Saturday, February 28, 2009

Housekeeping

Hope you're enjoying The Great State Hate Debate as much as I am...unless you're from Wisconsin, then go fuck yourself

Love and hate of the 09 NFL free agency will be around shortly, as well as the thrilling conclusion of the 09 baseball season predictions, including a sexually arousing round table playoff/world series prediction conducted by the most knowledgeable baseball experts not from the "state" of "Wisconsin" (I'm well aware I stretched a sentence into a paragraph and didn't even end with a period...punctuation is more overrated than Favre)

Thanks for the support (from actual people)/hate (from the morbidly obese that hate us and managed to support us)

Stay tuned for more commentary on the most important issues of our time.

As for me, I'm off to Washington and Lee tomorrow. The last time I was there I pre-gamed a Jesse Jackson speech. I can only hope to one-up myself.

Fuck Wisconsin and listen to Jimmy Eat World.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Mississippi

Ed. note: This is the third in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy gambling that there won't be a salary cap in football in a few years, you missed: New York, Montana

Today we're going to take a closer look at Mississippi.

Mississippi is an ironic state because knowing how to spell it is considered smart if you're a third grader, yet most of the people who live there topped out with a third-grade education. I'm not saying everyone from Mississippi is an idiot...wait, yes I am. None of them know how to read, what am I afraid of?

Mississippi has an unending list of state symbols. The state marine animal is the bottlenose dolphin. The state waterfowl is the wood duck. The state toy is the teddy bear. The state attitude is racist. Their state fossil is the prehistoric whale.

One and only one of those sentences was false... technically.

The state's flag incorporates the Confederate flag, as a quaint way of saying, "We might not be allowed to enslave other humans, but dadgummit, we would!" What a charming place to live.

Mississippi has no major sports teams because who in their right mind would want to play sports in Mississippi? There are franchises in New York, Chicago, Miami, Los Angeles... they'd never sign anybody. The best they can do is Eli Manning, who is apparently good now. I hate sports. Maybe this is a positive for Mississippi.

From the only site I'm using to do research for this series, Wikipedia: "Until the Civil War era, Mississippi had only a small number of schools and no educational institutions for black people. The first school for black people was established in 1862." Since then, an astounding four schools have been built across the state.

Mississippi lost one of its best recently when Mississippi State University fired its head football coach, national hero Sylvester J.R. Croom III. Oh, I'm sorry, "forced to resign." I was forced to resign once too, Sly. Keep your head up.

Mississippi is an Indian word for "Land of the most racist people we know, even compared to the people who are currently killing us and stealing our land." It was founded in 2001 on the ideal that everyone should have the God-given right to own people that aren't like them. Ever since its founding, even Alabama has looked over and said "Dude, you guys need to chill out a bit."

Award-winning playwright Tennessee Williams is from Mississippi. That says a mouthful about this state.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Mississippi. Mississippi sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Great State Hate Debate '09: Montana

Ed. note: This is the second in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

While you were busy accidentally telling me I'm cool, you missed: New York

Today's subject is Montana.

Montana, a state so desperate for attention that they named a city after a football player because his last name was "Montana." You don't see "Russell, Maryland" do you? We have more tact than that. We name cities after steak.

Montana's nickname is the "treasure state," as part of the 1972 initiative to get people to come to Montana by convincing them treasure was buried somewhere in the state. Unfortunately, when people got there, they realized it was Montana, and decided that no amount of treasure could keep them there. $4.6 billion dollars remains buried in the Big Hole Valley.

Of course you can't talk about Montana without talking about its most famous football quarterback--Ryan Leaf! Ryan, what do you have to say about this great state?

Oh. Uh. Moving on.

Montana is the fourth-biggest state in America, but no one cares about it. This would upset the people living in Montana, but there aren't any. The fun thing about Montana is that everyone there perpetually lives in either the year 1921 or 2582, creating an interesting dynamic between "the pasties" and "the future dudes." Not really, I made that up because Montana is boring.

This is Montana's state seal:
Which is just a clusterfuck of various types of land. It contains the state motto, "oro y plata" which is Spanish for "boring and you're going to want to kill yourself."

There is literally nothing interesting about Montana and I'm just grasping at straws here. Somehow in Montana, apparently, there are mountains that give direct way to waterfalls. Is this true? I'm not joking here, I haven't ever seen a picture of Montana or anything. As far as I'm concerned, Montana might just be a practical joke that everyone else is in on. If Montana didn't exist, no one would feel any different.

Everyone in Montana is obsessed with Grizzly bears. This is because grizzlies outnumber people in Montana by such a large margin that their voting bloc makes human votes relatively worthless. Which is why they passed the "Bears Rule!!! Act of 2007." Nothing ever gets done in this stupid bear-ocracy.

Montana is also referred to as "Big Sky Country" because when you go there all there is is land and sky. So, like, it was one or the other. And "Big Dirt country" didn't sound nearly as impressive. Unfortunately, for Montana, it would have been more apt.

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of Montana. Montana sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

Morning Musings: That Sucked

Well, I won't lie to you: Duke got us this year. But it did spawn one of my favorite columns to write this year, which hits newsstands Monday March 2. Basically, it was time to be Mr. Brightside and less of a negative Ned.

Thank you if you read my live blog of the game tonight. Today was a great day. We hit not only 3,000 pageviews but due to the refreshing of my blog, 3,500. And 1,000 visits. Awesome. Thanks for your support and/or blinding hatred. We also got this comment--"This blog is retarded"--from Eau Claire, Wisc. Thank you, Eau Claire! Now that you've hated on a blog you view for free and that asks nothing of or from you, you can go back to your miserable life loving Brett Favre and clogging your arteries. I was going to say that no one could be a worse owner than Bud Selig, who owns your baseball team (at least he did at some point, don't know if he does any more, don't care), but then I remembered that your football team is owned by someone even worse--YOU, the public, the people of Wisconsin. Nothing could be worse than that.

Anyways, stay tuned for tomorrow's continuation of The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Tomorrow I'm going to take on those self-serving pricks in Nebraska. You've had it coming.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Maryland vs. Duke: Let's Get it ON!

I'm fired up, you're fired up, Duke's gay and fired up, let's fucking roll!!

11:13: There's your melodramatic buzzer. I'm going to go to sleep. Hope you enjoyed the blog and if you see any of these guys, give them a punch to the face for me. Besides Nolan Smith. Lay off of him. His skull is going to be tender for a while.

67 78

11:12: Milbourne fouls out. Really? Sheesh. Unless a team consistently fouls like that, if you're a team of refs, you need to really check yourself when you fould out three of the best players on the other team. It's just despicable. Jay Bilas and Mike Patrick gush over Duke. "They earned it, no doubt."

11:11: Make a wish! Mine is that a building falls on Greg Paulus. That talentless, rat-faced hack who thinks he's good at basketball because he pounds the floor just as well as any whitebred douchebag has done before him. We had one last shot to give ourselves a chance and Tucker missed it. The last 40 seconds are just going to be a slow bleed.

11:09: With less than a minute left, Lurch hacks the hell out of Bowie. Classy 'til the end. Bowie drains both and we're down by 7, fouling with 51 seconds left. We need our own version of the minute miracle now.

11:07: Even though I've been complaining about the refs, we have shot ourselves in the foot on free throws, missing 9 so far. How much are we down by? 8. This whole game is a coulda-been, shoulda-been. Depressing.

11:04: Duke basketball just makes me sick. The no-calls. The horrible fouls that are called on opponents. Their rat fink coach. Crybaby and Lurch. The media fawning all over them. The fact that they're a faceless conglomerate of the best whitebred three-point shooters their smarmy coach can find. No one on this team is likable. No one ever has been, besides Elton Brand, who hated Duke. If you root for this team, the odds are that you are just as much of a smarmy jackass as anyone who's ever gone through the program.

11:02: Crybaby nails the could-be dagger and Duke is up 9 with less than 2 minutes to go. We need a minor miracle.

63 72

11:00: Mosley fouls out. As a parting gift, I'll spell his name right. This has been just a disgusting display by the guys in black and white tonight. You know when you play Duke that they're going to get the calls, but it's just been shameful this time. We had--and still have--a legitimate shot, but the thing is, the refereeing has been downright shameful. I don't even have a joke. It's bee horrendous.

