Friday, November 20, 2009

The Bad Lieutenant: Port Call of New Orleans

When Movies Go Bad

This is a new section where I will be showing you trailers of upcoming movies breaking down the plot, then rating the movie based on beer, shot of hard liquor or spirits as the upper class calls them, or whatever drug I'm experimenting with at the time. Oh by the way I'm Matt Hanratty or as the Puerto Ricans call me . . . Mr. IMDB, sorry I just saw a commercial for Barcardi.

00:30- The movie is heading in a Training Day direction, bad cop(s), the scene is dark and ominous. Wait . . . is that a washed up Val Kilmer playing the partner of a washed up Nick Cage, oh great this movie is already at rock bottom. Will the story help carry the film?

00:44- We find out that Nick Cage has a bad back, too bad its not paralyzing, and that he "Was a good cop." So basically he was a good cop (and actor) but now the times they are a changing. Oh and he's gonna be in severe pain, serves him right after Knowing and Next.

00:57- Oh great the list of actors for this is a who's who of B-List or soon to be B-List and now we throw in rapper turned actor proof that 1 + 1 = 3

01:04- Nick cage has a gun in his pants, no not his dick but a revovler resembling a Colt .44 Magnum, the gun that Eastwood uses in the Dirty Harry films. So now Cage is trying to be a bad-ass cop. In real life his captain would put his foot so far up his ass that Cage would have to learn to tie shoes with his tounge. But will let it continue on the grounds that it brings back the edge that the movie lost when Xzibit showed up.

01:11- Oh come on don't tell me you didn't see the drug use coming, the title of the movie is The Bad Lieutenant so you know he's not a good guy. Also back pain, come one tell me how many of you have taken pain killers when you weren't even in pain, yes you in the back. So the movie has been laid out for us good cop gone bad.

02:23- I would like to let you know that this scene was improvised by Cage himself after massive drug use preparing for the role. Oh yeah everything that happened over the last minute or so was extremely pointless to even describe. When a cop goes bad he either steals from crooks, uses drugs, abuses his/her power or a combination of the prior.

How the movie plays out . . .
Cage slowly slips farther and farther into madness over the duration of the film. The first quarter will be seeing him control his illegal activities but it will also so the temptations to go further. By halfway he will have slipped and be forced to get the money back that he stole. 3/4 of the way in Cage will be so surrounded by crime that he will have lost contact with his girl, the lovely Eva Mendes, and his friends in the police. In the last quarter of the film Cage's downward spiral will have hit rock bottom and will most likely lead to his death, which by my guess, and hopes, will be violent. Leaving the audience with a message don't watch Nick Cage movies.

Rating: In order to enjoy this I say have yourself a case of your favorite beer ready it's gonna be a long night.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Clipped Wing Award: 2009

To the Oriole that demonstrates outstanding ability in fucking up the game.

t1.Jeremy Guthrie6

David Hernandez6
t2.Rich Hill5

Jim Johnson5

Jason Berken5

Douchey Matt Albers5

Aubrey Huff5
t3.Bob McCrory4

Melvin Mora4

Chris Ray4

Peter Angelos4

Cesar Izturis4
t4.Mark Hendrickson3

George Sherrill3

Ty Wigginton3

Luke Scott3

Matt Wieters3

Nick Markakis3

Brian Bass3

Chris Tillman3

Adam Eaton3
t5.Brian Roberts2

Danys Baez2

Adam Jones2
t6.Gregg Zaun1

Angel Hernandez1

Koji Uehara1

Brian Matusz1

Chad Moeller1

Nolan Reimold1

Sean Henn1

Felix Pie1

Sunday, October 11, 2009

2009 Orioles Season Recap.

This picture sums up the O's season rather nicely.

So there you have it. The O's finished the 2009 season with a 64-98 record. That is 5 more losses than the previous season and it makes for a 12th straight losing season. Overall, it was season of disappointment. In the end it was the pitching that did the Orioles in.

Looking at the BWP Clipped Wing Award leaderboard, 6 of the 7 top award winners were pitchers. Jeremy Guthrie and David Hernandez tied for the CWA championship, fucking up 6 games apiece. Guthrie entered the season as the staff "ace" and finished the season with 17 losses and a 5.04 ERA so I give him the nod as the ultimate winner (or loser).

Looking forward to 2010, Brian Matusz and Chris Tillman must make noticeable strides in their sophomore seasons and show that they are capable of taking the reigns as the top 2 pitchers on the O's staff. It will be interesting to see what the O's do in the offseason to improve their bullpen and the team as a whole.

With Matt Wieters, Nick Markakis, Adam Jones, Nolan Reimold and the young O's pitching there is some hope for the O's future. But when you are in the same division with the Red Sox, Yankees, and Rays, it is always going to be an uphill battle. Unfortunately I feel that things might be pretty bleak for the O's until Peter Angelos is killed in a bloody coup.

See you again next season (maybe).

Alright Let's Get This O's Season Over With.

Let's be honest. This blog is dead. I doubt we will continue to write for it much more in the future. But I feel like I owe it to myself to finish off this O's season.

Here's the deal. I'm going to do the rest of the recaps in this post and then I'm going to make another post with a full season recap. I hope you enjoy. I am depressed about the Ravens so it will actually be nice to write about the O's one last time before next year (I can't believe I just said that).

Anyways, lets rewind back to the end of September.

9/28: The O's got a decent starting pitching effort from Mark Hendrickson, as he surrendered 3 runs in 6 innings. Melvin Mora and Brian Roberts each drove in 2 runs for the O's, but the bullpen sucked yet again, as the O's were handed a 7-6 loss at the hands of the Tampa Bay Rays.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Douchey Matt Albers!

Douchey! It's been awhile. A stint in the minors wasn't enough to straighten out his below average abilities. He gave up 3 earned runs in 2/3 of an inning.

9/29: Jeremy Guthrie was handed his 17th loss of the season as the O's lost 3-1. Not much to say about this one. The O's bats were silenced by Wade Davis and the Rays squeaked out enough runs to get the win.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Peter Angelos!

God I hate this guy so much. Thanks for making baseball depressing.

9/30: David Hernandez continued his spectacular season, surrendering 5 runs in 4 1/3 innings as the O's lost 5-3. Ty Wigginton drove in 2 runs with a pinch hit home run.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... David Hernandez!


10/1: The O's avoided the sweep as they won 3-1. Jeff Fiorentino, Melvin Mora, and Nick Markakis drove in the O's runs and Chris Waters threw 5 solid innings, surrendering 1 earned run. Jim Johnson earned his 9th save of the season.

10/2: Jason Berken pitched horribly, but the O's pounded David Purcey for 7 runs as the O's won 13-7. Michael Aubrey had 2 homers and Matt Wieters had a HR as well for the O's.

10/3: Mark Hendrickson turned in another decent outing, giving up 3 runs in 6 1/3 innings to earn a 6-3 win for the O's. Jeff Fiorentino drove in 2 runs for the O's.

10/4: The O's earned the series sweep and ended the season on a positive note with a 5-4 victory. Jeremy Guthrie threw 7 2/3 solid innings and the Blue Jays committed 2 errors, allowing the O's to score the game winner in the bottom of the 11th inning.

And with that, the O's season mercifully came to a close. Stay tuned for a season recap. Yikes, Baltimore sports are depressing right now.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

That Stench You Smell Is The Baltimore Orioles.

There have been 6 games since I have last updated. The Orioles have lost all of them. Let's hand out some awards.

On Monday, the O's opened a 3 game series with the Blue Jays. Chris Tillman turned in a poor effort (4 earned runs in 5 innings) to earn his 4th loss as the Jays won 9-2. Felix Pie drove in both runs for the O's.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Bob McCrory!

McCrory is making a late season push up the CWA leaderboard with his poor pitching performances. He pitched 2/3 of an inning and gave up 4 earned runs in this game.

On Tuesday, the O's carried a 5-2 lead going into the 8th inning. Naturally their bullpen blew it and they lost 6-5 in 11 innings. Brian Roberts drove in 2 runs for the O's

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Jim Johnson!

He blew the save, he gets the award.

On Wednesday, the Blue Jays won 7-3 to finish off the sweep. Jeremy Guthrie pitched poorly giving up 7 runs in 7 innings. Michael Aubrey and Matt Wieters homered for the O's.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Jeremy Guthrie!

He now has the CWA lead!

