Sunday, March 29, 2009
This has been a solid stretch nonetheless for Blazin' With Phelps. We found out that Will Leitch reads us. Someone stumbled upon my Nebraska Hate Debate and posted it on the forums for StLToday.com. We're really pushing the brand name right now.
We've also reached some pretty sweet milestones: 4,000 unique views and 10,000 page views (!). So I mean Jesus, thanks. It really means a lot to me.
Budweiser On tap for this week: I have a column coming out in the newspaper tomorrow that I can't wait to talk about here. It's tied to a story unearthed and expertly reported by Rich (who has sadly discontinued his blog for the time being at least), and I'd definitely like for either him to come on here and talk about it, or maybe do a Q&A.
We've also got more Great State Hate Debates coming, as well as possibly the debut of "We Hate Your School," as well as another new feature that may or may not exist if we can get it to actually, like, work.
Anyways, thanks, and check back tomorrow for that great content you've come to expect.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Drink it in, I'll wait.
Wow. Just...wow. I can't believe he is 44 years old, either!
I can only guess as to how this went down, but I'm pretty sure it went something like this:
Thursday, March 26, 2009
But cartoons have a zero percent success rate. And I'm not talking about political cartoons (which is a whole other post, because what purpose do they serve?), I'm talking about the cartoon strips that run in every newspaper, even The Diamondback. And none of them are funny. Ever. Is it a rule that cartoons just aren't allowed to be funny?
I don't get it, I just don't. I mean, the part of the newspaper with the cartoons is even called "the funnies," but without fail every single one of them is horrible.
There's a web site that proves this, Garfield Minus Garfield. This is a web site that proves that probably the most well-known comic strip is so unfunny that if you take out its principle character, it becomes funnier. How can an entire industry continue to exist when this is the case?
Like, here's a famous comic strip, called "Cathy."
That is literally the worst thing that was ever created by anyone. Comic strips are a waste of time. Most of them can be boiled down to unfunny one-sentence Jerry Seinfeld observations, like "What's the deal with fashion?" Somehow people continue to get paid to do this.
I have never read a comic strip that was consistently funny. Or even consistently not terrible. Every comic should end with, "...Get it?" Comics are where bad jokes go to get drawn in color and not laughed at by anyone. It's just ridiculous.
I had a friend try to argue this with me, but it's inarguable. Comic strips are always horrible, all the time. They are the third certainty of life. They have never been and will never be enjoyable. If the characters were likable, they would be cartoons. If the subject matter was interesting, they would be actual stories. Instead, they get their own section (besides the trash can). And especially in an era where newspapers are tightening their belts and cutting back, why the hell are we still killing trees to run comic strips?
Calling comic strips the "funnies" is like calling a short guy "Tree" or a fat guy "smalls." It's irony for the sake of irony. Just keep that in mind the next time you open them up, expecting the funnies to actually be funny.
So, that's it. They just put up a plaque commemorating a speech that rallied a team to follow through, not lose a game, and win the BCS Championship. I don't understand how this is news in the first place. I put up a poster the other day, but I didn't feel the need to call a press conference. But I digress. This piece of non-news was enough to cut Romey to the core.
"What's next? Are you gonna tell me he can walk on water? That he can then turn that water into wine?"
So, Tebow's devout faith, his humanitarian work, even the fact that he lived in a leper colony (!!!!) is all well and good. Nope, nothing Jesus-like going on there. But a plaque is put up in a locker room, and Rome is ready free Barabus. Sounds about right. Now we're into the forum. Everyone seems to be in agreement that this plaque is crossing the line, and that people need to stop making Tebow out to be a prophet. I really do not know why I watch as much ESPN as I do. It makes my head hurt.
And now for something completely different. This post is a perfect excuse to put up what may be the best interview anyone has ever conducted, with the Gus Johnson Spike Lee interview in the post below. Enjoy.
While you were busy perjuring yourself and not going to jail somehow, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida, California, Nebraska
Oh, hi oh. Let's hate on Ohio.
Ohio is an integral state for America. Actually, it's not, but compared to some of the other loser states we've profiled, it's at least got like, people and cities. I mean, really, Montana?
Ohio was the 17th state and the first to use 75% vowels. Bet you didn't think there would be math on Blazing With Phelps today. Well, there is. Unfortunately, if you live in Cincinnati I've now lost you because everyone in Cincinnati is an idiot.
"Ohio" is a Seneca word that means "Everyone who lives here is really stupid so we'd better include a maximum of four words in the state name or they won't even remember that."
The state flag of Ohio is not the normal rectangle, but instead is the only state flag that is in a dovetail shape. This is because they didn't have enough fabric to complete a "real" flag. The flag is patterned after state hero Pac-Man.
The city of Cleveland is famous for producing the two most polar opposite human beings of all time: Drew Carey and LeBron James. One is a funny and entertaining guy who people love watching on TV all the time and the other is Drew Carey.
Most of the biggest cities in Ohio are well-known for perversions that include them in the name, such as Cincinnati (Bowtie), Cleveland (Steamer), Dayton (Dry mop), Toledo (Thunder brawl), Akron (P'zone) and Youngstown (Baklava). Some of those may have been made up, but none are more disgusting than Drew Carey.
Wikipedia says that some of the biggest products that come out of Ohio are "Smuckers jams and jellies, and Day-Glo paints." Apparently no citizen of Ohio is older than the age of seven.
The Ohio state seal is horrifying. To the best of my knowledge, it is two haystacks being burned to a crisp by an overpowering sun. Ohio: Land of a terrible, burning death.
The Buckeye is probably the biggest symbol of the state of Ohio, even though no one knows what the fuck a buckeye is. Or what the buck a fuckeye is. Or what the truck a muckeye is. The point is, nobody knows. Some say that it is a nut, but there's also buckeye chickens, butterflies, trees, trains and delcious candy. I'm going to go with those chocolate-and-peanut butter buckeyes as the true buckeyes because they are awesome. The Ohio Buckeye: You're fat.
The state motto of Ohio is "With God all things are possible." Ohio sees your separation of church and state and laughs at it. Also, the state beverage is tomato juice, which is fucking disgusting.
Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Ohio. Ohio sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.
Purdue vs. UCONN 7:07 (Prediction- Calhoun taken to hospital at halftime)
Xavier vs. Pitt 7:27 (Prediction- Pitt)
Mizzou vs. Memphis 9:37 (Prediction- Missourah)
Villanova vs. Duke 9:57 (Prediction- The Fags From Durham)
YOUTUBE CLIP OF THE DAY
Ukraine (AP) --
Hundreds of angry Kiev residents on Thursday picketed the office of the city's increasingly unpopular mayor, an eccentric millionaire who sings at rallies, poses in Speedos to show off his good health and goes by the nickname Cosmos.
Angered by major price hikes for public transport, utilities and medical care, the protesters demanded that mayor Leonid Chernovetsky resign.
But so far the 57-year-old has proved highly resilient, despite widespread accusations of corruption and erratic behavior often bordering on the absurd.
He survived an early vote last year that was initiated by Ukraine's parliament in an attempt to unseat him. He is now fending off an investigation over controversial sales of city land and even a parliamentary inquiry into whether he is mentally fit to hold office.
Eager to demonstrate he is of sound body and mind, he invited journalists to watch him earlier this month jogging, doing chin-ups and diving into a swimming pool in his tight Speedo suit.
