Friday, February 27, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Mississippi

Ed. note: This is the third in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy gambling that there won't be a salary cap in football in a few years, you missed: New York, Montana

Today we're going to take a closer look at Mississippi.

Mississippi is an ironic state because knowing how to spell it is considered smart if you're a third grader, yet most of the people who live there topped out with a third-grade education. I'm not saying everyone from Mississippi is an idiot...wait, yes I am. None of them know how to read, what am I afraid of?

Mississippi has an unending list of state symbols. The state marine animal is the bottlenose dolphin. The state waterfowl is the wood duck. The state toy is the teddy bear. The state attitude is racist. Their state fossil is the prehistoric whale.

One and only one of those sentences was false... technically.

The state's flag incorporates the Confederate flag, as a quaint way of saying, "We might not be allowed to enslave other humans, but dadgummit, we would!" What a charming place to live.

Mississippi has no major sports teams because who in their right mind would want to play sports in Mississippi? There are franchises in New York, Chicago, Miami, Los Angeles... they'd never sign anybody. The best they can do is Eli Manning, who is apparently good now. I hate sports. Maybe this is a positive for Mississippi.

From the only site I'm using to do research for this series, Wikipedia: "Until the Civil War era, Mississippi had only a small number of schools and no educational institutions for black people. The first school for black people was established in 1862." Since then, an astounding four schools have been built across the state.

Mississippi lost one of its best recently when Mississippi State University fired its head football coach, national hero Sylvester J.R. Croom III. Oh, I'm sorry, "forced to resign." I was forced to resign once too, Sly. Keep your head up.

Mississippi is an Indian word for "Land of the most racist people we know, even compared to the people who are currently killing us and stealing our land." It was founded in 2001 on the ideal that everyone should have the God-given right to own people that aren't like them. Ever since its founding, even Alabama has looked over and said "Dude, you guys need to chill out a bit."

Award-winning playwright Tennessee Williams is from Mississippi. That says a mouthful about this state.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Mississippi. Mississippi sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

3 comments:

  1. do Pennsylvania next, everyone knows it is the worst state in the union!!!!

    and mad props on alluding to best week ever even if it was unintentional.

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  2. for the record, it was half-BWE, half-Deadspin (but I think Deadspin stole it from BWE).

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  3. the top 10 humans? completely a rip off of BWE...though no matter who you ask, Barkley takes the cake...and eats all of it...because he huge...and I'm drunk.

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