On Friday, the O's opened up a weekend series against the Cleveland Indians. David Hernandez pitched well enough to keep the O's in the game, allowing 2 earned runs in 6 innings. However a fielding mistake by Melvin Mora and some untimely hitting by the O's helped the Indians pull out a 4-2 victory. Nick Markakis homered for the O's.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Cesar Izturis!

Izturis went 1/4 with a strikeout while leaving 6 men on base.

On Saturday, Jason Berken sucked, the bullpen sucked, and the O's lost 9-8. Luke Scott homered and drove in 3 runs for the O's.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Sean Henn!

No clue who he is but he gave up 3 runs without recording an out. WOOOOOO!

On Sunday, Chris Tillman got shelled and the O's bats were stifled as they lost 9-0. Luke Scott had 2 hits for the Orioles.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Chris Tillman!

6 ER in 2 IP.

So there you have it. With one week left in the season, the O's are playing some of the worst baseball I have ever seen. My updates have gotten progressively worse and I apologize for that. I'm not going to make excuses. No one reads anyway.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

O's Swept By Red Sox... Again.

Emperor Angelos is here to laugh at those of you who actually paid to see the Orioles play this year (Unfortunately I was stupid enough to attend Camden Yards several times this season).




Alright. The O's beat the Red Sox 2 times this season. They played eachother 18 times and the O's could only manage to win 2 of them. I don't even know how to respond to that. The Sox should send Peter Angelos a fruit basket or something. If we had won 5 of those 16 games that we lost, the Sox would have a 2 game lead in the AL Wild Card race instead of a 7 game lead. You're welcome Beantown.

On Friday, Jeremy Guthrie (3 earned runs in 5 2/3 innings) kept the Orioles in the game. Unfortunately, the O's were once again baffled by the pitching of Clay Buchholz as they lost 3-1. Luke Scott drove in the O's lone run with a solo home run.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Peter Angelos!

There wasn't a clear winner from the game due to all O's players sucking equally, so why not give another award to this fuck face?

On Saturday, David Hernandez pitched decently (3 earned runs in 6 innings) only to see it ruined by what the Orioles like to call their "bullpen". The O's relievers gave up 8 runs in 3 innings to turn the game into an 11-5 blowout. Ty Wigginton hit 2 home runs and Matt Wieters went 3/5 with and RBI.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Bob McCrory!

McCrory gave up 5 runs in 2/3 of an inning. All of the runs were unearned due to an error by Wigginton, but I don't care, Bobby still gave up 2 home runs. Man, we suck.

On Sunday, the Red Sox completed the clean sweep as they won 9-3. Jason Berken got lit up (6 earned runs in 3 innings) and Dice-K held the O's to 3 runs. Luke Scott homered for the O's.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Jason Berken!


See you soon with more depressing news from Baltimore!

Friday, September 18, 2009

O's Split Series With The Rays.

The O's finished up a 4 game series with the Tampa Bay Rays yesterday. Here is a recap of the games, full of people I didn't even realize were on the Orioles:

On Monday, the Rays beat the Orioles 8-4 to end their 11 game losing streak. David Hernandez continued his recent streak of bad outings allowing 5 runs in 3 innings. Melvin Mora, Matt Wieters, and Luke Scott each drove in 1 run for the Orioles.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Davis Hernandez!

The long ball continues to kill the O's pitchers. Hernandez has given up 23 HRs on the season and his ERA is now 5.40.

On Tuesday, the Orioles pounded Jeff Niemann as they won 10-5. Jason Berken pitched well enough to earn his fifth win of the season (although his ERA is now 6.08). Matt Wieters had a big day at the plate, going 3/4 with a home run and 5 RBIs. Luke Scott also homered for the O's.

Wednesday's game was an exciting one, as Matt Wieters hit a walk off 2 run home run in the bottom of the 9th to give the O's a 4-2 win. He also threw two runners out at second base earlier in the game. Chris Tillman pitched extremely well for the O's, surrendering only 1 run in 6 2/3 innings.

Yesterday, the O's bats were silenced by Wade Davis as he pitched a complete game shutout to give the Rays a 3-0 victory. Davis struck out 10 batters while only surrendering 4 hits and 2 walks. Mark Hendrickson only lasted 3 1/3 innings as he surrendered 2 runs in his first start since May 12.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Nick Markakis!

Markakis went 0/4 with a strikeout and 4 men left on base.

Tonight the O's open up a weekend series vs. Boston. The Sox are 13-2 against the O's this year. Dear lord that is depressing. I'll be back with plenty of CWAs on Monday.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The O's Still Have A Little Fight Left In Them!?

The O's went into Yankee Stadium this past weekend and actually put together a decent series. This is how it went down:

On Friday, the Orioles pounded out 10 runs on 16 hits as they earned a 10-4 victory. Chris Tillman struck out 8 Yankees in 5 innings, earning his 2nd victory of the year. Brian Roberts led the Orioles with 3 RBIs. On a weird side note, Mark Hendrickson pitched 3 innings for his first career save.

On Saturday, Brian Roberts tore apart Yankees pitching for the second straight game as he went 3/4 with a HR and 4 RBIs. Nolan Reimold also added a HR for the O's as they won 7-3. Brian Matusz had as strong outing, allowing 1 run in 7 innings.

On Sunday, the O's lost 13-3. It was 5-3 going into the bottom of the 8th inning until Chris Waters and Bob McCrory surrendered 8 runs (O's bullpen! woooo). Justin Turner, Chad Moeller, and Jeff Fiorentino (3 future Hall of Famers) each drove in a run for the O's.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Bob McCrory!

McCrory surrendered 4 runs in the bottom of the 8th without recording an out.

Stay tuned later this week for more O's updates and Week 2 NFL Power Rankings.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Stupid mascots make for bad football teams...

Sorry, but it's just an undeniable fact of sports.

Just watch this clip of "Cavman" (from before yesterday's Virginia game vs. TCU).

Cavman is a guy who dresses up as a Cavalier for Virginia football games. I mean, I guess that's cool, but that's not really the point.

Check out some important moments from this video:

:35 seconds - Computer generated Cavman on Scott Stadium jumbotron gets angry after seeing a computer generated horned frog prancing around Virginia's campus. Cavman goes to get his computer generated horse.

1:17 - Cavman (still computer generated) punches horned frog off highway overpass.

1:29- A truck runs over horned frog on said highway. Cavman is driving the truck.

1:51- Real life Cavman rides real life horse onto the field as real life Cavalier football players run to their sideline.

1:59- Camera pans to Cavman, on the ground, after having fallen off of his horse. Cavman unsuccessfully attempts to get back on horse.

Oh, then the football team lost, 30-14.

Theory proven. Thank you Cavman.

Aaron Kraut is a senior journalism major at the University of Maryland. Hire him.

BWP Preseason NFL Power Rankings

I guess the NFL season technically started on Thursday, but I don't like to acknowledge the two teams that played in that game. So tomorrow is the official start of the NFL season. We can now officially put the Orioles season behind us (even though it seems everyone in the O's organization put the season behind them about 2 months ago).

But I digress. I am proud to present a new BWP feature! NFL Power Rankings! Each week, the BWP writers will get together and agree on rankings for each NFL team based on overall performance from the previous week and our opinions on the likelihood of each team making the playoffs.

This week you will get mine and John's take on the preseason rankings because the other writers (the supposed "founders" of this site) are lazy shitheads who can't spare 5 minutes to send me their rankings.

But enough about them. Let's do this!

1. Steelers - As much as I hate to do this, they are the defending champs and they didn't lose any key members from last year's team. Fuck.

2. Patriots - As long as Tom Brady stays healthy, they win the division with ease.

3. Chargers - I have a strong feeling that Tomlinson rebounds from a disappointing 2008 and Shawne Merriman puts the competition in a sleeper hold.

4. Titans - Strong defense and a good running game. Sounds like a recipe for playoff success.

5. Giants - Losing Burress was huge. Who is going to catch Eli Manning's wildly thrown passes?

6. Colts - They are getting older at key positions, but Peyton Manning consistently keeps them in games.

7. Ravens - I'm expecting big things this year from Joe Flacco and the Ravens, who are a year removed from an AFC Championship Game appearance. In a stacked AFC, the Ravens defense gives them a chance to beat any opponent.

8. Eagles - They have built an exciting offense with the additions of WR Jeremy Maclin and PI (prison inmate) Mike Vick.

9. Vikings - Brett Favre! As long as he doesn't fuck it up, the Vikings D and running game have the potential to lead them to the playoffs.

10. Falcons - Matt Ryan is looking to have a successful sophomore campaign

11. Bears - Jay Cutler is an improvement over Kyle Orton.

12. Packers - The NFC North is an interesting division this year. A lot of contenders. The Packers should compete for the division title as long as their D shows improvements from last year.