10:59: My emotions dictated the last entry, where I neglected to mention that was Vasquez's fifth. One of the most insane phanton calls I've ever seen, and our emotional leader--the guy we need to carry us when we're down six with two minutes left--is out. This sucks. This is legitimately depressing.

10:58: The refs have called one of the most insane phantom fouls I have ever seen in my life. Literally just a shameful, ridiculous display just now. Shameful display by the refs. Shameful. Jay Bilas calls it "a good call." There is no justice in this world.

10:54: Scary Jerry lays the forearm into Mosely, who gets called for the foul. Mike Patrick says, "Mosely can't expect to get that call." Oh right, because these games are rigged. Jesus. Somehow this is Mosely's fourth. Everyone on Maryland has four fouls tonight, including Mosely, Vasquez, Neal, Juan Dixon, Lonny Baxter, John Lucas, Len Bias and Tyler Hansbrough.

62 66

10:53: Lurch nails a 3 with skills honed by private instructors and AAU coaches paying him under the table his whole life. Yes, I am worried. EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

10:51: We didn't capitalize during Scary Jerry's dry spell and he just nailed a 3 in our eyes. I'm upset about the travelling call because it's well-known that Duke gets away with blatant walks all the time. Nonetheless, we needed to capitalize before he got his stroke back and now I'm worried.

60 63

10:49: Milbourne draws a foul but that one ripped my heart out. That ball was 9/10ths of the way down before it came out. He sinks the first free throw though, making this next one a hell of an important shot. Buckets. Tie ball game. Turnover from Duke. But somehow we walked. Really? Really?

10:46: I can't say enough about how crazy this game has been. Scary Jerry has definitely cooled off, but we don't get loose balls. Insert your own joke about Duke grabbing balls here. Vasquez is on the floor with 4 fouls. This is scary.

10:44: Big game-changer as someone informed the refs that Duke IS allowed to be called for travelling. Lurch gets it and looks like somebody ate the brains he left in the freezer. Which is to say, sad zombie.

56 56

10:42: Just a wacky game right now. 8:33 to go in the half and this has been nuts. Emerald nuts. Scary Jerry is cooling off and we have to capitalize.

10:40: Someone in the crowd has a sign with the stack of bills with eyes from the Geico ads that says "This is the money you could be saving if you bet on the Terps." Some Duke guy hacks someone, Milbourne nails a J. Commercial.

54 56

10:38: That foul call was shady even for Duke refs. Sheesh, dude.

10:36: Singler sts a moving pick and Henderson walks. Mosely gets called for a foul. The old Duke play. And another replay of Nolan Smith getting trucked! Yes!

10:35: Not this time by Scary Jerry Henderson. I don't know if I've ever been so afraid of a player. He is just locked in right now. I'm legitimately shot he missed anything.

10:33: They keep showing Nolan Smith get the bejesus knocked out of him by Dave Fucking Neal. This is the best Maryland-Duke moment since Blake stole the ball from Williams as he looked back to Coach K. I will never forget that.

10:31: Adrian Bowie, from Bowie. Jesus that was some range out of the mohawk. The roof just blew off of Comcast, too. Really wishing I was there, but what're you going to do? I'll tell you where I'm going to be, and that's drunk.

52 49

10:29: Munster is hacked as he goes up but still nails the J. We're tied again. Through the first 27 1/2 minutes, this has been an all-timer. I was supposed to joke around on this one a lot but this game has been crazy-go-nuts. Milbourne gets a loose ball and Lurch punches him in the gut.

10:26: After they peel Nolan Smith off the court, Gerald Henderson responds with an emphatic dunk. And on the other end, Eddie Munster throws up a three that GOES IN at the shot clock buzzer. But Henderson has decided that he's finally going to take out all the aggression he has in being a black-skinned white guy on us, and we're in trouble. But there's Milbourne! Holy smokes!

47 47

10:23: THAT WAS AWESOME. YES. I AM GLAD THAT THIS HAPPENED. THIS IS AWESOME. DAVE FUCKING NEAL. I PARTIED WITH THIS GUY IN HIGH SCHOOL. I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE PROUD. THIS FUCKING RULES.

DAVE FUCKING NEAL.

10:22: Vasquez has four fouls. He came into the game with one and two were called during a commercial break. YOU DON'T FUCK WITH DAVE NEAL.

10:17: Lurch hacks the ball away and dunks it. This is OK. We're in danger of letting this game slip away. You'll now if we do because I will be hanging from the ceiling.

37 41

10:15: Zoubek loses the ball, which is a foul.

10:12: We're back with nachos, just in time to see Sean Mosely get trucked by Lurch. Great, there goes the future. Are the fans chanting "Ugly Singler" right now? Awesome. Just be blunt about it.

9:52: Milbourne lives up to his potential and crazily blocks the shot from Duke's huge stiff. Oh sorry, that just described everyone from Duke. I mean Zoubek, who literally is about as lifeless as a person can get without actually being dead. And that's halftime! We're tied at 34 heading into recess. And at the start of the second half, Blazing With Phelps will be back with more hard-hitting, objective analysis!

34 34

9:50: Paulus hits a 3 to tie and starts beating on the floor. THIS IS WHY EVERYONE HATES YOU. Who does this? Just run back to the other side of the floor and play defense. You're a little shit and everyone wants a free shot at your face. Go to hell you little chipmunk bastard.

9:47: Lurch gets on the board for the Monstars. How could anyone with a soul root for this team? Seriously. Do they have one likeable guy? Would you want to hang out with anyone on this team?

9:43: Hayes is playing like Steve Blake, who by the way just set an NBA record for assists in a quarter. Have you ever seen a Duke player in the NBA?

30 26

9:40: We are getting some of these ridiculous layups and it's exciting the hell out of me. OHHH!!! DINO MOTHER FUCKING GREGORY!!!!!!!! LET'S GO!!!!!

9:37: Greg Paulus is being annoying? No!!! I don't believe it. A foul just got called on us?!?!?!? No!!! I did not see any of this coming! Bowie had an absolutely great shot just now, too. This has been a wonderful game.

9:33: We're getting calls! We're getting calls! This is crazy!!!!!

18 16

9:29: Strong drive from Landon "Mike Jones" Milbourne. I think we just got a charge called against us for something. Man, what did Duke do to get the refs in their pocket for more than a decade? Why is no one looking into this?

9:27: The non-Erin Andrews sideline reporter says that Maryland fans spread the phone number for Duke's hotel and recommended pulling the fire alarm. This is hilarious. Mike Patrick is no fun and says that this is despicable. Sorry Mike, turns out we're college kids.

9:22: The refs mess up and call a foul on Duke. What is this?! I don't know what happened before commercial because I had to run outside and let my friend in. Anything could have happened. I'm so excited. I'm so scared!

? ?

9:20: Scheyer misses a huge opportunity when the refs had decided that they were going to do everything possible to have Duke score on that possession. He comes in with an obvious charge but throws the ball out of bounds. Silly play. Greivis puts it in on the other end. Let the record show that I haven't always been a Greivis fan, but I've always respected that the kid shows up night in and night out. You don't have to love him but you do have to respect him. Duke has a player name McClure, who's name I can only assume is either "Troy" or "Teabags."

9:17: Sugar Shaun Moseley drops a nice bucket in. I'm sorry, who was saying we can't recruit Baltimore? So far, Moseley has been great. So great that I might actually check to see if I'm spelling his name right--I won't, but at least I considered it.

9:14: Scheyer picks up a foul and drops to the court as if his eyes have been cut by razor blades. I knew he looked like he was about to cry! Commercial break.

10 7

9:12: Elliott Williams picks up the foul. Why do all of Duke's black guys have such white names? Elliot? Gerald? Nolan? Also, we are running on these guys somehow. This has been as awesome as the first two and a half minutes can be.

9:09: Duke is allowed to pansy-slap us until their maids tell them it's time for dinner. I'll never understand why they're allowed to travel, hack, and generally break every other rule of basketball. Is someone really afraid of their rat-fink coach?

9:08: Duke gets 45 rebounds on their firsst possession but somehow none of their rich white kids can shoot. Landon Milbourne converts on the other end. I don't expect this theme to last, but God, I can hope can't I?