"They are judging me today," Chernovetsky said, after he emerged from the water and flexed his muscles in front of the cameras. "They want me to spend my whole life behind bars in a psychiatric ward. I want to demonstrate to the whole world that I am completely healthy, both physically and psychologically."
Chernovetsky says his nickname is derived from his policies, which are "cosmic" and "completely unusual for Ukraine."
"I am proud that they don't resemble anything that went on in Ukraine before," he said on a talk show last year.
Chernovetsky was elected Kiev mayor in 2006 in a surprise win over the capital's incumbent mayor and boxing heavyweight champion Vitaly Klitschko.
His critics charge he won the race through questionable tactics such as donating pasta, sugar and other food to Kiev's impoverished pensioners. He was re-elected last May, largely due to his opponents' failure to unite behind a single candidate.
Chernovetsky has acknowledged on national television that he had given bribes worth $21 million when he was a businessman in the early 1990s. But he denies bribing his voters, calling himself "the humble mayor who loves babushkas."
In an effort to increase city revenues, he has proposed charging foreigners to live here, selling his kisses in a lottery and introducing entry fees for visits to city cemeteries. He has also started holding $100,000 dinners for entrepreneurs interested in discussing their affairs with city authorities.
This is the type of mayor I want running my city. Sure the corruption and shady business dealings might be a little annoying, but the man beat Klitschko in fucking election for Christs sakes. How can you not love a guy who is just absolutely horrible at his job and just laughs right in your face about it and flexes his muscles a few times for the camera just to make sure you know he doesn't give a fuck. I guess this is how Lions fans felt with Matt Millen showing his fat ass on TV every 14 seconds when his team is led by 13 first round receivers and Dan Orlovsky.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
While you were busy writing a column on the same topic on the same day as I did but getting a TON more play out of it, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida, California
Today let's take a look at Nebraska, why don't we.
Nebraska is a horrible state where nothing ever happens.
The people who created the state flag of Nebraska only had two colors available to them, making it one of the most boring flags in the union. Actually that's not true; this flag is probably in the top half because people who designed flags were the worst and least creative people of all time.
I mean just take a look at that piss-poor state flag. That sums up everything about Nebraska. A train flies by, happy to be getting the fuck out of Nebraska, while some Nebraskan idiot smashes an anvil with a hammer. If this state was any more worthless, it would be called "Montana."
Nebraska comes from the Native American word "Nebraska," which translates to "Land we slept through on the way to California or one of the states that are actually fucking interesting."
In 1860, just under 30,000 people lived in Nebraska. Today that number has increased by almost 14.
Unfortunately, Nebraska is only relevant during University of Nebraska football games, circa the 1990s. Which is to say, Nebraska is not, nor will it ever again be, relevant. There's some saying that when the Cornhuskers' football stadium fills up, it has the third-biggest population of any city in Nebraska. This is amazing, I know! I had no idea that two cities in this state were actually bigger than that.
There's a sizeable part of Nebraska where the population is "<1." Which is a nice way of saying that in Japan, there are places that are so overcrowded that people don't have space to live, but it sure beats living in Nebraska.
Nebraska's biggest industry is--surprise!--farming. This is partly because they have huge fucking areas where nobody fucking lives. So they build giant farms as a way of saying "naw, it's okay, we were gonna use that land anyway." Nebraska is sad and is trying to hide the fact that they really need you.
Believe it or not, Kool-Aid was invented in Nebraska. Which is a shock because there are no buildings, so there are no walls for the Kool-Aid man to burst through. Truly an unexpected product to come out of Nebraska.
The state slogan of Nebraska is "Possibilities... endless." This slogan was made while someone was looking at the land where <1 people live. They figured, hey, it's a bunch of land that no one's ever going to live on! We could literally do anything with it. Because there's never going to be any use for all this.
Maybe that should be the state slogan. "Nebraska. <1."
Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Nebraska. Nebraska sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.
By Adrian Wojnarowski and Dan Wetzel, Yahoo! Sports
The University of Connecticut violated NCAA rules in the recruitment of former guard Nate Miles, a six-month investigation by Yahoo! Sports has found.
Miles was provided with lodging, transportation, restaurant meals and representation by Josh Nochimson – a professional sports agent and former UConn student manager – between 2006 and 2008, according to multiple sources. As a representative of UConn’s athletic interests, Nochimson was prohibited by NCAA rules from having contact with Miles and from providing him with anything of value.
A UConn assistant coach said he made Nochimson aware of the Huskies’ recruitment of Miles. Later, the assistant coach said he knew that Nochimson and Miles had talked.
This is from a movie called "Top Secret!", first movie David Zucker wrote after "Airplane!" The Zucker release after "Top Secret!" was "The Naked Gun." Top Secret! is the middle child in the home of comedy. If you have not seen the movie, and are a fan of Zucker's other movies, you are missing out. Stop reading this, go buy/rent/download this movie right now.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
So if you're scoring at home, that's a $36 ticket with $17.50 of charges on top of it. Fuck you, Ticketmaster. Fuck you with a tire iron. I hate you.
And it's not like you can even get around it because tickets straight from Merriweather are $63, so Ticketmaster is a "bargain." But the way they do it is by basically starting off charging you a small amount, and then stomping on your face and charging you just because.
Seriously, a $4 processing fee? Why do they need $4 to process my request? I type in that I want the ticket, send them my credit card information, and then I print it out. It costs less to "process" my order when I get food or something (Which is a $1 charge if anything). Which takes more work, making a meal for me and driving it to my apartment or doing absolutely nothing as my credit card processes through online?
And on top of that, there's the $4.75 delivery fee, which is about as morally responsible as running over a preschool and having an orgy with the corpses. Do you understand they're charging a delivery fee because I chose the option where I print the ticket out online? What delivery is involved in this? For that much money I could ship myself in a box to Ticketmaster headquarters, jump out, and punch everyone there in their puppy-kicking nazi face. Seriously, what a bunch of soulless, chickenshit scumbags. If you work for Ticketmaster, do everyone on earth a favor and take a blowtorch to your empty fucking head.
And if that's not enough, there's the sickening $8.75 "convenience charge." Seriously, charging almost nine bucks for no particular reason is bad enough, but then they're basically calling us out by calling the damn thing a "convenience charge." They just love the irony. It's like they were sitting at their board meeting and one of the Hitler youth pipes up, "How about we tack on ten bucks and say it's a convenience charge?" And then they all cackle like banshees and stamp "APPROVED" on a bunch of papers before jerking each other off while watching the rape scene from Deliverance. If I was in a room with a Ticketmaster executive and bin Laden and I had one bullet... it's a trick question, bin Laden runs Ticketmaster. Shit in a bag and suffocate yourselves with it.
So they tack on a "convenience charge" for the "convenience" of using their horse shit web site that's already charged eight bucks, which is something exactly zero other businesses have ever done. I'd rather they just incorporate it in the fucking charge, but they do it just to be pricks. There is no other reason. Remember every asshole you went to high school with that tried to hook up with your girlfriend and bragged about how cool his car was? That fucker works for fucking Ticketmaster.
They also tried to get me to pay a $6 protection charge, or something, and at that point I threw a brick through my monitor, jumped out my window, bit the head off of a squirrel and used its blood as warpaint. Fuck you, Ticketmaster. Fuck you. Fuck you in your fucking face.