13. Panthers - Jake Delhomme shit himself in the playoffs. If he can put that behind him, the Panthers have the pieces to make the playoffs again.

14. Cardinals - There is no way Kurt Warner stays healthy two seasons in a row

15. Texans - Everyone's favorite sleeper pick this season. Matt Schaub needs to prove he can stay healthy before the Texans can be considered a serious threat.

16. Saints - The offense is downright scary. The defense, not so much.

17. Cowboys - They got rid of T.O. but the off field distractions continue. How do people actually like this team?

18. Dolphins - Chad Pennington played well last year, but the team is preparing to slowly hand the reigns over to Chad Henne. Defenses are starting to figure out the Wildcat. Sorry Ronnie Brown.

19. Redskins - I can't figure this team out. They could be good or they could suck. Is Jason Campbell good? Judging by what happened this offseason, Dan Snyder doesn't seem to think so.

20. Seahawks - The addition of Houshmandzadeh is big for Matt Hasselbeck but they don't have much to offer at the RB position.

21. Jets - Rex Ryan brings a breath of fresh air to a team that was under the power of dominatrix Eric Mangini last year. This team is heading in the right direction (as long as Mark Sanchez isn't a bust).

22. Jaguars - This team is boring.

23. Bills - T.O. will rip Trent Edwards arm off and beat him senseless with it by Week 6. Put money on it.

24. 49ers - Shaun Hill? Sounds like a long term QB solution to me

25. Bengals - Hard Knocks revealed to me that the Bengals are a poorly run franchise. Marvin Lewis will not have a job at this time next year.

26. Chiefs - Matt Cassell better be good or things could be ugly in KC for years to come.

27. Broncos - Kyle Orton was a slight downgrade from Jay Cutler.

28. Buccaneers - I don't know too much about this team. I think they fired their offensive coordinator last week. This isn't a good sign

29. Browns - Mangenious to the rescue! Jamal Lewis is washed up! Brady Quinn is gay!! Braylon Edwards can't catch! The Browns are fucked!

30. Rams - Hey Rams fans! You are a Marc Bulger injury (very likely) away from Kyle Boller becoming your starting QB. Good luck!

31. Raiders - There is no way Al Davis is still alive. This franchise is embarrassing.

32. Lions - There's nowhere to go but up!

Enjoy Week 1 of the NFL tomorrow. Go Ravens!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Please Just End The Misery Already!

The O's were spared tons of embarrassment this week by only having to play a 2 game series against the Red Sox.

On Tuesday, the O's were blanked for the second game in a row as they lost 10-0. Clay Buchholz continued his wizardry against the O's as he pitched 7 scoreless innings. David Hernandez got lit up as he lasted only 2 2/3 innings.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... David Hernandez!

Hernandez gave up 6 earned runs in 2 2/3 innings.

On Wednesday, the O's lost 7-5. Berken was mediocre. Boston is better than us. It is sad to write about.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Melvin Mora!

0/5 with a strikeout and 5 left on base.

The O's play the Yankees this weekend. It's gonna be a bloodbath.

Walker Texas Ranger Ain't Got Shit On The Orioles.

The Orioles did good against the Texas Rangers this past weekend. Let me tell you about it.

On Friday, Chris Tillman (5 ER in 6 IP) pitched poorly and the Orioles lost 5-1 as a result of this poor performance. Brian Roberts drove in the only run for the O's.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Chris Tillman!

See stats above.

On Saturday, Brian Matusz settled down after giving up 4 early runs and he pitched 7 strong innings as the O's won 5-4. Nolan Reimold homered and Melvin Mora homered and drove in 3 runs for the O's.

On Sunday, the O's earned the series win 7-0 behind the right arm of Jeremy Guthrie (7 IP 6 Ks). Brian Roberts, Chad Moeller, and Jeff Fiorentino (who?) each drove in 2 runs for the O's.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

You Are Still Fat and Ugly, the Facebook Hand on Hip Pose Isn't Going to Change That

I've started to notice a trend at parties, facebook, through my binoculars across the street from a slumber party, etc. that more and more girls are posing for pictures like they are modeling for Vogue. I think you all know what I'm talking about; that stupid shot where the bitch with the dress on so short that it makes her fallopian tubes more accessible to the human eye than her make up ridden coke face turns to the side ever so slightly (her good side of course, lol!)and puts her hand on her hip.

Why do droves and droves of whores do this might you ask? It's simple, they know their slut friend Jenny who has to take 450 pictures each time someone takes a shot of their Bacardi Razz is going to put them in an album on Facebook with a name similar to "The Times We'll Never Remember With the Friends We'll Never Forget!!! Love You girlsies, lolz!" or "BlackOut '09: We Pregame Harder Than You Party!! Whoo!." I'd rather get choked out by Shawn Merriman Tila Tequila style than see another one of these albums again.

What infuriates me the most is that ugly chicks actually think this shit works. Like, people will think you're hotter if your hand is on your hip. Either you're hot, or you're fat and ugly and there's not any amount of cloth or posing that will change this. Putting your hand on your hip in some attempt to look skinnier and sexy isn't going to hide your Krispy Kreme diet. YOU ARE STILL A FAT WHORE THAT NO ONE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH. Do us all a favor and go to College Pizza, chow down on your X-Large sausage by yourself like you do every Friday and Saturday while your hot roommates go back home with their boyfriends and eat your fat self to death.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Shawne Merriman: Unsung Hero

Shawne Merriman (allegedly) did the world a favor and choked out Tila Tequila. John Wayne can roll through town, kill everyone in it, and leave a hero, but Shawne Merriman is some kind of asshole? I don't like it. They should erect a statue of this incident on Maryland's campus next to Jim Henson.

Let's look at the resume:

Went to Maryland, so nobody really cared
Took steroids, but it's not baseball so nobody cared
Out for the entire 2008 season with a knee injury, but then Brady went down
Choked out Tila Tequila, but Michael Vick killed a few dogs

Shawne Merriman, you are the Van Gough of Line Backers. This world was not meant for someone as beautiful as you.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Fuck the Yankees.

This season has been horrible. It isn't fun to watch the Orioles anymore and I don't understand why anyone would waste their time or money to see them in person (and judging by attendance numbers, most people aren't). I understand the team is rebuilding, and for the most part I like the way it is going. With that being said, it seems like the team is just rolling over and dying.

Which to me points to one thing: coaching. I don't know whether Trembley is qualified to be a competitive coach in the MLB. He simply hasn't had enough time with these young players for me to decide one way or the other. And to be honest, Joe Torre wouldn't be able to do much with the pitching that we had this year.

But, with the prospects and young pitching talent we have, the O's better finish at .500 or better next season or Trembley will probably be looking for a new job. It isn't that hard of an accomplishment and with the (supposed) talent that the O's have in the majors now, .500 is not an unrealistic goal.

That ends my O's rant for the day. Lets get to the shit show that was the Yankees series...

On Monday, the O's didn't get a hit until the 7th inning. Needless to say, they didn't win. Jeremy Guthrie pitched 6 innings, giving up 2 runs as the O's lost 5-1. Melvin Mora drove in the O's lone run with a solo homer.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Nolan Reimold!

Reimold went 0/4 with 3 strikeouts and he left 4 men on base.

On Tuesday, David Hernandez pitched like shit (5 ER in 5 IP with 6 walks) but was still in line for the win as the O's scored 6 runs off of A.J. Burnett. However, Chris Ray took matters into his own hands and gave up 3 runs in the 7th inning while only recording 1 out and the O's went on to lose 9-6. Luke Scott and Felix Pie homered for the O's.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Chris Ray!

For the above mentioned reasons.

Wednesday, the O's and Yankees found themselves in the midst of a pitchers duel... until the 9th inning. Jason Berken (1 ER in 5 1/3 IP) and CC Sabathia (1 ER in 7 IP) both turned in quality starts, but the Yankees bullpen proved to be superior. The O's bullpen surrendered 9 runs over 3 2/3 innings, with 7 of those runs coming in the 9th inning. Nolan Reimold and Nick Markakis drove in the O's runs.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Jim Johnson!

5 earned runs without recording an out. Sounds like a long term solution for our closer position. Yikes.

The O's open a 3 game series with Texas on Friday. Is the season over yet?

Monday, August 31, 2009

Cleveland Rocks!

The Orioles split a 4 game series with the Indians this past weekend to prove that both teams are equally horrible at the game of baseball.

