Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: New York

Ed. note: This is the first in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

Today we get to better know the Empire State, New York.

New York is a state where people go hoping to make it big, only they never do and they end up in back alleys smoking crack cocaine and playing dice. But boy, can they play dice!

New York was founded in 1743 by Henry Hudson York, who hated his old place of residence, York, Pa., and decided to carve out a new part of the map. Unfortunately the new York never lived up to the old York, and has yet to even build a weightlifting hall of fame. Thus, New York in modern times is an afterthought that no one ever talks way too much about.

New York has two football teams, both located in New Jersey. They also have an actual New York football team. This team is the Buffalo Bills, who play in Toronto.

This is the flag of New York:

Excelsior? New York's state flag was designed, apparently, by Al Gore.

New York City is called "the city that never sleeps" because if anyone falls asleep, they are robbed immediately. Sleeping is not advised in the city, but plently of bums on the subway do it anyways. New York City has the bravest bums in the world.

New York is also home to West Point, home of the United States Military Academy, which is a prank on our enemies because New York is an eastern state. Hopefully none of them read this and crack the code.

New York also charges you $14.5 billion dollars to drive over creaky bridges that may or may not collapse under the weight of your car. Allegedly, this money goes to bridge upkeep. In reality, it goes to fund the city's rampant organized crime problem.

The state has five "boroughs," which is a Spanish (the native tongue of the state's residents) word that means "cities anyone cares about." These are Manhattan, founded by a man who was wearing a hat, Brooklyn, which was named after David Beckham's son/daughter, Long Island, which consists of a large factory that produces a special kind of iced tea that makes middle-aged women feel lusty, Staten Island, which was built on top of and also under a large garbage dump, and finally Queens, the small kingdom of lord Kevin James.

Times Square is famous because a lot of things happen there. Apparently everyone there is a pussy because this man is allowed to roam free without getting punched in the face.

The major newspaper in New York is the New York Times, where a guy I got compared to once used to make up stories. So this state can't be all bad!

New York is also famous as a melting pot where tons of people of different ethnicity meet and fight each other. It contains such famous landmarks as the Empire State Building, where you can throw a penny off the roof and kill people, and the Statue of Liberty. I'm glad her name was Liberty. Can you imagine how boring it would be if we had a Statue of Jennifer?

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of New York. New York sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

1 comment:

  1. long island is not borough dumbasses. that place may suck, but getcho facts st8