I'm going to come out with a post or two or three or something in a little bit. Make sure you vote in the best spring break ever bracket, which is directly on your right.
Here's a goat that sounds like a guy.
Am I the only person who thinks that this years tournament has been awfully boring? Don't get me wrong,I have still watched and enjoyed every second of Gus Johnson doing calls like this but there's no Cinderellas, no feel good stories (unless seeing Tyler Hansbrough get punched in the face for the fifteenth time makes you feels as good as it makes me feel), no Davidson, no Stephen Curry's hot mom being shown a hundred times bouncing her jugs up and down as her son facials opponents like Peter North. The best game by far was the Siena/Ohio State double overtime thriller, and thats about it.
Yet, two good things have come out of a first weekend filled with few upsets. Number one, almost everyones bracket is still pretty much intact, because nearly every 1-4 seed advanced.The only people that have suffered are the girls that have Binghamton in the elite 8 because the bear cat is just so darn cute (for the record, that thing is fucking adorable). For Christ sakes,7 people in my pool got 14 or more right and one was me who was retarded enough to take Wake Forest to the final four.
The second is that every single match up is going to be awesome this weekend, because of the amount of high caliber teams still alive. Just look at everyone of those games, and if you don't agree that Digger Phelps and his crew of flunkies wouldn't be there for College Game Day during the regular season, then you sir are a premature ejaculator and should watch this. Regardless of your cumming abilities, the action this weekend will make you jizz in your pants.
Here are some awards so far from the tournament:
MVP- Lazar Hawyard: You may remember him as the retard for Marquette who stepped on the line during an inbounds pass late in the game with Missouri up by two. Thanks to College basketballs version Dan Orlovsky, I still have three of my final four teams.
LVP: The jackass at CBS who switched away from the Wisconsin/Florida State as a potential game winning shot was mid air. Granted it missed, but you don't cut away from something like unless Jessica Biel is getting taken straight to Pound Town on the court of the other game
Stephen Curry Award For Player Who Looks like He's 14:
This goes to none other than Ryan Rossiter from Siena. He looks like he should be getting wedgies in Middle School from one of the O'Doyle brothers instead of playing in the Tournament
The Joe Flacco Award For Best/Worst Unibrow: Emanuel Mayben
What the fuck is that thing? It looks like he go too drunk, and his friends shaved their pubes and glued them to his face while he was passed out. Jesus Christ, that has got to be the worst uni brow I have ever seen. Buddy, there is no shame in shaving that thing, just please do it!
As always, enjoy the games bitches!
John on the AL East
Rob on the NL Central
John on the NL East
Rob on the AL Central
Nick on the AL West
Today Nick is going to wrap this up a month later. Sorry.
The NL West
Easily my least favorite division in the Majors, the NL West boasts five teams that play some of the most boring baseball I have ever seen. The Dodgers are the favorites to win the division but the other teams have some young talent who give them a fighting chance to keep the race close (with the exception of the Padres). Show me someone who cares about any of these teams (especially the Padres), and I will show you someone who hates their life.
Let’s get to the predictions:
The Diamondbacks are really the only team in the West that I semi-enjoy watching. With the solid pitching of Webb and Haren, the D-backs always have a shot to win games. They have some young hitting led by Justin Upton. I don’t have much else to say. If they still had Adam Dunn, I would pick them to win the NL West.
If I were a pitcher I would NEVER sign with the Rockies. It is where a pitching career goes to die. I am fully convinced that the Rockies will never win a World Series for this very reason. If the old adage about pitching and defense winning championships is true, the Rockies are royally fucked.
Los Angeles Dodgers
“That’s just Manny being Manny.” A statement that we will most certainly hear a million times this season. If Manny stays healthy, the Dodgers are the favorite to repeat as division champions, if he doesn’t, they will probably still win it. Los Angeles pisses me off because it is a city full of liberals and douche bags. This shows at their home games, as their fan base consists mostly of guys in suits who talk on their cell phone the whole time. When I see this on T.V. I wonder why Jack Bauer worked so hard to save that wretched city for so many years.
San Diego Padres
They suck. There is no way to sugarcoat it. They just flat out suck. The only time they really have a chance to win is when Peavy is on the mound and even then they usually lose 1-0. All of the people who say baseball is boring probably grew up watching the Padres.
San Francisco Giants
The Giants offense is about as horrible as the Padres offense but luckily their pitching isn’t nearly as bad. If I were the owner of the Giants I would bring Barry Bonds back for another season. There is no way it could back-fire. The city of San Francisco is the only place in America that doesn’t completely hate the man. He could provide a much needed pop to the lineup and who knows, maybe he could supply all of the shitty hitters on the Giants with steroids. If at first you don’t succeed, take steroids.
Dodgers (87 – 75)
Diamondbacks (84 – 78)
Rockies (76 – 86)
Giants (73 – 89)
Padres (51 – 111)
Monday, March 23, 2009
To all those people: Fuck you.
Greivis, if you're out there, do what you want to do. You don't owe the university another year. No college player does. For some reason, people don't want to treat you like a human being who has a family and a pile of bills just like every other human being. People want to treat you like you owe them something. You don't.
The argument is always that a kid needs an education to fall back on, but really it's people sticking their nose in other peoples' business. There are a bunch of kids playing college ball who could go play in the D-League or in Europe somewhere and get a paycheck and help their family out. Hell, I'm a junior right now, and I'd jump to the pros if I could, even though being a professional journalist won't earn me that much. How are we supposed to tell kids that can go to Europe and make six figures playing basketball that they're supposed to spend another year at school? Basketball won't always be there for them. They have to take advantage. It just makes sense. You would too if it was you.
If a kid thinks he can latch on with an NBA team, he's looking at seven figures. Now think about a kid playing college ball, who could play another year and help his draft stock and maybe make a lot more money down the road, or who could jump now and help his family out. Anyone who would argue that the kid should stay in school is forgetting that while the NBA can wait, the bills can't. The relatives that need medical care can't. The parents, the sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews. If you need the money and someone's offering it, you take it. Simple as that.
Steve Rushin, who was my favorite sports columnist growing up, wrote a piece one time on (I think) Al McGuire. And he said some kid jumped to the NBA from Marquette early, and this was during a time when nobody jumped early, so he got a lot of crap for it. The media came up and they asked Al, "What's the big idea? What is wrong with this kid?" And Rushin wrote something like, "Al said, 'I looked in my fridge and it was full. I looked in his fridge, and it was empty.'"
Kids can come back to college and finish their degrees. Sometimes they can't put a big salary on hold for a year. Because these kids are real people with real lives and they have to take care of theirs.
So if you've still got a problem with that, ask yourself: At 20 years old with a family to help, would you pass up the paycheck?
So I wrote a column for today, but I didn't think it was really awesome enough to go in the newspaper. So then I wrote another one at the last minute, which was slightly better.
That means that now I have a column just sitting around, and I figured that since I love the blog readers so much, here's my b-material. Hooray!
A little ditty titled "The Right to be Wrong":
In 1972, Luther Ingram made the song “(If Loving You is Wrong) I Don’t Want to Be Right” a hit. Almost 40 years later, there must be a lot of love, because there is a whole lot of wrong.
Probably one thing that bewilders me more than anything else is how wrong everyone is about everything all the time. If there’s one blanket word I could use to describe everyone in the world right now, it would be “wrong.” It’s just… not right.