On Thursday, Jim Johnson recorded his 4th blown save of the season as the Indians rallied to win 5-4. David Hernandez pitched well enough to win as he went 6 innings while giving up 2 earned runs. Matt Wieters and Melvin Mora each homered for the Orioles.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Jim Johnson!

You blow the save, you get the award.

On Friday, the O's beat up on the Indians pitching as they easily won 13-4. Nick Markakis and Felix Pie each homered and drove in 3 runs for the O's and Matt Wieters went 3/4 with 4 RBIs. Jason Berken earned the win for the O's.

On Saturday, Chris Tillman was pitching well (1 run in 5 innings) until a 1 hour 37 minute rain delay forced him to exit the game early. The Orioles bullpen (specifically Chris Ray) took this opportunity to screw up royally as the O's lost 5-3. Cesar Izturis, Chad Moeller, and Nolan Reimold each drove in a run for the O's

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Chris Ray!

Ray gave up 3 earned runs in 1 inning pitched to earn the loss.

Yesterday, Brian Matusz turned in the best outing of his young MLB career as he allowed 1 run on 4 hits and 1 walk in 7 strong innings while striking out 8. Felix Pie homered for the O's to drive in 2 runs, and Brian Roberts and Luke Scott each had an RBI as the O's won 5-2.

Today the O's open up a series against the Yankees so expect plenty of CWAs in my next update. Until then, enjoy the losing!

O's Lose Series To Twins.

Yeah, yeah. I know this series was a week ago. The O's are just so depressing, it is getting tough to get excited about writing game recaps. But I am dedicated to the select few of you who still check this site regularly so that is why I will keep chugging along until the end of the season (hopefully I can do them in a more timely manner).

And as for the other BWP writers, I can't speak for them, but I find it very unlikely that they will be back writing regularly (despite multiple promises for frequent updates once school started). If that is indeed the case, I will make this blog my own and I will continue to write witty and inspiring posts while I should be doing school work.

To the recaps!

On Monday, the O's were shut down by Scott Baker as they lost 2-1. Chris Tillman pitched decently, giving up 2 runs in 5 1/3 innings. He walked 3 and gave up 6 hits while only striking out 2. Brian Roberts drove in the lone run for the Orioles.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Matt Wieters!

Wieters went 1/4 while striking out 3 times and leaving 2 men on base.

On Tuesday, the Orioles bullpen blew a 6-3 lead in the 6th inning as Brian Bass gave up 3 runs without recording an out. Kam Mickolio gave up a run in the bottom of the 9th as the O's lost 7-6. Michael Aubrey drove in 3 runs for the O's

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Brian Bass!

Bass pitched like shit.

On Wednesday, the O's avoided the sweep as they won 5-1 thanks to a good outing by Jeremy Guthrie (1 ER in 7 IP with 5 strike outs and no walks). Chad Moeller drove in 2 runs and Felix Pie homered to lead the O's offense.

Stay tuned for an update on the Cleveland series coming up soon.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Orioles Win A Series!!!

The Orioles opened their series against the White Sox on Friday with a rare stellar pitching performance from Jeremy Guthrie (7 IP allowing 1 ER) as the O's won 5-1. Brian Roberts hit 2 home runs in the game while driving in 3 runs. Nick Markakis and Ty Wigginton drove in the other runs for the O's.

On Saturday, the O's bats were silenced by John Danks as the White Sox won 4-1. Danks wasn't spectacular as he walked 6 batters, but he pitched out of several jams and allowed only 1 run in 6 1/3 innings. David Hernandez lasted only 4 innings, giving up 3 runs on 3 hits and 3 walks.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Adam Jones!

Jones has cooled off recently since his impressive first half. In this game he went 0/4, leaving 5 men on base.

Today the O's earned the series win as they beat the Sox 5-4. Jason Berken pitched well enough (2 earned runs in 5 2/3 innings) to earn is 3rd win of the season. Nolan Reimold and Felix Pie each homered and drove in 2 runs to lead the O's offense.

Tomorrow the O's open a 3 game series against the Minnesota Twins. Go Brett Favre!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

O's Avoid Sweep Against Rays.

On Tuesday, the O's opened up a 3 game series with the Tampa Bay Rays with a disappointing 5-4 loss. Jason Berken gave up 11 hits and 3 home runs in 5 1/3 innings to earn his 11th loss of the season. Matt Wieters homered for the Orioles.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Melvin Mora!

Mora went 0/5 with 3 strike outs and 7 (!!!!) men left on base. No wonder Shatner benched him.

On Wednesday, the O's wasted a decent pitching performance by Chris Tillman as they lost 3-1. Tillman allowed 3 runs in 6 innings, but home runs continued to be a problem for the rookie as all 3 runs were solo homers. Brian Roberts provided the only O's RBI.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Cesar Izturis!

Izturis went 0/3 while leaving 3 men on base. This was a tough one to pick. All of the O's hitters sucked.

The O's salvaged the last game of the series on Thursday as they won 8-7. Brian Roberts hit a grand slam and Nolan Reimold hit a 3 run HR for provide the majority of the O's offense. Brian Matusz (5 1/3 innings, 4 ER) was cruising through 5 innings but was eventually forced out of the game by a Ben Zobrist 3 run homer in the 6th. Kam Mickolio (my new favorite Oriole) continued his scoreless streak (8 1/3 scoreless innings this year) working 1 2/3 innings in relief.

Today the O's opened up a series against the Chicago White Sox. I will update that series on Sunday. Suck it Barack Obama.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

O's Continue Push For First Overall Draft Pick.

A weekend series against the AL West leading LA Angels is the last thing the struggling O's wanted to see.

On Friday, the O's put a beat down on Angels' starting pitcher Jered Weaver (8 ER in 3 1/3 IP) as they cruised to a 16-6 victory. Felix Pie went 4/5 and drove in 4 runs as he became probably the worst player to ever hit for the cycle. Chris Tillman pitched well and earned his first major league win.

And then the losing began...

On Saturday, Brian Matusz had one bad inning as he was roughed up for 5 runs in the 3rd. That was all the Angels needed as John Lackey pitched 7 strong innings to earn a 5-1 victory. Nick Markakis drove in the lone Orioles' run.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Adam Jones!

Jones has had a stellar season but he went 1/5 in this game, leaving 3 men on base and committing an error in center field that led to an Angels run.

On Sunday, the O's accomplished something I have never seen before. With the game tied 8-8 in the 13th inning, Brian Bass and Douchey Matt Albers combined to give up 9 runs as the O's lost 17-8. I don't even want to talk anymore about this game. It is the epitome of this joke of an O's season.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Douchey Matt Albers!

Ol' Douchey, we meet again. He allowed all 3 of his inherited runners to score PLUS he gave up 5 more runs. I could have done better. (Douchey was sent down to the minors after this. Hooray!)

On Monday, the O's hopes to gain a series tie were quickly squashed as Vlad Guerrero hit 2 homer runs and drove in 5. Nick Markakis and Melvin Mora in drove in 2 runs in the O's 8-5 loss.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... David Hernandez!

Hernandez gave up 5 runs in 5 1/3 innings while surrendering 3 home runs.

I'll be back soon with news from the Rays series. Orioles Magic!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

This is a bad week for Noted Blazing With Phelps Supporters

Saturday, Matt Cain decided to make further mockery of the Mets' season by nailing David Wright in the head, possibly ending his season. He must not like the O's Updates. Today, Brett Favre joined the Vikings. This ends any shot of Sage Rosenfels landing the starting job. Watch yourself, Eddie Royal.

Favre gets the start Friday against the Chiefs. Plan accordingly.

Monday, August 17, 2009

My mom's reaction to Nick's post below:

Oh my god, why are there naked people?!?!???!!!

Abrupt Trade Of Aubrey Huff Ends Slugger's Chances Of Earning CWA Crown.

The fun in Baltimore is over for Aubrey Huff, after his trade to the Tigers this afternoon. By the way, it should go without saying but that website in the picture is NSFW (I checked it out myself).

Injuries and trades are making the race for the coveted BWP Clipped Wing Award championship interesting as the O's come down the homestretch of another miserable season. Today Aubrey Huff's chances of winning the award sadly ended as he was traded to the Tigers for minor league right handed pitcher Brett Jacobson (more on him in a second).

Huff's time in Baltimore was interesting to say the least. He was named the "Most Valuable Oriole" for the 2008 season (quite an accomplishment LOL!), but perhaps his most memorable moment (at least for me), was his appearance on the radio talk show, "Bubba, The Love Sponge Show". Huff discussed hard-hitting subjects, such as jacking off on road trips and being hungover and horny, and he topped it all off by calling the city of Baltimore "horseshit".

