Monday, February 16, 2009

Consumer Wrongs...ZING!

I have a few tests tomorrow, but the alarming influx of site views has me peaked my curiosity. Besides, when Star Virginia Tech Quarterback Tyrod Taylor (let me pick up that name real quick) is in your class, you don't exactly need to pull an all-nighter. Seriously though, who the hell are all you people reading this? Leave us some comments or death threats or money or something. But rather than trying to wrap my mind around that, I'm just gonna put a Sham-Wow on it. I don't know, it sells itself!

We have to be in the golden age of infomercials. Ron Popeil had his pocket fisherman garbage back in the day, though I'm not sure what day because I don't fact check. With the floodgates open, a bunch of worthless crap came around, excepting, of course, the Foreman Grill. But this is just getting ridiculous.

The Snuggie. What drunk asshole put on his robe on backwards and had an epiphany? And how did he manage to sustain his drunken state long enough to whip up a commercial and market the thing? The most impressive thing I've ever done drunk is probably playing the solo to Blue Sky. I don't understand why I'm not rich, I really don't.

Am I the only one that forgets that its just a commercial and I'm not actually about to be raped every time I see Billy Mays Hayes on TV? I can't be. I also can't be the only person who thinks Canada has been moving the state line of Montana back a few feet every year, but that nobody has really noticed. If they haven't done that yet, they really should.

Sham-Wow has the best one out there. THEY HAVE "SHAM" IN THE PRODUCT NAME. Not to mention the guy selling it. His name is Vince Offer. Again, I don't fact check, I just know it. He is the writer, directer, and star of the Underground Comedy Movie (which I can borrow it sometime.) Yes, the very same Underground Comedy Movie you may remember seeing ads for on Comedy Central back in 2000. It all comes full circle, I guess. He's just returning the favor.

Let's see...I've managed to plug Hokie Football, plug a product from back in the day, the Foreman Grill, the Snuggie, The Underground Comedy Movie, AND advocate the ruthless expansion of Canada on American soil all while procrastinating. Not too shabby. Of course one of my exams is Consumer Rights, so I feel like I can rationalize this as consumer rights in practice. If any of the things I've plugged had any money to offer, including the Canadian Government,(I'm pretty sure their net worth is the least on the list...also, I'm assuming Foreman has managed to piss away most of that Foreman money) I would be demanding a lot of money. I WANT THAT INTERNET MONEY.

On a serious note though, I'm gonna shift from plugging the mediocre-at-best to plugging the amazing. 2009 may be the year of the Best Blog in History , but it is also the 10 year anniversary of Jimmy Eat World's "Clarity" album. It is my favorite album of all time, and features "Just Watch the Fireworks," a song I consider my favorite. If you don't have it, buy it, download it, steal it, whatever. I don't know, it sells itself.


  1. Jesus Christ, this post is setting the bar for this blog. If you don't find this funny, then I don't know what to tell you.

  2. I love this, and is so right on so many levels. I wish i could be a witty blogger.