Tons of people get paid for being wrong all the time. Like weathermen. Sorry, I mean weather people. Weather whatever, you all suck at your job. Even with the help of your evil DOPPLER 9000 TERMINATOR ROBOT SEX MACHINE, you still get everything wrong. But you’re not the only ones guilty.
Actors get paid to be wrong all the time too. Like, George Clooney gets paid to pretend he’s a con man who pulls bank heists and make speeches about how everyone in Hollywood is superior to normal people. He gets paid lots to do this. And if that isn’t the essence of wrong, I don’t know what is.
Or how about models? They’re paid to look all wrong, like they’re aliens that don’t get fed properly.
Politicians are paid to tell us why other politicians are wrong, but the catch is normally they’re right--but only because they’re all wrong.
Sports analysts are wrong on a minute-to-minute basis. When the brackets came out, one analyst had this to say about Maryland-California: “In the second round, Cal could be playing Coach Cal,” referring to Memphis coach Jim Calhoun. This man “analyzed” the game to show that it could create a future game where a coach and a team were referred to by the same abbreviation. This man was paid to say this.
Speaking of our basketball team, another large section of wrong people have turned out to be the ones who were calling for coach Gary Williams’ head this season. That is, until next year, when the team loses some game they shouldn’t or he misses out on some recruit again. Then they’re the people saying “I told you so.”
Sports are too easy because everyone gets to be wrong all the time. You can fail seven out of ten times in baseball and make the Hall of Fame. What about advertisers? These people who want us to give them our hard-earned dollars for their Slap Chops and Mighty Putties have to be right, right?
Wrong. They’re the wrongest of the wrong. Have you seen the Boost Mobile commercials about being “unwronged”? Like pigs eating ham, or a woman with footlong armpit hair. I feel wronged having to watch that commercial, why in the world would I think that was a good advertising gimmick? It’s just disgusting. Seriously, Boost Mobile, cut that out. It’s gross. For real guys, I’m not trying to be witty right now, those commercials are terrible.
And after printing this, I’m sure I’ll get a slew of grammatically challenged comments about just how wrong I am for writing, thinking, breathing, etc.
That’ll be my cue to exit, stage wrong.
Well, the WBC was fun. Jimmy Rollins provided all the offense in last night's game, which lead to some electric commentary from Joe Morgan. After watching Rollins cruise into 3rd for a stand up triple, Morgan reminded the audience that he was never fast in his playing days, but has played enough ball to recognize speed. Brilliant. Steve Phillips went on to comment on the absurdity of Rollins and noted Blazing With Phelps supporter David Wright playing for the same team. He compared the Phillies/Mets rivalry to that of the Red Sox/Yanks. By this logic, the only thing more blasphemous would be Yankees and Red Sox wearing the same uniform. Thank God that will never happen. ESPN needs to leave him in Omaha year round. Jon Miller and Steve Phillips then chose to argue over excuses for Team America's impending loss rather than actually give play-by-play for the 9th inning. Miller insisted it was due to America playing "Spring Training-like baseball." Phillips argued it was more "All-Star Game-esque baseball." This senseless gargling of America's balls and my increasing urdge to kill myself lead me to try a little autoerotic asphyxiation. It wasn't pleasant, but it beat watching the end of the game. We had a good run, we had fun, and nobody got hurt.
Tonight's Korea (the good one) v. Japan in baseball Mecca...Los Angeles? Really? Was Miller Park booked? I now care even less about this game. This doesn't even merit a meaningless prediction. Go banana!
In other news, 4. Sisqo appears to be making a late run to take down 1. Joe Francis in a first round upset. Knocking out my predicted winner of my own fictitious bracket would be yet another sign of the Rapture, but that all depends on 2. Jesus sticking around long enough to get around to it. He's currently holding a decisive lead on 3. Matt Jones. Voting closes Tuesday, get out there and be somebody!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Please vote, 'cause we like to feel like people actually read this site. We'll leave it up for some undisclosed amount of time, and you can find the polls to the right. Maybe Round 1 for a week or so. Who knows? Surely not me.
Anyways, school is starting back up for me this week, but updates are still going to be plentiful and you senses will be satisfied. So please keep checking back, as I promise we're going to finish up We're Aren't Experts this week, as well as throw down a bunch more Gr8St8H8Deb809s and you will feel good about yourself.
I suppose this could count as the "obligatory Sunday post" but whatever. I'd also like to thank all of the people who have come back and been supporting the site in droves lately. Coming soon: Blazing With Phelps on Facebook! (Er, even though we already sort of are on Facebook). And then, who knows? This Blazing With Phelps is some kind of something.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Yep, the people at ESPN's streak for the cash figure it's going to be close between UConn's margin of victory over Texas A&M and Memphis's margin of victory over Maryland. Which is pretty much the only reason they're going to play this game.
You're probably (not) wondering: Hey Rob, you like liveblogging. Are you going to liveblog this game? The answer, dear reader, is neigh. When you liveblog, you don't get to enjoy the game all that much because you're busy trying to make a new joke every two minutes while fending off some commenter named "Pinella's Pinata." It's much better from a fan's perspective to just watch.
So here's your preview, in the "we're aren't experts" vein:
I haven't seen Memphis play all year, but I keep all my old Sports Illustrateds and I have one from 2006, the "Where are they now?" edition. In it, they have a "Where will they be?" which spotlighted precocious young talent that will surely be awesome in the future. This included a 16-year-old Tyreke Evans.
Evans is now the scary monster that scores points for Memphis, and will be matched up on the Venuzuelan Vanguard of Vivacious Flirtatious Sensations, Greivis Vasquez, who is very emotional. This will surely be an important matchup.
On the other hand, Maryland is very streaky and can beat anyone in the country, as well as lose to anyone in the country. One thing helping Maryland is that Memphis doesn't have an overabundance of size, which means more pesky rebounds from Sugar Sean Mosley. In the end though, Memphis really outclasses us. But will they show up? Because if it wasn't for an unheralded man named Sallie, we'd be playing a 15-seed right now.
I don't think I'm going to throw a score out there because of bad karma. So I'll leave it to Mr. T.
My buddy Keith is in an entrepreneurship class up here at Penn State where he needed to do a project where the requirement was to do something that benefited society. Since he has no intelligence or morals, he came up with the video above. I think it's hilarious, but I doubt his stuck up liberal teacher will think otherwise. Let me know if you think he should pass, or get a gentleman's F.
Friday, March 20, 2009
I spent today wandering around getting doctors to look at my knee, which probably has some kind of sprain, because this is what happens when unathletic people try to be athletic. It's obvious when we don't belong.
Anyways, I wanted to throw down another Great State etc., so I'm a-gonna do that. But I also have to write a column for my actual sort of journalism "job" or whatever for Monday. So... good thing it's a Friday night with nothing to do, right?
Crap, now I have to add a "lonely emo saga" tag to this post.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
DAKAR, Senegal (AP) -- Authorities in Gambia have rounded up about 1,000 people and forced them to drink hallucinogens in a witch-hunting campaign that is terrorizing the tiny West African nation, an international rights group said Wednesday.
Amnesty International called on the government of President Yahya Jammeh, who seized power in a 1994 coup and has claimed he can cure AIDS, to halt the campaign and bring those responsible to justice.
Gambian officials could not immediately be reached for comment and the government has issued no statements in reaction to the report.