These comments pissed fans off for awhile, but it seems as time passed, they were willing to forgive Aubrey (probably because they realized the city of Baltimore is actually pretty shitty). It is a shame to see him go, but he is just another casualty of the O's youth movement (let's pray to God that it works). Have fun playing for a contender Aubrey!

Now more on the pitcher that the O's got in the Huff deal. Brett Jacobson seems like an interesting player. He was drafted by the Tigers in the 4th round in the 2008 MLB Draft and he has good size at 6' 6" and 205 lbs.

In 2008, Jacobson posted a 1.52 ERA in 29 2/3 innings pitched while striking out 31 and walking only 5 in A ball. In 2009, he has posted a 3.74 ERA in 55 1/3 innings with 44 strike outs and 17 walks as he recorded 6 saves with the High A Lakeland Flying Tigers (sweet team name).

Jacobson boasts a mid-90's fastball with a "devastating" slider when he is on.

I could see him becoming the O's closer of the future, but that is pure speculation by me at this point.

Either way, Andy McPhail continues to trade away aging veterans for young, highly touted prospects, and with the way the Bedard trade worked out, we have no reason not to trust him.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Pitching Shaky Again As O's Lose Series To Athletics.

Alright, let's do this.

Jeremy Guthrie's woes continued on Monday as he gave up 5 runs on 11 hits in 4 2/3 innings. This poor performance, coupled with a lackluster offensive showing from the O's, led to a rout as they lost 9-1.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Jeremy Guthrie!

He sure isn't pitching like a staff ace.

On Tuesday, David Hernandez pitched well (2 earned runs in 6 2/3 innings) and the O's scored just enough runs to earn him the 3-2 victory. The 3 O's runs were driven in by Brian Roberts, Adam Jones, and Melvin Mora.

On Wednesday, Jason Berken pitched better than normal (3 earned runs in 5 innings) but the O's still fell to the A's 6-3, as Cla Meredith and Mark Hendrickson each gave up a run late to put the game out of reach.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Ty Wigginton!

Wigginton went 0/4 while leaving 4 men on base.

The O's opened up a weekend series against the Angels yesterday with a little Felix Pie magic that I will talk about tomorrow. Until then, enjoy the losing O's fans.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The O's Go North Of The Border, Go South In The Win Column.

The O's started the Jays series on a good note with a 7-5 win on Friday. Jason Berken earned his first win since his Major League debut, going 6 innings while surrendering 3 runs. Nolan Reimold and Matt Wieters led the O's with 2 RBIs apiece.

On Saturday, Chris Tillman pitched a good game (6 2/3 innings, 2 earned runs) but did not factor into the decision. The O's bullpen failed them again as Danys Baez gave up the game winning run in the bottom of the 10th inning and the O's lost 3-2. The O's runs were driven in by Aubrey Huff and Nolan Reimold.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game was... Matt Wieters!

Wieters went 0/4 with 2 strikeouts and left 5 men on base.

On Sunday, Brian Matusz got shelled. The O's lost 7-3. That is all I have to say.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game was... Brian Matusz!

5 earned runs in 2 2/3 innings will do that for you.

The O's opened a 3 game series against the A's yesterday. It didn't turn out well. I will update you on Thursday.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Detroit Suck City.

Blazing With Phelps and rooting for the Orioles go hand in hand.

Another O's series, another pathetic performance. Pack up your bags and start thinking about next season (I'm pretty sure most O's fans did this at the beginning of the season).

On Monday, the O's jumped out to a 5-0 lead on Justin Verlander in the 1st inning and never looked back as they won... JUST KIDDING! They did jump out to an early lead but highly touted rookie Chris Tillman did his best Jeremy Guthrie impression, surrendering 5 runs in 6 innings. Clete Thomas homered in the bottom of the 9th off of Danys Baez to complete the O's meltdown. Final score: 6-5 Tigers.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Chris Tillman!

Welcome to the big board Chris. Hopefully this is your last award this season.

On Tuesday. the O's jumped all over the newly acquired Jarrod Washburn (6 ER in 5 1/3 innings), as they won 8-2. Nick Markakis and Cesar Izturis each had a home run and 3 RBIs to lead the O's offensive attack. Brian Matusz became the 5th Orioles' starter to win his MLB debut this season, as he only surrendered 1 run in 5 innings.

On Wednesday, Edwin Jackson shut the O's down 4-2 as Jeremy Guthrie was the tough luck loser, giving up 3 runs in 7 1/3 innings. Adam Jones hit a 2 run homer in the 9th to drive in the O's only runs.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Melvin Mora!

Mora went 0/4 while leaving 2 men on base. This, coupled with his crazy remarks about not getting enough playing time, are enough to earn him the award.

Yesterday, the Tigers wrapped up the series with a 7-3 victory over the O's. David Hernandez lasted only 3 innings while giving up 5 earned runs. Ty Wigginton, Feliz Pie, and Aubrey Huff each had an RBI for the O's.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... David Hernandez!

Not good.

Tonight the O's open up a 3 game series against the Blue Jays. This is our best chance for a series win in a long time. Can we do it? Probably not.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A very special quasi-end of summer post to you and yours.

Hello there, the ~28 people who somehow still read this site.

As you may have realized, our grandiose plans to post fast and easy this summer were dashed by the fact that, you know, nothing the fuck goes on during the summer. Also, a quick run-down of personal reasons why we all stopped writing:

Rob: Worked two jobs and lost a general zest for life
John: Lost fingers in an horrific pie-eating snafu
Greg: Died
Rich: Died
Nick: Actually didn't stop writing. This is like in 10th grade Algebra when we all got in trouble because we stopped working in class and bombed a test, and while the teacher was reaming us out, Nick was like, "dude, I got an A." Fuck you, Nick.

But as summer winds down, we actually are going to pick things back up, because it's senior year of college, and screw it. Here's some things you can expect:

We're Aren't Experts Football Previews
Great State Hate Debate '09 ('10?)
Rob Gindes Unplugged
Blazing With Phelps Rewrites History

And the discontinuation of ideas that sucked, like News From the Real World. Which I think had a certain zest to it, but ultimately was sort of terrible. You try coming up with stuff during the summer.

Anyways, school is starting for all of us within, like, the month. So we're all going to start writing again. And maybe taking on new authors and firing Rich and stuff. So keep checking back as we slowly--but surely--get back into gear 'n stuff.

Happy holidays

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Well. That Went About How I Thought It Would.

I'm sure this douche was at the game. Every other Red Sox fan was.

The Red Sox and their fans invaded Camden Yards for a three game series this weekend and the O's pretty much rolled over and died as they were easily swept.

On Friday, Jeremy Guthrie pitched like a staff ace should, giving up 6 runs in 6 2/3 innings, as he allowed 3 home runs (he has now given up 26 HRs on the season, leading the MLB). Nolan Reimold and Aubrey Huff each drove in 2 runs but it wasn't enough as the O's lost 6-5.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Jeremy Guthrie!


On Saturday, the O's could not muster any kind of offense as they were blanked by Josh Beckett 4-0. David Hernandez pitched okay for the O's, giving up 2 runs in 4 1/3 innings (why can't our pitchers ever last longer than 5 innings?). Every hitter in the O's lineup had a lackluster day at the plate. As a team, the O's had 8 hits and were 0/7 with runners in scoring position.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Aubrey Huff!

Huff led the O's offense in futility, going 0/4 and leaving 5 men on base. Sounds about right.

Today's game; where do I even start with this game? The O's pounded out 15 hits and 10 runs. Enough for a win, right? Not when you have the O's pitching. The Red Sox pummelled starter Jason Berken (6 earned runs in 1 1/3 innings) and his crew of bullpen pitching flunkies to beat the O's 18-10.

Adam Jones was a triple shy of the cycle, going 3/4 with 3 runs scored while driving in 3 runs. Every other O's hitter had at least one hit except for Wieters and Zaun (damn catchers). I guess when you give up 23 hits, you don't have a very good shot at winning, no matter how well your offense does.

The BWP Clipped Wind Award winner for this game is... Douchey Matt Albers!

It's been awhile since ol' Douchey has won the award, but he earned it today, giving up 4 runs in 1/3 of an inning. Yikes.

The O's travel to Detroit tomorrow to open up a 4 game series where they will face Verlander, Washburn, Jackson, and Porcello. Sounds like another sweep to me. This is getting pretty old.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

O's Split Series With Royals, No One Pays Attention.