9:05 PM: No freaking way, they've got Jay Bilas BROADCASTING this? How is this allowed? Are you shitting me? Wow, now I wish I had LOST on. Good to know that Disney Parks is sponsoring Judgement Week. I always like to mix my fanciful with my biblical.

9:03 PM: UConn finishes off Marquette, 93-82. This was a hell of a game, really. Hopefully our game provides some of the same... competitiveness. I just hope we fair better than Marquette. If we're to believe ESPN "analyst" Jay Williams, though, we don't have a shot. Of course, he was a Duke star like so many other people they hire (Why do they hire former Dallas Cowboys as well?) and then act like they're objective analyists. This upsets me. I mean you, Jay Bilas. Piss off, you weird-headed jerk.

Allegedly we're playing Duke tonight. Is ESPN about to cut to us or am I missing us on Jefferson Pilot or something?

9:00 PM: We're about to go away from the UConn-Marquette game, but not before Dick Vitale squeezes in some parting shots: "Gotta get to that TV! Gotta see Coach K!" Nobody's bear tranquilized this guy yet? Sheesh.

8:50 PM: Good evening people, it's almost time to see if all those people calling for Gary Williams to be fired were either retarded or retarded but with a point. Last time we played Duke, we got laughed out of Cameron Indoor to the tune of 85-44, but tonight we're at Comcast Center, we've got some momentum, and everyone on Duke's team is ugly.

Reader Andrew (Reader? We have readers? He must be someone we know) submits Kyle Singler's acting career:



On the left is Singler, on the right is his minor role in the hit movie "Space Jam."

Anyways, the game is starting soon, so keep hitting that refresh button. I've decided to pass on watching LOST tonight, so it's going to be all Terps-Duke. Woohoo!

T-minus an hour and a half unti live blog

Hey friends, first off, we've hit the 1K visits and 3K views milestones, so thanks for that.

Second, in about 90 minutes I'm going to start liveblogging Maryland-Duke from beautiful downtown College Park! You don't want to miss it.

I'll also be watching LOST at the same time, so if you're not, I'll try not to spoil anything for you. Thank god we have multiple TVs in the living room.

Anyways thanks again, and check back for the sweet liveblog from about 8:50 until I'm either drunk in the streets or have killed myself. Should be a rollicking good time!

Great State Hate Debate '09: New York

Ed. note: This is the first in the 50-part original Blazing With Phelps feature, The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09. Is it a debate? Not really. It's us making up lies and conjecture about why we hate where you live. Is it great? Not really either. Is there hate? Are there states? Is it 0...9? Yes, yes and God I wish I came up with this last year.

Today we get to better know the Empire State, New York.

New York is a state where people go hoping to make it big, only they never do and they end up in back alleys smoking crack cocaine and playing dice. But boy, can they play dice!

New York was founded in 1743 by Henry Hudson York, who hated his old place of residence, York, Pa., and decided to carve out a new part of the map. Unfortunately the new York never lived up to the old York, and has yet to even build a weightlifting hall of fame. Thus, New York in modern times is an afterthought that no one ever talks way too much about.

New York has two football teams, both located in New Jersey. They also have an actual New York football team. This team is the Buffalo Bills, who play in Toronto.

This is the flag of New York:


Excelsior? New York's state flag was designed, apparently, by Al Gore.

New York City is called "the city that never sleeps" because if anyone falls asleep, they are robbed immediately. Sleeping is not advised in the city, but plently of bums on the subway do it anyways. New York City has the bravest bums in the world.

New York is also home to West Point, home of the United States Military Academy, which is a prank on our enemies because New York is an eastern state. Hopefully none of them read this and crack the code.

New York also charges you $14.5 billion dollars to drive over creaky bridges that may or may not collapse under the weight of your car. Allegedly, this money goes to bridge upkeep. In reality, it goes to fund the city's rampant organized crime problem.

The state has five "boroughs," which is a Spanish (the native tongue of the state's residents) word that means "cities anyone cares about." These are Manhattan, founded by a man who was wearing a hat, Brooklyn, which was named after David Beckham's son/daughter, Long Island, which consists of a large factory that produces a special kind of iced tea that makes middle-aged women feel lusty, Staten Island, which was built on top of and also under a large garbage dump, and finally Queens, the small kingdom of lord Kevin James.

Times Square is famous because a lot of things happen there. Apparently everyone there is a pussy because this man is allowed to roam free without getting punched in the face.

The major newspaper in New York is the New York Times, where a guy I got compared to once used to make up stories. So this state can't be all bad!

New York is also famous as a melting pot where tons of people of different ethnicity meet and fight each other. It contains such famous landmarks as the Empire State Building, where you can throw a penny off the roof and kill people, and the Statue of Liberty. I'm glad her name was Liberty. Can you imagine how boring it would be if we had a Statue of Jennifer?

Anyways, that's everything you'll ever need to know about the horrible, crappy state of New York. New York sucks and if you're from there, we hate you.

Live Blog Tonight: Maryland vs. Duke

Because I'm a bad fan and haven't attended enough games to even think about trying to get a Duke ticket tonight (we use a lottery system), I'm going to instead be blogging it here as we take our momentum into our most important game of the year against Lurch and a guy who looks like he's constantly about to cry. Hopefully we pull another mammoth upset because God knows we're not going to beat Wake Forest.

So tune in your internets to BWP starting just before 9 pm EST for some laughs, some tears, and hopefully a win that solidifes our way into the tournament. And before that, we should have one or two posts, hopefully including our first installment of the Great State Hate Debate. You're going down, Idaho!

Reason 547 Why Wisconsin Sucks


I've always hated Wisconsin for several reasons (fat people, slight Canadian accents, my love of the 49ers during my youth, inventing AIDS, etc.) but ever since right field bleacher called us out, I just can't hold my grudge in anymore. So I'm going to give you more reasons why you should hate Wisconsin too.


Reason 547:You literally have the gayest flag in the union by far. Whoever made this had the creativity of a Mad TV writer. Hey, thanks for letting us know that this boring piece of shit that I'm looking at is the flag of Wisconsin in big fucking letters! I would attempt to hide the fact that this is your flag as much as possible rather than plaster it all over like a Peter North facial.
And what the hell is with the two flamers in the middle anyway? The one on the left is obviously a gay Klan member with his lynching rope and scarf while the other one is dressed like he's going to do some serious work on your ass rock with his pick ax (penis). Since I come from the land of greatest state flag ever maybe I'm a little spoiled, but seriously Wisconsin, instead of getting ten grand slams at Denny's, you should have put in more than five minutes of time in making this diarrhea ridden piece of toilet paper. Betsy Ross would literally shove the sewing needles she used to make the American Flag write up your ass.

Hey!

It's sort of a housekeeping post! Wait, don't switch back to porn!

So today is a big day for BWP because unless everyone decides they hate us, we're going to hit 3,000 page views and 1,000 visits today. Which is awesome. Thank you to everyone who somehow thinks this site is entertaining and also to everyone from Wisconsin who hates us now.

Speaking of segueing seamlessly, we thought it would be funny to start hating on Wisconsin, but then I had an even better idea: coming to you as a running feature for a while is going to be "The Great State Hate Debate '08 '09," brought to you by Blazing With Phelps: The World's Most Serious Blog.

We (or perhaps me if the other writers on this site find this idea stupid) will take each segment to look deep into a particular state and tell you why it sucks so much. For instance, here's a little tasty nugget from our look at the aforementioned land of cheddarwurst:

The land for Wisconsin was stolen by rapists and murderers from Minnesota in 1943. Beforehand, it had been prosperous and Utopian. As soon as they moved in, all the land was salted and the people starved. Ever since then, Wisconsin has been eating away at Minnesota just to sustain itself.

With all the hard-hitting and truthful factoids you expect from Blazing With Phelps. This one is sure to be a winner, so make sure you check back in the coming weeks as we launch the Great State Hate Debate '08 '09.

On top of that, our other ongoing project, We're Aren't Experts, (which RightFieldBleachers.com still insists on calling "We Aren't Experts"), is chugging along like the greatest of choo-choo trains. Expect the final divisional preview soon, as well as a discussion between ourselves and special guest stars on the postseason.

So with all this to look forward to, keep your browser tuned onto the World's Most Serious Blog, and tell all your friends about how funny and handsome we are.