Authorities began inviting "witch doctors," who combat witches, to come from nearby Guinea soon after the death earlier this year of the president's aunt. Jammeh "reportedly believes that witchcraft was used in her death," the London-based rights group said.
Im sick of Amnesty Interantional running their pussy mouths telling President Jameh what to do. He's got an witch problem, and an AIDS problem, and he's trying his damn hardest to solve them and make Gambia a better place. What do they want him to do, let these witches run around killing his aunts and uncles like it's fucking Salem Massachusetts, and allow AIDS to wipe out the rest? No, they put Jameh Majic Johnson in office to cure AIDS and wipe out the hocus pocus crew, and I can't believe Amnesty International has the audacity to tell them to knock it off. If they had their way, Gambia would look like the Thriller music video.
Views on the liveblog for a couple hours today: 3,856
So, er, thanks. If you happened to enjoy what you read. As for me, I'm going to eat something and take a shower and maybe get outside for a few minutes, but coming later tonight we're going to do a few posts here, so check back for them if my writing style doesn't make you puke or anything.
This is a blog named "Blazing With Phelps" that isn't particularly about blazing or Phelps. Things we have going on right now you can see in the links to the top right. If you like them, stay and read awhile! If you hate them, so do I! Who do these people think they are?!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
While you were busy being a pussy and only picking like, two upsets... sir, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington, Florida
In honor of the Terrapins' tilt with the Cal Bears tomorrow, we're going to look at the filthy liberal state of California today.
California, despite being probably the worst state in the union, has arguably one of its best flags. Yes, that is a super-badass bear ready to crush some people. I mean, look at the detail on that thing. It's fucking ferocious. There's a state flag you can set your watch to. Is it really that hard? I'm looking at you, Arkansas.
California is well-known for cities such as Los Angeles, which is apparently the only city in California because everyone from there refers to themselves as being from Los Angeles, even the Anaheim Angels.
Unfortunately, the flag is probably the only thing cool about California. Everyone there considers themselves a better person than anyone in the rest of the country because they are more "progressive." They hold the Academy Awards every year to give two-minute speeches on why Hollywood is the best place ever and everyone there is a hero. Apparently, they've also begun to hand out awards for movies there, but I'll have to fact-check that.
California is also famous for the large amount of its residents that live "alternative lifestyles." Maybe these people are wrong and offending God, while leading this country to its ultimate doom, but I don't know. I think they have a right to believe and do what they want to believe and do, even if it's disgusting and horrifying to me and I wouldn't want my children in a room with these people. I'm talking of course about liberals.
Rap music gained a lot of steam in California, especially in the city of Compton. If you're white and have played GTA: San Andreas, you basically understand the plight of the black man in California about 25 years ago. It must have been tough flying those planes around and blowing up crack factories, but somehow they made it through.
Gangs are a big problem in California. There's the Bloods, the Crips and the Latin Kings. One of them tried to recruit me because I'm pretty good with a bowstaff.
California is home to many prestigious public universities that pay athletes under the table, such as Cal-Berkley, Southern California, and University of California-Los Angeles. This past football season, I got to see a lot of the Cal Bears in person and I like what I saw, including Jahvid Best's pregame meal.
Everyone who goes to California does it to "make it big," only to wind up in either "Disney on Ice" or waiting tables hoping to slip a screenplay to someone that matters. Or at least that's what I saw on Entourage or something. Every TV show and movie is about this state. In an unrelated note, TV and movies suck. Draw your own conclusions.
San Francisco is famous for its windy streets. There's a joke in here about San Francisco and not being straight, but it's yours to make. That "windy" was like, wind-ie. Not like windy. Agh, stupid words that can be pronounced two different ways. This is California's fault too.
Have you ever seen the commercial for "Visit California"? It's just a bunch of stupid actors using puns about how much their jobs rule. Like skateboarders going "We have tons of BOARD meetings!!!" and people at Disneyland going "Everyone's a bunch of CHARACTERS!!!" God, just die already. Wait, you mean if I move to California I'll be rich and famous? Oh wait, I covered that two paragraphs ago. Fuck yourself, California. Fuck yourself good and hard.
Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of California. California sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.
St. Patrick's Day has come and gone. And there was much rejoicing in the form of green beer. I'm ready to do this damn thing. I have a lot of money riding on this bracket. This works out very well for me, considering I made up this tournament. Get your brackets and popcorn ready, because inebriation is about to predict who had the Best Spring Break in the History of Hyperbole 09. Drink! Prediction!
Nova Scotia Region:
1. Joe Francis v. 4. Sisqo: Thong Or No Thong?
That is the question. It is a question of age. Much like the 8th graders on MILF Island, everyone can agree with the "let me see that thong" mantra. But is that really enough? Girls Gone Wild offered some full on naked chicks! Holy Cow! Joe has the advantage of offering full on frontal before The Thong Song even existed. I think back to YTK. Contemplating the match up while popping zits and getting used to my new voice in the mirror, I would have to take 1. Joe Francis over 4. Sisqo.
2. Jesus v. 3 Matt Jones: The Bible or the Bible Belt?
I previously wrote that Jesus will smite me due to repeated blasphemy. After writing that, I looked in the mirror and realized I had somehow managed to contract pink eye. I saw my face and I'm a believer. Matt Jones, please kill yourself. 2. Jesus over 3. Matt Jones.
1. Joe Francis v. 2. Jesus: Show Your Tits or Crucifix?
Joe Francis ushered puberty to the late Regan year kids, Jesus ushered in a whole new religion, and football in the groin had a football in the groin. Jesus died for our sins, but Joe Francis let loose a whole new wave of sin. Using Satan's logic in the South Park Movie, without evil there can be no good so it must be good to be evil sometimes. 1. Joe Francis over 2. Jesus.
1. Roman Polanski v. 4. David Hasselhoff: Drug Induced Comedy or Drug Induced Rape?
I've been told timing is everything in comedy. I obviously seem to think outside the box on that one, primarily based on my love for Taco Bell. In any case, apparently that is a rule. Hasselhoff had the benefit of the You Tube. Roman Polanski drugged and raped a 13 year old girl, unfortunately before You Tube. To put them on even par, I will equate them both to Facebook. I would say "Twitter," but I don't know what the hell that is. Which status would you rather see? "David Hasselthehoff is OMG I was sooo wasted last night, but I loves Wendys! ;-) about 17 minutes ago" or "Roman Polanski is forever grateful for Jack Nicholson for letting me drug and rape that bitch in his shack about 10 minutes ago. Roman Polanski added France to Places I've been about 2 seconds ago." This may be the smiting talking, it might and probably be the beer talking, but I'd add Polanski before Hasselhoff as a friend. Speaking of which, Chief Kickingstalionsims has yet to accept my friend request. Cheif, please accept me when you read this. 1. Polanski over 4. Hoff.
3. Chris Berman v. 2. Donte Stallworth: The Scumbag Or the Body Bag?
I was not surprised when I first heard the story of leather and the sexual prowl of Berman. I'm sure her dress size went back, back, back when he was gone. A cheap and easy pun for a cheap an easy broadcaster, or should I say BROD-caster? Hey-O! ESPN, can I get the actual wording of the grandfather clause in your constitution? Does Berman count as 3/5 of an anchor? And as I tap the breaks, 2. Stallworth over 3. Berman by default. The amount of brain cells in the guy Stallworth killed is far less than the brain cells damaged by Berman (hands) across America. Fuck, yeah!