So long George! Thanks for looking goofy as shit!

Before we get started on the O's Recap, I just want to address the trade that took place a few hours ago. George Sherrill was traded to the Dodgers for 3B prospect Josh Bell and LHP Steve Johnson. It is sad to see Sherrill go, as he has been a great closer for the O's for over a year and a half now and I really enjoy the way he wears his flat brimmed cap and calls himself the Brim Reaper.

With that being said, I'm sure Sherrill will be happy to play for a winning team, and it is no secret that the O's are building for the future. With this trade, we were able to move a player at his peak in order to continue our quest to replenish our farm system.

I have a feeling that Steve Johnson will turn out to be just a run of the mill bullpen guy in the majors, but I have a good feeling about Josh Bell. He has exhibited good power in the minors and he looks to be the eventual replacement at third base for Melvin Mora. His only knock is his weak defensive play, but hopefully he can straighten that out and contribute for the big league club for years to come.

Now without further ado, here is your recap:

In a series that no one cared about (including most people in Baltimore and Kansas City), the Orioles and Royals proved that they are equally horrible by winning 2 games apiece.

Monday was the Billy Butler show. Butler went 5/5 with 3 RBIs to lead the Royals to a 5-3 victory. Rich Hill lasted only 2 1/3 innings while giving up 3 runs, all but ending his opportunity to remain in the O's starting rotation this season (he is now on the DL).

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Rich Hill!

I hate to do it, but he deserves it. His continual short outings put pressure on the bullpen, and leave all of the other pitchers tired for other games. This puts him in the lead in the CWA standings. Damn you Rich! So senseless!

On Tuesday, the O's wasted a rare good outing by Jason Berken (2 ER in 6 innings) as they lost 4-3 in 11 innings. The O's were up 3-2 going into the 8th inning until Jim Johnson gave up a solo home run to Willie Bloomquist (8 career home runs in 7 full MLB seasons coming into the game). Danys Baez gave up a run in the 11th to close out the collapse. Matt Wieters had his first career 4 hit game in the loss.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Nick Markakis!

Markakis went 0/4 with 1 strike out while leaving 5 men on base. Not the finest game from Nick.

On Wednesday, Chris Tillman made his long awaited MLB debut and his nerves seemed to get the best of him. Tillman gave up 3 runs (all solo HRs) in 4 2/3 innings and did not recieve a decision as the O's won 7-3. Tillman has great stuff, but he left a few pitches up and they were absolutely crushed by the Royals. It will be fun to see how he matures over the rest of the season. Adam Jones had a home run and 3 RBIs, and Nick Markakis also had 3 RBIs to lead the O's offense.

Today, Brad Bergesen shut down the Royals to earn a 7-3 victory. Bergesen pitched 7 strong innings, giving up 1 earned run and striking out 6 before he was forced to leave the game after a line drive struck him in the knee (x-rays were negative). Ty Wigginton homered for the O's and Aubrey Huff continued to heat up, driving in 3 runs.

Tomorrow the O's open a weekend series against the David Ortiz steroid crew. Hopefully we don't get embarrassed.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

John Madden Must Be Turning In His Grave

No Favre this year. Oh well, that would have been fun. At least Sage Rosenfels gets his chance to shine this year. He is undoubtedly the Trent Dilfer of the new millennium, at least until Adrian Peterson hurts himself. I'll go back in my cave now. Get off my lawn.

Monday, July 27, 2009

O's vs. Red Sox. Who Do You Think Is Going To Win This One?

The O's opened up a 3 game weekend series against the Red Sox and they picked up right where they left off in the Yankees series losing 2 of 3 games against the Sox.

On Friday, Brad Bergesen pitched well, giving up 3 runs in 6 innings, but the offense was pitched into submission by Brad Penny (he isn't good, but neither are the O's) as they lost 3-1. It is getting really old watching Bergesen pitch his heart out as his offense continually lets him down. We suck.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Luke Scott!

Scott went 0/4 with a strike out, while leaving 6 runners on base.

On Saturday, Jeremy Guthrie pitched like a little punk, giving up 5 runs in 6 2/3 innings as the O's lost 7-2. Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester mowed down the O's hitters, striking out 9 in 7 1/3 innings.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Jeremy Guthrie!

Makes sense.

On Sunday, the O's won! I was starting to forget what it felt like. David Hernandez pitched a gem, allowing only 1 earned run in 7 innings as the O's won 6-2. Nick Markakis led the O's offense going 2/4 with a home run and 3 RBIs.

The O's opened a 4 game series against the Royals tonight. They are currently losing 5-3 and it looks like Rich Hill is poised to take the lead in the CWA standings. I'll have another update when I get a chance. Orioles Magic!

The O's Suck.

Yeah I know. I've been horrible with these lately. But no one besides my family and a select few of my friends still read this site, so screw all of you.

The O's had a miserable showing against the Yankees early last week. If you were fortunate enough to be doing something else while these games were going on, here's what you missed (hint: not much):

On Monday, the O's wasted a great pitching performance by David Hernandez (6 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 4 Ks) as Andy Pettitte used his pitching wizardry to hold the O's to 1 run in 7 1/3 innings. As a team, the Orioles left 16 runners on base and this eventually caught up to them, as Hideki Matsui hit a walk off homer off of Jim Johnson in the 9th inning, giving the Yanks a 2-1 victory.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Cesar Izturis!

Izturis went 1/3 with 2 strike outs, while leaving 3 men on base.

On Tuesday, the O's outhit the Yankees nine to six, but still lost 6-4, as Rich Hill pitched miserably again, giving up 5 runs in 3 innings. Melvin Mora led the O's with 2 RBIs.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Rich Hill!


On Wednesday, the Orioles starting pitching failed them again as Jason Berken gave up 5 earned in 6 innings. The O's surged late, scoring 2 runs in the 7th and 2 in the 9th, but it was too little too late as they were swept by the Yankees 6-4.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Jason Berken!


Stay tuned for a post recapping the Red Sox series.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

FJM-Style Posts: Thou Shalt Not Covet

Hi. I know.

So one of our favorite blogs, the now-defunct Fire Joe Morgan, used to do this style better than everyone, because they'd find awful journalism and take it apart. I've always wanted to pick up where they left off at 30% of the quality.

And what better to dissect than this ridiculous column by Gregg Doyel, because everyone has something to say about Erin Andrews now. Even Blazing With Phelps dot Com!

You call yourself a man? Not while Erin out your fantasies online

You call yourself a columnist? Not while your headlines include gutwrenching puns.

You're out there. I just know it. You're reading this right now, aren't you, you stupid little boy?

Hello there, why are you so angry?

And you are a little boy.

Gregg Doyel is mad as hell, and he's not gonna take it any more!

I don't care how old you are -- you're not a man. Not if you're one of the thousands, probably hundreds of thousands, maybe millions, of American males slobbering over the Internet for images of ESPN sideline reporter Erin Andrews.

Stop finding attractive women attractive! Don't look at them! Stop it!

You're not a man.

Problem is, you're probably among my readers. Maybe even a regular reader.

No one knows who filmed Erin Andrews, but one thing is for sure: he reads Gregg Doyel. This much is fact.

Maybe I need you, and needs you, and any sports website needs you, to survive.

Maybe I'd rather not survive.

That's right, if you look at internet porn, Gregg Doyel would rather be on the STREET than have your filthy pageviews. One second, my mother's basement is flooding with hypocricy and I believe it's going to kill me.

Hey, Gregg, your angry spewing argument is convincing enough so far, but can you reference an early-90s television show to really drive the point home?

You're why men have become such an easy target. You know that? You're the reason TV shows like The Simpsons and Family Guy and Married ... with Children make a mockery of the American male.

Thanks, Gregg!

In commercials, the husband or father is almost always the comic relief. He's the slow-moving guy who misses out on the last Eggo waffle. Or the dimwit incapable of purchasing a CD on the Internet. Or the horny moron who walks into a plate-glass window when a pretty woman saunters past.

And this is because someone... filmed Erin Andrews through a peephole. Because... of commercials? Or Married with Children? So... yeah!

That's him.

Get him!

Because you're ... you.

Wait, I thought it was him! It's you! Couldn't be!! Then who?!

And there's a whole lot of you out there.

Fornicators and malcontents, the lot of ye!

I could pretend you don't know the latest Erin Andrews story, and dutifully lay out the background right now. But that would be ridiculous. Of course you know the latest Erin Andrews story. You're part of the story. Hell, you are the story.