You can switch back to porn now.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Anonymous Hate Spew

When Greg and I started this blog a couple weeks ago, we joked to each other that someday, random people from Wisconsin would be logging on and saying to themselves, what the fuck is this? Why Wisconsin? I don't know. It was random. Subconsciously we assumed that Wisconsin is the last place anyone would be visiting this site.

We should have known something was up when we got a hit from Green Bay the other day, but we dismissed it as Brett Favre, a known BWP supporter. Instead, the steady flow of Wisconsinites has been (I'd assume fully) due to a random link we got from a Milwaukee Brewers fan site. They seem to have not gotten the joke behind "We're aren't experts" and instead took my hard-hitting analysis as fact.

Anyways, it's given leeway to something I've written a column about recently (And you should be reading those, because it's not like I correctly predict stunning basketball upsets a month in advance or anything), which is to say, ridiculous jibberish left anonymously in the comments section. This is the worst part of the internet. It used to be the bullies were the kids that gave me wedgies. Now they're the people trying to steal my identity on the internet and leaving anonymous comments calling me a bad writer. I have to deal with you guys now? Jesus. Just grow the fuck up.

Which isn't to say I'm sensitive to it, I just wish people would man up and put their name with their hate speech. Because it's just cowardly to parade around in the internet ripping people down with no accountability. You might not like what I say or what I support, but at least you know it's me saying it.

Like if I say I hate the state of Wisconsin, you know it was me saying it. I'd never say that, but you get the idea.

People think that it's cool to parade around the internet trying to "cyberbully" other people--literally I am upset that the little red squiggly line didn't come up under "cyberbully," because this is an actual word now--when really it just makes you a loser.

So anyways, the moral of the story is that if you're visiting this site from the state of Wisconsin, welcome. Brett Favre is a scumbag that no one else in the country cares about and we all wish would go away; it's fucking incredible that you still blindly support him despite the fact that he doesn't even play for your team any more.

Also, the fact that you consider cheddarwurst an acceptable substance to eat is disgusting.

Cheers.

We're Aren't Experts: The AL West

Ed. Note: This is the fifth installment of our American baseball preview. These have happened:

John on the AL East
Rob on the NL Central
John on the NL East
Rob on the AL Central

Today is guest contributor Nick on the AL West. Tune in soon for the NL West and then postseason predictions. Same bat time, same bat network!

The only real question with the AL West this year is how many games the California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (or whatever they are calling themselves these days) will win the division by. Not that it really matters. Whoever wins this division will just end up getting destroyed at some point in the playoffs by the team that wins the AL East. Hooray for parity in Major League Baseball.

Anyways, let’s get to the predictions:

LA Angels

Bang your thundersticks, call the rally monkey and get ready for another early exit from the playoffs at the hands of the Red Sox! Teams are finally catching on that all the Angels do is bunt and steal bases, with the occasional free-swinging Vlad Guerrero strikeout. Their pitching is pretty solid as long as Lackey stays healthy and Ervin Santana decides to stay good (which is never a guarantee). They’ll probably win the West but what do I know?

Oakland Athletics

Welcome to Oakland bitch! I don’t really have much to say about the Athletics. Their players get good, they trade them away. Pretty successful formula if your goal is to be consistently mediocre. I like their young pitching this year with Justin Doucher leading the way. And hey look! Jason Giambi is back! All they need now is to convince Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire to come back and it will feel like the mid-90’s again. Steroids!

Seattle Mariners

Is there anything good about Seattle? It is home to snobby liberal punks, it rains all the time, and their baseball team blows. It’s good to see that the Erik Bedard trade worked out for them. There’s nothing like trading away some of your top talent for a pitcher with a long history of injury problems. But that whole injury thing doesn’t seem to bother the Mariners much seeing as they brought ol’ Ken “creaky knees” Griffey Jr. back for another year. Look for the city of Seattle to set all kinds of suicide records this year.

Texas Rangers

Texas Rangers baseball: feel the excitement! With the bats of Josh Hamilton and Ian Kinsler leading the way, the potent Rangers offense could set some records this year. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure Michael J. Fox could find the strike zone more effectively than any of the pitchers in the Rangers starting rotation. When your staff ace is Kevin Millwood you have some serious problems. Expect a lot of 11-10 scores this year with plenty of Bell Atlantic calls to the bullpen.

Predictions:

Angels (94 – 68)

Athletics (86 – 75)

Rangers (79 – 83)

Mariners (59 – 103)

Someone Check This Bitches Pants For a Dick



NBCLA - 6'8" Brittney Griner, of Nimitz High School in Houston, dunks during warmups and during the playoff playoff game against Stratford High. Griner finished with 33 points. She is signed to play for Baylor.


Who the fuck does this dude think he is? We have already seen Juwanaman. It's not like your fooling anyone here buddy. It's like trying to crash a wedding right after
Wedding Crashers came out. Everybody is looking for it. I understand that you couldn't hack it with the boys at D 1 level, but c'mon I can see your adams apple from here and that's a pretty grainy video.

For the 1% chance that this is a chick, I am scared shitless. She would literally break your dick off during sex and laugh the whole way through it. Calling you a bitch, asking who's your daddy? It would be like that stint I did at Baltimore Correctional Facility.

YouTube Video of the Day

Monday, February 23, 2009

We're Aren't Experts: The AL Central

Ed. note: This is the fourth installment of the BWP exclusive baseball preview. If you're new to fight club, you have to fight, and also you've missed the following:

John declares the AL East the only division that matters.

Rob insults the state of Wisconsin in the NL Central preview.
John takes a look at the NL East and uses the word "Jesuser."

On deck (baseball term lol) is Rob with the AL Central. Coming soon is Greg on the western divisions, followed by our playoff predictions and fearless championship picks.

The AL Central is a very interesting division. I say this because I know nothing about it. Who won this division last year? The White Sox? Good for them. Actually, this division is really good. Compared to other divisions. Really ever since people stopped juicing, they're not so good at baseball any more.

The AL Central is home to four baseball teams and the Royals. Cleveland and Chicago should be good, Detroit spends more money than everyone else even though they suck, and the other team is Minnesota.

Kansas City Royals. Before we were born, this team was not only good, not only relevant, but they actually won a championship! How crazy is that? Kansas City! They used to be good! They have Alex Gordon playing third base, which would be great if third base was a position where you get points for not realizing your potential. Unfortunately it works like everything else in baseball. Also, beyond Gilga Meche I can't name a single guy in their pitching rotation. They make the Brewers look like the late-70s Orioles.

(They had four 20-game winners. We used to be relevant too.)

Anyways the point is that Kansas City is terrible and all their players suck. I can't name anyone else besides Gordon in their infield and I'm a baseball nerd. Jesus, this team is in disrepair. They are a nonfactor.

Detroit Tigers. They spent about two billion dollars last year to finish in last place, even behind the Royals, which is no small feat. Maybe they did it to set up a Rays-like worst-to-first run this year and become America's darlings. Maybe they did it because they are bad at baseball. All I know is that between Justin Verlander, Gary Sheffield, and probably other people on the team that I don't know, a lot of these guys used to be pretty good. Oh, and Joel Zumaya, who was supposed to be some flamethrower but then hurt himself playing Guitar Hero. You know, that makes me feel great. I'm awesome at Guitar Hero, yet a millionaire major league athlete can't even do it without crucially injuring himself. That's great for the old self-esteem.

Anyways, Todd Jones retired last year or something so that has to make this team better. Also, they have Curtis "Baby Grand" Granderson, which is a solid nickname. Everyone else on the team sucks though.

Minnesota Twins. The Little Engine That Could. They pay their players in used tennis shoes and beer and yet they still field a competitive team every year. Homegrown hero Joe Mauer, country-strong (even if that country is Canada) Justin Morneau, and more pitchers than you could shake a stick at. Coincidentally, many batters attempt to swing sticks at these pitchers and miss. This is part of what makes their pitching staff good.

But this year it seems like they lack the talent to make a huge splash, especially in a pretty competitive division. I still think they have a lot of good pieces in place and... oh sorry, too much analysis. Uhh, the Metrodome is a piece of shit.