Regional Final: Hit It and Run or Hit It?
I'd hold the Spring Break I got some over the Spring Break some guy hit my car with his body. 1. Polanksi over 4. Stallworth.
1. Pope John Paul XII v. 4. Habib Marwan: Should Have Not Existed or Never Existed?
Holy incest and terrorism. On a technicality, Il Papa was not on Spring Break when he fucked his mother, but the fact he did it year round made me throw his semen in the ring. I'm Catholic, so I should be inclined to blindly follow the Pope, but come on. Concurrently, the issue of me being smitten has reaffirmed my faith, though I feel that the more I piss off my Lord and Savior, the greater my chances of being court side in Hell. As for Marwan, 24 is fucking awesome. 24 is awesome because of Jack Bauer. Jack Bauer killed Marwan. If Jack Bauer is awesome, he must be the good. Belief in Jesus is also good. So, if Jesus has smitten me, he must have smitten Marwan. This puts Marwan in the same section as me. I have never been court side, and my first time might as well be with someone with whom I can associate, even if they are matter of fiction. Assuming Heaven and Hell are also fiction, I could see myself and Marwan heckling Kobe. Assuming Heaven and Hell do exist, Johnny gets court side seats, but I can throw popcorn on him. Selfishness and recognition of fate leaves 4. Marwan over 1. Pope John XI.
2. Rinaldo v. 3. Karl Malone: Pay For Transvestites or Not Pay For Your Kids?
This is a matter of Best Spring Break, not morals. That being the case, would I rather bang a 13 year old girl or be extorted by 2 transvestites. Decisions, decisions. WWJD? Oh, yeah...that. It's a coin flip. Be in the debacle of extortion by tranny which implies having a sizable net worth, or realizing my future net worth and get a little bit, and refuse to lose net worth. Since I'm not given the beginning common stock in this equation, I'd have to rely on the the urges of the moment. Ronaldo had money to lose in his situation, Malone had a scholarship to lose. Money is money, and scholarship is the deferral of money. I'd have to say 3. Malone over 2. Rinaldo.
3. Malone v. 4. Marwan: 32 or 24?
Malone could go back home and tell his scattered illegitimate children that he got his ass whooped by Jordan. Marwan died at the hands of Jack Bauer. Survival goes to 3. Malone over 4. Marwan.
1. Rodney Kind Cops v. 4. Leprechaun: Which Would Be More Believable in Court?
Both are based on videos, yet neither are believable. However, the cops were acquitted, and the gold toothed gentleman said he seen the Leprechaun. This just mean the videos are credible. Spring Break commonly involves laughter, yet at times involves structure fires. Laughter can be generated by anything, but an event to inspire riots and a Sublime song will unfortunately never happen again. 1. Cops over 4. Leprechaun.
2. Mike Schmidt v. 3. Cedric Benson: Who Was More On a Boat?
One man's bitter arrest story is his buddy's awesome getting away story. Benson was on a boat on his ordinary free time. Schmidt was on a boat on his own time, or "house money" as SportsCenter would say all the fucking time. Benson was Tarazed, Schmidt won the MVP. Benson was with his fiance, Schmidt was with Tug McGraw, father of Tim McGraw (no relation). Look at me, Poseidon! 2. Schmidt over 3. Benson.
1. Cops v. 1. Schmidt: Laying a Beat Or Throwing the Heat?
The MLB awards 2 MVP awards per year. Beat downs by cops caught on tape are once in an overused expression. 1. Cops over 2. Schmidt. And to answer your question, Mr. Nowell, I was in Kindergarten in Indianapolis on April 26, 1992. I'm sorry I couldn't be there.
Final Four: Ontario
1. Joe Francis v. 1. Roman Polanski: Barely Legal or Illegal?
Roman Polanski is on a permanent Spring Break, so my first tendency leans toward him. However, Polanski's though shrewd, is entirely selfish. Joe Francis' Spring Break brought the abstraction of Spring Break to a whole generation. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Therefore, I'd take 1. Joe Francis v. 1. Roman Polanski.
3. Karl Malone v. 1. Cops: Play On a Court or Win In a Courtroom?
I'd really love to know what these guys are up to today. This match up features not only the neglectful parent image of the NBA star, but the racist stigma of the LAPD. Both seemed to make a clean get away from the American justice system. 3 more cheers, we are up to 12 now! Spring Break appeals to both fornication and violence. Honestly, the only way this match up would be more difficult to call would be if the cops had beaten Karl Malone instead of Rodney King. Malone is just one example of many dead beat fathers, but the Cops did something unique. 1. Cops over 3. Karl Malone.
1. Joe Francis v. 1. Cops
This is pretty clear cut. Joe Francis' Spring Break is far more universal than the Cops beating a man. The Cops had a good run, but Joe Francis is Spring Break. 1. Joe Francis over 1. Cops.
There ya go...brilliant, logical, drunken analysis for a brilliant, irrational, drunken Spring Break bracket. We're going to get a vote counter going, more details will follow in the next few days. Just another bracket to mull over while you ignore life for a We're here to distract, no need to thank us.
Anyways, that brings me to Live Blog II: Blogger and Liver. Except this time, I got into contact with the guy who I stole the little-pictures-with-the-score idea from (Matt Sussman) and now I'm going to be liveblogging Maryland-Cal for Deadspin. This requires a small jump from a web site that received 80 visits yesterday to a web site that received just under 530,000. So... I'm horrified.
I'll plug BWP at least once while trying to remain witty and insightful. So like, if 1 percent of their readership stumbles upon this site... we'll have to call Thursday "Outlier Day."
Yesterday (by which I mean Tuesday) was extremely successful for BWP. We're going to keep the momentum going tomorrow and for the rest of this week and beyond. So thanks for somehow sticking with us for the first month (PS: This is the 31st day of BWP) and reading all our random crap. It's been an awesome for me especially and hopefully we can continue to grow the brand name for all you out there in internet land.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Addendum from Rob: I wanted to post about the WBC as well but obvs John beat me to it. That was face-punchingly awesome. Also, will someone explain to me why J.C. Romero was allowed to pitch after failing a drug test? The announcer said it was because he tested positive during a non-WBC test, so he gets suspended from MLB for 50 games while still being able to pitch in the Classic. Why is this fair? Even still though, it was funny hearing the announcers (The exceedingly likeable team of HR, Al Leiter and Matt Vasgersian--is it that fucking hard, Fox and ESPN?) talk about Romero's "power curve" and "intensity."
But I digress. After Roid Rage Romero got out of the game, B-Rob hit a s-ingle and J-Roll drew a w-alk. Can we start coming up with nicknames that arent just the first initial of the first name and the first syllable of the last name please? Some people have awesome nicknames (Curtis "Baby Grand" Granderson, Lance "Big Puma" Berkman, Roy "Doc" Halladay) and exactly zero of these awesome nicknames are the default Letter-Syllable. Somewhere, someone tried to call Curtis Granderson C-Grand, I'd bet. And it's horrible. Just horrible.
Anyways, back to the game. The win means we've reached the semifinals (and clinched a better finish than the dismal '06 campaign) where we'll meet two of Cuba, Korea and Japan (one of the latter two punches its ticket tonight, then the other two meet and the winner of that game advances. If there is a tie, sack races will be held on consecutive Sundays to determine a champion).
