Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: California

Ed. note: This is the sixth in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy being a pussy and only picking like, two upsets... sir, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida

In honor of the Terrapins' tilt with the Cal Bears tomorrow, we're going to look at the filthy liberal state of California today.

California, despite being probably the worst state in the union, has arguably one of its best flags. Yes, that is a super-badass bear ready to crush some people. I mean, look at the detail on that thing. It's fucking ferocious. There's a state flag you can set your watch to. Is it really that hard? I'm looking at you, Arkansas.

California is well-known for cities such as Los Angeles, which is apparently the only city in California because everyone from there refers to themselves as being from Los Angeles, even the Anaheim Angels.

Unfortunately, the flag is probably the only thing cool about California. Everyone there considers themselves a better person than anyone in the rest of the country because they are more "progressive." They hold the Academy Awards every year to give two-minute speeches on why Hollywood is the best place ever and everyone there is a hero. Apparently, they've also begun to hand out awards for movies there, but I'll have to fact-check that.

California is also famous for the large amount of its residents that live "alternative lifestyles." Maybe these people are wrong and offending God, while leading this country to its ultimate doom, but I don't know. I think they have a right to believe and do what they want to believe and do, even if it's disgusting and horrifying to me and I wouldn't want my children in a room with these people. I'm talking of course about liberals.

Rap music gained a lot of steam in California, especially in the city of Compton. If you're white and have played GTA: San Andreas, you basically understand the plight of the black man in California about 25 years ago. It must have been tough flying those planes around and blowing up crack factories, but somehow they made it through.

Gangs are a big problem in California. There's the Bloods, the Crips and the Latin Kings. One of them tried to recruit me because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff.

California is home to many prestigious public universities that pay athletes under the table, such as Cal-Berkley, Southern California, and University of California-Los Angeles. This past football season, I got to see a lot of the Cal Bears in person and I like what I saw, including Jahvid Best's pregame meal.

Everyone who goes to California does it to "make it big," only to wind up in either "Disney on Ice" or waiting tables hoping to slip a screenplay to someone that matters. Or at least that's what I saw on Entourage or something. Every TV show and movie is about this state. In an unrelated note, TV and movies suck. Draw your own conclusions.

San Francisco is famous for its windy streets. There's a joke in here about San Francisco and not being straight, but it's yours to make. That "windy" was like, wind-ie. Not like windy. Agh, stupid words that can be pronounced two different ways. This is California's fault too.

Have you ever seen the commercial for "Visit California"? It's just a bunch of stupid actors using puns about how much their jobs rule. Like skateboarders going "We have tons of BOARD meetings!!!" and people at Disneyland going "Everyone's a bunch of CHARACTERS!!!" God, just die already. Wait, you mean if I move to California I'll be rich and famous? Oh wait, I covered that two paragraphs ago. Fuck yourself, California. Fuck yourself good and hard.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of California. California sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

1 comment:

  1. You might as well take issue with the flag as well. I mean my God, it has a red star with a bear...if it didn't have the words "California Republic" written on it, I would think it is the flag of North Korea.