Cleveland Racist Mascots. Hey-ah ho-yah hey-ah ho-yah!!!!! Thanks for Albert Belle, you fuckheads. Remember when Cleveland and Baltimore was an awesome rivalry? That was a lot of fun. Now they've got a few guys who may or may not rebound, Pronk! and Victor Martinez. They also have uberstud Grady Sizemore and unbelievable Cy Young winner Cliff Lee. There's a lot to like about Cleveland. Unless you look at their racist mascot. Hey-ah ho-yah hey-ah ho-yah!!!!

Chicago White Sox. I can't get behind a team that spells its name like a 13 year old girl on AOL. "LOL did u c the wite sox play 2dai?" I like Carlos Quentin and... uhhh... Mark Buehrle. This team is almost exactly like the Cubs. They play well and win their division but I can't figure out how or why. I don't like anybody on their team.

After looking at a roster, the pitching was downright shocking last year. Gavin Floyd and John Danks? Who saw that coming? Jermaine Dye and Paul Konerko are nice too. Whatever.

Standings prediction that will most certainly come exactly true:

1. Chicago (91-71)
2. Minnesota (89-73)
3. Cleveland (85-77)
4. Detroit (80-82)
5. Kansas City (Is it possible to have negative wins?)

From Latent Racism to John Madden

Did anybody catch the Magic Johnson sit down with Lebron James on Sunday?

Who was the production designer for this interview? I know it's black history month but this is just ridiculous. Black curtains and 2 random ethnic, cultural decorations? Oh, and the vases in the back, too. Nothing screams "basketball legends" like some good pottery, especially if you ask Rasheed Wallace.

I am convinced that Mike D'Antoni is the one who told A-Rod to go public. It's brilliant. New Yorkers need to be pissed at someone for their sports, so with the focus on A-Rod, Mike D'Antoni's debacle of a first season in New York is quietly swept under the rug.

I was hoping to ramble more, but I just realized I don't know anything about the NBA.....switching gears.

The Replacements has to be in consideration for the best sports movie ever made.

A bunch of scrubs comes in mid-season during a strike, lead by former Ohio State Buckeye Shane Falco, who apparently had a terrible Sugar Bowl a few years back. The players on strike don't really do anything, though. They are always just standing outside of the stadium, or harassing the scabs in a bar. Their families must hate them. The team of scabs does a few dances or something and end up getting into the playoffs somehow. I've seen this movie probably 15 times and still have no idea what happens. It's kind of hard to keep your brain going when half the movie is either Keanu Reaves or John Madden talking.

Why it should be considered:
Filmed in Baltimore
The 7-Up Guy
Keanu Reeves
Deaf Wide Reciever
Their kicker went on to eat Hannibal's sister in Hannibal Rising
Gene Hackman's Hat
Stripper Cheerleaders, and the old guy with binoculars about to bust/die of a heart attack while watching them
features the line "it looks like I just jacked off an elephant"
John Madden
....That's all I really remember from this movie, even though I'm watching it as I'm writing this as I'm watching it.

I guess that's all. "While you guys are out there getting pounded by Dallas....just kidding...I'm gonna be drinkin beer on my boat." One of the great monologues of our time.

Hating: Student Cheering Sections

College basketball is probably the least fucked-up sport we've got. I mean, think about it. Baseball? Everyone cheats. Football? Everyone cheats but no one cares. NBA? Nobody tries until the last four minutes of each game. College football? Not until there's a playoff.

Apparently there are other sports called "hoc-key" and... oh, nevermind, this one just says football again.

So college basketball has it right. There's a playoff with 64 mother-loving teams. There's excitement and pageantry. Everyone's got a shot. It's wonderful. Except one glaring error: Student cheering sections.

Like most other horrible things that suck, the popularization of the uniform student cheering section in college basketball can be credited to Duke, where the "Cameron Crazies" have been deciding that if they paint their faces and chant "Sweat Gary, Sweat!" it might help their team of privileged white people and referees steal more games.

Unfortunately, like most epidemics, it spread wide and with reckless abandon. Now, for some reason, every school thinks that they need to come up with some gimmicky name for their student section, as if showing up wearing team colors and screaming wasn't good enough. So Michigan State has the Snoop Dogg-sounding "Izzone," Pitt has the Oakland Zoo (They're ANIMALS!), and we used to have the horrifingly communist "Red Army." That's not even to mention the terrifying "eRUPPtion zone" at Kentucky. I just hope it involves Ashley Judd.

I thoroughly enjoyed the shirts they gave out at Penn State last year or the year before, though. Since up until this year Penn State basketball has been about as relevant as Vanilla Ice and only slightly more white, the "Nittwitts'" shirts said "Start the tradition." That's right... we've got to start some kind of support for our basketball team.

It's just dumb. First off, if everyone shows up wearing the same ugly mustard-colored "Oakland Zoo" shirts, it gives the opposing team a nice wall to look at. If people, you know, look different (This is difficult at Duke even when wearing different clothes), it helps magnify your numbers.

Second, it encourages people to be boring and cliche. Let's all wear the same shirts and do the same old, tired chants! Uniformity is bad. The best effects from the crowd aren't the giant pinwheels spinning around during free throws (which players always say doesn't effect them anyways), the best things come from individual creativity. Like the Maryland fan that spread word around campus in Durham that Nik Caner-Medley's girlfriend, "Myra," had a pet name for him, "Piggie." The resulting chant sounded an awful like one of those practical jokes.

It's just so played out. Every school thinks that they need to be the obnoxious Cameron Crazies, but haven't we spent college hearing about how good diversity is? Look, I know your crazy hair and your whiteout shirt and your Maryland flag you're wearing as a cape all helped Greivis Vasquez put up 35/11/10 against Carolina, but give it a rest. Knowledgeable, creative fans will always be better than a couple thousand kids chanting "Let's! Go! [Our acronym]!"

And if you agree, we'll have "The Blazers" shirts for our cheering section soon.

Woman Fails Driving Test 775 Times


Yahoo News: SEOUL, Feb 21 – A South Korean woman who has failed the driver's exam 775 times is not about give up on her hope of buying a truck one day to go into her own business, whether other drivers want her on the road or not.

Cha Sa-soon, 68, has been trying since 2005 to pass the written portion of the test to get a licence, but she has so far failed to get the 60 percent required to clear it.

Driving schools in South Korea offer courses to enable applicants to walk away with a licence in a week. Cha has not been fortunate enough to set foot in such a class, which tends to congregate more in busy metropolitan areas, but she remains unfazed, even after having spent more than 10 million won ($6,800) on test applications.

"I believe you can achieve your goal if you persistently pursue it," she says. "So don't give up your dream, like me. Be strong and do your best."



You can add your own "women can't drive" joke whenever you like, but I'm siding with Cha on this one. How dare the South Korean Government expect any women to get above a 60% on any sort of examination that doesn't asks questions about casserole making or dish washing. It's things like this that make me proud to be in a country where the only thing a woman needs to get a license is to dress like she's on Rock of Love and give the 50 year old divorced driving instructor that little "I will go down on you right now if you pass me, because there is no way in shit that I will ever be able to parallel park" look.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Obligatory Sunday Post

So it seems like we aren't going to be much of a weekend blog. Make sure you keep reading M-F.

Also, in case you're wondering my take on the ridiculous upset last night, I didn't see it. I was in Annapolis. But go Terps.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Song of the Day: Ol' Dirty Bastard- Got Your Money

"I have no trouble with you fucking me, but I got a little problem with you not fucking me."

There was Shakespeare, Maya Angelou, Edgar Allan Poe, some Japanese guy who invented the Haiku, etc. but no one wrote with such grace and eloquence as the one they called ODB. A renaissance man indeed.


Friday, February 20, 2009

We're Aren't Experts: The NL East

Ed. note: This is the third installment of BWP's baseball season preview, where we'll be breaking down all six or so divisions in baseball, one of which we know anything about.

In case you missed the first two, here's John's take on the AL East. And here's Rob on the NL Central. This is John on the NL East.

The AL East's red-headed step child...except it hits back. The Phillies are reigning champions, and yet Delaware is the only state that really seems to care anymore since Kurt Warner shat in his own pillow case and gave the Super Bowl to the Steelers. Anyone else think that Jesus is cheating on his number 1 fan with the younger, Jesuser Tim Teabow? Alright lets look at the Phillies and whoever else makes up this wretched division.

