Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Destiny's Child: Baltimore Raven Football

As free agent signings and the combine get underway, I thought I'd take some time out of my busy day eating Wegman's brand Lucky Charms and masturbating to Brazilian midget porn to share my thoughts on my beloved Baltimore Raven's (AKA Destiny's Child) offseason.
With Destiny's Childs heartbreaking loss to the Steelers in the AFC championship, the loss of Rex Ryan, and contract questions with our star players, many fans are concerned with the upcoming season (side note: Can the Steelers win a fucking legitimate Super Bowl? They were given the rings a few years back after the shit show of officiating that went down against the Seahawks. And other than Big Ben putting on a performance, they play like the fucking Lions and Kurt Warner hands them the game on the dumbest pass in Super Bowl history and they get to party like they're fucking Puff Daddy. Again. Fear not Destinites, I will break down exactly what the Ravens need to do to get back to the promise land:
  • Rex Ryan: Although he was the best defensive coordinator in the league last year and for the past couple years (there is no other D-Coordinator in the league that could get the Wrangler Jean commercial secondary to the AFC Championship) we have once again found a genius from within the ranks to fill this void. Former linebackers coach Greg Mattison will have this defense scarier than a SARS outbreak once again. That is as long as we re-sign...
  • Ray Lewis & Terrell Suggs: I am usually not an advocate of keeping an older player with a lot of history on a team solely based on the previous statement, but if you watched Ray Lewis play his dick off and dominate his position for more than two games this year at the age of 75, you know we need to re-sign him and keep him here until the day he becomes our linebackers coach. Suggs is the second coming of Ray, and there is no way we let him go, you just dont let someone of that physical talent leave. Sign Ray for three years, and sign Suggs if you can, or franchise him again if thats what it takes.
  • Bart Scott: If you can sign him, great. If not, he won't be that missed. He's like Adalius Thomas without that sort of athletic ability. There's plenty of young talent like Antwan Barnes, Jameel McClain that can fill his void easily, just like we always do (see Peter Boulware, Jamie Sharper, Adalius Thomas, etc.)
  • Jason Brown: He had a great year, but he's asking for top guard money right now, and let me tell you a little something Mr. Brown: YOU'RE A FUCKING CENTER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TAKE YOUR MONEY!
  • Draft: Need a cornerback in the first round if there is talent available at our pick. I love watching draft day when you're a Raven's fan. It's like watching Van Gough paint. It may look retarded at first, and you're wondering why there are midgets and goofy colors everywhere, but you wait a couple years and you realize it's a masterpiece. A deep threat wide receiver would be nice as well, but I have faith in Demetrius Williams coming back and having a great year next year. Also, a Tight End would be nice, as having Todd Heap on your roster is about as effective as Michigan's towell boy in the Waterboy. Todd Heap was like the hot girlfriend who cheated on you. I have never loved someone and then hated someone so much in my entire life.
  • Free Agency: Sucks ass this year, and we have no money, don't expect much from Destiny's Child in this sense.
  • Prediction: I honestly have no idea. I thought we were gonna go 7-9 this year, but Cpt. Unibrow Joe Flacco and John Harbaugh did things that a rookie coach and rookie QB have never done, so who knows. Expect anything from a Lombardi trophy to a suckfest that leaves Baltimore in more of a depressed state than the Orioles


  1. This is the single funniest blog post I have ever read. Keep 'em comin big guy.

  2. Ok I do not understand how I commented on Rob's stat class liveblog and it ends up here but this is not quite as funny but yes it is nice too.

  3. i agree 100% with everything that was said. Jason brown needs to stop being a little cocksucker