Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Florida

Ed. note: You thought I had stopped doing these, but you were wrong! This is the fifth in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy doing whatever the fuck this is, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington

Today we're going to take a look at a horrible state called Florida.

Florida. Land of a billion old Jewish people and the cokehead NFL players that run over them in cars. What a hilariously awful state this is.

Florida is a funny little state that is still technically owned by America, even though everyone there considers themselves Hispanic. Or Latino. One of these words is how we're supposed to refer to that group of people and the other one is apparently a horrible racial epithet. So choose the one that isn't racist. Or the one that is. Whatever.

In terms of horrible things happening, Florida is the Kevin Bacon of states, because every terrible mishap can be traced back to them in six degrees or less. Like, let's say for instance, Hurricane Katrina. That's Florida's fault. Speaking of Hurricanes, the University of Miami's mascot is the Hurricane, but the guy in the costume is a weird, probably perverted duck. His signature move is grabbing his upper bill in one hand and his lower bill in the other hand and twisting them away from each other. This seems like self-mutilation, but apparently intimidates opponents. Or not, because Miami football sucks now.

Elian Gonzalez.

Girls at Florida State look like this. Girls at Maryland look like this. Maybe I should stop hating on Florida.

In 2000, Florida was the focus of a voting controversy when some county full of old people didn't punch their ballots in right, or something. Liberals need to let this one go because as much as you hate W, there is no way Al Gore could have been better. Absolutely no way. This is a hidden fun fact of the past eight years: While every liberal was griping about how terrible Bush was, the best two candidates they could muster were Gore and John Kerry. So next time you want to complain, try to muster up a candidate that isn't half retarded. Or in Kerry's case, fully retarded.

The state flag of Florida is basically a warning message: The red "X" signifies them saying, "Please don't fucking come here, it's such a God-awful place where everyone's an idiot and no one knows how to vote for president. Our Hurricane mascot is a duck, there's more cocaine here than even Tony Montana could sniff and we actually force a professional baseball team to play here."

Florida is also home to Disney World, which contains the horrifying "It's a Small World" ride. The ride is supposed to be about friendship or something, but contains subtle messages that terrified me as an 11-year old, such as a sad clown hanging out of a hot air balloon with a sign that said "HELP ME." That scared the fuck out of me. Florida can go screw itself, dude.

Is there a way we could trade Florida to Spain or something? Maybe we could trade Florida and a city to be named later for the rights to siestas and a first-round pick during the next Crusades. I think that's fair all around.

The two main exports of Florida are orange juice and hot people. The two main imports are cocaine and old people. Fair.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Florida. Florida sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.


  1. According to my two Floridian roommates, the state is also called "America's Penis." Done and done.

  2. Dana, tell your roommates I said hey