Philadelphia

Reigning champs, best team ever blah, blah, blah. They are a very good team. Utley and Howard with the bats, Myers and Hammels with the heat, and Katie Couric with the CBS Evening News. The weakest link has to be their bullpen, but no bullpen in this division holds a candle to...

New York


The Boston Strangler is the Mets' biggest fan. What? Like you have a better joke about choking? Fuck yourself. It really doesn't matter who is on the Mets' roster this year, as their bullpen will inevitably blow the season. Big shout out to David Wright, though. He is a big fan of Virginia Tech, and thus by extension, this blog. BWP would like to thank David Wright for this continuing support of our material. Can we get our money now?

Atlanta


There's a surprising number of Canadians on this team, which has to count for something. Last year, Atlanta was the site of the All-Star game, which is not to say this is a city of all-stars. Atlanta's numbers were sub-par last year, amounting to only 34 wins and a bizarre 8 overtime losses, which I'm assuming means extra innings losses. It didn't help that the Braves only participated in 82 games, either. Look for the Braves to actually complete a full MLB season this year, lead by their Captain, Ilya Kovalchuk.

Florida


Just a bad franchise, but they have won more World Series this century than the Yankees, so they are good in my book. Still, 2/3 of the top 3 NL Rookie of the Year vote getters, Dan Uggla and Hanley Ramirez, are on this roster. Too bad the Marlins have been trying this whole looking forward to the future thing for years now. They are the Dippin' Dots of baseball.

Washington


I went to a Nat's game with Rob last year. The first pitch of the game was a home run for the Marlins. The Nationals lost that game pretty badly. They have a nice stadium, though. Except when you leave in you're in the middle of Sowf Eest. Nothing good can be said about this team except for "Zimmerman."

Predictions (nothing more than guesses)

Philadelphia- 93-69
New York- 87-75
Florida- 81-81
Atlanta- 28-46-12
Washington- 0-185

We're Aren't Experts: The NL Central

Ed. note: This is the second installment of BWP's baseball season preview, where we'll be breaking down all six or so divisions in baseball, one of which we know anything about.

If you missed the first installment, here's John's take on the AL East.

So I thought it would be funny if I tried to break down the division in baseball I know the least about, and decided on the National League Central. This is a very proud division because it includes three teams that have won championships in the past 100 years. Unfortunately, it also includes the Cubs, Astros and... Lions? Oh, Milwaukee.

Pittsburgh Pirates. Unfortunately, one of the "proud" franchises is Pittsburgh. At least they won the Super Bowl. You have to blame the ownership of the team here: They've tried to build a team with players who suck at baseball. Not a sound business decision. Can you believe this team used to be relevant? They can't even lay claim to the ugliest player in the major leagues, because Tom Gorzelanny can't even throw well enough to secure a spot on this piss-poor team and is stuck in the minors. Just a shameful experience all-around.

Milwaukee Brewers. Still the fattest city in America even after losing CC Sabathia to free agency, which has to count for something. Actually it doesn't, because they're a horrible team. I believe their pitching rotation this year is Dave Bush, Oil Can Boyd, me, a JUGS machine and then whoever wins the KISS 99 "Takin' Care of Business" prize for calling in how many times Bachman Turner Overdrive came on during the power hour. At least they still have Jewish Baseball Superstar* Ryan Braun.

* - May not actually be Jewish.

Houston Astros. When we were kids, the Astros had a bunch of players whose last names started with the letter "B," so they were called "The Killer B's." Fox would always put up a graphic about this complete with a buzzing sound. Long story short, this team sucks and is irrelevant. However, they do have Roy Oswalt, a pretty good pitcher who also might be the biggest redneck in major league baseball, as well as Lance "Big Puma" Berkman, who looks like he should be playing rec basketball somewhere, as well as Hunter Pence, who only needs a "IV" at the end of his name before we crown him the whitest man on earth. I like to see my crackers out there representing, but unfortunately Japanese people, Dominican people, Cuban people, etc etc etc... pretty much everyone besides white Americans... is better at baseball than white people. So this team sucks.

Cincinnati Reds. This team actually has a lot of talent, including Johnny Cueto, whose bandwagon I was on before everyone else. Unfortunately, Cueto is not a good baseball player so that doesn't count for much. But they do have "the next big thing" Jay Bruce, "the next big thing" Joey Votto, "the next big thing" Thomas Edinson Volquez and "the next big thing circa 2004" Edwin Encarnacion. So they're young and talented, which is good for a sports team. Unfortunately, I don't know anything about them besides that, and the fact that the three teams below them suck. So... whatever.

St. Louis Cardinals. 2008 NL and Rob Gindes Fantasy Team MVP Albert Pujols is the best baseball player ever. He played last season with a torn ligament in his elbow, a fractured tibia, a spinal concussion, painful kidney stones, a urinary tract infection and a broken heart. Yet he still almost willed a team full of flunkies into the playoffs. Also, Rob Gindes Fantasy X Factor Ryan Ludwick suddenly became a great baseball player. On top of that, Chris Carpenter is finally healthy enough to break his arm in April, so watch out for that. I think they have one of the Flying Molinas catching for them as well, so that's very nice. They also have Skip Schumacker, who apparently is an actual person. It should be a fruitful season for the Cardinals.

Chicago Cubs. Despite not winning a championship in 100 years, the Cubs are now perennial favorites to win the NL Central because they spend lots of money. Unfortunately, money can't buy them love, and they always end up losing in the playoffs because they are cursed by a goat or something. Alfonso Soriano lied about his age, didn't he? Didn't that happen a few years ago? So we all thought he was like 24 and really he was like 89? Apparently he's still good though. Rich Harden is the best pitcher in baseball or something, but he gets hurt every year. Who's good on this team? Zambrano? Or something? Derrek Lee? Does it bother anyone that everyone on this team is old, injury-prone, or both? I was going to pick them to win the division but jeez.

Fearless predictions/numbers that might add up to 162.


1. St. Louis Cardinals
88-74.
2. Chicago Cubs 87-75.
3. Cincinnati Reds 81-81.
4. Houston Astros 77-85.
5. Milwaukee Brewers 70-92.
6. Pittsburgh Pirates 14-148.

Bad Ideas by Rob Gindes, part 1 of ∞

So as per usual, I was going to run a version of the column that ran in the newspaper today, but I held off because it was so centric to the online version of the paper, and people that read this from my area have probably read the column, whereas people who are not from around here probably have no idea what it's about.

In short, I was worried that the idea of writing a column about how anonymous hate comments are lame wasn't going to play in a forum that encouraged anonymous hate comments. Judging by this:

This is one of the worst articles I've ever read in my entire life. Its hard to believe that writer is a journalism major. Actually with the likes of Jason Blair maybe he fits right in. Just because you don't like some of the comments posted you write a crybaby article about it?

I was... right. I guess. You know, for the record, Jayson Blair was a great writer. He just sort of made everything up.

Instead of the normally scheduled programming, let's do Oscar previews instead:

Slumdog Millionaire. Didn't see it.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Didn't see it.
Frost/Nixon. Didn't see it.
The Reader. Didn't see or read it.
Milk. Didn't drink it.

So there you go! If anyone played a mentally challenged person this year, they'll win, otherwise the only lock is that someone will make a scummy liberal statement about how great Hollywood is and how everyone is stupid.

You can take that to the bank. And if you disagree, well, we support anonymous hate comments.

THON Starts Today!





Usually I won't talk about anything that doesn't have to do with sports, potty humor, or some combination of the two, but today is a little different because today marks the beginning THON weekend at Penn State.

You can read all about THON here but basically thousands of Penn State students go into our basketball gym (which is also important because there is never more than 300 people in there at any time, especially during basketball games) and have a 46 hour dance marathon to mark the culmination of fund raising that goes on all year round.

Last year we raised $6.6 million to pay for the medical costs of children with pediatric cancer. It's basically one of the only good things I get involved with and if you are thinking about getting involved or just thinking about getting involved with me (SINGLE LADIEEESSS, MAKE NOISE!), check out the site regardless and see just how awesome this thing really is.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

New dean of my school promises to save Christmas

Pictured left: Snow miser. Pictured right: New dean of the Phillip Merrill College of Journalism, Kevin Klose. By all accounts he's a cool guy, but then again so is Snow miser. Just watch out for his evil twin brother, Heat Miser Klose.

