Thursday, February 26, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Montana

Ed. note: This is the second in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy accidentally telling me I'm cool, you missed: New York

Today's subject is Montana.

Montana, a state so desperate for attention that they named a city after a football player because his last name was "Montana." You don't see "Russell, Maryland" do you? We have more tact than that. We name cities after steak.

Montana's nickname is the "treasure state," as part of the 1972 initiative to get people to come to Montana by convincing them treasure was buried somewhere in the state. Unfortunately, when people got there, they realized it was Montana, and decided that no amount of treasure could keep them there. $4.6 billion dollars remains buried in the Big Hole Valley.

Of course you can't talk about Montana without talking about its most famous football quarterback--Ryan Leaf! Ryan, what do you have to say about this great state?

Oh. Uh. Moving on.

Montana is the fourth-biggest state in America, but no one cares about it. This would upset the people living in Montana, but there aren't any. The fun thing about Montana is that everyone there perpetually lives in either the year 1921 or 2582, creating an interesting dynamic between "the pasties" and "the future dudes." Not really, I made that up because Montana is boring.

This is Montana's state seal:
Which is just a clusterfuck of various types of land. It contains the state motto, "oro y plata" which is Spanish for "boring and you're going to want to kill yourself."

There is literally nothing interesting about Montana and I'm just grasping at straws here. Somehow in Montana, apparently, there are mountains that give direct way to waterfalls. Is this true? I'm not joking here, I haven't ever seen a picture of Montana or anything. As far as I'm concerned, Montana might just be a practical joke that everyone else is in on. If Montana didn't exist, no one would feel any different.

Everyone in Montana is obsessed with Grizzly bears. This is because grizzlies outnumber people in Montana by such a large margin that their voting bloc makes human votes relatively worthless. Which is why they passed the "Bears Rule!!! Act of 2007." Nothing ever gets done in this stupid bear-ocracy.

Montana is also referred to as "Big Sky Country" because when you go there all there is is land and sky. So, like, it was one or the other. And "Big Dirt country" didn't sound nearly as impressive. Unfortunately, for Montana, it would have been more apt.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Montana. Montana sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

1 comment:

  1. they make a lot of methamphetamines in the backwoods of montana. half of the people in jail are there because of their meth labs. hooray!