Monday, February 23, 2009

We're Aren't Experts: The AL Central

Ed. note: This is the fourth installment of the BWP exclusive baseball preview. If you're new to fight club, you have to fight, and also you've missed the following:

John declares the AL East the only division that matters.

Rob insults the state of Wisconsin in the NL Central preview.
John takes a look at the NL East and uses the word "Jesuser."

On deck (baseball term lol) is Rob with the AL Central. Coming soon is Greg on the western divisions, followed by our playoff predictions and fearless championship picks.

The AL Central is a very interesting division. I say this because I know nothing about it. Who won this division last year? The White Sox? Good for them. Actually, this division is really good. Compared to other divisions. Really ever since people stopped juicing, they're not so good at baseball any more.

The AL Central is home to four baseball teams and the Royals. Cleveland and Chicago should be good, Detroit spends more money than everyone else even though they suck, and the other team is Minnesota.

Kansas City Royals. Before we were born, this team was not only good, not only relevant, but they actually won a championship! How crazy is that? Kansas City! They used to be good! They have Alex Gordon playing third base, which would be great if third base was a position where you get points for not realizing your potential. Unfortunately it works like everything else in baseball. Also, beyond Gilga Meche I can't name a single guy in their pitching rotation. They make the Brewers look like the late-70s Orioles.

(They had four 20-game winners. We used to be relevant too.)

Anyways the point is that Kansas City is terrible and all their players suck. I can't name anyone else besides Gordon in their infield and I'm a baseball nerd. Jesus, this team is in disrepair. They are a nonfactor.

Detroit Tigers. They spent about two billion dollars last year to finish in last place, even behind the Royals, which is no small feat. Maybe they did it to set up a Rays-like worst-to-first run this year and become America's darlings. Maybe they did it because they are bad at baseball. All I know is that between Justin Verlander, Gary Sheffield, and probably other people on the team that I don't know, a lot of these guys used to be pretty good. Oh, and Joel Zumaya, who was supposed to be some flamethrower but then hurt himself playing Guitar Hero. You know, that makes me feel great. I'm awesome at Guitar Hero, yet a millionaire major league athlete can't even do it without crucially injuring himself. That's great for the old self-esteem.

Anyways, Todd Jones retired last year or something so that has to make this team better. Also, they have Curtis "Baby Grand" Granderson, which is a solid nickname. Everyone else on the team sucks though.

Minnesota Twins. The Little Engine That Could. They pay their players in used tennis shoes and beer and yet they still field a competitive team every year. Homegrown hero Joe Mauer, country-strong (even if that country is Canada) Justin Morneau, and more pitchers than you could shake a stick at. Coincidentally, many batters attempt to swing sticks at these pitchers and miss. This is part of what makes their pitching staff good.

But this year it seems like they lack the talent to make a huge splash, especially in a pretty competitive division. I still think they have a lot of good pieces in place and... oh sorry, too much analysis. Uhh, the Metrodome is a piece of shit.

Cleveland Racist Mascots. Hey-ah ho-yah hey-ah ho-yah!!!!! Thanks for Albert Belle, you fuckheads. Remember when Cleveland and Baltimore was an awesome rivalry? That was a lot of fun. Now they've got a few guys who may or may not rebound, Pronk! and Victor Martinez. They also have uberstud Grady Sizemore and unbelievable Cy Young winner Cliff Lee. There's a lot to like about Cleveland. Unless you look at their racist mascot. Hey-ah ho-yah hey-ah ho-yah!!!!

Chicago White Sox. I can't get behind a team that spells its name like a 13 year old girl on AOL. "LOL did u c the wite sox play 2dai?" I like Carlos Quentin and... uhhh... Mark Buehrle. This team is almost exactly like the Cubs. They play well and win their division but I can't figure out how or why. I don't like anybody on their team.

After looking at a roster, the pitching was downright shocking last year. Gavin Floyd and John Danks? Who saw that coming? Jermaine Dye and Paul Konerko are nice too. Whatever.

Standings prediction that will most certainly come exactly true:

1. Chicago (91-71)
2. Minnesota (89-73)
3. Cleveland (85-77)
4. Detroit (80-82)
5. Kansas City (Is it possible to have negative wins?)

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