I hope you're enjoying the last 33 minutes of St. Patrick's day, because afterwards you're just an alcoholic.
While you were busy doing whatever the fuck this is, you missed: New York, Montana, Mississippi, Washington
Today we're going to take a look at a horrible state called Florida.
Florida. Land of a billion old Jewish people and the cokehead NFL players that run over them in cars. What a hilariously awful state this is.
Florida is a funny little state that is still technically owned by America, even though everyone there considers themselves Hispanic. Or Latino. One of these words is how we're supposed to refer to that group of people and the other one is apparently a horrible racial epithet. So choose the one that isn't racist. Or the one that is. Whatever.
In terms of horrible things happening, Florida is the Kevin Bacon of states, because every terrible mishap can be traced back to them in six degrees or less. Like, let's say for instance, Hurricane Katrina. That's Florida's fault. Speaking of Hurricanes, the University of Miami's mascot is the Hurricane, but the guy in the costume is a weird, probably perverted duck. His signature move is grabbing his upper bill in one hand and his lower bill in the other hand and twisting them away from each other. This seems like self-mutilation, but apparently intimidates opponents. Or not, because Miami football sucks now.
Girls at Florida State look like this. Girls at Maryland look like this. Maybe I should stop hating on Florida.
In 2000, Florida was the focus of a voting controversy when some county full of old people didn't punch their ballots in right, or something. Liberals need to let this one go because as much as you hate W, there is no way Al Gore could have been better. Absolutely no way. This is a hidden fun fact of the past eight years: While every liberal was griping about how terrible Bush was, the best two candidates they could muster were Gore and John Kerry. So next time you want to complain, try to muster up a candidate that isn't half retarded. Or in Kerry's case, fully retarded.
The state flag of Florida is basically a warning message: The red "X" signifies them saying, "Please don't fucking come here, it's such a God-awful place where everyone's an idiot and no one knows how to vote for president. Our Hurricane mascot is a duck, there's more cocaine here than even Tony Montana could sniff and we actually force a professional baseball team to play here."
Florida is also home to Disney World, which contains the horrifying "It's a Small World" ride. The ride is supposed to be about friendship or something, but contains subtle messages that terrified me as an 11-year old, such as a sad clown hanging out of a hot air balloon with a sign that said "HELP ME." That scared the fuck out of me. Florida can go screw itself, dude.
Is there a way we could trade Florida to Spain or something? Maybe we could trade Florida and a city to be named later for the rights to siestas and a first-round pick during the next Crusades. I think that's fair all around.
The two main exports of Florida are orange juice and hot people. The two main imports are cocaine and old people. Fair.
Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Florida. Florida sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.
This must be the second-best non-basketball bracket in the world, after Name of the Year. So print it out, or not, because it's not a real competition.
Can't remember why these are so gosh darn funny? Either scroll down, or if you're really lazy, click this.
Here's your bracket:
(click for larger)
Yep, this is madness. What? Basketball? Oh, I was talking about that sweet ass picture. But now that you mention it, it's finally that time of year again. And there was much rejoicing.
Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, bullshit predictions, Big East this, ACC that, "Cinderella," choose words carefully to cover my ass when my bracket goes to hell, aaaaaaand Champion Pick: Radford
Well, that bracket was fun, let's do another. Crazy shit has been happening in Florida lately, which got me thinking...hows aboot 16 players, one of whom has had the Best Spring Break in the History of Hyperbole 2009? No? Well fuck you, I'm writing it anyway.
The Criteria: The working definition of an event occurring during "Spring Break" will be: Anything that happens in March, April, or May, regardless of hemisphere, in a warm weather environment. This event must be influenced by drugs and alcohol and/or be totally bad ass or monumentally stupid. Simple enough. The only true way to pick a winner is to be empathetic to those in the tournament. In other words, tonight, after properly celebrating St. Patrick's Day, I will use my legendary piss-drunken logic to determine how the match-ups play out.
And she's buying a stairway to the Sheboygan Region:
1. Joe Francis, 1999, Wherever the party took him
Visionary. Pioneer. Joesph R Francis is the mastermind behind Girls Gone Wild. His brilliant psychological and social commentary on alcohol and the affect on the 18-24 year old female will be studied by scholars throughout the ages. So simple, so elegant, so college.
2. Jesus H. Christ, c. 30 C.E, Golgatha and...uhh...Heaven? What did he do those 3 days he was dead, anyway?
Died for our sins, rose from dead 3 days later, smote John for repeated blasphemy.
3. Matt Jones, 2009, Arkansas
Matt Jones was picked up for cocaine (which is surprising considering backwoods trash like he usually stick to their crystal meth) back in 2008. He was arrested on March 9, 2009, for drinking some beers on a golf course. This was a violation of his parole...the golfing part, that is. The drinking was fine, but the gentleman's sport of golf has no business being played by any "American" from Our-Kansas. I can't help but picture Matt Jones pulling the Randy Marsh "I thought this was America" after being arrested.
4. Sisqo, 2000, Miami
Oh, that? That's the money you could be saving with the Nova Scotia Region:
1. Roman Polanski, 1977, Los Angeles
Polanski's home was the site of the Manson Family Murders in 1969. His wife and unborn son were among the victims. Pretty heavy stuff to say the least, but not enough to stop the director from living the dream. In 1977, he invited a 13 year old model to a photo shoot. During this shoot, Polanski offered the girl drugged champagne. Her mind said no, but the quaaludes said yes. Polanski stuck it in every orphus, despite the fact the model was conscious and remembered all of it. After a trial, a plea bargain was reached that allowed Polanski to travel abroad during a 90 day grace period before an ordered 90 day psychiatric evaluation. He fled to France, where he held citizenship, and has not returned to the United States since. 3 cheers for the American legal system!
2. Donte Stallworth, 2009, Miami
Ah, yes. Some asshole on his way home from work was trying to walk across Stallworth's lane. Stallworth remained cool and calm, and handled the situation by the book, flashing his high beams and honking his horn a few times. The man crossing the road was obviously at fault in this one. Someone should have told him to stay out of the no zone.
3. Chris Berman, Early 1990s, Scottsdale
Take it away, Deadspin!
4. David Hasselhoff, 2007, Las Vegas
What happens in Vegas, stays on You Tube
They were gonna pay me 500 bucks and I said no you won't, you're gonna give me that Kiev Region:
1. Pope John XII, 955, Rome
The overall Number 1 seed. Ohhh boy, this one is rough. First off, most reports on this guy stop with words not usually associated with a Papal reign, such as "immoral" and "debauchery." That is because some things are better left unsaid. It's a good thing I'm typing. John XII just loved everything about sex. Orgies. All the time. In the halls of St. John Lateran. Think of the craziest place you have had, or have heard any one have sex, no matter how implausible it may seem. You got it? Pope John XII beats that story. Have you ever heard of anyone banging someone on on the tombs of St. Peter or St. Paul? Yeah. He had sex with girls, women, boys, men, Boyz II Men, everyone. No, really. EVERYONE. Pope John XII is probably the only holy person who you could call a mother fucker...cause I mean...that happened. A lot. Wow. I need to shower. You should too. Daaaaamn the old country musta been fuuucked up!
