Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Nebraska

Ed. note: This is the seventh in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy writing a column on the same topic on the same day as I did but getting a TON more play out of it, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida, California

Today let's take a look at Nebraska, why don't we.

Nebraska is a horrible state where nothing ever happens.

The people who created the state flag of Nebraska only had two colors available to them, making it one of the most boring flags in the union. Actually that's not true; this flag is probably in the top half because people who designed flags were the worst and least creative people of all time.

I mean just take a look at that piss-poor state flag. That sums up everything about Nebraska. A train flies by, happy to be getting the fuck out of Nebraska, while some Nebraskan idiot smashes an anvil with a hammer. If this state was any more worthless, it would be called "Montana."

Nebraska comes from the Native American word "Nebraska," which translates to "Land we slept through on the way to California or one of the states that are actually fucking interesting."

In 1860, just under 30,000 people lived in Nebraska. Today that number has increased by almost 14.

Unfortunately, Nebraska is only relevant during University of Nebraska football games, circa the 1990s. Which is to say, Nebraska is not, nor will it ever again be, relevant. There's some saying that when the Cornhuskers' football stadium fills up, it has the third-biggest population of any city in Nebraska. This is amazing, I know! I had no idea that two cities in this state were actually bigger than that.

There's a sizeable part of Nebraska where the population is "<1." Which is a nice way of saying that in Japan, there are places that are so overcrowded that people don't have space to live, but it sure beats living in Nebraska.

Nebraska's biggest industry is--surprise!--farming. This is partly because they have huge fucking areas where nobody fucking lives. So they build giant farms as a way of saying "naw, it's okay, we were gonna use that land anyway." Nebraska is sad and is trying to hide the fact that they really need you.

Believe it or not, Kool-Aid was invented in Nebraska. Which is a shock because there are no buildings, so there are no walls for the Kool-Aid man to burst through. Truly an unexpected product to come out of Nebraska.

The state slogan of Nebraska is "Possibilities... endless." This slogan was made while someone was looking at the land where <1 people live. They figured, hey, it's a bunch of land that no one's ever going to live on! We could literally do anything with it. Because there's never going to be any use for all this.

Maybe that should be the state slogan. "Nebraska. <1."

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Nebraska. Nebraska sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

1 comment:

  1. LLWS! Viva La Hershiser! And....Steve Phillips is also there, I guess.