YouTube Video of the Day

We're Aren't Experts: The AL East

Ed. note: This is going to be the first in a random series of baseball previews, because we are all baseball fans. Despite the title of the series, I consider John to be a very reputable source of the AL East. But the other five... six? six divisions. Seven divisions are anyone's guess. Five divisions.

Since this is the only blog anyone cares about, I figured I'd limit my baseball outlook to the only division that anyone cares about, the AL East. The east is on a whole other level. The rest of the AL still exists only for fantasy baseball purposes at this point, and the NL's only real purpose is to ultimately determine an opponent for the AL East in the World Series. So without further ado: your contenders...and the Orioles.

Let me start by saying that I am an avid Red Sox fan, and have been all my life. The only thing better than being a Sox fan is growing up in the Baltimore area wearing a Sox hat everywhere. I've gotten the complete spectrum of heckling, ranging from the nonsensical ("SPYGATE! SPYGATE!" at Camden Yards) to the downright awesome. ("Why don't you go masturbate with razor blades you emo bitch" while walking the streets of downtown Annapolis) Gotta love Baltimore fans. When you're team sucks this bad, misdirected rage takes some of the most creative forms I've ever seen. Anyway, without any more further ado: your contenders...and the Orioles.

Tampa Bay

Just drop "Devil" from your name and Jesus grants you a miracle season. It's not gonna happen again, though. He'd die for you one time but never again. They won't be taking anyone by surprise this year. They've still got the pieces, though. They've been pretty quiet during the off-season, keeping the young talent alive while bringing in some veteran depth to the outfield. Assuming Upton stays healthy and Percival can shut down the late innings, the Rays will still be in the running.

It's like losing your virginity. The first time, you're just caught up in the thrill, you have no idea what's going on, you have no idea what to expect, you just get caught up in the moment. That was the Rays last year. They were put in a great position, but had no idea how to handle it and just went with it. This season will be like the second time. You've been there, but don't really know how you got there, so you try and recreate the scenario and over think everything and it just gets awkward. You end up laying on her hair, elbows go places they shouldn't, the dog keeps staring at you like he knows....mocking you...where was I going with this? Oh yeah, the Rays. Like trying to keep yourself going by thinking about baseball, the Rays need to keep thinking about sex to stay afloat in the AL East. There was a point in there somewhere. If you find it, let me know.

Boston
Homerisms aside, Boston is stacked. All anyone can talk about is Boston's "off year" last year. If getting a game away from the World Series is an off year, you are looking at a scary team. Smoltz is a great pick up. He's the kind of guy that would deck his own kid in a backyard football game if it meant getting the win. Pedroia is the reigning MVP, and Youk finished 3rd in the voting. Coco is gone, leaving Ellsbury with free range over Center. Hopefully he can win me another free Taco. And a ring. I could go on forever with this team, so I'll stop it here. They are wicked awesome.

New York
Fuck em. And steroids. That is all.

Toronto
Next time you get in a conversation with a baseball fan, stop them in mid-conversation and ask them to name 5 players on the Blue Jays. I don't think it can be done. A plummeting economy has lead to a forgettable off-season. In the AL East, you need to constantly improve to stay competitive. Not even the Blue Jays are expecting the Blue Jays to do anything this year, so why even waste the time elaborating. Besides, they bombed the Baldwins.

Baltimore


Help us, Matt Wieters, you're our only hope. I love ya, Baltimore. Outfield is solid, infield is solid, bats are alive, on paper it looks great. The only problem is MLB rules dictate that a team must have a Pitcher start every game. Knowing Peter Angelos, he will probably focus his time and money on trying to amend this rule rather than actually investing in some good young pitching. So close, Baltimore! I must say, though, don't be surprised the see the division rest on a few key series at Camden Yards down the stretch, and except the O's to show up. Just like their fans, if they have to be miserable they are gonna take as many people down with them as they can.

Predictions (random, arbitrary numbers totaling 162):
1. Boston 98-64
2. Tampa Bay 95-67
3. New York 88-74
4. Baltimore 75-87
5. Toronto 69-93

Morning Musings: Racism in cartoons

Wake up white people! We're racist again.

I can't sleep because I'm an insomniac, but this morning the rest of America can't sleep because of this:


This, if you haven't heard, is a "racist" cartoon that was published in the New York Post. Because apparently the author is somehow alleging that Barack Obama is a monkey.

'Kay. If you think this is racist, you are retarded.

Think about it: Why would a political cartoonist at a national newspaper, trying to make a statement about how the government is sucking at trying to repair the economy, throw in a racial slur against the president just for shits and giggles? Please attempt to explain why this would happen.

If you don't know--and I didn't--the cartoon is a reference to police in Connecticut that shot a pet chimp who had gone off the deep end. The crime here isn't racism, it's the fact that like every other political cartoon ever, it doesn't make sense and isn't funny.

We're absolutely never going to advance as a country if shit like this keeps getting called racism. Yes, it's a monkey. Yes, rednecks have used the term "monkey" for black people. Yes, the president is black. That doesn't mean any of this is connected. Let it go. If I wanted to interpret everything everyone said to me as a slight, I could. But then where would I be? Sitting here pissed at everyone for shit that didn't even happen. It's time to live your own life.

I'm sure I'm going to get called racist for bringing this up, but in a journalism class, in a section on ethics, we read a story by a black journalist who was offended when someone used the following horrible, slanderous, racist term to describe him:

(You ready?)

Articulate.

That's right. Articulate. "Articulate" is a compliment. "Using language easily and fluently; having facility with words: an articulate speaker," according to Dictionary.com. And this guy, who has a section of a freaking textbook to explain this, goes on to say that he was offended that a reporter reffered to him as articulate. Why? Because somehow, he said, the underlying meaning was that black people normally aren't articulate.

...You know what, jackass? The guy shouldn't have called you articulate. Not because it's racist, but because you're not. You're an idiot. Most people aren't articulate. When someone compliments you, you shouldn't assume that they implied "You're [compliment X], unlike everyone else who looks like you!" That's just ignorant.

So keep getting pissed at stuff like this if you want to, and keep stunting the growth of society as a whole. I just hope that one day we're all a lot more... articulate.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

DROP THE HAMMER! PENN STATE WINS IN CHURCH LEAGUE BASKETBALL FASHION!

Did we just score 38 points and win on the road? My rec league basketball team just scored more than them tonight with a 30 minute running clock. Although the LA Sparks Lions played like shit, they did close out another game which would never happen in the past.

American Idol sucks now.

Didn't this show used to be good? I think they've just become creatures of habit and they think all the quirks and nuances are more important than what we came here to see: Simon saying something horrible to some kid and then the kid crying. Now they just cry out tears of joy, or something stupid like that.

I just turned it on and IS THAT KUMAR??!!? Kal Penn is on the show right now?!!?!? Oh, well I guess not because fat Josh Turner is moving on. Sheesh, this is a shit show. This guy's a rugged oil rig worker? His performance right now is about as masculine as a box full of tampons. What happened to Daughtry?

It just sucks because as you probably know, I hate a lot of TV now, and this show used to be awesome. The beginning shows were always the best and even those were terrible this year--I haven't actually watched as much as I am right now since then. The formula used to be very simple:

Some crazy people + Some really good people + Some really interesting back stories + Hilarious Simon = TV MAGIC.

The formula is now:

Lots of crazy people + Few good people + a TON of back stories that vary from "sort of interesting" to "who the fuck cares" + a coked-out Paula and some other girl no one's ever heard of giving Simon shit because someone told them to = TERRIBLE.

So I don't care about any of the people, none of them become successful in the music industry any more, and there's nothing to hold my interest.

It wasn't that long ago that we had Kellie Pickler on this show. Now it's Kumar and a fat version of Josh Turner that sounds like a mix between Clay Aiken and a cat getting thrown out of a 12th-story window. This is the best we have now?

At least there's only 22 minutes until LOST.

What to Watch Tonight

Lost 9pm ABC: Probably the best show on TV that doesn’t involve Bobby Flay

Life on Mars 10pm ABC: From what I can tell, this shows about some guy who gets a knock on the head or something and then is in the 70’s as a cop wandering the streets and wondering when this show will be cancelled. Jamie Lynn Spears’ child has a better chance at a PHD than this crap fest of a program has at another season.