2. Ronaldo, 2008, Rio de Jenerio
We've all been there. You're in Rio, having a good time. Your girlfriend drops you off at the hotel, but you aren't ready to call it a night just yet. You have 2 options: You can either invite your girlfriend up for some sexy time, or you can raw-dog three prostitutes. Basic math tells you 3 is better than 1, so you go for it. Then the whores come by, turn out to be men, try and extort money because you're an international soccer superstar. Standard, really. The same thing happened to me except I didn't have that internet money when the transvestites showed up, so I just went with the flow.
3. Karl Malone, 1984, Louisiana
On May 3, 1984, a boy Demetrius Bell was born. He is now playing for the Buffalo Bills. This makes sense, he has athleticism in his blood. His father is Karl Malone, who was 17 at the time of his birth. His mother, Gloria Bell? Yeah...she was 13. Karl Malone also fathered twins, including former WNBA Rookie of the Year Cheryl Ford, but the mother was 17 so it's nearly as frat. Oh, and Karl doesn't recognize these people as his children, which is the deadbeat father/statutory rapist equivalent of "if I can't see you, you can't see me." But hey, he played in Utah, so the polygamists didn't exactly have leverage in lawful relationships.
4. Habib Marwan, 2005, somewhere over the desert.
Marwan successfully brought down Air Force One in an attempt to steal the nuclear football, and spawned a solid calendar year of us and our friends answering every phone call with "This is Marwan." A solid Spring Break for someone whose path would eventually cross with Jack Bauer, so obviously he didn't have long to live afterwards. Seriously, does everyone on 24 forget from year to year that Jack has saved the country singlehandedly about 13 times? How does he not get immunity? This doesn't make sense. And since Elisha Cuthbert is too big for the show now, they have to write it in that she "can't even look at Jack any more," even though he's a God damn hero. Really?
My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not the Reykjavik Region:
1. The Cops Who Beat Rodney King, 1991, Los Angeles
Whoaaaa Nelly. Okay. You know all know the story. These cops beat the living hell out of Rodney King, were caught on video tape, went to trial, and were found not guilty. Riots ensued. I managed to obtain a first hand account of these riots from Brad Nowell. According to Nowell, there were "Riots on the streets of Miami, riots on the streets of Chicago, on the streets of Long Beach, and San Francisco, riots on the streets of Kansas City, Tuscalusa, Alabama, Cleveland, Ohio, Fountain Valley, Paramount, Victorville, Eugene, Oregon, Eureka, California, Hesperia, Santa Barbara, Nevada, Phoenix, Arizona, San Diego, Lakeland, Florida, and fucking 29 palms." "Wontcha let it burn," added Nowell. Another 3 cheers for the American justice system!
2. Mike Schmidt, 1981, off the coast of Florida
In 1981, baseball players went on strike over Spring Training. So instead of getting reps, Schmidt lived on a houseboat all Spring and drank with Tug McGraw. Obviously it would have done him much better to be swinging a bat all month instead of swilling a beer: He hit .316 with 31 homers and 91 in 102 games and won his second straight MVP.
3. Cedric Benson, 2008, Austin
The Lonely Island has nothing on Cedric Benson. Benson not only managed to get a DUI while on a boat despite an "aced" field (is it still a field test if you are on water?) test, but was also pepper sprayed for no good reason. Of course, it's hard to find a "good reason" to have pepper sprayed into your eye. Also, has anyone ever operated a boat sober? I'm not just talking motor boats, I mean in world history. The best part was even though the charges were cleared, Benson was ordered by a Judge to have a breathalyzer installed on his car. On his car....after being drunk on a boat. Yet another 3 cheers for the American justice system! That makes 9 cheers, for those playing the home game. Drink! Viva El Benson!
4. The Leprechaun, 2006, Mobile, Alabama
Or was it just a crackhead that got a hold of the wrong stuff?
So there you have it. 16 of the best spring breaks ever. I'm off to drink as if I was Irish. Later, I'll thoroughly, albeit drunkenly, dissect this field of 16 and determine who truly had the best spring break ever. I can tell you right now that it won't be me. Aside from the fact I'm not on the bracket, I woke up this St. Patrick's day with pink eye. Best Spring Break Ever!
Michael Steele, the GOP Chairman wants to give the Republican party a new look that will appeal to men, women, minorities, and especially Vern Troyers amputated brother:
In the GQ interview, Steele said he was opposed to gay marriage but wasn't going to "beat people upside the head about it."Steele, a Catholic and former Maryland lieutenant governor, was elected chairman of the National Republican Committee nearly six weeks ago.Since then, Steele has compared Republicans to alcoholics on a 12-step program and called Rush Limbaugh "incendiary and ugly," though he has apologized to the conservative radio host. Steele has also promised to give the party a "hip-hop makeover" that would be "off the hook" and would attract even "one-armed midgets." AP
This is exactly the kind of thinking the Republican party needs to get back to the white house and Congress. I don't understand why they didn't attempt to attract one-armed, hip-hop loving midgets in the first place, because if they did, McCain would be beat boxing with Mini-Me and Oompa Loompas in the Oval Office right now. If they had gotten midgets that look like Sarah Palin and John McCain to do some of their speeches just to confuse voters into thinking that they were actually running, it would've have been a land slide.
After looking at the bracket for a little bit yesterday, I realized that this could very well be the most fucked up March Madness in quite some time. Last year, we had four teams that were far superior to anyone else, and almost everything worked out accordingly. This year, the top seed Louisville was not even that large of a threat for a No. 1 seed about two weeks ago, and is now the top seed in the entire tournament. UCONN is erratic as all hell, UNC has a huge question mark with the health of Ty Lawson, and Pitt has about as much success in March as General Custer has at Little Big Horn. Im almost guaranteeing that at least one of these no.1 seeds falls in the second round. That's only one of the many secrets you will find only at BWP that will ultimately bring you success in filling out your horrendous bracket.
1. Duke is winning it all this year:
- It pains me to say that, because I have more hate in my body for Duke than I have STDs, but I have watched them play several times this year, and they have that scrappy, ugliest players alive swagger that they had when they were dominant. Their bracket is fairly easy, and have peaked at the right moment.
- If you have anyone who looks like this in your office pool, you might as well kiss your money goodbye right now, because like I said, it's going to be one of those years where everyones bracket will be over by this weekend, unless you pick teams without any reasonable thought process whatsoever. For example, my buddy Chet does a pool, where his mom picks solely by a teams mascot. Im going to take a guess that she goes with Syracuse, because there is nothing in this world that women like more than a fuzzy, gay orange named Otto
3. An 8 or 9 seed is going to beat a number one:
- The number one seeds are shakier than Michael J. Fox (too soon?) and one of them will show their true colors by the second round. My guess is Tennessee over Pitt. They score a lot of points, have a tourney tested team led by Wayne Chism, and haven't gotten respect all year. All the ingredients of an upset.
- Drop little hints here and there about schools to your friends to confuse them. "You hear that so and so just knocked his girlfriend up and threatened to kill her and the baby?" "Apparently Jim Calhoun had sex with Geno Auriema, and there's a sex tape rumor." "Tyler Hansborough apparently does more coke than Tony Montana, and he's been forced to suck dick to maintain his drug fix" Any of these will do.
- I have never won one of these things, and dont plan on it this year either. I'm really not sure why I continue to waste my time and money on something I will never win. Oh yeah, that's right, I'm degenerate gambler with no life. Enjoy the madness bitches!