Friday, February 13, 2009

Diamondback Cutting Room Floor: Parking Meters

Today was a big one in the advancement of the BlazingWithPhelps brand name, as I successfully plugged the blog in my newspaper column. Usually I write Mondays but I'm supposing they needed to fill a hole. I'll be back in the paper... maybe two Mondays from now or something?

Another feature I want to do on this site is to give you the nitty gritty, unedited versions of my columns that run, because I'm extremely edgy--way too edgy for the delicate ears of the public. So my stuff often gets edited down (allegedly this is to make it "coherent"). Anyways, here's your Rob Gindes Unplugged:

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No creative lead this week. Sorry. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say about this shit.
The economy sucks, right? And everyone’s losing a ton of money and trying to cut costs, and stuff, right? So when I read an article by Nelly Desmarattes on Wednesday about DOTS increasing the fees on the meters on campus, I figured that there must be a good reason. But since I’m writing this column, you know there wasn’t.
Women and children avert your eyes: Parking fees are going to be increased because new, “technologically-advanced” meters are going to be installed that text you when you’re running low and allow you to pay over the phone. I… I don’t have a joke for that.
According to the article, the new meters are actually going to somehow save money because allegedly the money won’t have to be collected manually any more. That sounds like just what we need to do: eliminate jobs! Hooray!
I don’t buy it. DOTS is saving that money because they’re ripping it from us, at $1 more for every soul-sucking hour we’re forced to park at one of their death meters.
Did the economic crisis end? Why are they dropping 200 grand for parking meters? Because they send you text messages? Jesus, for that much they’d better be sending those dirty text messages they advertise on Comedy Central late at night with the random whorish girls licking ring pops and stuff.
I mean… high-tech parking meters? Really? My editors say I can’t use the “f” word in columns so just insert your own at random into this column.
What was wrong with the old meters? How high-tech does a parking meter have to be? This is the worst thing ever. And if someone tells me that DOTS had enough money lying around to do this, then I’m going to be even more angry because an on-campus parking permit costs $450,000, your first-born child and an original screenplay per week.
Hey, at least a lot of our faculty and staff won’t have to worry about parking here all the time because they’re already being forced to take furlough days if not being laid off outright. So there’s the silver lining for you. You’re welcome.
Yes, it’s an impossible question: How do we save money and cut costs but not productivity? And I’m a Monday morning economist, I get it. But still: This is not the answer. Let’s say for whatever reason I have to park on campus five days a week for six months for, oh, four hours a day. My calculator says “58008,” because upside-down that spells “boobs.” Also, I’d be spending something like an extra $480. Someone check that math, I’m a journalism major.
It’s hard to be witty and charming with my columns when I’m this upset. This is more shameless than columnists who plug their own non-Diamondback-affilliated blogs through their columns (BlazingWithPhelps.blogspot.com). It just really cuts to the heart of me.
It’s shameless. And it’s cruel. It’s a scam and I’m sick of it. It’s one thing if someone pulls something like that once, but to do it over and over again like DOTS does by screwing us repeatedly with parking? Uncalled for.
And that web site again is BlazingWithPhelps.blogspot.com.

3 comments:

  1. I read your column today and I loved it as usual.
    I always read your articles when I need to commiserate. And they're really funny, so it works.

    By the way, GREAT blog name. I laughed out loud when I read that.

    Keep up the good work.

    Grace

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  2. I'm inclined to agree with Grace, except I think Clapton's and Nirvana's Unplugged blows Rob Unplugged out of the water

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  3. I pick up the Diamondback because I need something stupid and funny after mind-numbing classes. Of course the paper isn't meant to be funny, but I can't help but laugh. Of course your column is supposed to be funny and it is. But I must tell you that this version of the column that I read in the D'back is MUCH better! Ha you editors! You cannot edit the blogs!

    AJ
    ps I found your site from the ps at the end of your comment to your online article/commentary about haters in comments. I think it was sly move to post the url, but hey, whatever it takes!

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