live in Cincinnati I've now lost you because everyone in Cincinnati is an idiot.

"Ohio" is a Seneca word that means "Everyone who lives here is really stupid so we'd better include a maximum of four words in the state name or they won't even remember that."

The state flag of Ohio is not the normal rectangle, but instead is the only state flag that is in a dovetail shape. This is because they didn't have enough fabric to complete a "real" flag. The flag is patterned after state hero Pac-Man.

The city of Cleveland is famous for producing the two most polar opposite human beings of all time: Drew Carey and LeBron James. One is a funny and entertaining guy who people love watching on TV all the time and the other is Drew Carey.

Most of the biggest cities in Ohio are well-known for perversions that include them in the name, such as Cincinnati (Bowtie), Cleveland (Steamer), Dayton (Dry mop), Toledo (Thunder brawl), Akron (P'zone) and Youngstown (Baklava). Some of those may have been made up, but none are more disgusting than Drew Carey.

Wikipedia says that some of the biggest products that come out of Ohio are "Smuckers jams and jellies, and Day-Glo paints." Apparently no citizen of Ohio is older than the age of seven.

The Ohio state seal is horrifying. To the best of my knowledge, it is two haystacks being burned to a crisp by an overpowering sun. Ohio: Land of a terrible, burning death.

The Buckeye is probably the biggest symbol of the state of Ohio, even though no one knows what the fuck a buckeye is. Or what the buck a fuckeye is. Or what the truck a muckeye is. The point is, nobody knows. Some say that it is a nut, but there's also buckeye chickens, butterflies, trees, trains and delcious candy. I'm going to go with those chocolate-and-peanut butter buckeyes as the true buckeyes because they are awesome. The Ohio Buckeye: You're fat.

The state motto of Ohio is "With God all things are possible." Ohio sees your separation of church and state and laughs at it. Also, the state beverage is tomato juice, which is fucking disgusting.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Ohio. Ohio sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

1 comment:

  1. absolutely wonderful. Hey Ohio, YOU SUCK!