Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Best Spring Break Ever

Yep, this is madness. What? Basketball? Oh, I was talking about that sweet ass picture. But now that you mention it, it's finally that time of year again. And there was much rejoicing.

Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, bullshit predictions, Big East this, ACC that, "Cinderella," choose words carefully to cover my ass when my bracket goes to hell, aaaaaaand Champion Pick: Radford

Well, that bracket was fun, let's do another. Crazy shit has been happening in Florida lately, which got me thinking...hows aboot 16 players, one of whom has had the Best Spring Break in the History of Hyperbole 2009? No? Well fuck you, I'm writing it anyway.

The Criteria: The working definition of an event occurring during "Spring Break" will be: Anything that happens in March, April, or May, regardless of hemisphere, in a warm weather environment. This event must be influenced by drugs and alcohol and/or be totally bad ass or monumentally stupid. Simple enough. The only true way to pick a winner is to be empathetic to those in the tournament. In other words, tonight, after properly celebrating St. Patrick's Day, I will use my legendary piss-drunken logic to determine how the match-ups play out.

And she's buying a stairway to the Sheboygan Region:

1. Joe Francis, 1999, Wherever the party took him
Visionary. Pioneer. Joesph R Francis is the mastermind behind Girls Gone Wild. His brilliant psychological and social commentary on alcohol and the affect on the 18-24 year old female will be studied by scholars throughout the ages. So simple, so elegant, so college.

2. Jesus H. Christ, c. 30 C.E, Golgatha and...uhh...Heaven? What did he do those 3 days he was dead, anyway?

Died for our sins, rose from dead 3 days later, smote John for repeated blasphemy.

3. Matt Jones, 2009, Arkansas
Matt Jones was picked up for cocaine (which is surprising considering backwoods trash like he usually stick to their crystal meth) back in 2008. He was arrested on March 9, 2009, for drinking some beers on a golf course. This was a violation of his parole...the golfing part, that is. The drinking was fine, but the gentleman's sport of golf has no business being played by any "American" from Our-Kansas. I can't help but picture Matt Jones pulling the Randy Marsh "I thought this was America" after being arrested.

4. Sisqo, 2000, Miami

'nuff said.

Oh, that? That's the money you could be saving with the Nova Scotia Region:

1. Roman Polanski, 1977, Los Angeles
Polanski's home was the site of the Manson Family Murders in 1969. His wife and unborn son were among the victims. Pretty heavy stuff to say the least, but not enough to stop the director from living the dream. In 1977, he invited a 13 year old model to a photo shoot. During this shoot, Polanski offered the girl drugged champagne. Her mind said no, but the quaaludes said yes. Polanski stuck it in every orphus, despite the fact the model was conscious and remembered all of it. After a trial, a plea bargain was reached that allowed Polanski to travel abroad during a 90 day grace period before an ordered 90 day psychiatric evaluation. He fled to France, where he held citizenship, and has not returned to the United States since. 3 cheers for the American legal system!

2. Donte Stallworth, 2009, Miami
Ah, yes. Some asshole on his way home from work was trying to walk across Stallworth's lane. Stallworth remained cool and calm, and handled the situation by the book, flashing his high beams and honking his horn a few times. The man crossing the road was obviously at fault in this one. Someone should have told him to stay out of the no zone.

3. Chris Berman, Early 1990s, Scottsdale
Take it away, Deadspin!

4. David Hasselhoff, 2007, Las Vegas

What happens in Vegas, stays on You Tube

They were gonna pay me 500 bucks and I said no you won't, you're gonna give me that Kiev Region:

1. Pope John XII, 955, Rome

The overall Number 1 seed. Ohhh boy, this one is rough. First off, most reports on this guy stop with words not usually associated with a Papal reign, such as "immoral" and "debauchery." That is because some things are better left unsaid. It's a good thing I'm typing. John XII just loved everything about sex. Orgies. All the time. In the halls of St. John Lateran. Think of the craziest place you have had, or have heard any one have sex, no matter how implausible it may seem. You got it? Pope John XII beats that story. Have you ever heard of anyone banging someone on on the tombs of St. Peter or St. Paul? Yeah. He had sex with girls, women, boys, men, Boyz II Men, everyone. No, really. EVERYONE. Pope John XII is probably the only holy person who you could call a mother fucker...cause I mean...that happened. A lot. Wow. I need to shower. You should too. Daaaaamn the old country musta been fuuucked up!

