Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Best Spring Break a real boy: The Road to Ontario

Ohhhhh my Looooooord, Johnny!

St. Patrick's Day has come and gone. And there was much rejoicing in the form of green beer. I'm ready to do this damn thing. I have a lot of money riding on this bracket. This works out very well for me, considering I made up this tournament. Get your brackets and popcorn ready, because inebriation is about to predict who had the Best Spring Break in the History of Hyperbole 09. Drink! Prediction!

Nova Scotia Region:

1. Joe Francis v. 4. Sisqo: Thong Or No Thong?

That is the question. It is a question of age. Much like the 8th graders on MILF Island, everyone can agree with the "let me see that thong" mantra. But is that really enough? Girls Gone Wild offered some full on naked chicks! Holy Cow! Joe has the advantage of offering full on frontal before The Thong Song even existed. I think back to YTK. Contemplating the match up while popping zits and getting used to my new voice in the mirror, I would have to take 1. Joe Francis over 4. Sisqo.

2. Jesus v. 3 Matt Jones: The Bible or the Bible Belt?
I previously wrote that Jesus will smite me due to repeated blasphemy. After writing that, I looked in the mirror and realized I had somehow managed to contract pink eye. I saw my face and I'm a believer. Matt Jones, please kill yourself. 2. Jesus over 3. Matt Jones.

Regional Final:
1. Joe Francis v. 2. Jesus: Show Your Tits or Crucifix?

Joe Francis ushered puberty to the late Regan year kids, Jesus ushered in a whole new religion, and football in the groin had a football in the groin. Jesus died for our sins, but Joe Francis let loose a whole new wave of sin. Using Satan's logic in the South Park Movie, without evil there can be no good so it must be good to be evil sometimes. 1. Joe Francis over 2. Jesus.

Sheboygan Region:
1. Roman Polanski v. 4. David Hasselhoff: Drug Induced Comedy or Drug Induced Rape?

I've been told timing is everything in comedy. I obviously seem to think outside the box on that one, primarily based on my love for Taco Bell. In any case, apparently that is a rule. Hasselhoff had the benefit of the You Tube. Roman Polanski drugged and raped a 13 year old girl, unfortunately before You Tube. To put them on even par, I will equate them both to Facebook. I would say "Twitter," but I don't know what the hell that is. Which status would you rather see? "David Hasselthehoff is OMG I was sooo wasted last night, but I loves Wendys! ;-) about 17 minutes ago" or "Roman Polanski is forever grateful for Jack Nicholson for letting me drug and rape that bitch in his shack about 10 minutes ago. Roman Polanski added France to Places I've been about 2 seconds ago." This may be the smiting talking, it might and probably be the beer talking, but I'd add Polanski before Hasselhoff as a friend. Speaking of which, Chief Kickingstalionsims has yet to accept my friend request. Cheif, please accept me when you read this. 1. Polanski over 4. Hoff.

3. Chris Berman v. 2. Donte Stallworth: The Scumbag Or the Body Bag?
I was not surprised when I first heard the story of leather and the sexual prowl of Berman. I'm sure her dress size went back, back, back when he was gone. A cheap and easy pun for a cheap an easy broadcaster, or should I say BROD-caster? Hey-O! ESPN, can I get the actual wording of the grandfather clause in your constitution? Does Berman count as 3/5 of an anchor? And as I tap the breaks, 2. Stallworth over 3. Berman by default. The amount of brain cells in the guy Stallworth killed is far less than the brain cells damaged by Berman (hands) across America. Fuck, yeah!

Regional Final: Hit It and Run or Hit It?

I'd hold the Spring Break I got some over the Spring Break some guy hit my car with his body. 1. Polanksi over 4. Stallworth.

Keiv Region:

1. Pope John Paul XII v. 4. Habib Marwan: Should Have Not Existed or Never Existed?
Holy incest and terrorism. On a technicality, Il Papa was not on Spring Break when he fucked his mother, but the fact he did it year round made me throw his semen in the ring. I'm Catholic, so I should be inclined to blindly follow the Pope, but come on. Concurrently, the issue of me being smitten has reaffirmed my faith, though I feel that the more I piss off my Lord and Savior, the greater my chances of being court side in Hell. As for Marwan, 24 is fucking awesome. 24 is awesome because of Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer killed Marwan. If Jack Bauer is awesome, he must be the good. Belief in Jesus is also good. So, if Jesus has smitten me, he must have smitten Marwan. This puts Marwan in the same section as me. I have never been court side, and my first time might as well be with someone with whom I can associate, even if they are matter of fiction. Assuming Heaven and Hell are also fiction, I could see myself and Marwan heckling Kobe. Assuming Heaven and Hell do exist, Johnny gets court side seats, but I can throw popcorn on him. Selfishness and recognition of fate leaves 4. Marwan over 1. Pope John XI.