Yes, you.

Gregg stole the cookie from the cookie jar!

You're probably not the actual guy who drilled a hole into the wall of her hotel room and filmed her and then put it on the Internet.

No, so why are you yelling at me? Are you even a sports columnist? Why is this man so full of hate? Is he a friend of Erin Andrews?

But chances are, you're among the hundreds of thousands of guys who have searched the Internet for that video. Which means you're among the millions of American males who set this sick scenario into motion by congregating online at the altar of Erin Andrews Imagery. Objectification is yours!

Gregg Doyel has never found a woman attractive. I mean, it's not awesome that someone filmed her naked. And they're a bad person. But men the world over were curious. I don't think that makes them... bad people. Who should be disallowed from reading sports columns. Or whatever type of column this is.

And you're this country's next wave of husbands and fathers. Terrific.

Erin Andrews Peephole Video = Destruction of American familial structure

Honestly, I don't know why I'm even bothering.

I don't either. You could go back and erase this on your MS Word 2003 and not turn it in. Or... you could just do that. That's fine.

You don't, and you won't, see your problem. Addicts or idiots -- and you are very possibly both -- never do.

The best thing is that he's still addressing the reader of this column directly. I guess we're... addicts now? Because there's an Erin Andrews peephole video? And we're also going to destroy this country.

You think it's fine to scour the Internet for pictures of Erin Andrews and then find the nearest message board and type, "I'd hit it."

I'd hit you.

As if you'd have a chance at Erin Andrews.

You don't know her like I do though!! We were meant to be!!!

Or any attractive woman.

Seriously, why is this guy so upset?

See, the general rule of thumb is this: If you've ever uttered the words I'd hit it ... then you really wouldn't.

CBS Sports columnist Sigmundd Freudel, everyone.

Because you couldn't. Because you're a loser.

Fuck you, people whose visits I depend on for my livelihood! You didn't do anything wrong, but some creepy guy made a peephole video you saw, so fuck you! Fuck you!!

Ask the woman who works in the cubicle next to you. (First, take your eyes off her breasts.)

After typing this sentence, Gregg Doyel pulled out an electric guitar, plugged it into an amp, and wailed on it. The neighbors called in a noise complaint.

You're the guy who goes to strip clubs and shoves $1 bills into a stranger's g-string while she dances in your lap, and you're stupid enough to think you've scored.

Once again, this is directed to literally everyone that is reading this column.

Your capacity for self-delusion is exceeded only by your incapacity to attract an actual (free) woman. So you go to strip clubs or hire a prostitute or, if you're cheap, you congregate on the Internet and study YouTube videos of Erin Andrews. Look, loser -- there's her butt!

So you've seen the video, then?

But when something like this happens ... when there's a report of an actual video of Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room ...

Dramatic one-word paragraph.


The Internet goes nuts. According to Google Trends, which tracks web searches, the Erin Andrews hotel video was the single most-searched item on the Internet this weekend. The search peaked Monday morning at about 9:20 a.m. ET, which means guys along the East Coast reported to work and got down to serious business -- looking for this damn video.

Only working-age men looked at this video. No 10-16 year-old boys or anything. Or women. Just you, a scumbag at work looking for a cheap high. You probably did crack off of a stripper's ass afterwards and thought she was your girlfriend, didn't you, tough guy? Fuck you. You disgust Gregg Doyel.

Guess what was No. 2 on the Google Trends list? A search for someone called "Aaron Andrews." I'm not making that up.

People misspelled stuff too. So society... is in the shitter. He is NOT making this up.

And just missing the top 10 was the search for "Erin Anderson." I'm not making that up, either.

See? He's not fucking making it up!! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAY HE WAS MAKING THIS UP?!

So not only is the typical American male horny and hopeless -- he's stupid.

YOU said he was hopeless. YOU said that every single American male is a social retard that only gets gratification from this single video of a naked sideline reporter shot through a peephole, leading to the downfall of society.

But he's real. And apparently, since I'm an American male myself, he's ... me.

I... what? I think he's having a moment, guys. Was that like a self-revelation thing? ...Are we about to find out that this video was shot by... (gasp) GREGG DOYEL!!?!

Now you see why I'm so angry? Because you make me look bad. It's not like I know Erin Andrews, because I don't.

But then why are you so angry?

And it's not like I'm hoping she'll read this column, because she probably would prefer this whole thing to go away. The less said about it, the less focus on it, the better. That's probably her position, so my story is just one more log on the fire.

So just erase your Word document and write a different column. You don't have to write this. Don't write it. Don't send it in.

The maker of the video is trying to sell it, according to On the message board below's story about its refusal to purchase the video, a typical American male whose screen name is "schlepptomaniac" wrote the following:

Saw the video...I'd piihb.

Oh god, not acronyms.

"Piihb" is shorthand I've never seen before, but I can guess what it means.


("Put it in ...")

Hickory basket.

When did the typical American male becomes such a sick freaking dumbass?

Great job, everyone, you made Gregg Doyel swear.

Meanwhile, this whole video thing has created a cottage industry unto itself. There's the video sales aspect, and the overheating search engines. And there's this: Makers of Internet viruses are capitalizing on the typical American male's desperate lust by attaching a computer virus to various "Erin Andrews video" search results.

The Erin Andrews video has destroyed:


Gregg Doyel


Perception of the American man

People who don't like Married... with Children

the Internet

Ironic, no?


You wanted to see Erin Andrews naked. Instead you caught a disease.

Viruses != diseases. Is there time for a dick joke?

I hope it rots and falls off.

Your hard drive, I mean.

I was hoping you meant your hands.

Monday, July 20, 2009

O's Lose Series To White Sox.

Note: I'm going to do my best to be consistent with O's updates the rest of the summer even though we virtually have no readers anymore. But, we here at BWP promise that things will pick up in the fall when we head back to school and we are overtaken with boredom and the need for something to occupy our time while we are procrastinating. Hopefully the readers will come back as all of the writers become more active.

Anyways, the O's opened the 2nd half of the season against the Chicago White Sox on Friday, and Jim Thome tore the O's pitching to shreds. Thome hit 2 HRs while driving in 7 runs as the O's lost 12-8. The O's offense was productive, outhitting the Sox 14-13, but they were unable to overcome the piss poor pitching performances from Jason Berken and his crew of bullpen flunkies.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award for this game goes to... Jason Berken!

Berken pitched 4 1/3 innings, giving up 6 earned runs to raise his season ERA to 6.44. It's hard to imagine Berken lasting much longer in the O's rotation. Bring on Chris Tillman!

On Saturday, Brad Bergesen was cruising through 4 1/3 innings. With one out in the 5th, he got Alexei Ramirez to ground into what seemed to be a routine out, but Ty Wigginton (who was playing 1st base) inexplicably dropped the throw from Brian Roberts. After that, the wheels fell off for Bergesen and he gave up 4 runs in the 5th. Despite some 9th inning magic from Nolan Reimold and Brian Roberts, the O's fell short 4-3.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award for this game goes to... Ty Wigginton!

His retarded error in the 5th changed the momentum of the game. That is enough to earn him the award.

Yesterday, the O's avoided the sweep by spanking Jose Contreras and the Sox 10-2. Gregg Zaun (!!??) led the O's with 4 RBIs and Jeremy Guthrie threw a gem, pitching 8 innings while surrendering 2 runs on only 3 hits.

Tonight the O's open a series against the Yankees in New York. The O's season may be over as far as making the playoffs are concerned, but it's always nice to beat the Yanks. I'm not expecting much though.

Monday, July 13, 2009

O's End First Half On A Winning Note.

Brad Bergesen once again proved that he is the O's staff ace (AKA the smartest kid at the Special Olympics) as he pitched 6 2/3 innings on Sunday, giving up 2 earned runs in the O's 4-2 win. Oscar Salazar (who was for some reason batting cleanup) went 2/3 with a home run and raised his batting average to .419. Brian Roberts added 2 RBIs and George Sherrill earned his 20th save of the season by pitching a scoreless 9th.

The O's go into the All Star Break with a sterling 40-48 record and they remain dead last in the AL East, 14 games behind the Red Sox. But they're only 11 games back in the Wild Card! At this point, I'm just hoping we can finish somewhere near .500 and that our young pitchers show progress without blowing out their arms. Orioles magic.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Mora Finally Delivers As O's Win In Extras.

Coming into last night's game against the Blue Jays, it had been 50 games since Melvin Mora had homered. That all changed in the bottom of the 12th inning when Mora hit a walk-off solo homer, leading the O's to a 4-3 victory.