Real World 10 pm MTV: It’s one of the worst seasons ever. No drop dead gorgeous girls, no raving alcoholic meatheads, shitty city, etc. Also, how did it take the rest of the cast so long to figure out that this train wreck of a human being was really a guy? I haven’t called something out so quickly since I figured out George Michaels was gay after the first 15 seconds of the Wake Me Up Before You Go Go music video.

Penn State @ Illinois 7pm: Could the Penn State Jack off’s really make the tournament? If they get a big win at Assembly Hall tonight, it’s looking like more and more of a possibility. That’s the good news. The bad news is that this means Ed DeChellis will probably get a 30 year contract extension for the team’s “success.”

I’m sure there’s some NBA and hockey on, but I really don’t give a fuck.

Facebook is a Business. You are a retard.

On the news last night there was a big to-do about the Terms of Service on Facebook, that have had people in a tussle because apparently included in the ToS is something about how anything you publish to Facebook becomes property of Facebook.

People are actually mad about this.

I'm sorry, did you think Facebook was benevolent Internet Jesus owned and operated by the people? Facebook is not a cheer-ocracy. Mark Zuckerberg is the cheer-tator. He makes the cheer-cisions and he will deal with the cheer-onsequences.

I get it. It was shady for them to try to own all your shit. I get it. That's really weird. But at the same time, you're logging into FACEBOOK, you're posting your pictures and innermost thoughts and sexual conquests on FACEBOOK, you're giving all your personal information to FACEBOOK. So when it turns out that someone's going to try to say "well if you put all that stuff up, we sort of own it," is it surprising that that person is... Facebook? I say no.

People think that Facebook is like a public commonwealth just because everyone has it. Sort of like how people call bandages "Band-aids" and copies "Xeroxes" and tissues 'Kleenexes" and blogs "BlazingWithPhelpses." When one thing takes over the market so much that it becomes a huge part of the social consciousness, people wrongly assume that it has become a social entity as well. It hasn't. When you log into Facebook and throw your personal information and pictures down, you're giving them to Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg is on the other end looking at your drunk pictures. And he is masturbating furiously.

Yes, it was a shady dick move when they tried to sneak that by us in the terms of service, and no, I'd rather they not claim ownership of all the things I use their site for. But the thing is, it's their site and their rules, no matter how shady, and if you don't like it, then stop using them. Stop putting your pictures on their site. Because even if Facebook gets beaten back on this one--and I think they will--they still have the capability to do all sorts of shady shit and they certainly will again.

And when you complain again just remember that you don't own Facebook and you never will. If you don't like it, you can leave. Mark Zuckerberg will not miss you. He will be rolling around in piles of money. And he will be masturbating furiously.

More news because we hate you

Recently a friend told me the site sucked because there was too much site news and not enough content yet. On the other hand, fuck you.

A few things to announce to our alarming readership: First off... thanks?

We're trying to figure out the best type of content to be giving you guys, so feedback is welcome and encouraged. If you look to the right, one of the contributors is now "BWP," which is the generic account that guest contributors are going to use. And in answer to your question, no, you can't be a guest contributor because you suck at writing.

On top of that, I have a print column running on Friday, which ironically enough is about anonymous commenting online (see below). As soon as I finish that, I might post a parallel column here. Or maybe just the unedited version here. Or something like that. Give me a break, I've given you non-newspaper stuff for a few days.

And as a final note, we are ecstatic to have received our first random hate comment from an anonymous poster. This is awesome. So not only are people looking at this site who don't even know us, but they don't even like the site. This is AWESOME. We're truly on our way.

I love you.

r

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Real Reality: Still Fake

When did "Survivor" debut? Like 10 years ago? It was such a novelty back then. The idea of a "reality show" competition where we bring in real people--crazy, dirty and stupid, just like us!--and offer them some fabulous prize for some series of retarded tasks.

Now here we are, somehow close to the end of this horrible decade, and the concept has become as common as the stock market crashing or a hippie yelling at me about needing to conserve energy. And no one cares any more.

I think we've just taken it too far at this point. I was flipping around channels just now and stumbled upon RuPaul's Drag Race. This is a show, hosted by RuPaul, which is trying to find the best drag queen in America (complete with drag-race theme). You take your time with this paragraph. Re-read it if you need to. I'll wait.

Yes, that's a half hour Vh1 has devoted to RuPaul finding the "best" drag queen. Exactly how do you be a "good" drag queen? Is there a BCS for drag queens? I think the best drag queens would be women. It's like, they're so good at being drag queens, that they're not even men.

But I digress. On top of that, there's a whole slew of ridiculous reality programming nowadays and we've just given in and allowed this to happen. "True Beauty" on ABC, what a crap fest that is. They think they're there to model, but really they're being judged on INNER beauty! Who cares about this? What's the moral of the story, that good-looking people are assholes? Of course we are, how is this worth an hour in primetime?

Vh1, of course, is leading the charge into global stupidity. On top of "Drag Race," they show horrible displays of the decline of mankind's prosperity on this planet such as "For the love of Ray J" (where each girl on the show claims the others are all "gold-digging bitches that's not really here for Ray") and the sign that they're giving up on coming up with new ideas altogether, "I Love Money." Literally, it's a reality show about nothing. It's the Seinfeld of reality shows. And I mean this in the worst way possible.

Actually, that's not the show that's on now. You ready for it? "I Love Money... 2." That's right. This has lasted more than one season. "Freaks and Geeks" only lasted for one season. Now try to tell me there's a God.

Which brings us to the endgame: MTV's new series, "College Life." The tagline promises: "Not reality. Real." Despite the obvious white flag waving that reality shows are just preposterous, they're claiming that this next generation is going to be different. Spoiler alert: It's not.

Basically on this show they've given cameras to four college freshmen and had them film their own lives. So there's your solution to quality programming: Hand the reins over to 18-year-old kids and have them film themselves getting drunk. Wonderful.

If this show opens anyone's eyes about anything, I will eat a box full of lit matches. It's just going to be people playing beer pong, doing homework, going to bars, some drama, and that's about it. I'm sorry, but even the interesting parts of college aren't television-worthy. Improving yourself, making friends, hanging out, partying--who cares? Who tunes in to see this crap?

More likely than not, they're going to spice it up and make it seem like college is this ridiculous fantasyworld. In other words, they're going to make it like every other reality show.

Which is to say, fake.

Dumb Surrendering French Douche Climbs Some Dumb Building in Honk Kong to Promote Awareness That He Sucks Cock

AP

HONG KONG – A French daredevil scaled a 73-story Hong Kong skyscraper barehanded Tuesday, his latest attempt to draw attention to global warming by climbing up the world's tallest buildings.

Alain Robert, dubbed the French spider-man, has scaled dozens of tall structures without ropes or harnesses, including the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Empire State Building in New York and Malaysia's Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur.

It took Robert about 40 minutes Tuesday to scramble up the downtown Cheung Kong Center — the flagship building of Hong Kong's richest man, Li Ka-shing. Upon reaching the top of the 885.83-foot (270-meter) building, Robert waved to a crowd of spectators on the ground below.

The 46-year-old said police officers questioned him after the ascent, but released him without any charges.

Robert said he hoped his climbs could help bring attention to the world's environmental problems.

"The global warming is something that is going to affect the next generation," Robert told reporters on the ground level. "The future is really compromised if we are not doing anything."

Police spokesman Lawrence Li said they were aware of a man outside the building and that he was safe. Li said officers did not press any charge against the man.

It's the fourth time Robert has mounted a skyscraper in Hong Kong. He scrambled up the city's 45-story Four Seasons hotel last year.


I hate these jack-offs that do something stupid like this to say that they're promoting awareness for Global Warming, AIDS, Face AIDS, or cholera (fuck you Oregon Trail). Listen you yellow French bastard: The only thing you are raising awareness to is that you have no job and that one day your greasy cheese surrendering hands are going to slip off one of these buildings and fall all the way to your moronic death. Also, he's climbing buildings that are basically like a fucking ladder. The Eifel Tower? Really? That isn't even hard. Climb something like the Washington Monument and then maybe you will earn your nickname. That's like me saying today I'm going to climb my drain pipe and promote mandatory drug testing at all my favorite brothels. I can't get herpes again, I can't