2. Rinaldo v. 3. Karl Malone: Pay For Transvestites or Not Pay For Your Kids?
This is a matter of Best Spring Break, not morals. That being the case, would I rather bang a 13 year old girl or be extorted by 2 transvestites. Decisions, decisions. WWJD? Oh, yeah...that. It's a coin flip. Be in the debacle of extortion by tranny which implies having a sizable net worth, or realizing my future net worth and get a little bit, and refuse to lose net worth. Since I'm not given the beginning common stock in this equation, I'd have to rely on the the urges of the moment. Ronaldo had money to lose in his situation, Malone had a scholarship to lose. Money is money, and scholarship is the deferral of money. I'd have to say 3. Malone over 2. Rinaldo.

Regional Final:
3. Malone v. 4. Marwan: 32 or 24?

Malone could go back home and tell his scattered illegitimate children that he got his ass whooped by Jordan. Marwan died at the hands of Jack Bauer. Survival goes to 3. Malone over 4. Marwan.

Reykjavik Region:

1. Rodney Kind Cops v. 4. Leprechaun: Which Would Be More Believable in Court?

Both are based on videos, yet neither are believable. However, the cops were acquitted, and the gold toothed gentleman said he seen the Leprechaun. This just mean the videos are credible. Spring Break commonly involves laughter, yet at times involves structure fires. Laughter can be generated by anything, but an event to inspire riots and a Sublime song will unfortunately never happen again. 1. Cops over 4. Leprechaun.

2. Mike Schmidt v. 3. Cedric Benson: Who Was More On a Boat?
One man's bitter arrest story is his buddy's awesome getting away story. Benson was on a boat on his ordinary free time. Schmidt was on a boat on his own time, or "house money" as SportsCenter would say all the fucking time. Benson was Tarazed, Schmidt won the MVP. Benson was with his fiance, Schmidt was with Tug McGraw, father of Tim McGraw (no relation). Look at me, Poseidon! 2. Schmidt over 3. Benson.

Regional Final:
1. Cops v. 1. Schmidt: Laying a Beat Or Throwing the Heat?

The MLB awards 2 MVP awards per year. Beat downs by cops caught on tape are once in an overused expression. 1. Cops over 2. Schmidt. And to answer your question, Mr. Nowell, I was in Kindergarten in Indianapolis on April 26, 1992. I'm sorry I couldn't be there.

Final Four: Ontario

1. Joe Francis v. 1. Roman Polanski: Barely Legal or Illegal?

Roman Polanski is on a permanent Spring Break, so my first tendency leans toward him. However, Polanski's though shrewd, is entirely selfish. Joe Francis' Spring Break brought the abstraction of Spring Break to a whole generation. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Therefore, I'd take 1. Joe Francis v. 1. Roman Polanski.

3. Karl Malone v. 1. Cops: Play On a Court or Win In a Courtroom?
I'd really love to know what these guys are up to today. This match up features not only the neglectful parent image of the NBA star, but the racist stigma of the LAPD. Both seemed to make a clean get away from the American justice system. 3 more cheers, we are up to 12 now! Spring Break appeals to both fornication and violence. Honestly, the only way this match up would be more difficult to call would be if the cops had beaten Karl Malone instead of Rodney King. Malone is just one example of many dead beat fathers, but the Cops did something unique. 1. Cops over 3. Karl Malone.

1. Joe Francis v. 1. Cops

This is pretty clear cut. Joe Francis' Spring Break is far more universal than the Cops beating a man. The Cops had a good run, but Joe Francis is Spring Break. 1. Joe Francis over 1. Cops.

There ya go...brilliant, logical, drunken analysis for a brilliant, irrational, drunken Spring Break bracket. We're going to get a vote counter going, more details will follow in the next few days. Just another bracket to mull over while you ignore life for a We're here to distract, no need to thank us.

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