2. Ronaldo, 2008, Rio de Jenerio
We've all been there. You're in Rio, having a good time. Your girlfriend drops you off at the hotel, but you aren't ready to call it a night just yet. You have 2 options: You can either invite your girlfriend up for some sexy time, or you can raw-dog three prostitutes. Basic math tells you 3 is better than 1, so you go for it. Then the whores come by, turn out to be men, try and extort money because you're an international soccer superstar. Standard, really. The same thing happened to me except I didn't have that internet money when the transvestites showed up, so I just went with the flow.

3. Karl Malone, 1984, Louisiana

On May 3, 1984, a boy Demetrius Bell was born. He is now playing for the Buffalo Bills. This makes sense, he has athleticism in his blood. His father is Karl Malone, who was 17 at the time of his birth. His mother, Gloria Bell? Yeah...she was 13. Karl Malone also fathered twins, including former WNBA Rookie of the Year Cheryl Ford, but the mother was 17 so it's nearly as frat. Oh, and Karl doesn't recognize these people as his children, which is the deadbeat father/statutory rapist equivalent of "if I can't see you, you can't see me." But hey, he played in Utah, so the polygamists didn't exactly have leverage in lawful relationships.

4. Habib Marwan, 2005, somewhere over the desert.
Marwan successfully brought down Air Force One in an attempt to steal the nuclear football, and spawned a solid calendar year of us and our friends answering every phone call with "This is Marwan." A solid Spring Break for someone whose path would eventually cross with Jack Bauer, so obviously he didn't have long to live afterwards. Seriously, does everyone on 24 forget from year to year that Jack has saved the country singlehandedly about 13 times? How does he not get immunity? This doesn't make sense. And since Elisha Cuthbert is too big for the show now, they have to write it in that she "can't even look at Jack any more," even though he's a God damn hero. Really?

My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not the Reykjavik Region:

1. The Cops Who Beat Rodney King, 1991, Los Angeles

Whoaaaa Nelly. Okay. You know all know the story. These cops beat the living hell out of Rodney King, were caught on video tape, went to trial, and were found not guilty. Riots ensued. I managed to obtain a first hand account of these riots from Brad Nowell. According to Nowell, there were "Riots on the streets of Miami, riots on the streets of Chicago, on the streets of Long Beach, and San Francisco, riots on the streets of Kansas City, Tuscalusa, Alabama, Cleveland, Ohio, Fountain Valley, Paramount, Victorville, Eugene, Oregon, Eureka, California, Hesperia, Santa Barbara, Nevada, Phoenix, Arizona, San Diego, Lakeland, Florida, and fucking 29 palms." "Wontcha let it burn," added Nowell. Another 3 cheers for the American justice system!

2. Mike Schmidt, 1981, off the coast of Florida
In 1981, baseball players went on strike over Spring Training. So instead of getting reps, Schmidt lived on a houseboat all Spring and drank with Tug McGraw. Obviously it would have done him much better to be swinging a bat all month instead of swilling a beer: He hit .316 with 31 homers and 91 in 102 games and won his second straight MVP.

3. Cedric Benson, 2008, Austin
The Lonely Island has nothing on Cedric Benson. Benson not only managed to get a DUI while on a boat despite an "aced" field (is it still a field test if you are on water?) test, but was also pepper sprayed for no good reason. Of course, it's hard to find a "good reason" to have pepper sprayed into your eye. Also, has anyone ever operated a boat sober? I'm not just talking motor boats, I mean in world history. The best part was even though the charges were cleared, Benson was ordered by a Judge to have a breathalyzer installed on his car. On his car....after being drunk on a boat. Yet another 3 cheers for the American justice system! That makes 9 cheers, for those playing the home game. Drink! Viva El Benson!

4. The Leprechaun, 2006, Mobile, Alabama
Or was it just a crackhead that got a hold of the wrong stuff?

So there you have it. 16 of the best spring breaks ever. I'm off to drink as if I was Irish. Later, I'll thoroughly, albeit drunkenly, dissect this field of 16 and determine who truly had the best spring break ever. I can tell you right now that it won't be me. Aside from the fact I'm not on the bracket, I woke up this St. Patrick's day with pink eye. Best Spring Break Ever!


  1. I thoroughly enjoyed the Thong Song and the No Zone rap, but I have to ask, is that leprechaun news report real? Please tell me that wasn't on tv pretending to be serious news. "Whoever behind me see a leprechaun say 'yeah'!"

  2. The news report was completely serious. The people the news station interviewed were completely cracked out.