Rich Hill pitched well for the O's, going 6 innings while giving up 2 earned runs. Luke Scott also homered for the O's, and Aubrey Huff and Matt Wieters each added an RBI.

Today, the O's go for the series win as they send Brad Bergesen to the mound to face Jays rookie Marc Rzepczynski. This is the last game before the All Star Break, so enjoy it O's fans.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


In what may very well have been the most boring Orioles game of the season, the Blue Jays beat the O's 2-0 last night. I had the unfortunate luck of being in attendance at the game and the post-game fireworks were much more entertaining than the game itself.

Maryland native Brett Cecil made the O's look foolish, scattering 4 hits over 6 innings. Jason Berken did his best to keep up with Cecil, turning in his best outing since his lone victory in his MLB debut over the Jays in May. He gave up 2 runs in 5 2/3 innings, but it wasn't enough to get the win.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for the game is... Cesar Izturis!

Izturis went 0/2 in his first game back from the DL but the big thing that earned him the CWA was his ground out with the bases loaded to end the 2nd inning. It killed all of the momentum the O's had built and they never really had another chance to score during the game.

Tonight the O's send Rich Hill to the mound in the second game of the series against the Blue Jays. Woo!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Shatner Fined And Suspended For Two Games.

The above video is from some douche bag Seattle fan who taped the Mariners 12-4 loss to the O's on Tuesday. The video captures Dave Trembley's argument and ejection from the game after a horrible call by home plate umpire Tom Hallion.

Managers get ejected all the time, most of them doing worse things than what Trembley did, and they almost never receive suspensions or fines. So today, when I heard that Trembley had been suspended for 2 games and fined an undisclosed amount, I was baffled.

Apparently, Trembley violated a rule that states an ejected manager can play no further part in the game. The suspension seems fair then, right? Not so fast my friend.

Lets delve a little bit more into what happened. In the post game interview, Trembley claimed that when Luke Scott came back into the clubhouse during the game, Trembley told him, "get me a couple hits." Scott finished the game with 7 RBIs.

So let me get this straight. This is the "coaching" that has gotten Trembley suspended and cost him a chunk of his paycheck? What did Luke Scott gain from this encounter with Trembley in the locker room? Furthermore, in a 12-4 victory, does the coaching really affect the outcome anyways?

Bud Selig and his crew of flunkies continue to impress me with their stupidity.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

O's Take Series From Mariners In Exciting Fashion.

Yesterday the O's bats came alive as they laid the smack down on the Seattle Mariners 12-4. Erik Bedard baffled the O's hitters for 4 innings, striking out 8, until he was removed from the game due to his weak injured arm being on a strict pitch count.

The O's hitters took this opportunity to jump all over the Mariners' bullpen, scoring 10 runs after Bedard exited. Luke Scott led the O's with a home run and 7 RBIs (7 RBIs!!!) and Mark Hendrickson (Mark Hendrickson!!!) pitched well in relief after Jeremy Guthrie left the game with a bleeding vagina.

William Shatner was ejected at the end of the 1st inning after arguing a bullshit call by homeplate umpire Tom Hallion. Nolan Reimold was rounding second base when the ball was thrown out of play. Instead of awarding Reimold home, Hallion made him stay at 3rd even after conferring with the other umpires. Hallion also blew another call later in the game on a bunt single by the Mariners. He is lucky (or unlucky depending on how you view the CWA) the O's won because he would have easily been the BWP Clipped Wing Award winner.

In today's game, the Orioles were ready to go quietly into the night, as they were down 3-0 entering the 9th inning, but the O's had a little magic up their sleeve. Actually, the O's were who the Mariners thought they were, but Jose Lopez let them off the hook.

With the help of a fielding error and a throwing error from Lopez, the O's scored 5 runs in the top of the 9th to win the game 5-3.

The O's have a day off tomorrow before opening up a 3 game series against the Blue Jays on Friday. It's time to make a push for the division lead!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Back From My Vacation. The O's Losing Never Takes A Break.

When I left for the Outer Banks last week I planned on making a concerted effort to steal the neighbor's wireless internet every night and continue to be the only writer for BWP. Unfortunately I made the decision to relax instead, so now it is time to update all 10 of the readers that decided to stick around, on the Clipped Wing Award standings and all of that fun stuff. I refuse to let BlazingWithPhelps die!

Sunday 6/28: The O's went for the sweep against the Washington Nationals. David Hernandez gave up 3 runs in 5 2/3 innings and the Nats added 2 runs against the O's bullpen as the O's lost 5-3.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for the game is... Luke Scott!

Scott led the O's offense in futility as he went 1/4 while only seeing 9 pitches in his 4 at bats (I'm grasping at straws on this one, all of the hitters sucked).

Monday 6/29: The O's opened up a series against the Red Sox and Jon Lester shut down the O's batters, pitching 7 scoreless innings while striking out 8. Jason Berken gave up 4 runs in 5 innings and the O's only managed 6 hits against Lester as they lost 4-0.

The BWP Clipped Win Award winner for the game is... Brian Roberts!

Roberts went 0/4, striking out once and going 0/1 with runners in scoring position.

Tuesday 6/30: A date that will live in O's infamy and a game that will be the subject of multiple MASN Orioles Defining Moments. Entering the bottom half of the 7th inning, the O's were down 10-1 and I had already thrown the television remote in frustration and jumped off of the top deck of the beach house. When suddenly, a text from former BWP writer, John, brought me back to life.

He was attending the game (he is a Red Sox fan and a homosexual) and he made me aware that the O's were making a minor comeback. I didn't expect much but I decided to turn the game back on just in case. What happened next was a miracle.

The O's scored 5 runs in the bottom of the 7th and 5 runs in the bottom of the 8th to take an 11-10 lead. George Sherrill pitched a scoreless 9th inning to earn his 17th save. My explanation can not do the comeback justice, so I'm not going to try. But take my word for it; it was exciting.

Wednesday 7/1: In true Orioles fashion, the O's took all of the momentum and excitement from the previous days game, and threw it right out the window. Up 5-1 entering the 9th inning, after a dominating 8 inning performance from Brad Bergesen, the O's needed only 3 outs to take the series from the Red Sox.

Jim Johnson gave up a lead off walk and then Kevin Youkilis bombed a home run into the right field bleachers to start off the 9th cutting the lead 5-3. George Sherrill came in to stop the bleeding, striking out the first 2 batters he faced. Sherrill followed this up by walking the next 3 batters. Pinch hitter Rocco Baldelli then hit a 2 run single, tying the game. The O's went on to lose in extra innings. Yuck.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... George Sherrill!


Thursday 7/2: The O's opened up a 4 game series against the Angels in spectacular fashion by losing 5-2. John Lackey held the O's to 4 hits in 8 innings as the top 3 batters in the O's lineup went 0/12 combined and Bobby Abreu hit 2 HRs for the Angels.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Jeremy Guthrie!

Guthrie gave up 5 earned runs in 7 innings and he added a throwing error to seal his CWA fate.

Friday 7/3: David Hernandez pitched a great game, and the O's knocked around Ervin Santana en route to a 6-4 victory. Hernandez gave up 3 earned runs in 6 2/3 innings and Aubrey Huff led the O's hitters with a HR and 3 RBIs.

Saturday 7/4: Happy 4th of July BWP readers! The O's suck! They hung around in this game until they gave up 6 runs in the 8th inning and lost 11-4. The O's were credited with 2 errors and had several other lapses in judgement and talent that contributed to their late game collapse.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Brian Bass!

He gave up all 6 of the runs in the 8th inning. That should do it.

Sunday 7/5: The Orioles jumped out to a 4-0 lead only to see golden boy Rich Hill blow it by giving up 6 runs in 5 1/3 innings as the O's ended up losing 9-6.

The BWP Clipped Wing Award winner for this game is... Rich Hill!


Monday 7/6: The Orioles would have been more productive if they would have forfeited yesterday's game and spent the day taking extra batting practice. Jarrod Washburn made them look foolish as the O's (Nick Markakis) were only able to muster 1 hit throughout the whole game. The O's are now 2-9 on the West Coast this season (blame the jet lag).

The BWP Clipped Wing Award for this game is... Brian Roberts!

He was the only O's batter with 4 at bats and he went 0/4 so he wins by default. Yayyy Brian!

So there you have it. The O's seem to have also gone on vacation for the 4th of July holiday. I've placed a call to China asking them to mass produce more Clipped Wing Award trophies in anticipation for the large amount of O's losing in the second half of the season.